SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT CHRIS CORNELL IN THE PENIS
Monday, October 6th, 2008 at 1:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Can Chris Cornell please take his midlife crisis out of the public eye? If the guy wants to drive a sports car and fuck an eighteen year old, that’s between him and his psyche, but why does he feel the need to foist his desperate attempts to remain relevant upon his loyal fans?
Mere months after the announcement that Cornell was working with Timbaland comes the news that the once-great rock singer has now written a song for American Idol winner David Cook. The press release forwarded to us by MetalSucks Maniac “Porkspam” didn’t feature a comment from Cornell himself, I imagine because even he knows there’s nothing he can say at this point that won’t come across as total bullshit. ‘Cause while I don’t know Cook’s other “work,” I do know that anyone and everyone who has ever won American Idol is bankrupt artistically, spiritually, ethically, and in every other way imaginable. If you simply love to sing, you can do that in the shower; people go on Idol ’cause they wanna be famous so badly they don’t care if they have to sign their soul away (And I’ve see the contract Idol contestants have to sign – you might as well allow the show’s producers to surgically attach marionette strings to your arms and legs.).
Cornell, a guy who, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, was the real fucking deal, is completely aware of this. He’s aware that he’s participating in the exploitation of some sap and that he’s siding with the corporate big wigs in the war to turn music and art in general into a commodity first and foremost. But he doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t need however much money they paid him to do this – and I’m sure it was more than the entire staff of MetalSucks will ever make combined – he did it because it will keep his slowly-fading spotlight alive a little bit longer, and he can’t stand to think of himself as a guy who makes music no one cares about or, worse, a just a normal human being like everyone else.
Chris Cornell used to seem like the one of the coolest guys in the world, but with this career move, he’s officially demoted himself to a joke of Tommy Lee-sized proportions (I’m referring to Tommy Lee’s “rep,” such as it were, not his schlong.). Taking the guy seriously is no longer just difficult – it’s impossible for any thinking, breathing lover of good music. The best thing that could happen to Cornell now is to die. Unfortunately, I suspect we’ll soon get a much unnecessary Soundgarden reunion instead.
-AR
Oh Axl, you know you’re a closet Daughtry fan.
I highly doubt Kim Thayil would want to reunite with Soundgarden. I wouldn’t be surprised if Chris didn’t already suggest it to his former bandmates, but I’m glad it hasn’t happened yet.
” . . . I do [know] that anyone and everyone who has ever won American Idol is bankrupt artistically, spiritually, ethically, and in every other way imaginable,” the metal blogger says, as a huge DAUGHTRY ad stares his readers in the face.
@ aaron g: They have no control over the ads that appear here. In fact, the ads that do appear use key words such as “Daughtry” to associate with the advertising.
That said, it is somewhat hypocritical to use a web platform that allows for this type of associative advertising if you’re going to call others out for artistic bankruptcy (i.e., criticize how someone else makes a buck while trying to make your own).
oh, i know. as a longtime gmail user, i know all too well how google utilizes its ads. i was just very facetiously pointing out the very point you made.
i know i should give up on him… but i just cant, what he used to be was just too awesome, come on cornell give me a reson to believe!
This is the point in the blogscussion where I attempt to explain all this. I care because you do.
While a contestant on American Idol, David Cook performed cover songs. One of these was a melodramatic take on Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.” For those of you that have been following Chris Cornell’s turn towards pop, you’ll recall that his last solo album included a cover of that very song. Turns out that Cook was actually covering the cover, as their respective interpretations were remarkably identical and equally lame. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that Cornell–whose sales were surely bolstered (if even temporarily) by Cook’s televised performance–would be involved in the writing of Cook’s album.
As for Cornell’s career trajectory, I have a theory that I’ve mentioned on a few occasions. In short: Cornell is following in Robert Plant’s footsteps. While we all revere Plant for his groundbreaking work in Led Zeppelin, time has allowed us to overlook his solo career. It’s safe to say that this Timbaland collaboration will be on par with Now And Zen, which featured the soda-shilling single “Long Cool One”.
So essentially, we’ve got to suck it up for the next few years until Cornell decides to reunite with Kim Thayil a la Walking Into Clarksdale.
I just hate the guy. Fuck Cornell. Soundgarden was over rated from day one. Chris Cornell is as artistically relevant as Paris Hilton.
Soundgarden = Classic, amazing. Euphoria Morning = Brilliant, Audioslave = shit, Carry On = zzzz, thus the path of Cornell.
Interesting theory about the Robert Plant-like career path – here’s hoping!
Cornell was a musical hero to me – one of the things I always respected about him was that he didn’t repeat the same record. And that was fine when the music was good. It started to turn big time on the second Audioslave album.
But such was Soundgarden’s greatness that it still feels wrong for me to be putting the boot in (Boot Camp?).
erik, if you’re calling Soundgarden overrated and you are a Nirvana or Pearl Jam fan, you should just go discover what buckshot tastes like right now. I’ve heard that it tastes like gummy bears. Go give it a try.
Say whatever you will about the shill he has become but the true kings of grunge were, are and always will be Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Fuck Nirvana.
Some chick is claiming to be the “bitch” and she said he stole song ideas out of her mansucript and then slammed her in the lyrics to conceal what he did. She said she trusted him with 50 pages of maketable material and then he chewed her head off when she tried to ask him about it.
A recent poll shows the five most popular grunge bands:
1. Soundgarden-32%
2. Alice In Chains-29%
3. Pearl Jam-22%
4. Nirvana-9%
5. Stone Temple Pilots-6%
2%=other bands such as Screaming Trees
I have one comment. If you appreciate all types of music, including Metal, then I don’t see why you can’t appreciate his music for what it is. Art.
As a fan of all music, including Metal, I love his new work. trash me all you want, it’s still great music.
It’s funny that the last sentence is now true.