When LA transplant Scott Ian recently declared that “I come from a New York that doesn’t exist any more so there’s not much for me to miss,” you could hardly blame the guy; this city is rapidly dying and will soon be one big strip mall. Case in point: John Varvatos’ take-over of the space that was once CBGB. Even though we’ve known this was coming for a while, the press release Varvatos’ “peeps” put out yesterday made me foam at the mouth with rage all over again – mostly because it’s indicative of what a truly self-centered, disingenuous poseur Varvatos is. After the jump, the press release – with our comments in bold, natch.

“John Varvatos Enterprises There is nothing more punk than having a large corporation named after you has announced the opening of its latest boutique at 315 Bowery in New York City, the space that formerly housed the seminal underground music club CBGB. Varvatos, known for infusing And by ‘infusing’ we mean ‘exploiting’ his personal passion for rock and roll John Varvatos is so rock that he spells out the “and” in “rock n’ roll!” into his acclaimed menswear collections Doesn’t that make it sound like they should sell his shit at a Hot Topic, another ‘awesome’ store that deals in ‘passion for rock and roll?’, is aiming for a spring 2008 opening.

“The opportunity to take over the defunct club arose when Varvatos was viewing the adjacent space at 313 Bowery for an entirely separate purpose I’d love to know what this ‘entirely separate purpose’ was – are they saying he wasn’t already looking for a space for a new store in a trendy neighborhood? ‘Cause that’s a load of crap. Overwhelmed by a desire to see the shuttered venue where he had attended countless shows over the years, Varvatos asked the lease-holder if he could take a look. Once inside, the designer was inspired to exploit the history of the space for yuppies who don’t know any better do what he could to help keep the spirit of CBGB alive in its original East Village location By opening an unaffordable clothing store? And that’s in the spirit of CBGB how…?. ‘The space had been empty for the better part of a year as we searched for the richest right tenant. John Varvatos is ideal because he could make a down payment right there on the spot has a real reverence for the history of the space and every intention of honoring its legacy,” said Elliott Azrak Wouldn’t “Azrak” make a good name for a metal band? of Azrak Capital Group Again, not sure what ugly, over-priced clothing has to do with the legacy of CBGB – if anything, they should sell ugly, cheap clothing – but capital groups are so totally rawk!. Azrak’s Rebel Rebel Realty Too many easy jokes to make here took over the lease in 2006 after the exit of long-time tenant Hilly Kristal who fought for years to keep CBGB alive and then died shortly after he was more or less evicted from the space. We can’t mention that in this press release ’cause it’s depressing, but, yeah, that guy is dead. Stone. Fucking. Dead.

“John Varvatos — the man and the brand – has ties to the world of music that run deep Deep pockets buy deep ties, after all. An avid fan of such bands as Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Replacements, and The New York Dolls since his teen years growing up in Detroit, Varvatos now features legendary rockers in his advertising campaigns BTW, Johnny Boy, being a fan doesn’t give you street cred – I mean, I’m a big fan of David Lee Roth and Motley Crue, but if I took over the Rainbow and turned it into a Marc Jacobs, I’d still just be a shit stain, right, you shit stain? And while we’re talking about you being a shit stain – no member of Led Zep, The Who, or The Replacements has ever been in one of your ads; that’s just a pathetic effort to try and fool people into thinking you’re hooked up with all those bands, which you’re not. The ads, photographed by Grammy-nominated music documentarian Danny Clinch, have showcased Slash, Ryan Adams It’s always been Slash’s dream to be mentioned in the same breath as Ryan Adams!, Alice Cooper, and CBGB alum Iggy Pop All my heroes have failed me… Thanks for all your help, Iggy, wearing Varvatos’ signature designs. With a nod but not an actual paycheck, ’cause really, who are we kidding? to The Ramones, Varvatos also collaborates with Converse on a line of sneakers and clothing Not that The Ramones weren’t image-conscious, ’cause they most certainly were, but none of this actually has anything to do with them – it’s just another cheap reference to try and prove Varvatos has street cred, which he does not. In addition, Varvatos has played host to an array of legendary rockers, including The New York Dolls who had a comeback record to promote who performed at the launch of the Converse by John Varvatos clothing collection, Jesse “Tool” Malin at The Highline to benefit Free Arts NYC, and most recently, Perry “Bigger Tool” Farrell at a benefit for the VH1 Save The Music Foundation, a charity of which John is also a board member And in case you haven’t noticed, all this talk about concerts and charities is apropos of nothing – just Varvatos continuing his sad effort to prove how rock he is, and show he’s a good guy. Frequent CBGB performer and East Village local Jesse Malin Remember when Jesse Malin was cool? Remember D-Generation? When did this guy become such a douchetard*? I’d say that I’m gonna punch him the next time I see him at Niagara, but I have self-respect and an IQ larger than my shoe size and therefore steer clear of Niagara commented, ‘After getting to know John over the years and seeing him host wonderful live music performances, I can’t think of anyone better to keep the spirit and soul of rock music alive on the Bowery in the old CBGB’s location.’ How about someone doing something rock music related, Jesse? Wouldn’t that be a better person to keep the spirit of CBGB alive? How much did Varvatos pay you to say this? Don’t you think the Jesse Malin who got arrested by Giuliani’s SSPD for taping D-Generation show flyers on street lamps would hate you?

“Varvatos is thrilled about the new location that comprises 3,300 square feet in the original club space. ‘This store is going to be totally unique, different from our other boutiques,’ said the designer trying to reassure people that it’s not that bad. ‘We’re going to make it a great way to look back at this remarkable history but also forward to what’s happening in music today.’ Among the many ideas being considered for the new store are a special merchandise mix geared to a rock and roll customer, a stage permanently integrated into the store design, an in-store performance series featuring up and coming musical artists This is starting to sound like the Rock N’ Roll Coaster at Disneyland or something, and a new John Varvatos collection designed specifically for 315 Bowery, from which a portion of the proceeds would benefit an artist development fund ‘See what a good guy I am?’. ‘I think it’s great… now all the old CBGB punks will become the best-dressed CBGB punks in the world,’ declared Alice Cooper.” I guess I should have known better than to expect a little dignity from right-wing golfer Alice Cooper, but still: the old CBGB punks couldn’t afford Varvatos’ clothes, Alice; anyone who can afford said clothes probably isn’t a CBGB punk, regardless of what their phony vintage shirt says; and Debbie Harry was, is, and will always be the best-dressed CBGB punk. Now go book a tour, Ryan Roxie is starving!

-AR

*Thanks, Sammy!