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FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN AN ABORTED “EVIDENCE BAG” PRIZE PACKAGE

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 at 5:55pm by

The great MetalSucks Mansion purge of ’08 has commenced, and the people have spoken: you really, really, really want all of our extra shit even if you don’t know what it is. Anyhoo, five lucky winners each get an assload of CDs and random shit lying around here that we need to get rid of, so congratulations to you. Here are the winners to last week’s Funny Photo Caption Contest (right):

  • PD: “You guys seen my distortion pedal? This accordion’s going to sound horrible without it.”
  • Ambience23: “Vadim Pruzhanov’s Kvlt Mariachi band (pre-Dargonforce).”
  • Damotello: “Everybody loved it when Varg Vikernes did his Rolf Harris covers.”
  • Name Not Applicable: “Squeezebox Gutsfuck.”
  • Leprosy: “I was reincarnated to prove that people would rather listen to this technical, air-driven music than listen to death magnetic.”

This week we have an awesome prize: 2 grand prize winners will get Aborted ‘Evidence’ bags, containing an autographed copy of Strychnine.213, an autographed poster and an Aborted t-shirt! Aborted is currently on tour with the reunited Carcass (we all went this past Saturday in NYC, and holy shit, it was awesome), so take a look at the tour dates (posted after the jump) and hit that tour up when it comes to your city. Come up with a funny caption to the below photo and the Aborted prize pack is all yours!

[Thanks: Ryan D.]

Sep. 10 – Baltimore, MD – Sonar
Sep. 11 – Raleigh, NC – Volume 11 Tavern
Sep. 12 – Atlanta, GA – The Masquerade
Sep. 13 – Tampa, FL – Jannus Landing
Sep. 15 – Austin, TX – Emo’s
Sep. 18 – Los Angeles, CA – House of Blues
Sep. 19 – San Francisco, CA – The Grand Ballroom
Sep. 21 – Seattle, WA – El Corazon
Sep. 22 – Vancouver, BC – Commodore Ballroom

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  • Thrunq

    Sadly, it wasn’t until halfway through the Women’s Tennis Open that they realized the King Diamond concert was tomorrow night.

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    “If you do that bunny-ears thing, I swear to God I’ll show Julie that pic of you on the pink tea cup!”

  • Name Not Applicable

    “Sons of Northern Dorkness”

  • Atom

    “Wait a sec…this isn’t the Grim and Frostbitten Inverted Necrocoaster…this is just a fucking rollercoaster!”

  • Kye

    And thus the open auditions to play Robin in the follow up to The Dark Knight have begun.

  • Revrant

    And a new sub-genre of black metal was born, Coaster metal.

  • M. Meyer

    “Canadians for Abbath” demonstrate part of the U.S. presidential candidate’s “black ‘n’ roll” energy policy: the carbon-neutral “invisible orange,” shown here powering a Vancouver roller-coaster ride to top speeds of 45 mph.

  • Dr J

    Disney studios added an unsuspected attraction to their ‘Disney World’ park, in which they track Exodus’s career. However a week after it’s release, after seeing the crowd of sweating, smelly, and painted virgins, they unanimously decided to move it to the much less visited ‘Disney Land’.

  • David

    The MetalSucks crew goes for one last ride at Astroland.

  • harris

    Get these mutha fuckin’ fools off this mutha fuckin’ coaster!

  • iwrestledaferretonce

    Black metal Spider-Man, Black metal Spider-Man does whatever, ummm…………….Black Metal Spider-Men do

  • Eric

    Admission to theme park: $20.

    Black Face paint: $15

    Having your balls smashed into your body at 30 Gs just to recreate those King Diamond wails:

    Priceless.

  • Tyler

    man that first one from last week was FUNNY! good job for him/her!!!

  • Charles

    OH MY SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • RaZZo

    “Grandma -THE RIDE” proved to be the least popular new attraction at Six Flags this year….

  • Tobias Whately

    King Diamond concert roller coaster = win

  • ELIMELECH

    This is exactly what happens when one of the two people loses their focus during summoning rituals.

  • Sep

    “It’s gonna be a wild ride, they said”

  • Malacoda

    The two above narrowly lost the audition for the lead parts in “Superbad”.

