THE TEN WORST RAP METAL VIDEOS OF ALL TIME

I mean, you’d think that fucking Metal wouldn’t give a fuck about fucking Labor Day, because fucking Metal is about fucking rebelling and fuck fucking Labor Day. But nnnnnoooo. Just like everything else, Metal seems to have come to a grinding halt for Labor Day weekend. So there’s fucking nothing to write about, other than the fact that Rob Zombie’s Halloween is coming out and even though I want it to be good and prove everyone wrong, the fucking thing opens in twelve hours and there still hasn’t been a single review anywhere, which means there were probably no screenings for critics, which is what studios do when they know their movie sucks (the thinking being that people will go see it opening night before word has gotten out about how bad it is, and therefore maybe the movie will at least make a little money before it belly flops).

ANYWAY, since Sebastian Bach is going on MTV tonight to prove that, no, he didn’t learn anything from that whole nu metal debacle, thank you very much, here are ten videos by ten different rap metal “artists” that I fucking loathe. Feel free to let us know what would’ve made your own personal list.

And if even one person defends one fucking song on this list… we’ll cut your balls off. Seriously.

10) INSANE CLOWN POSSE, “HOKUS POKUS”

I don’t even know if this counts as rap metal since there’s no guitars, but these guys did once get Slash to play on one of their songs. Like seeing my dad in the hospital, hearing Slash play with these fucktards was the first time I knew he was a mere mortal, and it broke my heart.

Anyway, fuck these guys.

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9) HED P.E., “SUFFA”

Memo to the dudes in Hed P.E.: if you substitute a letter “a” for the letters “er” in any given word, you are officially, legally, undeniably retarded, and subject to public execution under state laws. I’d like to carve your eyes out and piss in the empty sockets. You fucking assholes. Fuck.

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8) SOULFLY, “JUMPDAFUCKUP”

Remember when Max Cavalera sold out and made horrible, diarrhea-inducing rap metal? I do.

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7) KID ROCK, “COWBOY”

I don’t know which of the following is the stupidest thing about this song: that it’s by a dude from Detroit, where they don’t have cowboys, that the midget from Austin Powers is in the video, or that it’s about wanting to be a cowboy. That’s something four year olds think about, Bob (no, I will not address you by your self-annointed ree ree name), not grown men. I can’t believe that this fucker still gets so much attention from Rolling Drone, although I guess it makes sense, since Rolling Drone is about as hip and with it as my grandmother, and my grandmother has been dead for almost twelve years.

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6) SICKS DEEP, “HEADCASE”

There’s no rapping in this video because it just came out this year, but I have to talk about this band for a minute. There was the inexplicable period around like 2002/2003 where this band opened, like, every metal show in NY, regardless of who the headliner was and connected or disconnected they were to the whole rap metal thing. Aside from their idiotic name (which doesn’t even work as a pun, really, since there are only five people in the band) and the fact that their seven string guitar playing dipshit guitar player used to wear make-up that was clearly modeled on Wes Borland, and that they had a female drummer who played in her bra regardless of the fact that she had tits (and a face) like a little boy, this band was endlessly irritating for the fact that the singer used to scream “Sicks Deep ain’t nuthin’ to fuck wit!” every fifteen seconds. Well, I got news for you, pal: Sicks Deep is something to fuck wit. There, I just fucked wit it. Now go play for ten people at Don Hill’s, you piece of shit.

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5) VANILLA ICE, “ICE ICE BABY” (METAL VERSION)

Fuck Ross Robinson. Like Vanilla Ice wasn’t recockulous enough without him coming along and telling Ice it would be a good idea to re-record his biggest hit to be more Bizkitian. Anyway, what can I say about Vanilla that would make him look any worse than all the shit he says about himself? I guess we should all just be happy that one of the guys from Milli Vanilli offed himself so we never got a rap metal version of “Blame it on the Rain.”

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4) LINKIN PARK, “IN THE END”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…

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3) CRAZY TOWN, “BUTTERFLY”

I would actually pay good money to get some time to be able to torture and kill these guys, like those dudes in Hostel. I think even all the other bands on Ozzfest made fun of these losers. Anyway, I’m sure they’re all dead or in prison or doing something non-musical related by now. Still, I hope they all walk in on their wives get bukkaked by the entirety of the Wu Tang Clan.

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2) METHODS OF MAYHEM, “GET NAKED”

The story goes that while Tommy Lee was sitting in prison, doing time for being a wife beating fuck, he decided the best thing he could do for his public image would be to quite Motley Crue and shit all over his legacy by doing a shitty rap metal project. That project became Methods of Mayhem. This video still makes me angry every time I see it – angry at Tommy Lee, angry at George Clinton, fuck, angry at whatever record executive thought that this was a good idea, and angry at Pamela Anderson. I’ll never look at Barbwire the same way again.

I hope Tommy Lee’s dick falls off, then rapes him in the butt.

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1) LIMP BIZKIT, “NOOKIE”

Our parents all remember where they were when JFK got killed; our generation all remembers where they were the first time they saw this video. Because then, they knew: pop culture was officially dead, replaced only by a steaming pile of shit directed at kids from the suburbs and that chick was Miss Teen South Carolina or whatever. Someday, the waste of sperm and egg known as “Fred Durst” – as tough as my mom, as black as Danny Bonaduce, and as talented as the dump I took this morning – will suffer at my hand. This I vow.

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-AR