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...And Fuck You Too

50 THINGS WE ARE NOT LIKELY TO EVER SEE OR HEAR IN THE METAL WORLD

 Friday, August 1st, 2008 at 12:34pm by
  1. A power ballad by Slayer.
  2. A Jew in a Stryper shirt.
  3. A Zakk Wylde performance with no guitar squeals.
  4. An Atreyu song with no auto-tune.
  5. Scott Weiland at the age of 50.
  6. Dave Mustaine share his weed.
  7. Dangerous Toys on the cover of Decibel.
  8. A Deicide album with clean vocals.
  9. A pro-choice rally headlined by Demon Hunter.
  10. A calm, quiet, and introspective interview with C.C. DeVille.
  11. An interview with Sebastian Bach where no one asks him if there’ll ever be a Skid Row reunion.
  12. An interview with Sebastian Bach where he doesn’t name-drop Axl Rose.
  13. An story on MetalSucks about Sebastian Bach that isn’t followed by hundreds of comments from Karen James.
  14. Scott Ian say “no” to an offer to be on tv, have his picture taken, or in any way remind people of his existence.
  15. A guest spot by Fred Durst on a Boris album.
  16. A guest spot by Rob Zombie on a Bullet for My Valentine album.
  17. A guest spot by Glen Danzig on a North Side Kings album.
  18. George W. Bush at a Gojira concert.
  19. Tipper Gore at a Twisted Sister concert.
  20. Joe Lieberman at a Marilyn Manson concert.
  21. Phil Anselmo at an NAACP fund raiser.
  22. Josh Homme at a GLAAD fund raiser.
  23. Varg Vikernes at a church social.
  24. A MetalSucks article praising Hellyeah.
  25. A Velvet Revolver fan whose favorite member of the band is Dave Kushner.
  26. Lars Ulrich reach his goal height of being six five four feet tall.
  27. A movie version of The Dirt that’s as good as the book.
  28. Ozzy run.
  29. Mick Mars run.
  30. Jason Suecof run.
  31. The Dillinger Escape Plan touring as direct support for Disturbed.
  32. A System of a Down lyric that makes any sense.
  33. Dope guitarist Virus in a shirt that doesn’t have his name on it.
  34. The chick from In This Moment perform in anything other than that blue dress.
  35. Courtney Love use spell-check.
  36. A long-lost diary entry where Kurt Cobain confesses his idolization of Axl Rose.
  37. Rock of Love with Marq Torien.
  38. A Dimmu Borgir biopic starring Nicolas Cage.
  39. Dino Cazares looking down to see his own penis.
  40. Otep making out with Rob Halford.
  41. Rita Haney making out with Phil Anselmo.
  42. A platinum Magrudergrind record.
  43. A gold Magrudergrind record.
  44. A silver Magrudergrind record.
  45. A copper Magrudergrind record.
  46. Chris Barnes on The View.
  47. A Broadway musical based on the songs of Suffocation.
  48. A Toby Wright-produced album by The Human Abstract.
  49. A Pulitzer Prize in journalism for Geri Miller.
  50. An actual, real live photo of Axl Rosenberg and/or Vince Neilstein.

-AR

  • Elync

    51. A revolutionary, ultra-progressive and original Christian metalcore band.

    • KristenR

      A Thousnad Times Repent.
      Thats where you wanna be!

      Awesome band.

  • bob fossil

    52. Limp Bizkit headlining Wacken.

  • beams19

    53. A “for real” final Kiss tour

  • John

    53. Bands actually giving a shit about what Metalsucks.net says about them.
    54. Dallas Coyle getting a life.
    55.God Forbid not breaking up due to shitty sales and noone giving a shit about them.

  • Elync

    56. Metalsucks.net NOT turning into just another Blabbermouth.

  • Sammy

    re: #50: scared pussies.

  • This Guy

    57. Chinese Democracy

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    58. Another good Metallica album

  • CarlosRamirez

    Scott Ian will show up to the opening of a Rite Aid if there’s a camera crew there.

  • Kye

    32. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    38. Cage did play Ghost Rider…and Dimmu basically all wear the same jacket….

  • Bruce Wayne

    59. Understanding anything Ozzy Osbourne ever says.

  • Bruce Wayne

    60. Randy Blythe not being a sloppy, drunken, idiot.

  • M. Meyer

    You are funny.

  • Elync

    61. Me ever receiving the album I won on Metalsucks’ “Completely Unreadable Band Logo of the Week” Ahem Ahem.

  • TheSpunkyLobster
  • bucketochicken

    62. Me not laughing at this.

  • The Metal Nerd

    Otep in Playboy. Otep in Hustler. Faith No More Re-unite, with Courtney Love. Glen Benton shake hands with Jim Baker, then convert to christianity. Kittie actually put out a decent record. Mercedes Lander in Playboy. Napalm Death record a pro bush album defnding the iraqi invation. GWAR tour sans costumes/stage show. Behdmoth go country. The girl from in this moment les-out with Candice from WoJ. Korn go Straight Edge, release greatest hxc album ever. A Biohazard album better than World Demise.

