«
»
Editorials

FUN WITH METALLICA HAIKU

 Thursday, August 28th, 2008 at 11:21am by

Yesterday we received a bizarre press release about a Fuse TV-related blog called “Sami’s Rock It Out Blog” in which the blog’s namesake took a few stabs at metal-related haiku. I fell for the Metallica reference in the email, and when I clicked through was greeted with this completely bland effort:

Metallica has
released new song on the web
Name “My Apocalypse”

BO-RRRRING (not to mention the wrong number of syllables in the last line). How about we have some fun with this? Here’s my attempt:

Armani Shopping
Expensive clothing indeed
Metal, not so much

James, Lars, Rob and Kirk
New Metallica Album
They Should Just Stick To Touring

Saint Anger’s Snare Drum
Sounded Like a Piece of Shit
It still isn’t fixed

Pipe in with your own! Ist fun!

-VN

Tags: ,
  • hegster

    it’s all been downhill
    since the debut “Kill Em All”
    metallica sucks

  • SickSixSeth

    Nice Fucking Sandles
    Looking like a big pussy
    He wrote Battery?

  • John

    Metalsucks.net
    Tries to be like Blabbermouth
    But instead it blows

    Axl is a fag
    He knows nothing about music
    He does what hes told

    Metallica is
    so much better than you Vince
    So fuck Yourself hard

  • jaime

    john, it must have been hard to type all that with james and lars penises in both your hands…

  • http://www.myspace.com/grownfromthecold The Wolf Is Loose

    James, dude, what the fuck?
    What happened to your sideburns?
    Please expand your sound.

  • Bryan

    2nd Haiku is great, but the last line should just be “Just Stick To Touring”

  • Jim

    Stupid bus wreck killed
    The wrong bandmember, Hey Lars
    Switch places with me

  • Nate

    Hetfield is a dick
    Trujillo is a “that guy”
    In this funny pic.

    5/7/5 right? (tru-jill-o I think.)

  • dthrasher

    Plaid shorts and sandals
    Total bro transformation
    Is almost complete

    lars ulrich keeps time
    like he was getting paid to
    not keep time, dick face

  • Joe

    Who produced this shit?
    How is the guitar sound worse
    than on Saint Anger?

  • Dr J

    When Armani asked
    If he’s using cash or card
    He said Broken Dreams

  • Chris

    Give these guys a break
    The new songs are not half bad
    But Lars, you still SUCK

    A note to Mr. Lars:
    You do have toms on your kit
    Someone steal his snare

    New thrash metal songs
    Double bass nowhere in sight
    What a shitty drummer

    World’s biggest rock band
    Can’t get a decent drummer
    Lars is a disgrace

    • mike

      hey without lars there would be no metallica ass face

  • Ryan

    It’s over. Dr J wins.

  • Anon

    @Ryan.

    No no good sir, it was over at 12:48 p.m. on August 28th, 2008.

    “Stupid bus wreck killed
    The wrong bandmember, Hey Lars
    Switch places with me”

    Goddamn classic.

  • Sammy

    Frantic flip flops yeah!
    Kick snare kick snare trash can lid
    Ride what? Not lightning

  • blesttildeth

    dr j make laugh
    more than lars in bukkake
    super best buffet

  • Mr. Fuji

    New Metallica,
    Holy Fucking Shit, It Sucks
    Someone do Something

  • The Mighty Fucking Quinn

    Haikus are not cool
    Neither is Metallica
    Mustaine owns your soul

    Actually, that was kinda fun.But kudos to Dr. J.That made my day.

  • http://www,metalitalia.com morrizz

    Metalocalypse.

  • mm

    All hope of maybe
    the new Metallica disc
    Has again been crushed

  • http://www.coreymitchell.com Corey Mitchell

    Cliff Burton still spins
    In his grave, about this thing
    that really should not be

  • http://www.coreymitchell.com Corey Mitchell

    ^^^oops, 5-7-6 won’t cut it

  • http://www.coreymitchell.com Corey Mitchell

    For whom the bell tolls
    Dave Mustaine still marches on
    So does Testament

  • http://www.coreymitchell.com Corey Mitchell

    Death Magnetic blows
    How do I know? Rick Rubin
    Told MetalSucks so

  • Factor

    James rocks Armani
    You know it’s sad but tru-ue
    Rob looks at bitches

  • enemyofgod72

    James in Armani
    true Harvestor of Sorrow
    faggy haircut too

  • enemyofgod72

    James what has happened
    you were once metal brother
    Armani, Really?

  • Gabexmosh

    Worst part about St. Anger
    It gets stuck in your head bad
    Going FRAN-TICK-TICK-TICK-TOCK

  • Dallas

    Iann Robinson
    Has this same photo from here
    No credit to you

  • http://myspace.com/badkarma619 NiMRoD420

    Even kirk hammet
    Doesn’t shred like he used to
    They need to just stop

  • Pingback: Hilarious Metallica Haiku « enter the goatlady

  • emperorminge

    plaid shorts are not metal
    should let dave grohl write youre songs
    bad snare bad snare bad

  • http://www.horseracinginaustralia.com Mike K.

    Well now that’s the perfect album cover!

    And although it has been hard putting up with the last few albums. I will have to admit that the new one is pretty damn good. Especially on a good stereo system its perfect. And I actually paid cash for Death Magnetic, which will make Lars happy. But Lars you still and always will and always have right from the very first time I ever saw you open your mouth….sucked!!!

  • Jordan S.

    Mirror stares back hard
    “Kill” is such a friendly word
    Seems the only way