FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A WASHBURN GUITAR SIGNED BY MUDVAYNE!
Thursday, November 13th, 2008 at 5:10pm by MetalSucks
Ya’ll’s entries for last week’s funny photo caption contest were mostly unfunny. But these new Unearth and Amon Amarth CDs need to find a home, so here are the mostly-funny entries that will each receive one CD in the mail:
Muttweiler: “After surviving the mighty New Found Glory moshpit, Paco is getting his balls up for the Hollywood Undead show by stage diving onto his uncle Rico’s love doll.”
Keith G: “Public Enemies [sic] new album, Straight outta Oslo.”
Congrats dudes. This week’s we’ve got a really special prize; one winner will receive a brand new Washburn WI-14 guitar — signed by all the members of Mudvayne! (Check out a picture of the actual guitar we’re giving away). Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo [courtesy of Metal Inquisition] and it’s yours.
“Ohhh….Black Metal, ….I’m an idiot”
Morg bemoans the loss of his beloved Whopper.
“You had me at corpse paint”
Thogroth struggled to come to terms with the food court restaurant not serving Dimmu Burgers.
this is funny. love it.
When blind dates go too far
Whatever you do, don’t ask him if he is in the KISS Army
“i fuckin’ love sbarro.”
“Ohhhh, I’m so nervous for my first date….I hope Gaahl’s as cute in person as he in his photos.”
upon hearing the news that his longtime idol just came out of the closet, Gaahhllfan666@aol.com went to the food court to drown his sorrows in a coke zero, the blackest of cokes.
Morgrath, banned from every Hot Topic in the county, contemplates where to buy his kvlt bullet belts next.
“I hate people, but I love gatherings. Isn’t that ironic.”
Fatty McFat find himself lost and unable to find the ICP concert at the Mall of America.
[sigh] no one wants to sit by me… its not my fault i have Vitiligo, an autoimmune disease in which pigment cells (melanocytes) are destroyed, resulting in irregularly shaped white patches on my skin.
King Diamond wants to know if anyone can “help me out of the chair?”
BLACK METAL IST lonely :(
Despite a sizable Norwegian following, worshiping Satan in suburban America is lonely business.
Excerpt from the new children’s book, ‘WHERE’S GAAHLDO?”
After a short two weeks on the shelves, the authors of “Where’s Waldor?”, have decided to discontinue the short lived series due to complaints from customers that its too easy to locate Waldor amongst even the largest groups of trendy pantie waists.
Diet Coke for me, all these other drinks aren’t painful enough.
@Stolas Trephinator
Sorry man, yours wasn’t up when I was writing mine.
“Country Buffet is totally brutal”
Blast you cursed woman! I asked for Diet Blackberry Currant and you gave me Black & Blue Berry Brew!
For this I shall unleash upon this uncovered table the ring of eternal discoloration and despair!!! Gyaaaahhhllll!!!!!
“After 30 years of serving in the WCW and WWF, I find myself in an Amish library………Fuck my life.”
Even though the flyer clearly stated ‘black friday speed dating’ vlad couldn’t help but think maybe he went too far with the white face paint.
“Hello my name is Joe and i have a drinking prob- DAMMIT people listen to me I have feelings too!! And what’s with all the freaking plants?”
How many people are listening to Death Blooms in this picture?
Waiting on a cup of Duncan Hills Coffee.
Damn, I hope the interview at Hot Topic goes well. Those employee discounts are
sweet!!!
Lady in Red Jumper: No seriously. Look. Over my left shoulder. He’s just been sitting like that for hours now. He keeps grunting “Gaaaaal” or something. I don’t know whether I should move or not.
“Blast! ..The black mass starts in 20 minutes..where is that serving wench with my chicken fingers??”
Blast you cursed woman! I asked for Diet Blackberry Currant and got Black and Blue Berry Brew!!!
For this I shall unleash upon this place matless table the ETERNAL CUP RING OF DISCOLORATION AND DESPAIR!!
Todd thinks this restaurant at the IKEA in Elizabeth is not as black metal as the one in Paramus.
As he takes his his for the fist annual ‘Gene Simmons true fan club’ brunch it becomes apparant to gene that he is in fact the only fan he has left.
hmm….awkward…..
[correction...kinda takes the edge of the comedy huh?]…As he takes his seat for the fist annual ‘Gene Simmons true fan club’ brunch it becomes apparant to gene that he is in fact the only fan he has left.
I can’ believe they are out of strawberry milkshakes…
Vlad is pissed that hot topic was out of the pants he wanted. So he decides to let off some steam by enjoying a nice caramel mocha from starbucks.
But, sadly, Shagrath’s date never showed.
im so sad i just wanna change umm a burger might be nice i wonder if anyone here listens to mudvayne….
“Damn I hope Hollister calls me for a in for a interview”
What’s more humiliating……..painting your face like an idiot, or losing to a 9 year-old-Scrabble champ?
You know, I thought it was weird that the Berzerker was having a meet and greet. I thought it especially weird that they were having it at the Des Moines Public Library. I guess this is the perfect place if you need a reason to loathe humanity. I should probably go kill myself before they get here.
Hey they said there was free pie here but i dont see any pie i think they did this to me as a joke but i dont see how it could be funny this isnt a joke they just forgot that it was free pie night someone made a mistake it couldnt be a joke i meen i blend in to well for this to be funny we all look the same
“After finding out halloween was two weeks ago, Frandolf-asher-guntag sat at starbucks… drowing his sorrow in a frappachino”
I’m sorry everyone! OK? I fart when I’m nervous! Geez!
“Where the hell is that damn side salad I ordered?”
Wow, this is a far cry from pillaging and raping. Oden should be ashamed.
FUCK , I just sharted
After waiting 20 long minutes and still no sign of his bagel, Gene Simmons became so consumed by hunger he was forced to eat all the other members of kiss.
“Damn Guitar Hero 3 store said i would look just like the fat ass with the spikes.. now i look like a damn slipknot member”
Lady in red(Bottom right)- “HOLY FUCK!, DO YOU SEE THAT SHIT?!?!?!”
The feast.. is ruined
“Whose pig do I have to slaughter to get a good Frappucino around here?”
When all his money was gone , Gene Simmons finally realized what it was like to truly be all alone.
But Gahhl was suppost to meet me….I guess he’s not coming with candy now.
“Um…I’m pretty sure “Morbid Anal Fog” isn’t a video game”
thinking to self “Is my make-up smudged?”
Who took my bones dam it?
This is the opening scene from the new movie Crow 8, Demon Foodcourt Chaos. Staring the oscar award winning fat sack of shit, Star Wars Kid.
