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Editorials

5 TIPS FOR OZZY TO RECORD A GOOD ALBUM AGAIN

 Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 12:19pm by

So Ozzy is apparently gonna make another record… and it seems like just yesterday that I listened to Black Rain once and decided I never needed to listen to it again. Since the Oz Man hasn’t really recorded anything worth anyone’s time since 1991′s No More Tears, I thought I’d offer my expertise (read: complete fucking arrogance) and make some suggestions to ensure that this new album doesn’t make me long for the day when I read the headline that Jack Osbourne finally offed his entire family.

  1. FIRE ZAKK WYLDE. I’ve made this suggestion before, and I know it’s a controversial one; Zakk is, undeniably, the best guitar player Ozzy has worked with since Randy Rhodes’ untimely passing. And at his best, Zakk is a brilliant, brilliant guitar player. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, Zakk seems to have decided that he needs to release every semi-coherent riff that pops into his beer-soaked brain. If Zakk can’t or isn’t willing to work his ass off like he was 19 again, step up to the plate, and knock one out of the park, it’s time to explore other options. Ozzy could comb the known world looking for the next Zakk Wylde – lest we forget, Zakk was just some unknown teenager when Ozzy originally discovered him – or, if that’s too risky, I’m sure there’s only about 18 trillion famous axe masters (How about Jerry Cantrell? Pepper Keenan? Ozzy’s already got one former member of Faith No More in his ranks – maybe he can steal Jim Martin away from his pumpkin farm? I know Ozzy almost hired Buckethead a few years back) who would be willing to give the job their best shot.
  2. DON’T BE AFRAID TO USE A VARIETY OF GUEST SONGWRITERS… Following the line of reasoning above, every metal musician in the world owes a debt to Ozzy. It may sound cheesy, but why not call in the favors and do something Santana-style? If you can find ten awesome dudes to each write you one awesome song, you’re all set.
  3. …BUT DON’T JUST FOLLOW TRENDS. Those guest songwriters should not include any members of The Offspring, thank you very much. Write a good album, and the fans will come along for the ride – I guarantee it. No need to chase rock radio trends.
  4. FIND THE RIGHT PRODUCER. I know that seems fairly obvious, but it didn’t stop Ozzy from hiring Tim Palmer and Kevin Churko. Here’s a hint, Oz: if your producer’s most famous credit up ’til now is doing programming for Britney Spears or editing for Celine Dion, you’re just chasing trends and wasting time. There are literally dozens of good producers out there who know how to make an album with an edge, and surely, you can’t have any shortage of cash – for the love of Satan, just hire someone with some metal cred to steer your ship for you.
  5. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, JUST RETIRE ALREADY. The best way to make sure you don’t tarnish your legacy any further? Just tell Sharon you’re done and call it day. Trust me, most of us will be grateful.

-AR

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  • Sammy

    I really can’t argue with any of your (arrogant) suggestions.

    As for Zakk Wylde, I’ve been saying for years that he should follow the philosophy of quality over quantity. Not that I wouldn’t love to hang with the guy for a weekend. Hell, he lets radio station winners party on his bus and play his guitars, so he can’t be all bad. But damn, a little quality control Zakk.

  • phatman

    yeah wtf zakk said he was gonna get ozzy to get rid of all the outside writers and hangers on and sit down and write a kick ass record with ozz and the turd that was shat out was the disgrace black rain…i guess sharon had her tone deaf retard claws in there too…he should’ve just had that cannibal bbq with paul booth…

  • http://verbeat.org/blogs/bereteando tiagón

    nice suggestions, Axl. though I’m not sure that Sharon will read them for Ozzy at bedtime.

  • phatman

    and the idea of pepper on guitar is fucking brilliant though not the shredder zakk is,the guys totally solid with both riffs and leads not to mention songwriting(vote with a bullet anyone???)

  • pdl

    Devin Townsend would produce the ass out of Ozzy

  • Brett

    Didn’t Dave Grohl write a song for Down TO Earth? I just remember Zakk being PISSED having to play a song written by the guy from the Foo Fighters.

  • http://noyokono.blogspot.com noyokono

    How exactly does The Offspring count as trendy? These guys haven’t had a single worth mentioning in years!

    As for dream Ozzy collabs, I hereby nominate King Buzzo.

    Ozzy fronting the Melvins would be better than a thousand Black Sabbath reunions.

  • http://www.roxwel.com Pick-Axe Bobby

    Brett, I believe so. And Zakk would be an IDIOT to be pissed about playing one of Dave’s songs. Dave did it right a dozen times on the Probot album.

  • jesse

    I agree, Sammy. Zakk has dealt out some of the best shit Ozzy’s ever been associated with. But it just seems like he doesn’t wait to stumble over that one great riff anymore when he’s writing. He just plays whatever pops into his head so he can get the writing process over with.

    I’ve been impressed with Zakk Wylde’s playing to say the least. But it’s just getting a bit stale. Especially since Black Rain came out. Black Rain to me seems like BLS with Ozzy on the mic.

  • TedTedPoleyPoley

    when asked for comments, Zakk Wylde responded w/ nothing but random “squeals” every other note

  • Andres

    I know this is a half-serious/half-joke post, but this is actually good, solid advice, its not arrogant at all.

    With all the connections between Metal Injection, Metalsucks, and whoever else you’re partnered with, I’m sure SOMEONE could get this list into Ozzy’s hands. Seriously though, someone should try to get this advice to someone who could make a difference.

  • http://www.bitpom.com Rev

    Tip #6 – Re-record the best 12 Ozzy songs but backwards!!!

  • Sammy

    Speaking of backmasking songs, I was listening to Slayer backwards yesterday and all the songs were Christian praise songs.