  • Elync

    63. Simone Simons not being uber hot.
    64. Cristina Scabbia not being hot.
    65. Sharon den Adel not being hot.
    66. Sarah Jezebel Deva not being fat-assed and ugly as hell.

  • j cantrell

    67. The band Distubed not recording another bad 80′s cover

  • Shiv

    67. Glen Benton having an intellectual and open-minded conversation with an interviewer
    68. The singer of The Showdown in a shirt with sleeves
    69. A Belphegor album without a song about sex
    70. The new Wintersun album actually getting released
    71. or Severed Savior’s new one, for that matter
    72. Devin Townsend ever having high self-esteem
    73. A female fronted band that you can actually take seriously
    74. BTBAM ever playing “The Man Land” live
    75. The Red Chord ever playing “Bread Pants” live
    76. A Plant Vochestra album
    77. Dethklok ever touring with good bands
    78. Cannibal Corpse going prog

  • Elync

    LAWL @ 68.

    79. Metallica and Megadeth joining forces and releasing albums as Megatallica.

  • http://www.jewsforjesus.org In all seriousness

    @Shiv #73

    Wicked Wisdom OWNS that shit, man…

    Fuckin’ Willenium. Goin’ to Miami and shit..

  • http://www.jewsforjesus.org In all seriousness

    Did I really write that?

  • Sara

    Lol @34…That chick has that dress in 4 fucking colors and just can’t seem to preform a show without looking like shes going to the prom.

  • jesse

    @79 Metallideth?

  • PD

    LOL. I totally agree with 68.

  • Elync

    @ jesse
    Mega should come first, because we all knew that Megadave is the greatest.

  • Gibbo

    In regards to No. 3:

    http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=q0N2WFwTbJg

    I know it’s live but whatever haha.

    Wait, why the fuc am I on Japanese youtube? O_o

  • http://www.nonelouder.com jasonfromNONELOUDER

    re: #50 – what, you think that’s not our Ace in the Hole??

  • Tyler

    Neilstein is a funny name! haha

  • Revrant

    *31. The Dillinger Escape Plan making music that doesn’t sound like chopped up pancreas.

  • -gODGRINDER-

    #29

    Ouch.

    Harsh, but fair.

  • enemyofgod72

    Metallica recording the Unforgiven III – OH shit they just did that
    MTVs Headbanger’s Ball actually playing something worth hearing/seeing
    Glenn Benton becomes a televangelist
    Brittany Spears making her comeback with Cookie Monster vocals(though it may be cool)
    Dani Filth blowing Bam Magera — I may have spoke too soon on this one
    Slayer new album — Raining ABBA
    In League With Satan: The Broadway Musical
    Lamb of God go christian – release “Walk With Me and Jesus”
    Black metal bands stop wearing corpse paint
    and finally …
    Lars Ulrich turns down $5 from his own child for an autograph –File under will never happen!

  • http://myspace.com/errol_d Errol

    LMFAO this owns 50 Ways To Annoy A Metalhead

  • bob fossil

    90.Kirk Hammett finally growing a pair and Telling James and Lars to go fuck themselves.

  • Pingback: BUZZGRINDER » Morning Buzz: H20, Panic at the Disco, Mayhem Festival

  • FleischBerg

    91. a SUCCESFULL Limp Bizkit comeback

  • http://www.redtube.com dvmetallica

    92. Slash stops drinking vodka
    93. Dimebag Darrell, Freddy Mercury and Kieth Moon start a new supergroup trio RIP

  • Dean

    Metallica ever producing a half decent album again…oh and how about something WE MIGHT SEE..TRIVIUM IN A GANGBANG WITH METALLICA…..BAREBACK!!!!

  • Duck Bills

    Re: 73. Ludicra, DUH.

    Also,
    “enemyofgod72 Says:
    “Black metal bands stop wearing corpse paint”

    Where in the hell have you been for the last fifteen years?

  • Gabexmosh

    Re: Shiv

    The fact that #74 is true makes me sad as hell.

  • Erin Carter

    Elync Says:

    August 1st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
    61. Me ever receiving the album I won on Metalsucks’ “Completely Unreadable Band Logo of the Week” Ahem Ahem.

    Ha Ha, i had to laugh at this because I agree…Ahem Ahem. Won one months ago and never got mine either.

  • http://sithomeandrot.com/celebs/ manny

    94. …grammar check or proofreading being employed on ‘top’ lists.

  • hornet09

    dude that one on Suecof was funny an d harsh at the same time. AWESOME

  • Joe

    Didn’t ozzy run like 6 miles in an episode of the osbournes.

    Not that I’m saying I watched it.

    *awkward silence

  • Brandon

    Heaven and Hell on Ozzfest…

  • Dick Thunder

    Headbangers ball actually playing extreme metal and not shitty metalcore/screamo.

  • Anthony

    95 (or whatever fucking number we’re on). A tour featuring Down and Heaven and Hell.
    96. Another Rammstein tour in North America.
    97. Brian “Head” Welch speak publicly about anything other than playing in and/or leaving Korn.

  • Anthony

    95. should say HellYeah, not Heaven and Hell.

  • Large Jockstrap Mark V?

    mick mick mars did run, sometimes