Stoned out of his mind with no munchies around, our friend is unable to run from the banana masturbating man killer behind him…the man might be dead but at least the banana’s happy.
Jimmy ignored his mom’s plea to not wear his sister’s make-up out in public, now he is again left to ponder which hand he should use tonight when he get’s home.
The unveiling of Axl Rosenberg’s face did not draw as large of crowds as he hoped.
“It’s ok, I thought the little girl was harmless too…”
“Hmmmm. I wonder if I started singing some showtunes, if someone would come sit with me……
I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay!!!!!”
8..7..6..6..6.. Fuck, if I didn’t have this stutter I could kill people faster…
Blind dating in Norway can be so hard.
Mean Malmberg is thinking to hisself, “Yeah i may be a mis-guided black metal warrior sitting in the food court next to potted plants, but at least I’m not trying to win a guitar signed by Mudvayne”.
Here we see a rare sight of the black metallion outside his natural habitat. Since unlike the chameleon, he is unable to change his facial details, he is trying to camouflage himself in alternate ways. The headbanging and thrash dancing are replaced by ordering lattes and wishing waitresses a nice day.
I’m the best looking mother fucker in here!!!
Now we know what will happen to sting when he retires from wrestling
god damn it they told me it was the “kiss appreciation day” at the mall. This is the last time i trust a myspace bulletin
I don’t know why but the “I fuckin love sbarro” had me laughing for a good while at my desk.
“How come no one ever comes to my tea parties?”
Only the most hardened black metal warrior can survive the soul-crushing despair that permeates the food court at this small Midwestern mall.
Unfortunately for Nelson, he was not fated to be that warrior.
I wonder if that girl in red would go out on a date with me if I asked her? Does she even notice me?
He’s sad because he missed the KISS Potato Head signing event at Toys R Us.
“I now bring this meeting of ‘Lord Dark Ronald and his Four Invisible Friends to order.”
If only some understood my panda bear costume….
why is every one in dresses i thought it was halloween party?
HELP!! the girl behind me is giving me the evil eye!!
Ummmm, yeahh
I’m gonna kill everyone here if they don’t quit staring at me. This I sware by the hammer of thor.
“I’m Different OK, Why wont you just leave me alone! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!”
“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll just go eat worms.”
Alas…the food court is the only refuge left for me to think about last weeks Grey’s Anatomy without fear for scorn from the others. Will Meredith ever truly love again? …. sigh
Maybe I should get a napkin before my makeup smears.
I take my coffee black, just like my soul. 2 sugars please.
Dungeon Master King Zirconia awaits the other 3 members of his guild.
Matching outfit from Hot Topic, eighty-five dollars… Black and white face paint, fifteen dollars…. Being the most talked about person in the food court, priceless….
Fuck hard liquor… I drink diet coke…
“I think the big cartoon guy ate my mommy.”
“Does this kid think I’m hiding her freakin’ polly pockets or what?”
Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Kiss albums. Will be in the food court every Thursday from 1 to 5 pm waiting for Mrs. right.
Hmmm, that plant looks tasty.
They call me the evil mother fucker where I’m from.
its gotta be getting close to the release date of the NEW MUDVAYNE !!!
what ever happend to service with a smile?
Black Metal-loving satanic evangelist finds little support in the whitest mormon town in America.
Gene simmons in his younger years…. before kiss
Sephiroth’s diabolical plans to dispatch Aerith became less extreme as his weight and makeup increased
im definitely too early for the kiss convention
Contrary to popular belief, the Mall is not the best place to significant other…especially if that special person happens to be the female-counterpart of KuD.
In floods of tears Gaahl contemplated leaving Starbucks after the waitress labelled him a daft fag.
“I’m sick of being invisible, I wish people would notice me…..Wow, this Diet Dr. Popper really does taste like regular Dr. Popper.”
Ah crap, i really hope that lady didn’t leave just because I didn’t water the plants
We now observe the male out of his natural habitat. The pack has deserted him, leaving the male to fend for himself. Note the ritualistic face-paint, designed to distract the other animals from his obvious weakness. Which is what, you may ask? That he is only surviving on that last Coke and the thoughts of Cannibal Corpse. If the others come too close, he will rely on his strongest defense — Unfortunately for him, mosh pits are a worthless attack in a food-court setting without the assistance of Drop C tuned guitars and high-frequency monitors. Brutal.
I’m so depressed I am gonna go cut my lawn. God knows it ain’t gonna cut itself!
“Look at me, I’m metal because my face is painted, im wearing all black, I stand out from everyone here, and I hate everyone and everything!”
Vampyr had hoped that his unwillingness to ruin his makeup would help him cut back on sugary sodas and curb his appetite, but he was once again defeated by a straw and popcorn chicken.
Orlock, having never seen any of the movies in the franchise before, begins to regret showing up at his local mall for the open casting call of High School Musical 4.
Where’s Waldemar?
It’s not his grimly paint slapped on his face… it’s his unholy farts that clear the tables.
Dimmu Burger: 1,000,001 souls enslaved and counting
Billy was never really the popular one.
Unhappy that his Magic the Gathering club didn’t show up, Krotchblaknikorpse now sits in isolation.
“What happened? Black metal was cool in Norway!”
“I can’t wait until the Prince concert!”
Dude Atreyu is sooo cool!
I’m cool! They are the wierd ones.
Consequently, King Spuringa of the Death metal daft-Acoustica thrash numetal band ‘Insane Homicidal Humanoid posse’ Sits in the food court at his south dakota mall, Wallowing in grief. He and his band, consisting of Grunger Bloodspout, Apocolypso, and Queen Hollowneck, Had just been booed off stage, the stage being JUST out of camera shot to the left, is calming his nerves with a carbonated beverage as he ponders his life direction.
Between raping and burning villages, Vllad the impaler would often reminise of the old days over with some starbucks
you all are just like my parents……. nobody pays a attention to me.
maybe if I arrange all the chairs around the table like this someone will think I’ve really got friends…. right phil?… phil?
“Just because I want a straw to avoid smudges does not make me gay!!!!!”
“Well, well, my plan worked. Corpsepaint will keep an unbreakable circle around me that humanity dare not pass, so that I may ponder my next band shirt purchase in peace! All except for that little girl…..she has somehow broken my defenses! I must stun her with my death growl (damn Behemoth for saying my tenor voice is not suited to demonic sounds! Damn them to white bunny rabbits and Elton John music for eternity!), and then….then…..I must EAT HER! Mwahahahahaha, yes! And it’ll save me a couple dollars on lunch, too. Just need to get another Diet Coke and I shall be ready to feast!”