  • http://www.roxwel.com Pick-Axe Bobby

    LOL hard @ TedTedPoleyPoley

  • Joe A.

    The five points given are pretty right on.

    The problem though is the new Black Sabbath album was being dragged at as hell with every imaginable excuse being thrown out about it. Finally now, Tony and Geezer figured to say fuck it and picked someone (i.e. the holy DIO) who was in Sabbath, was good and can actually still perform like its the early 80′s still. Even then they wated to see if Ozzy wanted to get back on, but for good reasons they’re now going to record the album with Dio. It’s sad, but I think Ozzy is done.

  • David

    Dave Grohl wrote what would become “Sweet Dreams” on the Probot album for Ozzy, but it was rejected.

  • David

    Sorry, for posting again, but here’s the info if anyone is interested:

    In 2001 former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl had penned two songs called “Sweet Dreams” and “My Tortured Soul” for the new Ozzy Osbourne album but they were both rejected. This became the birth of the Probot project with which Grohl wanted to pay tribute to the elite of 80s metal. The album was to feature a row of vocalists from the bands Grohl had grown up with such as King Diamond, Celtic Frost frontman Thomas G. Fischer and Cathedral’s Lee Dorrian with each singer guesting on a specific song. Unleashed frontman Johnny Hedlund was excluded due to “questionable politics”. The album sold 27,000 copies in its first week of US sales and landed at #68 on the Billboard chart.

  • elvin

    I fuckin quote what Axl said. Well said everything.

  • bob fossil

    Just RETIRE THE FUCKER! Sharon pretty much destroyed all his credibilty! Ozzy is the old yeller of metal, take him out the back and shoot him. He’ll thank you for it! Shoot cornell too-He’s dead to us!

  • Andres

    Even Metallica thought Ozzy was old news when they were recording Kill ‘Em All.

    This ancient mummified walking corpse should be stuck at home babysitting his children’s children by now.

  • http://www.hibernum.net hibernum

    Here’s the thing about #2: Lemmy wrote a bunch of great songs for Ozzy, including Momma I’m Coming Home. It is actually a brilliant idea, especially combined with #1, but it wouldn’t even be anything new for Ozzy. Get Lemmy, Danzig (before you shoot me he wrote songs for Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison), maybe have King Diamond pen a song or two. Man, that would be the best. Get some real all stars to play on it. Crap, just spend a few hours on youtube and you’ll find some kids who are real talented and real hungry. Unleash them in the studio with Ozzy, some good songs, and a real producer. It is too easy Axl, just too easy…

  • http:ju4nm4.blogspot.com JU4NM4

    The last Ozzy record rocks!! Zakk Wylde its probably the best thats happens in Ozzy´s life. Screw you “Metal Critics”

  • http://sithomeandrot.com/celebs/ manny

    Zakk has become a joke. He basically just tosses in senselss artificial harmonics at every possible opportunity and thinks that is all he needs to make ‘good metal’

    I still think Jake E. Lee is a better guitarist and still the #2 best Ozzy ever had.

    Ozzy should steal Broderick from Megadeth. He could handle all of Randy’s solos and maybe some 7-string virtuosity is what Ozzy really needs. Get back to the old Sabbath doom sound.

  • Revrant

    Guh, rather be shot than listen to another fucking Dio Sabbath album, guy sounds like his balls are in a vice grip.

    Though your suggestions are atypically arrogant, I do see some light in replacing Zakk, he’s truly a stellar guitarist, but he was pretty lazy on Black Rain(which I enjoyed), someone like Buckethead would be…interesting?

  • Joe A.

    For a guy who complains about death metal/black metal it’s funny then that he hates a metal legend who can actually sing rings around most people.

  • Revrant

    If you mean me, I just can’t stand his voice, it has nothing to do with his talent, he literally sounds like a chick to me.

  • Large Jockstrap MK VIII

    rhoads… please. not rhodes

    and jake e lee is way more adventurous, and awesome then zakk. or zakk now anyway

    at the ozzy concert in march, zakk didnt do much apart from play his guitar and nod his head. literally. all the classic solos turned into a ball of dick

    maybe he thought hed blame his guitar tho, and at the end of the concert threw that flying V meets sg into the crowd.

    but spot on axl. ur list is tru

  • Max

    Put together an all-star album ala roadrunner united with Ozzy singing all ala the Carlos Santana suggestion. Could be entire bands doing a song with him or groups of guys getting together for a fun 1-off project that would have some enthusiasm. Didn’t Iommi have a ton of guests on his solo album? It works for hip hops. Guest the shit out of it and then hire an unknown to go out on tour who has no choice but to play everybody’s shit.

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  • Malcom Roach

    Zakk isn’t the blame for Black Rain, that was Oz and his shit ball producers. I can’t tell you how many interviews i’ve read where Zakk just keeps saying “Hey I took this one song to Ozzy and he didn’t like it, so I used it for BLS.” Songs like “Bleed for me” “Lost Heaven” and so on are awesome tracks and Ozzy really botched that. I think the thing is, is Ozzy is just spinning his tires, and trying to place blame on Zakk. I think he owes a lot to Zakk, and needs to let the guy write a great record for him and stop letting all these producers that don’t know shit about the man or his music into the creative process. John 5 is pretty good not taking anything away from him but he isn’t really a guy to hang in a band for a while, more of a gun for hire. Not that Zakk hasn’t become that for Ozzy the past 15 years, but if you want a record as good or better than No More Tears then you need the guys that wrote that album. Can’t re-write Master of Puppetts without Cliff and James can you? Just my opinion…Oh yeah i was very disappointed with BLS’ Skullage. Hopefully Barbranne will get off Zakk’s ass and realize what he does grants her, her living style. S.D.M.F.