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Editorials

ANYONE WHO SAYS THE NEW AVENGED SEVENFOLD ALBUM IS GAY IS GAY

 Wednesday, October 24th, 2007 at 10:08am by

Dude. Come on. Anyone who says the new Avenged Sevenfold album is gay is totally gay.

You know how I know they’re gay? ‘Cause, in all seriousness, the new Avenged Sevenfold album is kinda gay. And it takes a man really secure in his heterosexuality to admit that it’s really freakin’ good in spite of – nay, because of – its mild gayness. ‘Cause Avenged Sevenfold is a good album. A good album to fuck girls to.

Seriously, you guys. Just hear me out. We’re friends, right? I mean, that Korn4Life dude came around here and started talkin’ smack, and Vince and I didn’t even have to say anything – y’all jumped his ass and gave him a beat down. So we GOTTA be friends, right? And do friends steer their friends wrong? No. Not good friends. Vince and me been friends for more than twenty fuckin’ years, and we didn’t do that by steering one another wrong. So just hear me out on this one.

Okay. So. Dude: it’s pop metal. You telling me you don’t like pop music at all? I don’t mean fuckin’ Jessica Simpson or whatever – but are you seriously gonna tell me you don’t like The Beatles? What about The Beach Boys? Okay, so, uh, how about Queen?

Oh? Oh, you like Queen, you say? Well, that’s pretty gay, dude. I mean, you don’t get much gayer than Freddie Mercury. Maybe Rob Halford could pull one over on people for years on end (even while wearing black leather with studs and commanding you to ram it down, ram it down, ram it down, ram it down), but Freddie Mercury was pretty flaming, dude. I mean, that guy was gayer than Motley Crue in any of their incarnations.

Gayer than Zakk Wylde proving he’s not gay by pretending to be gay.

Gayer than Jagger fucking Bowie.

Gayer than Sebastian Bach on Broadway.

Gayer than Manson making out with Ramirez while Rikki Rachtman watches on Headbanger’s Ball.

Gayer than Paul Stanley and Adam D. combined.

But Queen were pretty good. Their albums fucking rock, and clearly, a whole lot of thought and skill went into making them. And even if you don’t like them, you can’t argue that a whole lot of thought and skill didn’t go into making them, because you’d just come off as, well, an idiot.

Y’know who else liked Queen a whole lot? Axl Rose.

See that shirt M. Shadows is wearing in the photo above? And remember that time he said how much he loves Use Your Illusion?

[kml_flashembed movie="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docid=559407304731627978" width="400" height="326" wmode="transparent" /]

(By the way, did Shadows just say that the dudes in Mastodon are friends with the dudes in A7X? Mastodon like Avenged Sevenfold! Mastodon are SO GAY!)

Now, I’m not saying Avenged Sevenfold sound exactly like The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Queen, Motley Crue, or GN’R. I think they’re very much their own band.

All I’m saying is: like a lot of other good bands, they spend a ridiculous amount of time gazing at themselves in the mirror, worrying about how they look, and when they’re not doing that, they make awesome albums that are totally metal and, yes, incorporate elements of such totally gay genres as BNWHM, hair metal, power metal, alternative, country, pop, and show tunes.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go sleep with my girlfriend, who was, in fact, actually, literally gay for four years until I Axl’d her Rosenberg and un-gayed her.

Dude. That’s so gay.

-AR

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  • Kye

    0/>_<0/

    That’s all that needs to be said

  • Kye

    and half of it doesn’t show up…gay lol

  • http://www.myspace.com/freaksystemband Sammy

    That’s very funny, Axe. I’ve only heard the songs you’ve leaked here, and I like them. But then, my tastes run more to singing than screaming, so I’m probably really gay then, huh?

  • http://newghosts.com Fandango

    You’re so dead on its not even funny. I can’t stop listening to that CD, even though it does get pretty gay (especially a Little Taste of Heaven). But I don’t care–it’s catchy as hell.

  • Retrograde

    Seems like you’re really trying to defend them. Also interesting you bringing up the term “pop metal”

  • Dennis

    You really like this band too much. They’re great if you’re 14, I suppose, but since they’re essentially a tribute band with the clothing tastes of Coal Chamber late-90′s, I’m going to pass.

