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What the fuck??

METAL DOUCHES

 Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 at 10:52am by

I know what you’re thinking: “When did MetalSucks become a gay porn site?” (“When they started endorsing Avenged Sevenfold!” Oh!) But the photo to your right actually comes from Metal Douches Metal Dudes, a website that describes itself thusly:

“Metal Dudes is the first REAL male metal modeling site! This Site is more than looks, this site advertises guys that can show off their cutting edge and ‘in-your-face’ personalities in an amazing photograph.”

Well. Clearly, this site is filling some hole in the metal community that desperately needed to be filled (“Heh-heh. He said ‘fill the hole.’”). I mean, who saw Pete Steel in Playguy all those years ago and DIDN’T think “Gosh, I wish that was me?”

After the jump, check out more pics of these incredible doods. First person to leave a non-homophobic comment that actually makes me laugh wins a prize from the MetalSucks Mansion Vault.

-AR

[Thanks to MetalSucks Maniac morrizz for the tip.]

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  • B

    I’d prefer to see an animated gif of the lendary circle-marching “moshpit fatty.”

  • Joe

    Lol, the last picture looks straight up like a myspace pose. Real metal fans don’t use iphones, they have change to use the payphones.

  • Walker

    Is it homophopic to think of the tattoo artist with the wings above the cock guy and how amusing that would look from a certain angle with the buzzing noise as well.

  • Majestic Ice Unicorn

    Finally, a “REAL” male metal modeling site. I’ve been sifting through these loads of other faux-male metal modeling sites, always ending up feeling unsatisfied.

  • tmack

    I count the days when the male metal modeling industry splits up into various subgenres to better meet the needs of the diverse male metal modeling clients. Progmetal models could be photographed in front unexplainable obscure backgrounds, death metal modelers could model with the latest in blood replacement products, black metalers could advertise for estee lauder’s new line of organic corpse paint, and melodic metal modelers could be made fun of for selling out.

  • Monster Island

    Where’s John Basedow.

  • Terd Hater

    whats with the “lets not eat for weeks im dying look” ? tell these terds to pack on some pounds before getting in front of camera. I mean honestly theres nothing less metal than a 100 pound shirtless male with long hair and girlpants.

  • http://www.fantasyh.wordpress.com fantasyh

    I wonder if that last guy has a Twisted Sister ringtone on that iPhone?

  • http://www.myspace.com/jay234t Jason

    None of these guys look very metal. They just kind look like emo kids with a bunch of tattoos.

  • John

    Where’s Meatloaf?

  • pacomon

    just cut your wrists and DIE already!

  • http://www.roxwel.com Pick-Axe Bobby

    These dudes would get squashed anywhere near a pit. They probably do have pointy elbows, though.

  • Danny

    The first two are emo.**hairspray should not return to metal** The last dude looks he should be posing in a trailer park.

  • Sara

    Man those guys are fucking hideous, bring on the skinny metalheads with the long ass hair!

  • Shawn

    i enjoy the nipples.

  • Sablis

    Hahaha the anorectic emo in the first pic has his ribs poking out so much they vaguely resemble muscles.

    I guess all it takes to be a metalhead now a days is a bad hairdo, and facial expressions telling you how much you store in your anal cavities.

    Fuck, there goes the contest. Which was impossible to begin with.

  • amy

    NONE of these cumstains is Metal in the least. NOT ONE BIT.

  • Julian

    At least they’re doing something important… you know… like helping metal kids show cool ways to wear their hair and such… male modeling helps people.

  • Sammy

    Sorry, I blew my wad yesterday with the Youtube shredder video post. Speaking of wad…and blowing…never mind.

  • vitruvianApe

    are they metal male models or the other members of buckcherry that we never see?

  • Malacoda

    They all look like members of Bullet for my Valentine.

  • Anders

    I wonder what he is doing when he’s “up all night”? (wink wink)

  • Muttweiler

    Nothing says metal like the gas face on Rainbow Bright there in pic #4.

  • Blackthorned

    I wish I had a tattoo.

  • Chris

    Modeling and metal go together like unicorns and skullets.

  • bob fossil

    i call this look The Pantera’-i use it for hop topic catalogues and avenged sevenfold videos(ballads particularly).

  • http://hotmail j-rock

    may as well be a jc penny logo at the bottom right hand corner of these pics.
    Furtherfuckingmore, douchebags like these have really took all the fun out of having ink.

  • http://www.myspace.com/kristinahaswings Princess

    metal dude modeling = oxymoron

    more maria brink pls.

  • http://www.myspace.com/riffcompelsme riffcompelsme

    I see the first contestants for the new Kiss have been chosen.

  • myke

    no words can express how extremely gay this is

  • Revrant

    The homophobia amuses me, keep it up commentators.