“FUCK THIS! Kirstie Alleys not comin.. Ima take my moonshine and go suffocate some babies!!”
I coulda swore the Dimmu Borgir convention was @ 4750 Pacific Avenue… goddammit
Maybe they will notice me if i scream
Just because your music is awesome, doesn’t mean you are.
Ohhh, they have chicken fingers! Nom, nom, nom, nommm.
“Hmmm did I feed Mr. Puss Puss before I left? Silly kitty”.
“i doez it for the lulz”
Billy slowly realized he had the wrong address for the KISS Fan Convention.
don’t judge me…..
I take my coffee black, just like my soul. Two sugars please.
Lets see…right knee….left knee….weenie….okie dokey then….
……I could be smart and thinkin, just like Mr. Lincoln, if I only had a brain…….
Lady in red bottom corner : “Holy fuking shit are you kidding me?! “Lord Mordeth” said his metal shit was just for shows in his email! No way, just play it cool, dont think he recognized the sweater i told him i’d be wearing on our first real meeting. Just play it cool and head to the bathroom, I’ll hide in the shitter.”
Lord Mordeth: “oh, i think thats her in the red… hey, where’s she going? fuck! why do they always do this?! Good thing i brought my box of tranq darts this time…”
“I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.”
hey did you see how fucking fat that fucking lard ass was?
“It aint eazy bein’ cheezy”
Ughhh dammn it they lied again this is not where that metal concert is.
Lady in red: See Cheryl? That’s why I send Jeffery to private school.
Set to the tune of Darkthrone’s Transylvanian Hunger:
“Orange Julius hunger…cold!”
Lars Ümlaüt finally felt he had hit rock bottom after being forced to play Limp Bizkit’s comeback album in Guitar Hero V, The Return of Rap Metal.
DUH DU DUH DA DUH!!!!! I’m lovin’ it!!!
and as the blond girl behind him asked aloud why he was wearing a Halloween costume
he proceeded to decapitate her and hang her body from the ceiling of the food court
We are never opening for a christian rap group agian…
Black Friday, the day we all know as the biggest shopping day of the year, has clearly had its meaning misinterpreted by young Lord Mhürder, who now must face the shame of being ostracized by the normal mall denizens, as he awaits the brewing of his coffee.
“I’m sick of being invisible, I wish people would notice me…..Wow, this Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste like regular Dr. Pepper.”
“Lonesomeness is the blackest of all emotions.”
Here we see Joe, the kid who put out the ad for the leads in a Black Metal band.
Clearly there is NO evil and darkness in the suburbs.
(In a Sesame Street Vocal)
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Black Metal ….. it´s a lonely road.
Even the vorizon network avoided this guy.
In the name of Odin! Where’s my McMuffin? This is sooo not metal…
Continuing his rebellion against society while at the mall, Eric chooses the dark table to sip his brought-from-home soda.
I wonder if that chick in red likes me?
i’m not in the wrong place, i’m starting a fad
Bingo!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll take my coffee like I take my soul…Black
i dont see what is so special about this picture, i mean the girl in the red shirt and pink skirt is flippin me off but it isn’t special enough to be a caption contest picture.
yeah… there was at least one in my high school too
It’s a good thing they can’t see me!
Thanks for stealing my handle.
Fart once, and nobody will sit next to you again… Silent but Deadly! *evil laugh*
When those ladies leave, that table’s mine, too!
A Starbucks on every corner, but I just HAD to go to the one next to the Banana Republic.
“Man I really want to check out all the brootal black metal merch at Hot Topic but all the Starbucks is making me have to poop.”
“Wheres Waldo?”: The Goth Tard Edition!
Holy crap this itches, I wonder who gave it to me.
…”INI MINI MINY MO..should i kill the blonde? the brunette? or red headed ho??!”
As TheInfernalOne666 sits majestically in his seat, the same way he imagines Odin would on his throne in the voluminous hall of Valhalla, it dawns on him that his match.com date with falloutgrl22 may not turn out to be a sweet lay after all.
Unfortunately, many cafeterias don’t yet cater to the new Black Metal Diet. Eric wards off his hunger with a cup of coffee and tries to think of the nearest place that serves human souls.
dame security never thought i would stand out this mcuh maybe the wont notice if i sit still …… dame there still looking ………………. oh shit is that my grandma stay calm she wont notice me besides i dont stick out *whistles*
On his first trip to the student cafeteria Josh, the Norwegian foreign exchange student, knew it was going to be a long year.
Damn, I thought this was the Mudvayne cd listening party!!!
Susan is about to find out that match.com is very liberal with it’s definition of “Black” male.
Could… could someone please tell me were I am. Last thing I remember was drinking a beer at the frat party while I was sitting on th……..Oh crap!!! I fell asleep with my shoes on again. Holy s*%#! I can’t believe this happened again. Why isn’t anybody looking at me. I must have a cock painted on my head again. Crap.
GENE simmons invited all his groupies, i guess he forgot what all those drugs make people look like in fifteen years
Nathan Explosion says:
Hey goofball….look who’s all neutered. You are, yeah you are neutered, huh goofball? Yeah, who’s a neutered guy?
Corpse Paint:$4.99
Black Metal Band Shirt:$19.99
Enjoying time with your black metal imaginary friends: Priceless
Why doesn’t anyone come and say hi to me? Am I that unapproachable? Does my breath stink or something? Sheesh….they probably think I am a Jehovah’s witness….that’s it.
Here’s goregole on the first day of his new “Steady Diet of Nothing”.
Bonus points for anyone who names the band who had the album called that!
Oh what a lonely world it is for the bastard love spawn of King Diamond………
That Build-A-Bear session was brutal… time for break at the foods libraries.
I only eat the most brutal meal of all…..nothing
Pick up artist season 3???????
I got fired from my job at the Mormon Tabernacle Choir today. They didn’t even give me a reason. FUCK IT!!! GIVE ME SOME CAFFEINE!!!
“goddamn if i wasnt such a fucking TURD BURGLAR maybe i wouldnt be so lonely ..well atleast i have my buddy jim beam”
These spoofs off of the old credit card commercials has to stop…it stopped being funny 6 years ago
After a long day of kickin’ ass and takin Names, Steve Borden enjoys a nice, relaxing Double mocha cappuccino
Man… I think the girl behind me is checking me out….Oh NO..is that Chris Hansen?
