LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, CALL OFF THE SEARCH: WE HAVE FOUND THE WORST BAND IN METAL TODAY
Monday, January 28th, 2008 at 5:08pm by Axl RosenbergOkay okay okay, a HUGE pat on the back to MetalSucks reader Thomas C. Wills, who wrote Vince and I to ask us why we’d never covered Van Canto, band that, in the words of Mr. Wills, “make Atreyu look like Watain.” In other words: they’re fucking weak, dude.
See, Van Canto violate what we here at MetalSucks feel is the single unbreakable rule of metal: your music has to have, y’know, instruments. But the band’s website (which I absolutely refuse to link to, discuss, or ever even look at again) describes them thusly: “Five singers, one drummer. No guitars, no bass, no keyboards but nevertheless an unbelievable melodic metal experience.” Which is, of course, the douche baggiest self-description ever written by anyone who’s not a chick on J Date.
Seriously: it’s one thing to do an Iron Maiden song or something as a joke in your college glee club – I mean, you shouldn’t do that, or even be in a college glee club, but I guess if you were it would be excusable – and maybe it would even be cool if these people seemed, y’know, cool, or at least deliberately funny; but they don’t. These people are fucking DORKS, dude, in no small part because they take their shitty little “melodic metal experience” wwwaaaayyyy too fucking seriously (they’re German, so, uh, big shock). I bet these guys all got beaten up in high school, and, no joke, they deserve to be beaten up now.
Do we think they’re all fucking that one girl in the group? I can’t imagine anyone else would fuck them. This is SO FUCKING LAME I don’t even know where to begin. Here’s the video for “The Mission.”
[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/6F9aJuHJE80" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]
Jesus Christ, I just threw up in my own mouth a little bit.
-AR
This wouldn’t be so bad with other instruments backing it up…minus the super cheesy lyrics…and nausiating camera sweeps…but at least they put pride in their vocals, unlike most metal bands these days.
Ha ha this reminds me of dokaka.
http://www.dokaka.com/index.html
I was about to call you guys on being close-minded and too metal for your own good, but man… that’s really fucking awful. Best part about it is: the band is clearly doing this without a hint of self-awareness. They think they’re changing the WORLD!
Seriously, it’s like if “Rent” were a shitty power metal band.
I managed to make it through one minute and forty-five seconds.
I’m still trying to figure out how.
This is a joke, right? There’s no way this shit is legit. You guys made this up over the weekend just for a laugh.
It kind of highlights the problem of not having an instrument, or even a mic. When you don’t have something to do with your hands, you have to either stand there like a statue or do stupid hand/arm movements like these guys.
The chick is pretty hot though. And when did Quentin Tarantino start playing drums?
Wow. These guys even make Dani Filth look like he has some actual talent. And thats pretty sad.
Can I be the first person to say that they are at least better than five finger death punch?
Why don’t they just call themselves an a capella (with drums) group? The chick is a POA though.
i feel like marcellus wallace after watching that shit. and yeah, huge rack
Fuck, I just watched that for 2 minutes and I feel dirty. I’m gonna go clean myself off with some Lair of the Minotaur.
Ok, so that is a joke. Right? Is this an SNL skit? Because it looks like one, and how would I know I never watch that show.
Seriously, I’ll bring a fifth of whiskey and we’ll fly to wherever these fags are from and beat them senseless. Someone videotape it to put on metalsucks.
Oh yeah, and, bad as they are, that chick is still a POA. Of course she’s probably banging one of the members, which is why she is involved in such a dumbass venture. Such a waste of nice breasts.
“Seriously, it’s like if “Rent” were a shitty power metal band.” – The Pig In Zen
The quote of the night, right there. I nearly pissed my pants. I made it to 2:01. Anyone top that?
Why. Why does this “Band” Exist? The Pain! The Pain!
The guy from Police Academy could do this a whole hell of better. I’d headbang to him. She is putting those puppies on display. The only reason worth watching.
lol numall thtas prty funny shit right there ya this just disgraces all thats metal there people should be bound and thrown offa bridge for the if not for us think of the children, will some1 plz think of the children?
Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse…
They covered The Trooper http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keZkk28CtoU&eurl=http://www.metalsucks.net/?p=4109
Holy shit, “Trooper” WAS actually worse than the above video. Considerably worse, incredible as that is to comprehend. Is this a put-on, because seriously, the only excuse is if they’re autistic or CP kids or something. No one could intentionally do anything this retarded without knowing how retarded it is, could they?
Goddamn, that was worse. At least they kind of know what they’re doing in the original video, even if it is lame as fuck. They’re harmonizing and shit using the vocals. Trying to sing a guitar riff seriously just sounds goddamn silly and awkward.
Michael,
They cover Battery from Metallica
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vgR88G-bHcM
HILARIOUSLY BAD
Great comment too The Pig in Zen..