  • http://www.metalsucks.net Axl Rosenberg

    Retrograde:

    i) I don’t think there’s anything to defend, but I do actually think it’s a really, really good album.

    ii) Why is it interesting that I bring up the term “pop metal?”

  • Bryan

    Bad and gay aren’t the same thing.

  • TJ

    I’ll admit, some of the songs are catchy as hell, although I don’t really enjoy the singer’s voice all too much.

    That said, there is surely something to be said for wanting to punch every member of the band in the jaw for looking like a bunch of idiot 13 year olds with $100 gift cards to Hot Topic.

  • http://newghosts.com Shnaz

    There is nothing to defend. A7X is super-talented and they made a catchy record. The very least it could do is cause a trickle-down effect for other metal bands that deserve exposure.

  • heaveho

    calling a band gay in a derogatory context is a characteristic of the most ignorant and small-minded of the metal (or any) community. this post underscores the ridiculousness of such comments, hopefully people take notice of how stupid it really is to call a band gay.

    that said, though you may like them, you’re not going to convince people to like this band based upon comparisons to the beatles or queen. they’re not even in the same universe, heterosexual or not.

  • heaveho

    also, i must wonder why metalheads sometimes need a support group to listen to other types of music besides “true metal”. it’s like the exact opposite of indie rocksters who are obsessed with finding some obscure style of music or listen to pop because it’s ironic. we got learn to respect our fellow metalheads who like like music for the sake of the music, whether pop or not.

    so to Axl, i won’t be going to any avenged sevenfold concerts with you anytime soon, but i’m glad you’re not afraid to like what you like.

  • http://www.myspace.com/freaksystemband Sammy

    I’ve been listening to metal music since 1982, when I first heard Screaming for Vengeance. But the people in our “community” of metal heads, even as diverse as that group has become, have always been the most close-minded, homophobic, defensive, posturing (and posing) group around. Lots and lots of big trucks (hiding small cocks), macho bullshit behavior. However, it hasn’t stopped me from liking many of the subgenres that have spawned over the many years since.

    I just don’t delude myself into believing our group of musical fans is any less moronic and fucktardish than any other fan base. Actually, in so many respects, it is much more so.

    At least Axl and Vince on this site can write about it with humor and sarcasm, with (mostly) good diction and grammar. Hell, I think they’re idiots sometimes, but at least they give us this forum.

  • Wayne

    Certainly can’t blame a guy for trying to spread some enthusiasm. Looks like MTV’s got a free stream of it. Now we can all decide for ourselves.

    http://www.mtv.com/music/the_leak/avenged_sevenfold/avenged_sevenfold/

  • Seth

    a7x can play their instruments…very well even. There are a ton of bands out there that can rip it up and nobody in the mainstream has ever heard of them. A7x is mainstream popular because of their image. If its ok for people to love a7x because of their image, its ok for me to not like them because of their image. If i sat down and forced myself to listen to several hours of their material, I’d prolly come out saying “these guys are pretty catchy”. I just don’t want to. In the same vein that I don’t want to do heroine…it might be fun but _________ (i’ll let others fill in the blank). That being said, I like Fall Out Boy, so this entire post is basically a contradiction.

  • vegaseric

    I like the album…if that makes me gay then fuck it. I fuck chicks you would love to.

  • http://www.IKILLYA.com jasonfromIKILLYA

    dude. will you please get the fuck off their dick??!!

  • Tag

    EXACTLY!!!! Avenged Sevenfold is fuckin pop-metal… In fact, they’re pop-metal at its finest! And ya…in case you guys havn’t noticed, metal (as a genre) happens to be the most homo-erotic genre there is. And it’s fuckin rad!

  • http://last.fm/user/cooperaa Aaron Cooper

    Poppy fun songs can be good, but being poppy and fun does not make a song good. The new CD has no Beast and the Harlot, no Strength of the World, no Bat Country, no Unholy Confessions. There’s nothing on the new disc to make me come back for more, simple put.

  • Ken M

    yeah instead of those songs it has MOTHERFUCKING FACEMELTERS

    AFTERLIFE, SCREAM, BROMPTON COCKTAIL

    shut your fucking hating faces.

    avenged owns you and your mothers.

  • Tag

    It’s a different album. I havn’t found many tracks with much substance yet, but it’s still cool. Doesn’t deserve the hate…that’s for sure!

  • Joshua

    damn those arppeggios make me wanna jizz just thinkin bout it