    Avenged Sevenfold go for a “rapper” look, this is…I dunno, Papa Roach, nowadays.

    Needless to say I’d never choose to look like any of these douches, regardless of how I like keeping my hair long and wavy.

  • Alex the Kilted Lobster

    Awesome, Teen Wolf got himself some tattoos.

  • The Metal Nerd

    I couldnt care lesser so im just going to waste space and time by posting Locust lyrics. SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO AT THE TIME, BUT DR. QUACKENFISH IS IN THE DRIVERS SEAT NOW. ASTHETICLY PLEASED TO THE POINT OF AMBIVILANCE. CANADIAN BACON-Y SELF-FUFILLING PROPHCEY, TAKE THE TIME TO DROWN IN YOUR OWN SPIT. YES, WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

  • Tyler

    this is gay……need i say more?

  • Jenna

    Models for Akercocke & Fitch perhaps?

  • o0Stacey0o

    I wonder if their Stage Mom’s are behind these precious photos?

  • http://www.nobudgettv.com C.J. the D.J.

    These guys aren’t metal! I seen all 4 of them outside the Ellen Degeneres show!

  • http://metalarcade.xpt.net Metal Lives

    So….They are the precurser to Metallica’s next big sellout?

  • muhammed

    who’s behind this? rob halford?

  • Alex

    As a female I’d have to say all the blokes on that page are bloody unattractive.

  • Sofa King

    “FOR FANS OF NORMA JEAN AND UNDEROATH”

  • The Metal Nerd

    …And now, your four finalists for The Biggest Douche Of 2008 are!

  • Revrant

    The Metal Dweeb “Me, myself, I, and Ben Weinman, maybe we’ll all win!”

    :)

  • earthsherm

    it’s crazy how 3/4 of these guys moms have their shirts in the wash,

  • Bushwick Bill

    False.

  • PD

    At least 1 of these 4 would be overheard saying
    “Bro, you heard the new BMTH album? It’s so br00tal.”
    This website = EPIC FAIL.

  • Fab

    Quote a phrase from Metalocalypse Season 1 episode “Bluesklok”:

    “Oh my God it’s so depressing!!!”

  • Tim

    I’m gonna start my own male metal modeling site featuring Billy Milano and all of the dudes from Full Blown Chaos.

  • Jenn

    since when is metal resembled by emos?

  • http://na.com xFUCKYOUx

    Uh, you all are just fucking hating on them.
    First off – no one in these pictures even resembles that they used hairspray.
    Secondly – Wtf does a trailer park have to do with the way the last guy looks?
    And please, elaborate on how someone looks Emo?
    It’s about the fucking music and none of you know anything about any of these guys.
    Get a fucking life and stop making fun of people who didn’t do anything to you.
    Fucking assholes.

  • hahaha666

    these are people that think suicide silence are good instead of cannibal corpse..

    just saying.

  • xxxtobadshitheadsxxx

    THIS IS THE NEW AGE OF METAL

    FUCK ALL YOU DOUCHEBAGS

    KEEP YOUR SHIT TALKING GOING CAUSE THERE WONT BE ANYTHING TO STOP IT

    SO TO BAD

    DEAL WITH IT

    OR BREAK NECK

    >:D

  • dfsdf

    i agree that this shit i extremely gay…BUT you guys are all major losers saying that liking metal has to be associated with a certain “look”….not everyone who likes metal looks like a fat mexican with long ratty hair resembling a jerry curl. sorry.

  • http://www.myspace.com/klarisechristinerichards klarise

    who cares what people choose do to with their free time, and lifestyles, maybe you should second think how you feel about yourself before you pick other people apart. here’s a quote that i think makes a lot of since for this situation.

    “At eighty, I think what I shall regret are things I always wanted to do and never did; The experiences I denied myself because I was too concerned about others opinions or to anxious for their aproval: But I think I would regret most a life wasted living as a person who was not me….. ” -Doug malloy-

    these ‘metal dudes’ obviously think like that. and when has that ever been a bad thing?

    i don’t see you talk shit about the ladies of metal, or shit like that, why do you gotta pick apart the males for?

  • slutty bitch dick

    wow, you’re pathetic.
    get a life dweeb.

  • keans

    HAHA YOU ALL MAKE ME LAUGH

    HAHAHAHA YOUR ALL IDIOTS

  • Cara

    Some of those guys are my friends. I actually dated one of them. The owner is actually a really awesome guy! It is so sad how shallow and naive you are. Lets face it, you are FAR from perfect, so who are you to judge?

  • mykeandtyler

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  • http://sondakikahaberlerim.blogspot.com/ Brittani Brosseau

    As always, great design list, loved these comment designs!