“rindiddly-rin-diddliddly battery battery.” I can’t stop laughing!! thanks guys, thanks for this. Every time someone tells me about their new favorite band, this is what im bustin out.
It does make me really uncomfortable to listen for more than 30 seconds though, like 2 girls 1 cup uncomfortable.
Come on,people! Where’s the freedom of expression? I personally found it to be an experience. If you judge them by those standards, then you deny the very essence of bands such as Apocalyptica or Elend. How do you find Apocalytica? Non metal cause they don’t have guitars? How do you find Elend? I remember when listening Elend for the first time, I waited for half of the album for that damn drum to come in and I realized it will never come in cause there is no drum. How about it?
Are you really surprised by this? This is what you get for liking european bands that thinks that dragons and operas are ‘power’ metal, focusing on melody rather than the sheer power of it. I’m looking for a joke but i can’t top pig in zen’s one, i guess I just find this so ridiculous that it incites me pity instead of laughter.
Slightly better than Children of Bodom.
sounds like btbam
did anyone bother to check their Wiki-page? awesome!
“lower rakkatakka vocals”, “higher rakkatakka vocals”, “lowest dandan vocals”…
i really wanted to go to wacken this year, but now…
charlie bauerfeind produced their album, that explains a lot…
btw: the woman’s name is Scharf, which could be translated as “hot”…
Wow, I’m disappointed by all the haters in this thread. Metal has evolved past just heavy distortion and aggressive vocals. To me, metal is not strictly about instrumentation, but rather it’s about virtuosity and pushing limits in combination with aggression. These guys lack aggression, but they capture other fundamental elements of metal, and therein lies their brilliance. It seems to me that a lot of you only appreciate a narrow band in the metal spectrum. Maybe if they all carried 6′ swords you could more comfortably label them as power metal sans guitars? I wouldn’t trade a “real” metal band for these guys, but they have their place in the metal world.
P.S. The drummer kicks ass.
You’re right Brian, but that doesn’t make this band any less awful.
As much as I do hate this “band”, I find myself agreeing with Brooklyn Brian regarding his thesis on the narrowmindedness of metalheads here and everywhere.
All they need is a gimmick!!!
Christian Rock Band???!!!
It seems no one appreciates power metal anymore. If you guys were open minded enough to realize that metal can be much more diverse than simply bands with two guitars, a bass, drums and a singer the world would be a better place. Sure, the lyrics are cheesy, but it IS power metal.
All in all, if you gave the Van Canto cd a listen and weren’t trying to be the cool kid who hates the gay looking german guys you would realize that they are actually very good at what they do, and it is a really progressive idea. I can say with 100% certainty that they have more talent that most of the mallcore bullshit that gets posted about on this site…
I kind of agree with Sammy and Brian, but I would have to say: Different does not equal good. I’m all for experimentation, but just because these guys are doing something outside the box doesn’t mean they should. This is like Enya with dudes and drums… and an Iron Maiden cover.
I don’t mind power metal. This isn’t power metal. This just sounds silly to my ears.
Do I think they’re having a good time? Yeah. Hell, I’d be willing to check out one of their shows if I had a few beers in me.
The’ve got great voices and a great drummer, but I just can’t call this metal. If they were to come back with a band and use their great voices to sing, I think we’d all be singing a different tune. This sounds more like a Broadway musical to me.
My $.02.
God Damnit what the FUCK, the chick never got naked.
The beautiful thing about the Internet is there’s always someone willing to play devil’s advocate. No matter what it is or how stupid it may be, someone will defend it online. God Bless The Internet.
IMO no guitar = not metal. It’s like trying to make an authentic Italian dinner without somehow involving tomatoes along the way, not possible. No denying it might be “something”, but without amplified guitars it ain’t metal.
At least as far as I am concerned, I’m not goofing on Van Canto because they’re different or because I’m narrow-minded. I’m goofing on them because they’re a goof. Just as a point of reference, I passed the link along to a few friends who have no interest in anything “metal” and they found it just as stupid as anyone else here did. So it really isn’t about metal-head elitism or snobbery either, it’s about how stupid this Van Canto is. It’s all in good fun & that broad really isn’t bad at all, she should go solo and/or topless.
People, people. Look. I read the post and wanted to defend these guys too. A capella power metal? Not actually a bad idea in concept – it’d still be silly if you found power metal silly, which many of us do, but it could be decent power metal. I like hearing well-sung harmonies, I was ready not to hate.
However, if you go watch the cover of “The Trooper,” these guys embellish their rendition by singing “The Troopah Iron-uh Maiden-uh.” Not just once, but many times. This pretty much ends any arguments about closed-minded metal dudes. You do not have be open-minded about “The Troopah Iron-uh Maiden-uh.” It would actually be wrong to be open-minded about something like that.
