[For the next several weeks, HORSE the Band keyboardist Erik Engstrom, aka Lord Gold, will be posting tour blogs from the road, exclusively here at MetalSucks. This week, Erik shares his thoughts on what it means to be metal. Be sure to check out HORSE the band on MySpace, and catch them on their North American tour which runs through the end of November.]

METAL QUIZ
Metal to me (you) is (pick one)
1. invisible brutality
2. admirable musicianship with inspirational clean-singing breaks

What is most brutal to you?
1. Capturing and raping a virgin, chaining her up for a week and dressing her in fur until she falls in love with you, and then fighting her against another overlord’s slave prostitute and not caring when she loses and dies except that you bet a sword on it.
2. Tremolo picking
3. Drum triggers
4. Playing a solo perfectly while looking at your fretboard and not moving your body
5. Never getting laid

Who personifies metal more?
1. A drunk, sweating, screaming dude going apeshit on stage punching audience members in the face and getting kicked off tours
2. A soft-spoken dude who never sweats, fake screams using a diaphragm method taught to him by a vocal coach, does vocal warm ups, and puts his foot up on a monitor for the climax of songs, and thanks the audience graciously for their support
3. Hannah Montana, a 15-year-old girl
4. Lily Allen, a chick from England who drinks a .75 liter of Jager by herself from the start of her set to the end of her set
NOTE: From now on a .75L of Jager should be known as “a Lily Allen of Jager”.

Why does everyone love Dethklok but then listen to ___ ____ _______?

One time I met this guy. He was the drummer for a popular death metal band. Before a show, you might think a death metal band would be trying drink every beer backstage, setting up a recording device in the girl’s bathroom, and stealing bottles of obscure liqueur from the bar. But you are wrong. What really was happening was the normal brutal band routine. The drummer was warming up with rudiments on his drum pad in the back room for 4 hours. The two guitarists were on their Macbooks playing Internet Boggle, their singer was pacing around doing vocal exercises in the middle of everyone, and their bassist was taking a nap after doing a photo shoot with PETA.

When they had to play something was wrong with the drum triggers so they couldn’t use them, and there were no overhead mics at the club. After 2 songs the band literally just had to stop playing cause no one (no one) could hear kick or cymbal. It’s not like the drummer just said fuck it, kicked it in to overdrive, and made it happen. He couldn’t actually hit his drums hard enough for them to be audible.

That’s how fucking brutal metal is today. In order to play your songs you need a sensor to detect the slightest brush against your kick drum head and then it sends a really loud noise to the PA. And you can’t hit gigantic cymbals hard enough for people standing on stage with you to hear. That’s talent. That’s fucking brutal. Did you see how still that guy stood while he played his derivative sweep solo? He didn’t miss a note. He gently caressed his strings with a total movement of 8 centimeters in his right thumb and forefinger. Fucking metal. Soooo sick.

There should be a new name for the genres called death metal, tech-metal, and math-metal today. It can be called “I Watch Videos of Polyrhythmic Drum Solos on YouTube for Fun, and I Can’t Throw a Ball, I Grew Up Without a Dad, and If I Wouldn’t Have Gotten Way Into Playing Guitar In My Room By Myself For 14 Years When No One Would Talk to Me, I Would Have Turned Out To Be a Gamer Who Lives With My Parents At 35 (Oh Shit Actually I Am Both of Those Things)-tal.” So far black metal is still keeping it real. I personally can’t wait for 15-year-olds to make up “blackcore” though, that is going to be AWESOME!

The only person who hasn’t lost site of what matters is me. Me and Lily Allen. So fuck you, I’ll see you at the gym.

Quiz answers: 2,5,4