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...And Fuck You Too

OZZY OSBOURNE TO WORLD: “I STILL HAVE TOO MUCH CREDIBILITY LEFT”

 Monday, July 7th, 2008 at 11:15am by

Holy cocksucking piece of fucking shit, Vince and I go away for a few days and everything falls to crap. I didn’t even check on metal news for the entire weekend, and then I wake up this morning to see terrible piece of news after terrible piece of news filling my inbox and RSS reader. I should have just dropped 48 tabs of acid all at once and been done with it all.

So, first up: Ozzy fucking Osbourne and the whore sucking his life force away his wife Succubus Sharon Osbourne are going to host a fucking variety show, which apparently has the working title of The Osbournes: Loud and Dangerous. They wanted to call the show Barely Able to Sing Anymore and Perfectly Harmless but Atreyu have already snagged that moniker for the title of their next album.

ANYWAY, the show is being produced by Fox exec Mike Darnell (pictured above), the “alternative programming” (read: reality shows) behind every piece of crap reasonable, sane people have been avoiding for the past decade (see: American Idol, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?, MILF Island, Who Wants to Fuck a Midget?, etc.).

I don’t even know what to say about Ozzy anymore. I guess I should be used to my heroes growing old, fat, and lame, but fer Chrissakes – isn’t this the dude who used to bite heads off of things and pee on national monuments and try to kill his wife in the midst of psychotic breakdowns? And now he’s gonna try and be Ed motherfucking Sullivan? Why? He doesn’t have enough money already?

Sigh. It’s gonna be a terrible week.

-AR

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  • Sammy

    What is this “enough money” you speak of?

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    Seeing a hero grow old, fat, and lame is one thing. This is just downright fucking shameful.

  • http://www.myspace.com/jay234t Jason

    Yeah. That show will last. [/sarcasm]

  • Jim

    I feel sorry for the old bastard, that cunt just keeps trotting him out and making him dance like a monkey, then turns around and spends his money, what’s he to do?

  • Danny

    She won’t reports when he dies. She’ll prolly stick her hand up his ass and make an Ozzy puppet. You can’t understand what he says, and he moves really slow.

  • http://www.conorschaefer.com/blog/ Conor

    Way to come back with a bang, Axl! Missed you guys over the weekend. Glad to have you back in my life and tearing apart all the things that wound me.

  • Sammy

    This doesn’t in any way wound me or taint some mythical hero. I saw Ozzy live a few times in his so-called peak years (mid-80s) and I’ve got news for you: he was old and fat then. That lame water tossing he does now (reportedly to hide a urination issue), he was doing then. The weak side-to-side hand waving? Check old video. Same. Except back then he was always fucked up while playing, so it was even worse.

    And while I’m at it, Jake E. Lee live was the biggest poseur ever. It looked like he was playing to a full-length mirror. Memories have a way of enhancing the positive of yesterday and cleansing the negative.

    About a third of Ozzy’s songs are good, a third meh and a third total shit.

  • Revrant

    Ozzy is a rocker, he had a huge fucking fit just being on her old talk show ONCE back in the day, because he thought it was total bullshit, he won’t last three episodes with something as annoying and pedantic as a Variety show.

  • miguel_g(Peru)

    Zakk, please, if you have some dignity, SAVE YOUR MENTOR.

  • Sammy

    Zakk is too busy continuing his quest to release every single song he’s ever recorded or thought of recording.

  • Milk Lizard

    Well, they made over fifty episodes of the osbournes, which I thought was pretty fucking degrading. I still think ozzy’s a pretty cool guy (he was great when I saw him with Sabbath in ’05), but the people he surrounds himself with, especially Sharon, are total fucking retards (the exception is Mike Bordin, he still r00lz)

  • Kye

    I just laughed at the Atreyu joke for about 5 minutes ^_^

  • TedTedPoleyPoley

    they should give this show to Gene Simmons instead, i’d watch that

  • http://noyokono.blogspot.com noyokono

    They should revive The Gong Show with Dio.

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    “They should revive The Gong Show with Dio.”

    Comedy Central’s reviving it with Dave Attell.

  • Nick

    hm. perhaps, on a positive note… they’ll have (using air quotes) Metal bands perform on the show. and um, well… bolster the scene as it were? Ok, this show will be serious $$$ whoreville… but if my previous hypothesis is right, at least it’ll maybe bring a few white kids away from hip-Hop (NOT intended as a racist statement)

  • http://www.myspace.com/crocpodcast Noch

    I agree with the Shameful part.

    This is ridiculous.

    I’m not stunned about it since after The Osbournes,all the shitty Ozzfest line-ups and the recent shitty Ozzy records and most his new shitty performances…a shitty variety show was something to expect.

    But it’s still pretty fucking lame.

  • Mike

    About a year ago, there was a trailer for a show hosted by Lemmy. He would audition unsigned bands, and the winner would support Motorhead. What happened to that?

  • http://noyokono.blogspot.com noyokono

    @Nick: too late. You are now a racist.

  • Revrant

    Noch: You do know only one album has been released since The Osbournes, right? And I wouldn’t call it shitty, nor Ozzfest, most greedy bastards wouldn’t dare host such a massive free concert, and you’ll note how many of those greedy assholes refused to play as a result. Talent-wise he’s just ancient, he’s still singing about the same things, Zakk is still showing off his guitar skills, and Mike is on the drums, but you can’t maintain a Zenith, no band or singer can.

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  • Chuck

    Um…I wanna fuck a midget. Where do I sign up?

  • Ozzy Hate

    Ozzy Osbourne is the product of inbred sodomy, his mother is a cocaine, crack and pot junkie while his father was a brain dead alcoholic, and ozzy, is all of the above. His wife has nothing more than her style going for her, his son, an insult to those with down syndrome and his daughter is a fucking emo. What does that say about the fan base and state of the world ! Price of darkness, a self given title. Ozzy you fat fucking bloated mental patient, fuck you and your fans, ozzy’s brand of metal was a fake, come on, it was not metal, it is mental, his goth look is what tricked people into thinking he was playing metal. Godhatesgoths.com should have ozzy as their prime example of what excrement is. Those goggles he wears are stupid, it is what his parents used to conceive him in a field of goats and sodomy, though ozzy fans will love that, here goatie.