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Editorials

HAGAR AND ANTHONY: “VAN HALEN BROTHERS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ VAN HALEN BROTHERS!”

 Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 at 12:17pm by

Wow. If that picture doesn’t get your dick hard, nuthin’ will.

So. If there’s money to be made doing something, someone will do it. Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth didn’t really just kiss n’ make up one day, and it’s not like they had some driving creative desire to do another Van Halen tour; it’s all about the Benjamins, homie.

And why should Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony not get a piece of the poundcake? A lot of people (like me!) who would normally never pay for a Sammy Hagar solo album or a Michael Anthony solo album are considerably more likely to pick up a project that re-teams the two, because amongst our deepest, darkest secrets are the facts that we once thought that Kevin Smith was funny, that we like to choke ourselves while masturbating, and that we don’t get angry when someone chooses “Runaround” on the jukebox. So, of course, sisters are doin’ it for themselves, as Michael Anthony writes on his blog:

“Sammy and I are working on a new project with a couple of good friends, and it is going to be totally KICKASS!!, so stay tuned.”

Part of me thinks that maybe my April Fool’s joke is on me and a Velvet Hagarevolver record is now gonna be a part of the really real world; I mean, ditch that dude who isn’t Izzy and slide Duff McKagan over to rhythm guitars, and you’ve just given birth to the band most eagerly anticipated by anyone who has ever thought the confederate flag was cool, seriously considered date rape, or is from the state of New Jersey.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself; “some friends” are probably just Sammy and Mike’s kids. Which is fine by me. If there’s one thing I’m achin’ for, it’s some serious shit slinging in the press between Andy Hagar and Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen.

-AR

[thanks to: Saul Hudson]

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  • http://www.myspace.com/evilsammy Sammy

    Sammy Hagar has long (I mean a real long time) been a guilty pleasure. Sure, he’s put out more drivel and crap than good material, but the dude is just so damn likable and every once in a while puts out something that screams “drive fast with the top down”!

    How many 60-year-olds look that good, that happy and have that great a head of hair?!

  • http://countshockula.blogspot.com ezra

    Speaking of hair, whats with Mike’s mullet? It’s not even good FOR A MULLET, let alone hair.

  • jaime

    Kudos on the use of “fatty ding dongs”. More dethklock references, please!

  • Muttweiler

    If we’ve all learned anything from the hard rock/heavy metal landscape over the last 10 years or so… Has beens gotta eat too and most of them don’t have any other useful life skills until Pharmaceutical companies can use human testing to determine max doses of narcotics.

  • amy

    ‘Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’ is more accurate than ‘Wolfgang Van Halen’. Yeah, Eddie, your kid is totally just like Mozart.

    First two Van Hagar records are awesome. They just don’t resemble Van Halen at all. I just pretend it’s a totally different band with a lamer guitarist, fartier drummer, and Desmond Child-esque songwriting. Desmond Child on his best day. Verrrry best day.

  • dave

    one of the guys is Joe Satriani, dont know who would be on drums.

    dave

  • http://www.hibernum.net Hibernum

    Posts like this is what keeps me coming back here day after day…

  • Deserthead

    Satriani on guitars & Chad Smith (RHCP) on drums is what I heard. Callin’ emselves Chickenfoot apparently… salivating in anticipation!

  • Dude Manbro

    Rumor has it that Anthony might learn a new note on the bass for this very special project, which should mesh nicely with the other two he regularly plays.

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  • http://none Dirty Duck / Ducky

    Call me old school….call me a fool but…
    I could give 2 shits about sammy hagar or his twin michael anthony.
    These two lost whatever “cool” they had many many many years ago
    and i will never own anything that sammy is a part of.
    No…i truly cant stand the guy.
    To me “REAL” rock is CLASSIC VAN HALEN….case closed.
    I was brought up around Eddie Dave Alex and Mike.
    When Sammy joined VH I was so turned off man…
    It was like finding out the girl you’ve loved for years was a man…
    ANYWAY! Enough about the past. I’m just sick of SUPERGROUPS
    cause we all know they never really last.
    Once VH goes on tour again with ROTH (hopefully this summer)
    “The other half” will be a sideshow memory.
    Van halen grossed over 9 million on their last tour and believe me…it was
    stellar! Granted…it’s not 1980 or even 1984 again…but for 2006
    VH blew me away….not bad for a bunch of 50 year olds huh?
    I’ll stick with the real thing….the other half is just not that exciting…sorry.
    Just my opinion….
    Also..anyone who thinks sammy and michael anthony look great are on crack man!
    Ha..ha….I couldnt stop laughing when i heard that!
    Dave and Eddie look great for their ages….not those two clowns!