Gotta go with The DUDE on this one–A Capella is not metal. I don’t like Acapella, at all. I think its stupid and just doesnt sound good to me. That being said, even if i liked a capella, I would say its lame that this band is trying to claim they are metal. For those of you who have forgotten, METAL comes from the term HEAVY METAL, which would imply that some sort of heavy metallic machinery is used in the creation of this music. In practical application, this machinery is electric guitars and big ass amplifiers. If Van Canto wants to classify themselves as “A capella with a focus on heavy metal rhythyms and style”, im ok with that–but dont go off trying to label yourself as a “heavy metal experience”, cause YOU ARE NOT a heavy metal experience.
PS – you are all horny bastards. By droolin over this chick you are buying into this band as metal, because it is rare to see a hot chick in metal–howevr, this band is a capella, and there are many hot chicks in a capella, so big whoop.
Ugh. I have a horrible taste in my mouth from having gotten involved in a debate over being “metal”, but I’m going to continue my defense of Van Canto.
Dude Manbro, I wouldn’t rely on non-metalheads as judges. They probably think a lot of things in metal that you and I love are stupid. Let’s face it, cheesiness is a part of metal, and a lot of people can’t get past corpse paint or song titles like “Fuck Your Mother/Rape Your Dog” enough to pay attention to the music.
John D., I admit that hearing the word “battery” over and over or “The Troopah Iron-uh Maiden-uh” is pretty irritating, but it’s a trifling reason to write off a band while claiming to be open-minded. This is how a capella works. I’d prefer that they stick to singing meaningless syllables like “doo doo”, “la la”, or even “do re mi fa so la ti da” when not singing lyrics, but I’m guessing someone out there will think that sounds too silly or “gay” to be metal. At least they seem to limit saying song and band names over and over to cover songs.
Seth, according to you, something with “a focus on heavy metal rhythyms [sic] and style” is not necessarily metal (sounds pretty metal to me), but simply having guitars and big amps is metal because it uses “heavy metallic machinery”. This boils down to saying that using loud amps is metal regardless of the music you play. I don’t think I could possibly disagree more with your overly literal definition of metal that seems to have very little to do with the music itself. Remember that Van Canto does use amps, with distorted mics instead of distorted guitars. Keeping that in mind, where does your logic lead? Do you really think that when the many subgenres of metal formed, people were thinking of machinery?
One last point. Seth is right that a capella is not metal. That’s because they are two incomparable things: metal is a genre of music and a capella is a way of performing a style of music. Saying this is like saying the spread offense is not football or C++ is not an OS. I say a capella metal is metal, and I think it’s naive to ignore its plausibility. Maybe I can more easily overlook some things because I’m a drummer, drumming is my primary focus in metal, and the drumming is the one thing that is unchanged.
obviously using guitars and amps and metal machinery is not the only component of being a metal band, but I believe it to be one neccessary component. When the forefathers of metal created the music that would later spawn the genre and define what it is, the biggest difference was heaviness. Black Sabbath detuned their guitars and created a new sound, for example. Metal has evolved and now encompasses a variety of sounds, so sure Brian, by your definition Van Canto is metal, they perform metal songs using an a capella style. However, if you are going to take a genre and perform it, removing the most integral part of the sound, your band is missing the boat.
You are really funny! Excuse my bad english, you know I’m one of those stupid dragon-fighter-warrior-king germans….
I tried to count how often you think that van canto members don’t have sex that I can’t get off the idea that not having sex is the main problem of the author of this blog.
See: van canto are just having fun performing metal songs a capella. What’s the problem? Ignore them if you don’t like it. Germans seem to like it, the band made it to Wacken and is working with the Blind Guardian producer after having existed for exactly 12 months! I saw them live twice and they are great singers. Besides they all play in german metal bands (Jester’s funeral, Synasthasia) for more than 12 years.
People like you are the real reason why metal was invented. You sound like my grandma: “You are not allowed to do that, nor to do that. Metal is with guitars. It has always been. Blablabla” You should all listen to jazz because there you can analyze every single tone and compare it to your “How to play jazz correctly”-Book.
Okay, I’m just trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It’s kinda like the singers of Manowar, Blind Guardian, Nightwish, and what ever other fucking Medieval-Pagan-We’re-Viking-Brides-And-Dragon-Slayers-Bands there are were thrown together here and forced to come up with the cheesiest thing they can, gun to their heads.
And please don’t anyone bother replying to this with that “Dude, the Manowar singer is like fuckin’ the best there is in the world you little fucking prick I’ll fuck your mama!” or “Blind Guardian isn’t Pagan Metal you faggot go die in hell you cunt” shit. That’s not what my comment is about. My point being: This sucks ass AND balls yo. Plain terrible. But I cannot stress enough: This is NOT the average German metal band!!!!! :D Not even close… Speaking of which: Go check the new Heaven Shall Burn album.
Oh, and to make another thing clear here: I’m not dissing their singing skills or anything, I mean what the hell, they’re decent singers already. I just cannot STAND this Princess-in-the-tower-Shit! With or without instruments.
Peace!
is useless.
43rd post, Bitches!
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