«
»
Editorials

HEY, HERE’S A TOUR WE’LL BE SKIPPING

 Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 4:33pm by

Are Five Finger Death Punch really big enough to headline already? I can’t believe that At All Cost are at death’s door, but people are buying FFDP albums like their lives depended on it. I mean, just look at that photo. If that’s the not the very definition of “recockulous,” I don’t know what is.

In any case, this band, which someone more clever than me once referred to as “nu-metalcore,” will do their first headlining run starting next month, with In This Moment (Who wants to bet the singer wears a blue dress for these shows?), Bury Your Dead (breakdown breakdown breakdown), and Another Black Day acting as support. I don’t know Another Black Day, but otherwise that pretty much sounds about as appealing as being set on fire, getting that fire put out by letting Maria Brink piss on me, then getting set on fire again, and finally being dropped in the ocean and drowning.

I’m saying I think I’m gonna skip this one.

I’d post tour dates for those of you that are actually interested in attending this show, but there’s lots of better of things I can do with my fingers, like seeing how many of them I actually shove up my ass at once.

No word yet on whether or not tickets will come with free migraine medicine.

-AR

Tags: , , , , ,
  • http://noyokono.blogspot.com noyokono

    Wocka Wocka!

  • hater

    When did Shifty shellshock and Munky start a band?

  • Revrant

    Christ, thought that was Crazy Town for a minute, scared me.

  • tim

    five finger meth lunch

  • Dave

    douchebaggery

  • http://www.pro-jikts.com Nickmeister

    @Revrant: Holy shit, man! Totally there with you! I thought it was Crazy Town’s new look!

    I have heard these guys, but they look like they’ll produce nothing worth having a jerk over.

  • Alex Haskett

    haha

    when i heard this god aweful band had a “big announcement” i knew it would be something laughable and gosh darn it. im right.

    what an aweful band who also come across as complete cocks in the interviews ive seen

  • Mark

    fore finger skin punch

  • http://iam.bmezine.com/?Phro Phro

    These guys are getting a ton of support from KBPI (Denver “metal” station), so it’s no surprise to see them having the ability to headline a tour.

    It’s also no surprise that I only listen to the radio when I forget my mp3 player and boredom is worse than radio shit.

    So…not often.

  • Sammy

    I thought you would like the beard.

  • bear

    “…being set on fire, getting that fire put out by letting Maria Brink piss on me, then getting set on fire again, and finally being dropped in the ocean and drowning.”

    i think i could get down with that… particularly, with maria brink

  • http://metalinjection.net RobInjection

    Fun Fact: The singer/guitarist of IntrOnaut was telling me he used to be in a band with the bassist of this band. Small world!

  • SK

    Five Flamin Jack Offs..
    this is like walmart metal

  • mike

    On a side note, their album has sold over 160,000 copies to date, and achieved a new high on the Billboard chart this week, moving up to #118…so yes, they are big enough to headline.

  • Mikey.

    This is a terrible band..

    im so glad im NOT going to go see the.

  • pacomon

    This is hilarious! All the “metal fans” on blabbermouth.net are saying how amazing 5 donkey dicks are. Then I come here and read this article…THANK YOU SOMEONE OUT THERE HATES THESE GUYS AS WELL!!!

  • -gODGRINDER-

    Eh. These guys are one of my “guilty pleasure” bands that I listen to when I don’t want to put a lot of effort into the proceedings.

    For my money, there’s no denying that “The Bleeding” is a fucking catchy song, even if it is melodically and lyrically sophomoric.

    Sorry. I can’t jump on the “I hate them because it’s cool to hate them” bandwagon. This tour kicks off in my hometown and I will probably attend one of the two shows.

    Suck it, Trebek!

  • -gODGRINDER-

    Oh, man am I tired.

    I just re-read that last post.

    “For my money….”

    I sound like one of the Bobs on Office Space. lol.

  • Mike Malice

    My band had the misfortune of opening for FFDP and Drowning Pool at a show in Hartford, CT.