“All I ever wanted was to drink my beverage in peace while on my break from Hot Topic, well that and to be loved by the dark lord of the underworld”
when hell is full, the dead will walk the mall
Duncan Hills Coffee, blacker than the blackest black times infinity
“One day mortals I will conquer this pathetic food court with my army of demonic minions from the shadow realm of Doritos and teenage angst!!!
“my mother always said every food court had at least one freak, I could never find him”
I’m so goth I spend every waking moment, every breath, in contemplation of Goth. The totality of my being is at one with the essence of Goth.
“Behold, I will now make the Happy meals cry,…. wait let me just finish my diet coke first”
“Behold, I will now make the happy meals cry, wait……let me just finish my diet coke first.
Ya’ll niggaz can’t see me, and ya’ll niggaz can’t be me! gyeahh!
The lady in red!!!!
My lady in red (I love you.)
“I knew I should have took that left turn at Albuquerque”
“When metal farts go bad.”
i fucking hate tutorial…..
wow, there are some great captions. Started off great but I think all the really good ones are done…the rest are falling about a light year short from even being humorous.
Why is everyone staring at me!?!
Kount Kold Kvlt sat lonely in the lunch room, exiled even from the “nerds’ table,” facing the truth: His attempt to win Becky Lundergaard’s heart through the awesome sexual power of corpse paint had been a dismal failure.
*Would the owner of black viking ship with licence plate KVLT-666 parked in a disabled parking spot please contact a member of security immediately before we tow it away.*
Upon his release from prison for killing his drummer, Count Lardness found he was ridiculed instead of feared. Which was confusing to him because Satan was supposed to grant him great power when he ate Lord Ulrich’s rectum.
What a fatass.
thats my comment. suck it.
Bubba was anxious to finally get to meet and greet with KISS….that is, until he got so excited that he jizzed himself.
“I’m just gonna sit here and wait until it dries” Bubba thought to himself.
10AM, April 20th, 1999:
Brunching at his high school in Colorado, ‘Gorgarath’ conteplates how no one at his school is more full of anger and despair than himself.
*Yea, I’m going to hell. I may not have class, but I have fun*
(coming faintly from iPod) “Oops! I… did it again… I played with your heart… got lost in the game… ooo baby baby…”
yeah that was me, Lars Ulrich before i started using swagger by old spice.
“It doesnt matter how many chairs I keep putting around my table, I still have no friends to fill them.”
Making middle America more black metal since 2008
Chik-Fil-A… Cinnabon… S’Barro… Waffle Fries are pretty good.. Yeah, Waffle Fries will fill my belly… Ooh, Bourbon Chicken!! GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
…really, Jonas Brothers are a good band. Musically solid, good harmonies.. I’m just gonna tell Mordread and the rest of the gang. They’ve always respected my opinions. Surely they’ll listen without judgement..
This is how Filipino’s are well disciplined..
“I can’t believe Gaahl stood me up again.”
…so where the hell is that kid i wanted to eat?!?!
dude is thinking..”this town is really going to hell. look at all the freaks and weirdos.” im going to have to move soon.
God dammit.. I knew my first one was going to pop up after a while.
“So much for casual friday”
sitting alone in this shitty mall food court, this warrior is summoning as much pure hatred towards humanity as possible so he can write the next epic black metal anthem.
…so ronery…
The local mall hired the most goth kid in town to paint their tabletops white using his face, knowing they wouldnt have to pay for paint. Here he is pictured ready to paint the top of his final table.
Damien waits for his job interview with Hot Topic
[sigh] So many people to kill, so little time! Waiter do you have any eyeshadow?
“Geez I’m glad I’m not a freak, like that Menonite chick.”
this is the last time i let my little sister practice her make up on me!
Why is this camera man looking at me?
After devouring the souls of the mall workers, nobody wanted to sit with “Hell-Fork”.
This was from Halloween last year! i wish i had read the small print on the packages that states “BEFORE APPLYING TO WHOLE FACE DO A SMALL TEST PATCH AS PRODUCT MAY STAIN THE SKIN”
“Black metal blind dating” – She’s never going to come because it’s just that br00tal.
…and he looks like a clown.
Man, E-Harmony fuckin’ sucks goat balls……….
Look at the expression on his face as this carnie realizes hes not at the circus!
“No one understands me!”
Pure Douchebag Metal…..
Breaking News: A zombie has been sited at a local sbarro. No word yet on any fatalities but we do have video confirmation of the zombie siting we take you live to the mall at sbarro. Oh my there he is omg he looks scary and terrifying, he seems to just be sitting their in chair not moving? No signs of movement chuck back to you!
Brian began to doubt whether or not being a metal head was affecting his social life. No, Brian, it’s not because you look like a scary lunatic, it’s because your a fat, smelly douche.
FAT MALLTEL IST KRIEG
“Dammit where they hell are they were gonna be late for the Kiss concert?”
дайте мне эту гитару!!!!!!!!!!
McDonalds, where all future dark lords of satan eat
Russian fan loves you, guys!
Give me prize! :)))))))
Give ME prize!!!!!! свой адрес потом по мылу вам скажу, и номер телефона тоже
BUUUUUUUUUUURP!
Good thing I have this diet soda to wash down all these souls I have consumed. Gotta watch my figure.
Waldo’s dining alone actually has nothing to do with the fact that he is a complete schmuck… it’s actually because he smells like hamster hair & vaseline
This Must be GOD’S idea of a joke….
And there sat Slagathor, rethinking his entire life after learning that Gaahl was in fact… NORWEGIAN.
Gene Simmons stops at the local mall food court to have one last meal before he has to report for his appearance on the new season of Celebrity Fit Club.
Let the “Speed Dating” begin!
What am I doing here? I should be rocking out with my cock out !!!
Knowing he had finally found away to get laid and still remain brutal, Blarghk lets his black metal cock hang out as he waits for his blind blind date, sadly his blind blind date turned out to be Blarghk’s best friend Gkoylior who, by the way was secretly in man-love with Blarghk all along and wanted nothing more than to taste the bitter sweet taste of Blarghk’s brand of brutal Black Metal make up. They lived happily ever after. The end.
fat bastard tells waitress(in cartmans voice)
hey bitch get in the kitchen and make me a pot pie!
GENE SAID I COULD GET A COW TONGUE HERE,
WHATS THE FREAKEN HOLD UP!
On his iPod: “Such a lonely day… and it’s mine. The most loneliest day of my liiiiiiiife!”
Geez… its dead in here. Think I’ll wake’em up in just a minute. Just as soon as this burrito makes its way through I’m gonna mic my ass give a HORRIBLE scream from “the bowels of hell”. Fear my metal ass.
