MUSIC TO CRASH YOUR CAR TO
No booze at a Motley fucking Crue show? Jesus fucking Christ. That must be like having sex with a condom made of nails.
I mean, no booze at a Motley Crue show is like no handjob at the Asian masseuse place. Why the fuck am I there, then?
I was at a Motley Crue show sober once. It made me stop drinking. ‘Cause if there are any circumstances under which I would have condoned Tommy Lee’s behavior or torturing that poor old dude who plays guitar for them… well, let’s just say I don’t ever wanna be that out of control again.
And it’s not like there’s any other bands on the bill you can enjoy while sober. I don’t think there’s any circumstances under which I could enjoy Papa Roach or Crapt. Maybe if, like, their sound was turned off, and they didn’t know it so they were jumpin’ around like monkeys anyway, and the PA system was blasting old Spike Jones shit instead. That could be cool.
And Buckcherry? Vince keeps telling me this band is great, but I can’t get into any songs save for two. And those are the singles. There, I said it: I think Buckcherry have a couple of good singles and that’s it. I mean, c’mon: these are the dudes who were fired from Velvet Revolver before they even got to make a record. Do you know what it takes to get fired from Velvet Refuckingvolver? You’d have to be as big an asshole as Scott Weiland, for crying out loud.
And the one song they did help write that VR actually used? Turns out it might’ve been stolen from someone else, and now the ex-Gunners have to share royalties on it with some other dude. And I’m not just talking about Dave Kushner.
And then there’s Sixx A.M. Because the only gig Nikki Sixx’s band can get is opening for Nikki Sixx. First on the bill. Before anyone has arrived yet.
So I expect there’ll be like 700% more tailgating at this show than at a usual Motley Crue show. That means that not everyone is getting home at the end of the night. So there you go: Motley Crue will now be responsible for yet another drunk driving accident.
Swell.
-AR
P.S. You look at the fine print on that graphic up there? It’s an ad for motherfucking Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Whomever came up with that ad should win every stupid award for ads known to man, and gain automatic veto power over all ads like this one:
