As someone who listens to metal, people often assume I’m pretty angry. They’re not wrong. What I never understand is why people are so confused about how angry I am; it seems pretty clear to me that things are more or less completely fucked. That being said, in order to clear up any confusion, here are some things that you, my fellow members of the human race, should stop doing- RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW.
1) DON’T ACT LIKE YOU’VE GOT SHIT FOR BRAINS. I mean, seriously: don’t stop to have a conversation in the only entrance or exitway to a given building or business. You’re blocking everyone’s path so you can show your equally down-syndrome afflicted friend pictures of your ugly baby? FUCK YOU, get out of the door. Don’t approach someone for directions if he or she has headphones in, especially when there’s a hundred other people without headphones standing on the street. Don’t approach someone for directions if he or she is on his or her cell phone, either- that’s just fucking stupid and rude. Don’t cut me in line or tell me I can’t save a fucking seat at the fucking movies for my fucking friend while he goes and gets a fucking bucket of fucking popcorn. Are you fucking retarded? People have been saving seats at the fucking movies for a hundred fucking years, and to suggest otherwise ought to be grounds fucking execution by firing squad. Seriously, how fucking dumb are you, you putrid fucking waste of fucking flesh? You make me sick. Fuck you.
2) DON’T MAKE ME LISTEN TO YOUR SHITTY MUSIC. Here’s the thing: Jessica Simpson has big tits, but her music sucks dog shit. Same thing goes for John Mayer (closet case), Michael Buble (closet case), Britney/Xtina (white trash whores), Fall Out Boy (closet cases), Toby Keith (closet case), and pretty much any band whose name starts with the word “The” and ends in a pluralwho got a record deal anytime after the early 90s after (The Strokes, The Shins, The Hives, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Cocksuckers, whoever). Now, maybe you disagree with me; maybe you don’t like metal. Fair enough. But guess what? I don’t make you listen to metal. I don’t blast it loud unless I’m in the privacy of my home or my car. I don’t play it in my office where my desk is right next to yours, I don’t carry around a boom box because I know there’s this little fucking invention known as fucking earphones. Seriously, TURN THAT SHIT OFF. You make my skin crawl. Fuck you.
3) LADIES: USE YOUR BIG GIRL VOICE. I don’t give a fuck that you thought fucking Clueless was a cute move more than a decade ago: there’s nothing attractive about anyone over the age of eight speaking that way. The word is “God,” not “Gawd,” and you don’t have to use it quite so much. The bitches and ree-rees on Laguna Beach should not be your fucking role models. I hope you get cancer and die. Fuck you.
4) MEN: DON’T WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE THAT. If you’re white and over the age of thirteen, wearing your hat backwards or to the side only makes it look like you’re too fucking stupid to put your hat on properly. I hope you get hit by a bus. Fuck you.
5) KEEP YOUR FUCKING VOICE DOWN. If you’re on your cell phone on the street, guess what? I don’t need your whole fucking conversation. If you’re in a restaurant, guess what? No one at any table besides your own should be able to hear your conversation. I know you’re hard up for a little attention, but Jesus Fucking Christ, I don’t give a fuck about your boss or your kids or you latest visit to the vagina doctor. If someone held a gun to your head and a pile of my own shit and asked me to choose, I’d save my pile of shit. It smells better than you, too. Fuck you.
6) IF I DON’T KNOW YOU, DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME. There’s no law that says if we’re in the same elevator or waiting to cross the street at the same time, we have to have a fucking conversation. Especially if- you guessed it- I HAVE FUCKING EARPHONES IN. I put those to in to drown out the world, and especially fuckheads like you. Maybe that makes me antisocial, but I don’t give a fuck. Leave me alone. I want to cut out your fucking tongue. Fuck you.
7) DON’T BE SO FUCKING CONDESCENDING. My IQ is in the 99th percentile; that means if you put me a room with 100 randomly selected people, chances are I’m the smartest dude in the room. Okay? So maybe you should speak faster, what do you think about that? Does that sound good? And just do what I say and don’t try to explain shit to me or turn shit around like I’m six years old? Sound good? Alrighty then. Buh-bye. Fuck you.
8) DON’T LOSE YOUR TEMPER WITH ME BECAUSE YOU’RE PISSED AT SOMEONE ELSE. I think less of you than the dog shit I stepped in on my way to work this morning, and I’ll fucking kill you. If I could get some alone time with you in a room with no windows and a fucking lead pipe, I’d crack your fucking skull open like a fucking egg and laugh about it. Fuck you.
9) DON’T TRY TO LECTURE ME ABOUT RELIGION. I’m sorry your life is so fucking worthless you have to try and lecture other people about your own personal perceptions with regards to an imaginary fucking man in the fucking sky. I hope your god strikes you down, you fucking waste of life. Fuck you.
10) DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL BIG. How fucking worthless are you? If you tell me you can and will do me a solid, I expect you to fucking do it. I’d like to rip your heart out and show it to you before you die. Fuck you.
11) STOP VOTING FOR THE REPUBLICANS. They think you’re an idiot, and if you’re not a multi-billionaire and you vote for them, you prove them right. Ask yourself, really, what’s more offensive: someone lying about getting a blowjob so he doesn’t get in deep shit with his wife, or someone sending thousand of kids overseas to die in a war? You make me want to eat your baby alive while you’re forced to watch. Fuck you.
Fuck all of you. I fucking hate you.