INTRODUCING METALSUCKS’ NEW ADVICE COLUMN: ASK ANTON OYVEY
Monday, July 21st, 2008 at 3:07pm by MetalSucks
“If Roadrunner and Revolver can have their own advice columns, why not MetalSucks?”
This is the question Axl posed to Vince one recent, typically bong smoke-filled evening at the MetalSucks Mansion, and thus the search for a new MS columnist began.
Luckily for all you, Axl and Vince managed to find the perfect person, a sage rebbi known to the world as Anton OyVey (see photo, right). Starting in the next week or so, the right honorable OyVey will be answering any questions that might be bouncing around in that noggin of yours: Should I break up with my girlfriend? What do I do if I hate my parents? Are Axl and Vince real people? Metallica or Slayer? Chicken or fish? If you have a query, the all-too-wise Anton OyVey will point you in the right direction.
So send your questions to the latest member of the MetalSucks Militia at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, and check back here for the answers (or you can, y’know, just leave a question in the comments section below). Anton OyVey’s advice is guaranteed to fix your entire life!*
-The Ever-Growing Team at MetalSucks
*Advice may not actually fix your entire life.
Iif your evenings are bong-smoke filled, where do I sign up?
Several questions have plagued me over the years….
1. Is it cool to wear the tshirt of the bad you are seeing at their concert?
2. What is the best drink other than beer to consume while listening to metal?
3. When does a girl’s official status change from “really wasted” to “passed out” and is it legal/ethical to still have sex w/ her in either state?
I refuse to ask advice to someone who’s name sounds so eerily smilar to Anton LaVey’s.
1. no
2. whatever you want
3. no and no
That was easy. I should do this for a living.
Andres: From whom would you rather ask advice on MetalSucks? This seems like a perfectly rational choice.
Haha, it was a joke. ;)
I normally don’t make a habit of taking advice from people who’s name sound eerily familar to the founder of the church of Satan.
whatever
Fair enough. I’d have a problem if our budding Dear Abby’s nom de guerre didn’t involve our dark lord.
Andres, you totally saw that too. I knew there was something wrong with this guy’s name, but I couldn’t figure it.
Pick-Axe, you’re a riot.
And question:
Is it metally(?) ethical to have two Flying-V ax wielding guitarists in a single band?
If a band has a dual-necked guitar onstage, but only uses one of the necks, is it ok to call the band a bunch of posers?
It is ABSOLUTELY ethical to have two flying V’s – especially if they are white. Case in point: BOULDER.
http://www.myspace.com/bouldersragers (Not the best of their songs, but it will do, esp DLR Is King)
Reaped In Half is one of my fav metal records ever.
are you still heavy and brutal if you listen to jimi hendrix and zz top and then turn around and listen to cannibal corpse and the black dahlia murder?
the difference between really wasted and passed out: If you poke with a stick (wooden) and she doesn’t move = passed out, if she moves 2 arms and her head towards such stick = not passed out. Passed out = not cool. Really wasted = have fun.
And btw joey I laughed for a few min reading that.
Would it be wrong to start a chain letter on the day that Metallica’s new cd is released instructing people to download the fuck out of it? Like those stupid emails telling people not to buy gas on a certain date, or not shopping on Black Friday.
Megadeth or Metallica?
If one makes a band shirt (namely, Megadeth) out of a plain white t-shirt, and uses an iron patch, would he be considered a poser in doing so?
Dear Anton,
A female friend of mine hooked up with this jerk. They even started living together a few weeks ago. I was wondering, what metal lyric describes the best way to make him ‘disappear’?
Help! You’re the only one I can turn to!
Love,
A desperate F
nice try but we came up with this “schtick” a whole two days befor you did… I think we all know that Ann could take this old man any day she chose.