  • tyoung865

    duuuude we were going so fast those bats splattered all over our eyes

  • http://www.conorschaefer.com/blog/ Conor

    Young Lord Crimson Goatfoam invokes the invisible tennis ball clasp to show the amusement park attendant who mans the ride that despite his close-minded, Christ-worshiping ways and accursed standard measuring system, Goatfoam and friend Frost Moon Denim Slaughter Poison did indeed make it onto the the ride. HAIL SATAN!

  • http://cultclassicmoviereview.blogspot.com You Don’t Know Me

    “You must be this kvlt to ride this ride…”

  • nrich

    Deep within the bottomless, Celtic pits of Scandinavia comes a venomous, skin-melting theme park ride of pure, unadulterated Norwegian mayhem! Forged from the tyrant king Anaal Nathrakh’s bloodthorns, horns from a severed Behemoth’s head, an impaled Leviathan’s scales and the towering Norway Spruce of the Northern Moonforest… Come! Prepare to encounter your mercyful fate of a toxic holocaust once told in the Burzum myths of the eternal stormlord Panzerchrist! Not the Meads of Asphodel will save you from the crimson moonlight nor the diabolical masquerade of his eternal majesty Zweizz! You will follow a trail of tears and arrive disemboweled at a dark funeral specially prepared for your rotting corpse at a bottom of a cradle of filth! Do you have the bestial warlust to ride the Hellhammer?! FALKENBACH!!

  • PD

    Take a note from this guy’s playbook Herman (Li), rollercoasters generate greater wind speeds than fans, thus adding greater dramatic effect.

  • http://www.myspace.com/bminekime enemyofgod72

    King Diamond & Gene Simmons starring in Hellride, the story of two young boys on their first day without their moms.
    I can’t believe Simmons isn’t charging Metalsucks to post this photo.

  • Fab

    Roller coaster ride ain’t br00tal enough previously.

  • Joe

    And to young Asmodeus’ horror, his non-inverted cross emblazoning his forehead was forever captured by a most accursed foe; amusement park photography.

  • http://refreshingapathy.com refreshingapathy

    NOOOOOOOOoooooo! WHERE’S MY ORB OF POWER?

  • http://www.coreymitchell.com Corey Mitchell

    Carpal Tunnel…The Ride.

  • Villanj1

    The subsequent scream bellowed by a then Prince Diamond led to his portly aide to suggest to him a calling in life.

  • Villanj1

    “Victory, my chubby friend! We have succeeded in looking grim in the face of extreme exhilaration. Now, if only we could attempt the ultimate challenge…Alas, despite effort, we can’t get laid.”

  • villanj1

    Dork in black t-shirt – “Ok, Steve look grim…Now!”

    Lunchbox in Denim – “Crap! I forgot to paint my forehead cross! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!”

  • vitruvianApe

    dude after this we gotta go ride “living in my parents basement” and that “get beat up at school” ride

  • http://www.nobudgettv.com C.J. the D.J.

    Not only should we blame Canada, but King Diamond and his band Mercyful Fate shall pointed and laughed at as well.

  • http://www.nonelouder.com Iann Robinson

    After the show both of them agreed the new part of the Gwar show was wicked cool

  • http://www.nonelouder.com Iann Robinson

    BETTER ONE:

    No matter how many faces they made seeing Gwar at Six Flags just wasn’t the same.

  • http://www.failsaferock.com bmwtech

    I never realized Gaahl was a chubby chaser!

  • mr lun

    “DOOOD, this ride is even more br00tal than the time you filmed me fingerblasting my anus while I sang along to the Blizzard Beasts Intro”

  • I should pick a name and stick with it

    I LOVE YOU AVRIL!!!!!

  • Muttweiler

    Dude, waiting in line for four days to be the first to ride Intestines On Fire is soooooo metal! I’m glad I brought my Axe spray we’re so gonna score!

  • Fuck that, you’re a rock star

    I think I lost my change on that last loop… AAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

  • Factor

    So, King Diamond doesn’t live at Kings Dominion? Oh well, want to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl?

    (Sorry, I think only DC/MD/VA people might get that one)

  • m4tt

    Coasters Ist Krieg!!!

  • The Mighty Fucking Quinn

    The replacements for Haim & Feldman in The Lost Boys II just couldn’t live up to the Corey’s Standard.