    The FFDP fans are people who most likely LOVE Limp Bizkit’s second CD. When I hear one of their songs on the radio I wish I was born deaf.

    Here’s another band we just opened for who everybody loves that sounds like somebody taking a dump into a fan…Parkway Drive.

  • The Mighty Fucking Quinn

    I love how this dude stopped doing Motograter and took this shit up instead.I’ve heard The Bleeding and two other songs.This band are awful.Just awful.I can’t allow myself to kinda get into the “catchy”ness of it just because of how bad it is and the fact that this is the worst fucking band name I have ever heard in my life.It shocks me that they have moved 160,000 units, as i would expect In This Moment to headline this run.

    And for the record, Maria Brink is fun to watch.Try not to talk down about a chick vocalist who, live, just screams into the mic with no attempt to preserve her voice and sounds like shit by the second song.Oh, and the fact that she pours entire bottles of water on her tits and the while headbanging, has to hold her arm across her chest like she has Bells Palsy to make sure that her supple bosoms don’t pop into the mouths of every dude on the barricade.I’m all for chicks in metal, but don’t objectify yourself by wearing the same stupid dress, making your tits reflective for everyone in the venue to see and then act like it’s terrible that they’re looking at your chest.For Christ’s sake, your son is on the verge of puberty, and you drag him on tour with you.That’s not gonna be akward.

  • http://countshockula.blogspot.com ezra

    The Posing!

  • http://countshockula.blogspot.com ezra

    And another thing, a “one finger death punch” would be impressive, in a kung-fu sorta way. Like Bruce Lee’s “one inch punch” But isn’t a “Five finger” punch kinda standard?

  • Cisco

    Isn’t the five finger death punch from ‘Kill Bill’? Anyways, never heard of these guys, but by looking at that photo up there I would never want to… and no, I’ve never heard them on the radio because I don’t listen to the radio.

  • RayRay

    I bought the Motograter cd when it came out and followed them very closely. This shitty shitty band 5 finger death garbage are just bad. I swear at the Mayhem fest they talked more than they played. The lead singer yelled into the microphone about how much dick they sucked and how heavy they were. BLAH BLAH. This band is a Godsmack, Sevendust hybrid. BORING. The fact that 160,000 idiots bought this cd is mind boggling.

  • d2

    I can’t get past a band that has name as horrificly gat as ‘Five Finger Death Punch” It’s like something straight out of WWE. Nothing let’s people know in advance that you’re “hard” like that name. Look out world, here come the bad asses. last time I checked, Darrell Roberts was in the G A Y fucking 80′s band Tuff. I’ll repeat that, TUFF!!!! What’s less metal than that? Oh wait, I suppose being hired on as the 35th replacement guitarist in Blackie Lawless’ W.A.S.P. makes him metal? Nope, sorry, you’re the guitar player from Tuff, buddy!! Do the math, Tuff Five Finger Death Punch = GAY! People who are into this band are redneck choads who hide behind backwards baseball hats and kick dogs. SUCK IT!

  • http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-tJWxA488frLWAp.lbEXlvmQ7PUw0lw--?cq=1 Beams19

    Another Black Day is pretty damn good. I seen them at Wing Ding this year at Rockford, in which I proposed to my, then girlfriend (now fiance), during Black Stone Cherry’s set. As for the rest of those bands I have to quote Patton Oswalt, “gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys, with an extra dick left over to go in the ear!”

  • http://this Borgir

    They are coming to Europe with Lamb Of God so I was searching for soundscan data on these guys that’s how I ended up here… it seems like by now they actually sold over 270,000 copies so they are big enough to headline that’s for sure… but what’s with all the hate? I’m skeptical about ‘hate bandwagons’ * both Slipknot and Disturbed are HATED on big time – and I love those bands, Metallica’s black album was hated so bad it made no sense to me * that was a GREAT album! so I’m actually looking forward seeing them with L.O.G. if they piss off this many people and sell that many records there got to be something to this…