“Black metal enthusiast takes novel approach to loneliness by chaining himself to a chair in a cafeteria and going on a Friendless Strike”
Only a nonconformist like me would come to the mall alone
Too Fucking Easy.
“Waitress, Waitress! Damnit, what does a freak gotta do to get some damn service around here?”
Cause Black Metal faggots gots to eat too.
I’m soooo metal I even sit at the dark table
1st on the menu: leftover roasted goats’ heads from the previous Gorgoroth gig.
No amount of red meat could overcome Gorath’s lonleyness
Mortiis sets up chairs around his table in hopes to lure a young woman to sit down.
Then and only then, will he devour her soul.
Cthonic’s guitarist was left behind.
“…..and I say to my self…what a wonderful world…..”
” GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLL NNNOOOOOOW! or maybe a puppy would nice”.
” as I sit here broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted”.
Abbath hopes his makeup isn’t sweating off…waiting for the American Idol judges to make up their minds is stressful. Crossing his fingers he chant’s..I am a winner…I know they will pick me!..I can feel it!
“The first meeting of the most brutal black metal club to ever to hit the mall food court did’nt go quite as expected.”
This whole “speed dating” thing just isn’t working out for Grahhl…
or…
“Hmmmmm….where Mongoroth park Prius? mmmm…Mongoroth pretty sure it was section 27B Green, but now Mongoroth not sure…shit! And fucking Starbuks bitch not use CHOCOLATE soymilk in Venti Iced Mocha Frappochachino..AGAIN!!!! Mongoroath not know why Mongoroth bother to leave house some days….”
Rondald McDonald is wondering if it was wise to bring his son on “Bring your kid to work day”
I swear, if like 13 or 14 more people make another fucking KISS comment, I’ll burn this place down. I will lock the doors, and burn this mother FUCKER DOWN. What the FUCK are you looking at? Say it, SAY IT!
Oh, shit. I shouldn’t have eaten that last king taco. I can feel it wreaking brutality on my insides. Fuck, if I move I know I’m gonna fart… that’s totally NOT metal!!!
Where the h-e-double hockey sticks did Gard, Rinn, Grimd, Sarke, and Hildr go? I’ve been here an hour; I don’t think I can stomach another veggie burger waiting around for these God-forsaken bunch of vondrukes to get here. I left Sunday school early for this?!
Pictured: young Daniel “Mortuus” Rosten of Norway’s Marduk; directly behind him, a young Johan Hegg (Amon Amarth) reading his newest Thor comic.
so to day kids we’ll be playing a new version of wheres waldo
” wheres is Gorgathon” first one to find em gets a gauntlet of spikes……
despite popular believe Ronald McDonald had not died, however his new image just wasn’t bringing the kids in like before
Loneliness Ahoy!!! Abandon ship!!!!
Why exposing my sickness!!! Cover it up with a make-up mask!
“One of these ‘hip’ motherfuckers must have a laptop around here. I NEED my puppycam!”
[Ok all these comments about the guy being Ghaal need to stop. Ghaal's tall and lanky, this guy is a whale. It doesnt even come close to working]
that’s why it’s funny.
Damn mom, what the hell is taking you so long, cant you see I’m really hungry and i want my black metal happy meal! Oh yea i also can’t wait until i get home so i can disfigure my Ronald McDonald action figure and give it to my Lil bro, dimmiu for Christmas!! What the hell did i shit my pants? No one will sit by me, hurry mama!!!!
where’s waldo?
Gothopotamus’s cousin waits for the signal…
Heeeeeyyy Abbott!!!
I wish my boner would go away so I can stand up!
the adams family before a gorgoroth concert and puglsy gets lost in the food court
After tiring of constantly telling his fellow bloggers how much more metal he was than they, Stewart finally decided to go to the local food court and just put his superior metal-ness on display for all to behold. Victory was his at long last. Metallica fans must have felt sooooo stupid.
To whoever made this comment: “I take my coffee black, just like my soul. 2 sugars please.”
Last time I checked, coffee with sugar isn’t BLACK coffee!
“IM JUST A SEXY BOY.. IM NOT YOUR BOY TOY!”
“Hmmm.. Some noices just wanna make you fuckin punch a baby.”
noises..
I feel like a clown without my funny nose.
face paint 5$ outfit 60$ moca latte 4$ no one to share it with, pricless
this make up is ingenious no one will notice the planet sized zit on my forehead now but what is taking the server so long…oh no maybe she noticed
“Im just tryin to find some ladies to hang out with my wang out.”
His disguise was not nearly as good as he thought it was when he went to buy Hannah Montana tickets and an angus shroom and swiss at the local mall
Brandon contemplates whether or not he will show them all that the REST of his body is painted as well.
Dude, I totally look like Nathan Explosion. I wonder if anyone will notice.
anyone notice that Grim Reaper is the funniest looking metal band ever?
I won that Abbath look alike contest and i swear that if he doesnt show up i’m gonna go home to my room and cut myself to my Mindless Self Indulgence albums
Metalsucks, can you please do a caption contest that doesn’t include a picture that isn’t black metal related
no matter WHERE i go… i jus frreakin’ CAN’T fit IN!!!!..~ it’s no use!!! i jus gotta be ME!! where’s my FRIES, already, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!
“UNIQUE”
being the only KISS fan in a room full of clones.
Wait…… This isn’t the KISS convetion. Shit you guy’s got me again dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After years of coping with his unknown eating disorder the last member of KISS finally emerges in public.
Greg Tribbett’s son, Lost and Found….
“i wish they would play some kiss right now. i’m sooo uncomfortable listening to rihanna.”
“I joined all the clubs…why isn’t anyone sitting with me?”
possessed by black metal demons……………and fuck me there must be a lot of them…either that or it must be the burgers……………i know he’s possessed by black metal demon burgers……….
“Ohhh come on ,I may be Satans servant but i’m a good guy……and a loving and compassionate friend .Please hug me”
“Don;t be scared,it’s just me……..the worlds biggest satanic teddy bear.”
“I’m not alone,I got my best friends with me :Satan,Baal and Lucifer sitting next to me,but don’t tell anyone I’m the only one that sees them”
“If that waitress doesn’t bring me that fucking burger I swear I’ll sacrifice her to the devil”
“I am sad.This coke is not DARK enought for me .Plus it gives me gas.”