  • amy

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGYPT! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  • John

    “Time is never ever standing still, except on Never Ending Hill.
    From here you can see Devil Lake
    The velvet sunset is never too late”

  • Travis

    King Diamond Day at Disney World is the best!

  • Scream Bloody Gore

    Come on birds! shit on my face so i can finish my make-up.

  • Name Not Applicable

    “Crap, I dropped my invisible orange. Could I have a bite of yours?”

  • Rob

    Grand Opening of Six Flags Over Douche-burbia’s Bam Margera Hardcore Coaster Heartagram Experience.

  • Motoghost

    I’m confused, wasn’t King Diamond’s new CD called, Give Your Soul To My Rollercoaster?

  • Element Of One

    AHHHHHH!! I can’t BELIEVE you forgot to Invert that cross on your Forehead!!

    SILENCE, YOU FOOL!! I have thwarted man’s futile attempts to make me scream, thus I am STILL The Ultimate Warrior!!!

  • Eric

    Abbath and Horgh have decided that in order to promote their new Immortal album, they must spread word theme park to theme park by singing screeched singles from the record whilst groping imaginary orbs of power on a rollarcoaster straight to hell

  • http://n/a Eshaan Mehta

    Theres nothing more evil than praising Satan while riding a rollercoaster that leaves you looking like hell afterwards.

  • Butt eater

    Wanting to show how metal they were, the two boarded the ride only to find that they were not grim enough to brave ..the faris wheel..

  • blackmetal_virus

    Hey Dutchess, do you know why my hand ends up like this?

    Because of fvckin rainbows and sunshine and shits n giggles!

  • chrisbowen5150

    Sons of Northern Dorkness…….Eh

  • Alex

    Well the black metal fans in Scandinavia we’re sacrificing goats… a couple Christians decided to put on their own face paint, John even putting a cross on his forehead, and do the most brutal thing they could think of… trying to grab jesus’ balls well riding a roller coaster.

  • http://myspace.com/tim_222 Downshifter

    We Recently learned Gorgoroth frontman Gaahl is openly gay… But many of you did not know that he has his own “Neverland Ranch” type compound, this picture captures one of the several Rides he has.

  • jonowev

    “Attempts by the theme park to make their new rollercoaster scarier by employing ex-members of black metal band Gogoroth went down a storm with the public”

  • jonowev

    Sorry for the typo, I meant Gorgoroth of course. :P

  • knighthaunter

    goresplat and bloodmonger were sorely dissappointed when upon rounding the last bend on the “Roller Coaster to HELL!!!!” the ride, did not as described roller coaster into hell but had merely gone in a big circle.

  • havoc21

    There’s so much evil surrounding this descent that I can actually feel Satan’s balls!

  • blaspheghm

    It’s a Grim World (After All)

  • Name Not Applicable

    “Sitting next to the man in the black shirt, Astaroth couldn’t help but feel awkward about his choice of garb”

  • hazardofholland

    Oh so this is that dark carnvial all those juggalos have been talkin about

  • Follow4now

    Bob and Doug McKenzie found the only safe haven to listen to Metallica’s Death Magnetic without getting spanked like a little pansy was on the Tilt-A-Whirl. This shot was taken between Baja Men “Who let the dogs out” and Motley Crue’s “Girls Girls Girls”. Notice them rocking to “My Apocalypse” before being vomited on by the girl in yellow. Sweet justice I call it!

  • Ambience23

    Abbath and Demonaz were outraged because 666 Flags Magic Mountain wouldn’t let them ride with their swords.

  • Follow4now

    Now for our human interest story…sufferers of the rare “King Diamond tourettes syndrome” enjoy a charity day at the park. Just like the Special Olympics, everyone goes home a winner!

  • Emily

    Too late, the two teens realized one of the most important rules of theme parks: never put on makeup while riding a roller coaster.

  • JJj0k3r

    My name’s Posehn! It’s pronounced like insane, but with Po instead of in! What’s so funny?! My makeup?! It’s not a joke! Do I look like a comedian?!

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  • http://www.myspace.com/infernalnoizeradio wayniac

    The love-children of Abbath and Ihsahn go out to play!

  • Joseph Schroeder-Gurnicz

    hey you want to go to six flags after the show?