MetalSucks

Being a metal master isn’t easy; that skullet certainly doesn’t take care of itself. That’s why we decided to track down Ronnie James Dio* of Heaven and Hell to find out the secrets behind rocking metal’s most metal hair-do, the almighty skullet. Ronnie was kind enough to share his tips and tricks behind his luscious locks with other aspiring skulleteers for the benefit of metal and mankind.

1) A high pressure showerhead

Ladies and gentlemen, do not be victimized by flaccid water pressure! A wise man named Cosmo Kramer knows the real deal, that a good showerhead is key to achieving the hair vibrance you’re looking for and that a crappy one can really ruin your day. I recommend the “Large Ultimate” model at HighPressureShowerHeads.com. That motherfucker packs a wallop bigger than Bill Ward socking himself in the face during a drunken rager. Best of all it’s built with nearly a pound of chrome-plated solid brass. THAT is metal.

2) Amplify 4-step Volumizing System

Let’s face it; I’m no spring chicken. At this age, my hair needs a little extra oomph to be worthy of the horns. That’s why I use Amplify 4-Step Volumizing System. You might have to pay a visit to your local salon or hair establishment to get your hands on this fine hair product and it’s gonna cost you a little more than your garden variety Pantene, but when it comes to shampoo you really can’t skimp. The shampoo and conditioner are A-level products, but the key to the whole shebang is really the ThickLift Liquid Volumizer. This leave-in densifying treatment creates ultra thickness, volume and shine without the weigh-down. Essential!

3) A good blow dryer

A good blow dryer is a must unless you prefer your hair be flat and lifeless. The key here is balance; those dinky travel blow dryers won’t do it, but you don’t want to overpower your hair either or dry it to a crisp. Find a good blow dryer with adjustable settings, and always maintain a healthy distance from your dermis. “Dermis” is kind of a funny word, isn’t it? Say that out loud a few times and it starts to sound funny. Dermis. Dermis. Dermis. What the fuck is a dermis? ANYWAY, I like to use a hair brush with wide teeth, mainly as a guide. You need some poof, so don’t go overboard with the brushing. No irons allowed! Straight hair is not metal.

4) Beware the combover

Nothing’s worse than a bald man trying to cover his beautiful dome with a swept-over tuft of hair. If you’ve got it, flaunt it! Let’s see those shiny skullcaps!

5) Wax

Once I’m finished with my hair routine, I like to polish my top to give it that extra shiny zest; when thousands of megawatts worth of lights are pouring down upon my head, I want to make damn sure it looks good. We may be wasting energy and killing baby seals in the Alaskan pipeline, but shit, when that spotlight comes on I want the audience to go blind from the reflection. But here’s the thing: any product that bills itself as Head Wax is probably full of shit. That’s way I use car wax instead. After testing myriad products, I have determined that Turtle Wax ICE Liquid Polish is far and away the best product for head waxing in existence. I like to go with 2 or 3 coats; you don’t want it melting down into your face on those hot summer nights.

Skulleteers unite. There’s no shame in balding!

HORNS!

- Ronnie James Dio

*Not really.