“Don’t make me go all Abbath on you”
“I might be evil…..but have got a heart and a soul……..that i kinda sold to the devil……..but hey thats details.Hold me!!! My mom never did when i was young!!! “
“The real reason why i am so big is not the industrial amount of burgers i eat………it’s the fact that i am HEll…………..and tormented souls enter HEll trough my ass hole………(this excuse always works with the lady vamps and satanists…….and mom seems to love the idea that her son is a veasal for all that is evil
“Burger King ist krieg “
“All my friends said do drugs,but now i had to go and eat burgers and fries .”
After Gigantour and moshing for 4 hours, you wouldn’t want to sit beside him either.
“Check my new band Morbidly Obese “
“I’m not fat,my inner self is”
“I’m not fat,the demon possessing is.”
“I am not fat, I am just the fallen angel of greed”
“Fat guys can be evil to”
“After a hard day of walking trough the grim and frostbitten kingdom…..of Walmart …..a refreshing coke is of the essence . “
“And still,where the fuck is my fucking burger………….don’t make me go all burzum killed mayham on you ……..u Satan damned waitress.”
This is like.. If you want a little brother, kill your dad and fuck your mother
“i’m so evil and grim that …..my farts are clouds of blackened darkness and my shit is decomposed flesh.”
“I’m so evil and grim that my farts are demons…….(if i eat buritos my farts are aztec demons,if i eat curry my farts are hindu demons…..etc.).”
“My band Morbidly Obese has just released a new album “Obese in the name of Satan”.It also contains our two demos :”Evil Colesterol” and “Sacrement of the Black Lard”.”
“Don’t feed the black metalists.”
Don’t feed the black metalists.
MOM:”why are you sad son?” SON:”I’m not sad mom,I’m evil and grim,in a cute and cudly satanic kinda way.”
I see dead people.
“Get like you? Nah bitch.. get like me.”
‘In the name of Odin, I’m so uncomfortable. I should have used Preparation H…’
Thorgon, becoming increasingly aggrivated looked at the clock. Jarpi was late
Black Metal: because by the end of this meal, that little girl behind him will never be the same
5….4…..3….2…..1…… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhill kill you all
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ill eat you babies
wtf thats one wierd looking plant
The only one brave enough to approach the brute, a little girl
FUCK YOU SODA CAN
is that Aeris sitting in front of him?
I’m just SO happy!!
i cant believe im missing gene simmons family jewls
“alright im gonna ask that blonde behind me if she wants to go to prom with me, my grandma tells me im really handsome so it should be a breeze”
“I dont think im in the right place, i dont see anybody playing magic….damnit”
This is really Rush Limbaugh in cognito for his oxycontin drug deal about to take place
“I dont see a hot topic anywhere and my ass pimples are burning, i hope my mom hurries up with my prescription ointment”
“I hope that girl in front of me hasnt noticed me stalking her for the last few hours”
“This is where i come to ponder my sexuality”
“I cant believe im finally going to meet my biological parents, hope theyre into moonspell as much as I am?
“This doesnt look like the anime convention to me”
“Cant beleive i finally am going to pop my ass cherry today, as soon as the guy from craigslist meets me here we’re going back to my moms basement”
Wonder which one of these innocent humans I will attack and drink their blood to fill my hunger of this vampire curse that has been brought upon me
”By the power of all that is evil i shall lose weight and get myself a girlfriend,or at least a demon bitch.”
After his little sister broke his Britney Spears album, Gowrath the Destructor went to the food court to drown his sorrows in a triple fudge brownie cake and a diet coke
Why is it when I sit and contemplate my complete waste of life..Someone always thinks its a fucking Kodak moment?
Lars from Guitar Hero III at his book signing at the mall
If I move…the Mormons will get me.
Krikey..there it is..what a find! The rare black metal dork in the wild!.Notice how it’s a solitary beast and not a pack creature. It looks like it’s stalking a defenseless Mormon sheila. Let me go over and stick my thumb up it’s bum to see if it is a male or female!
Starbucks Finland: We put the “Black” back in “Black Coffee”.
It’s ok….No one can see me!
“Fat people ist krieg”
“Hey look at me, I’m a super douche with an overstretched vag, like the guy above getting offended that I’m getting called Ghaal.” says the fat tub of black metal disgrace.
“Progenies of the Great Fat-Bottom-lypse”
Thats what you get for shooting up burgers in your veins.
Now that’s how a Black Metal Peter Griffin(from Family Guy) would look like .
Black Metal Farts…for when you MUST be sitting alone in the food court.
“mmmm…………id love to get a piece of that pentecostal ass!”
i woke up in the morning , had my first sip of COWcaine , had munchies for some beef so i gathered all my friends and went down to DIMMU BURGERS . the next thing i remember is eating a finger…
now i`m sad because i ate all my friends …so i ordered a coke and 554320 burgers …
i don`t walk … i roll over …
666 the number of obese
Beerzum = Varg Faternes =Count Grishsnack
the people next to me can`t leave , i caught them in my gravitational field …
i also caught some chairs so i can`t leave either….
Fat Man just ate Boy Blubber , so now he is a satanist …
today i started a new diet . i stopped eating living deer and goat …
now i eat a combination of dead & frozen cow , pig and some genetically engineered animal made for burgers , and sometines when i`m sad i eat people …
i also enjoy Kentucky Fuckt Chicken and Burgler King….
“Blarg! How long is this christian going to take with my coffee?! I hope i told her no milk or sugar…”
“Any second now i will evolve into charzard and devour these pitiful humans and prove pokemon are real, all those that have laughed and ridiculed me shall pay”
“I drank way too much pepto bismol, if i get up i know im going to shit myself, and im already embarrasing enough, i knew taco time was a bad idea”
“the Necronomicon told me the portal to hell was under this table…..any second now satan should come and make me his dark knight and i shall ride by his side through the apocalypse”
After losing the Presidential election, John Mccain decides to change his image to reconnect with the young voters. Dammit if it didn’t fuck that up to.
This is Tom wearing his new work uniform after his employer changed their name from “Hot Dog on a Stick” to “Hot Dog Up Your ASS!!”
