I don’t have anything particularly nice to say about Deathwish Bronson. I came across the below clip of the band on YouTube last night while watching clips of the actual Charles Bronson blow people away in the actual Death Wish movies*. They play pretty standard death metal flavored hardcore. There’s a bazillion other bands out there doing the same thing, and at least a million of ‘em are doing it better. So, y’know, I don’t begrudge them their success or anything, but I also wanna make it clear I’m not writing a glowing endorsement here.

Really, I just want to write about Deathwish Bronson because I love that this band exists. I mean, it just seems like it’s fake – like some people got together to play an elaborate Blair Witch-style trick on unsuspecting metalheads. I guess if I were a nicer person, I’d find some sort of beauty in the universality of the fact that, over in Puerto Rico, they have hardcore matinees with sixteen kids acting like idiots at the VFW hall, too, just like the ones I’ve had to suffer through (thank you very much, One Dead Three Wounded). But anyone who reads this site knows I’m not a nice person, so fuck it, let’s get back to the part where this seems fake.

First of all, those kids aren’t even quite doing the whole stupid hardcore schtick right. They look like a bunch of kids who have maybe seen the whole hardcore dancing thing done before but are only now trying it for the first time themselves.

But then there’s the part where they all gang rush that big fat fucker moo cow of a singer. I mean, it’s like it was fucking choreographed or something. And I wanna feel bad for the dude because he’s suddenly been tackled by a whole mess o’ kids, but it seems somehow almost too perfect that he just happens to be so big and fat that he can stay upright even though he’s supporting the weight of enough teenagers to bring down an ox with no real problem.

But the name of the band is the best part. Deathwish Bronson. I know that there are other bands obsessed with cheesy action movies, but c’mon: Deathwish Bronson somehow exceeds even The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravanganza for sheer Oh-they-did-not-actually-name-their-band-that fucked upness.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/wQs68A9vWUY" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

So what do you guys think? It must be part of a fucking Candid Camera-esque ruse, right?

-AR

*Don’t ask.

**Okay, ask. C’mon: the Deathwish movies are awesome. In the original Deathwish, they rape Bronson’s daughter and kill his wife, and he kills them all. In Deathwish II, they kill his daughter, and he kills them all. In Deathwish III, they kill his best buddy from ‘Nam and he kills them all. In Deathwish IV, they kill his fiancee’s daughter and then his fiancee herself, and he kills them all. Then, in Deathwish V, they kill his new fiancee and kidnap her daughter, and he goes to get her back, and then kills them all. Now, at some point wouldn’t people a) learn to stop fucking with Charles Bronson and thus avoid a terribly hideous death and b) learn to stop being friends and/or in any way shape or form linked to Charles Bronson, as everyone around him is mysteriously targeted by an endless parade of ruthless thugs and lethal mafia goons?