MetalSucks

Not thin, cool, 80’s Gary Holt, either. Recent, fifteen singers, seven drumers, two kids and one beer gut later Gary Holt.

The time is the fall of 2004. Megadeth are playing the Roseland Ballroom in NYC with Exodus as support – exactly the kind of thrash super-tour we’ll never see Metallica play again. My friend, who we’ll refer to as “Tawny” to save her the embarrassment, asks me if I wanna go to the show with her; but since I’ve already given Dave Mustaine my money for a copy of The System Has Failed, I’m not feeling too generous towards Mr. Megadeth and decline. I tell her I’ll just see her the following night at the Slayer/Killswitch/Mastodon show.

But if I’d gone with her to that Megadeth show, maybe… just maybe… I could’ve stopped Gary Holt from sticking his penis into my friend.

Apparently what happened is this: Exodus opened the show, and Tawny got a good spot with a friend right up front near the rails. Tawny was all of 22 or 23 at the time, and I guess Mr. Holt got a good look at her from the stage, because afterwards he stepped down and asked her if she and her friend wanted to join the band backstage for a little partying.

Tawny, being a total metal slut left cold and cockless by a recent break-up with our own Vince Neilstein, agreed.

So there she and her friend are, partying with Gary Holt and (then) drummer Paul Bostaph. They end up making out but don’t screw; he asks her if she’s going to the Slayer show the following night at the same venue, she says she is, and they agree to meet up.

I, of course, find none of this out until I meet Tawny at the Slayer gig the next night. After KsE finish their set, Tawny’s cell phone rings. “C’mon,” she tells me, “I’ll introduce you to Gary.”

I’m at least a little curious to meet the dude; old Exodus is one of those things I know I’m supposed to like but have never been able to get into (why does it sound like the singer always has a cold?), but I kinda dug Shovel Headed Kill Machine so I figure, y’know, this could be cool.

Gary seems like a nice enough dude; he buys me a beer. The first thing that strikes me about him, though, is his gigantic beer gut. Not that a beer gut is entirely uncommon in the metal world (see: me, Vince, everyone we know), but whereas Kerry King still looks totally badass, Gary just looks kinda, well, old. His goatee is all gray, and not in a “I’m-Kirk-Windstein-Don’t-Fuck-With-Me” kinda way.

ANYWAY, Gary and I start talking about the show and we both really dig Mastodon; but then he goes into a rant about what a homo (actually, I think the word he used was “fruit”) Adam D. is and how he ruins KsE’s live show. I disagree with him, asserting that Adam D. is a) hilarious, b) awesome, and c) totally awesome. I also point out that as guitarist, songwriter, and producer for KsE, the guy has to be some sort of frickin’ genius.

Gary suddenly excuses himself and goes off to the V.I.P. section to watch Slayer from there. After a few minutes, Tawny tells me she’s gonna go with him and asks if I want to join. Since I don’t feel like arguing with Paul Bostaph about how smelly Brian Fair’s dreads are and how that makes Shadows Fall gay, I decline.

Slayer are Slayer. It rains blood at the end of the show and then I go home. Tawny follows Gary Holt back to his bus and does what groupies do on tour buses.

She calls me the next day to say Gary has invited her to his gig in Philly that night, and do I want to come? And the answer, again, is “no.” So Tawny goes solo. Gary can’t wait for her so she has to take the train to Philly by her lonesome.

Now, the rest of the story, as she tells it, is this: she gets to Philly to find Mistress Juliya interviewing him and buying him shots of Jaeger all the while. Eventually he passes out on the tour bus, too drunk to give Tawny the shtupping she’s traveled all this way to receive, and she comes back to New York at like 3 in the morning, alone and horny.

Gary calls her from the next town and apologizes, and they e-mail back and forth for awhile. It turns out his has a girlfriend and some kids about Tawny’s age. He tries to get her to come out and hang with him the next time he’s in New York but Tawny seems to have finally learned her lesson about dating musicians.

So she moves in with an actor.

-AR