“recent study shows listening to metal can be unhealthy for your social life”
mallwalking is for everyone
“lookin’ por nub in all the wrong places”
” I WONDER IF PARIS WILL BE MY NEW BFF”
the food court..a perfect place to bleed out
my mom was supposed to pick me up 20 minutes ago..grrr..
when will it end?
if this were guitar hero these people would see how cool i am.
current life and times of sam the butcher from brady bunch.
man i miss my cat…
“TELL BILL I SAID HAVE A COKE AND A SMILE AND SHUT THE F#%K UP!”
i think that guy sold me bad acid.
man i hope this isnt Datelines to catch a predator-billy told me through myspace he’d be here by now
This is a muslim
“even being out at the mall with the family, Hanz was still outcasted and forced to sit alone to prevent further embarassment to his father
this guy has his ipod playing papa roach last resort on repeat and sobbing. His mom threw whiskey bottles at him last night and threw his mothers day card he made her in the garbage
Lars felt insecure, scared and alone after being raped in the mens bathroom
this guy said no to drugs, so all of his friends called him fat and left him alone in the food court to go smoke some dank nugs
these trees are my friends.
someone HAS TO notice me eventually.
i like chicken i like liver meow mix meow mix please deliver.
THESE CHAINS WRAPPED AROUND THY CHEST AND WAIST PROOVES THY STRENGTH AND PERSERVERANCE AND WILL FIGHT FOR ALL GOTHS TO BE EQUAL!
i wanted sharks with fricken laser beams…
this guy didnt get to go see mudvayne, instead he spent the amount of money it would cost on a blow job from a japanese dude
This is Lars, he doesnt talk much anymore, well he cant, this is the way hes been since he started smoking pot. Hes all lazy and boring, we used to have so much fun together, and now he just sits there…..
“Look at that ass! I’d go down faster than the Lehman Brothers!”
“Fuckinig Barnes & Noble had to loose my order for the necronomicon, now I’ll never have true love.”
“What the FUCK are these people wearing?!”
“Jesus hates me.”
“Acid is a helluva drug.”
“Man I wish this table came in black.”
“Look at those pigs at the buffet. What porkers.”
“Man, those pidgeons outside had good aim…”
Drakkon waits for his pizza as the Warriors for Christian Faith takes a quick piss break.
The bassist for Sausage Assassin takes a quick break for an Arby melt.
Sornfjord worries that his mom will be mad at the loss of her makeup kit.
“Man, I’m so hot I bet I make every bitch in here as wet as hurricane Ike.”
By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich!
When the members of Slipknot were stuck in a mormon mall together, they had to resort to cannibalism to stay alive. Joey Jordisson was the only survivor.
“Do you have any tuna that’s not dolphin safe?”
“I’m Dr. Rockso, the rock and roll clown! I do cocaine! Ca-Ca-Ca-Yeah!”
“I played my Kiss records backwards and it told me to I was the Key Master and I had to come here and wait for the Gate Keeper.”
“I need to go home & slit my pathetic wrist. Its not like anyone would care anyway.”
“That lady in red just gave a maccaroni murder lady glued to a piece of construction paper. Brutal!!”
“Waitress don’t forget to bring me goat milk for my coffee”.
“Waitress ,bring me another burger before i go all christians to the lions on you.”
It’s near Antichristmass and the Black Metal Santa (also known ass Satan Clause) is thinking what to presents give this year to the children who have been wicked,grim and evil…..
” Tonight the satanic priest said we will sacrifice live virgins.I hope he didn’t mean me.”
Alone in the Lunchtime Eclipse
It’s near Antichristmass and the Black Metal Santa (also known ass Satan Clause) is thinking what presents to give this year to the children who have been wicked,grim and evil…..
Under Satanae…..because he said tat over him was to stressing for his back
Gothic Makeup from the Goody store……$2.00
Soda pop……50 cents
Believing you had new friends that would show up in matching outfits to make a statement…..Priceless!
I thought they got Nicolas Cage’s son to replace Danzig on the Misfits reunion tour because he could relate to the kids……reserved seating indeed!!!!
Nutgrinder Sanatinco says, “Golly Jeez I feel like a fool. She told me she’d meet me at the Burning wolf Cafe and to wear my best King Diamond with a hint of John 5 *sigh* Never again am I meeting a girl at YeOLseahags.com, they never show up.”
Chad Grey ” I swear the camera adds ten pounds”
While waiting for the McDonald’s manager to return with his application for the interview, Jim wonders if he should have removed his nose piercing before his pre concert meeting and stares in amazement at the sheet of paper that is on fire in the managers hand.
As Brian sat in the cafeteria waiting for his guide to come back from the bathroom, he suddenly regained his sight, looked himself over, and…”That Mother Fucker!.”
No one’s staring at me, maybe if I shit my pants someone will start talking about me. Oh oh oh oh here it comes, Man I feel f-ing better.
Just hanging out being myself waiting for Hot Topic to open. Anyone scene my little sister?
What?!?!?! This isn’t the venue for the Kiss reunion concert I just bought scalped tickets for???… @&%$ Me!!!!!!!
“Puny mortals,bow down to your new leader evil Lord Fatus.”
This is Abbath Doom Occulta’s fat retard brother :Lardath Dumb Obesa
“My life is a lie.”
Why is it everytime I get dressed up, Everybody runs from me?
With his Kiss Coffin which doubles as a beer cooler while you’re still alive already in production- Gene Simmons pauses to go over his sales pitch to Sears. Not only does he have to convince them to carry the item but to to sell his new add on option: Gene himself as a pallbearer and GREAT comforter to your widow.
Ha! Now that I have your attention, I, Avkaroth, will send you all to the.. to the… does anyone hear me? Anyone? Someone look at me! LOOK AT ME!!! …please?
Pretty please?
New set of Motivational posters..
Drugs:
Doing nothing has never been so amazing.
Indifference:
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
Potential:
Not everyone can be an astronaut when they grow up!
Rock Bottom:
You’ll know it when you get there.
Stereotypes:
They are based on reality.
Disturbed:
The uncomfortable feeling your neighbors get when they watch you empty your trunk.
Retards:
We all know one.
Mistakes:
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to be a warning to others.
Unique:
Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful.
“I’m like so Gloomy Grim right now because my girlfriend left me.she said i was fat and had the personality of a rutabega.”
“I’m the real Behemoth,I’m the real Leviathan !!!! Just look at how huge I am dude,how can I not be?
“I am so gonna get the gig at Hot Topic! Now I can get my spikes for cheaper.”
Note to self: Kill those retards Kuyu, Thorgon, and Ian Baker, maybe Jesse M too, for trying too hard at telling miserable jokes. They’re not funny anyway, nobody will miss them…
“This is me at the bar before Cradle Of Filth.”
Note to self: sodomize Gallo and his family as soon as you have the time
“Currently in production, Napoleon Dynamite 2: The Fat Black Metal Years.
Napoleon: MAYHEM IS THE SHIT!!!”
all he has to do is make a pentagram out of ketchup and hes set.
DA FUCK YALL LOOKIN’ AT
Its all the New Rage in Metal..
FAT METAL!!!!!!!!!!!
My burger is gone already?? Thats BRUTAL!!!!!!!!!!
“Daddy, can you come pick me up please!?!? This weirdo guy is scaring me. I never wanna go to the mall again!”
*cell phone rings (black metal tone)
creepy weird guy answers phone in depressed goth voice
“hello”
” hey carl, this is mr. taylor, amanda’s dad… we did it, she never wants to come back.. what do i owe you?”
UUUHHH-OOOHHH!!! Oooops, this is the RICHARD Simmons fan club!
all i wanted is for someone to look at me.. just a peak.. a 2nd glance, hell a first glance..
is that really so much to ask!
i guess ill just go slit my wrists and bleed out the sorrow of being unwanted in this dreadful world
And I got all primped for this????
I’m really just a puppy dog once you get to know me.
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”
Jimmy (AKA DeathDemon): My mommy told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up… Oh my god! Why is everyone staring at me… is my makeup running??? Should I check… no, no I can’t… must act cool… look down… don’t make eye contact… what wonderful flora… where is Brittany, eh I mean DeathAngel…. I CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!!! BREATH!!! IN OUT, IN OUT!!!!
…fuck my life
i know i was supposed to meet her here! oh crap is that Chris Hansen?
Life’s so dismal, dark and bleak…wait….hold on… what the fuck is this? A CHEESE BURGER?! I ordered a DIMMU BORGIR!!!!
his face says black metal but his heads thinkin’ nu metal… “all I wanted was a pepsi, just one pepsi……”
Excuse me waiter, there’s a dead guy in my soup!!
The only guy that actually liked the new record
sorry……the only guy that like the new MuDvAyNe record
i need to fart!
and she wouldn’t give it to me..just one pepsi
Dig, Bury Me, Underneath.. . all that hot melty cheese on my nachos!
I, would love to cram my face, with any fucking food, that i’m thinkin that is tasty.
Peel me, im the skin, peel me from the bone, does it make you want chicken now?
Does your God come in a cheese-burg-er to indulge you.
Tear your heart down, fat meat eaters chew,
to consume these calories, and clog my arteries
I signed off World of Warcraft for this?
This blows.
Now you’ve got something to die for.
Walk with me in hell.
I’m waiting.
Creeping Death.
Sunshine’s gone, it’s all gone
By the way, just so you know
Always, this is how I feel
You’re out of souls… FUCK.
All you base belong to us….
Anyone?…..
No?…..
Damn!
someone sit down and KISS me!
While it appears that Lars Umlaut is simply sitting at the table, he is in fact drinking an A&W rootbeer to wash down the small child he just devoured.
As he does every day, Gilgeraath spends his lunchbreak contemplating the facade his life has become since getting a job at The GAP.
HELP…..IF YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE I SWEAR I’LL BE A GOOD MAGGOT PRETTY PLEASE…!
“Arhhh….Where is she??I can’t wait so long…I can’t wait so long…Something goes wrong”
“Ohhh f…k this new text for my song….So f…k this date i’m goin’g home!!!I must to wrote this immediately”
“Hmmm….i’m strong…i’m strong” “I must talk with this girl right behind me, i must do that…arrrhhhh f…k i’m idiot” “So what??I will sit here all day long, and beer, it’s not so difficult”
“Hmmm….i’m strong…i’m strong” “I must talk with this girl right behind me, i must do that…arrrhhhh f…k i’m idiot” “So what??I will sit here all day long, and drink beer, it’s not so difficult” “Waiter come here……………………………………………And?????………………………………..somebody please come here….No??….F…K :((((”
Just because u hate yourself does not make you a myshantrophe .
”What is the point of being satanic and evil if no one gives a fuck.Come on ,anyone,I beg of you give me the attention I deserve you punny comformists.
Black is the meat,
Burgers we eat,
Cheese grillers set to explode.
………………………………….
………………………………….
Lay down your souls to the God’s onion roll.
Ketchup eyes-deep fried skin
potatoe fries-soda cans
chicken wings-well coocked beef
B.U.R.G.E.R. K.I.N.G
DAMN THIS PEPSI TASTES METAL AS FUCK!!!!
Man…ozzfest sure has changed
As Jacob Ducock III aka “Absinthe” waits until they refill the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet, he wonders…if many goose are geese, why is it that many moose aren’t referred to as meese?
…deep thoughts Absinthe, deep thoughts…
“Maggots… all of you… SATAN SHALL REIGN DOWN ON YOU AND POUR HOT ACID DOWN YOUR THROAT AND YOU WILL ALL BURN IN THE PITS OF MY DARK SOUL. Man i’m hungry. time to join the maggots and get food… but then again they might hurt me for screaming that… choices… choices… ah screw it i’m hunrgy!”
Talk about a world so cold…nothing is as cold as the way people are avoiding me here…
Dimmu Burgers, now with a free Coke Zero
Shagrath caught by paparazzi!!!
Dimmu Borgir’s frontman fighting his hangover at the local fastfood after an exhausting last night’s “alcohol marathon” performed with his russian friends in Moscow :-)
Things have gone horribly south for Ace Frehley since he was rejected by Gene Simmons on the prospect of playing the walk on role of Kissin Cousin Ace on Family Jewels.
here we see the gothopotamus in his natural habitat……… a food cort
“Me hungry.Me want food.Me kill christians for food.” that is what the early black metalist had in his mind but nowadays it’s all for fun
Dammit, I cant find that damn Black Corpse Crayon.. I hope I didnt drop it in the Mrs. Fields cookie batter. If they find it, I’ll just say its not mine.
Oh snap! I can’t believe they ran out of teriyaki chicken. Maybe Cold Stone is open.
“i know I’m fat but that meat i buy from the Necrobutcher is so delicious that it’s almost addicting.”
Jeeeez is this really the new President Elect
The Blackhouse awaits you Sir
What the fuck are you looking at!?!?! i just want to enjoy my coffee and use the fucking wifi
Food Courts = Satan’s Playground
is that little girl looking at me? shit, is she gunna talk to me? does she want something? should i leave? should i ignore her? please leave, please leave, please leave. ….shit, she’s still there. what do i do? don’t talk to me, leave me alone, she’s gunna talk to me, i know it, what do i do if she talks to me?, i gotta get out of here. OK. calm down, calm down, she has no reason to bother me, she just sat there by coincidence. OH FUCK, i knew i shouldn’t have come here, kids scare the shit out of me.
“Waiter I ordered my Metal Hardcore, not heavy.”
“Yes i see you, thine’ beast in the red dress. I have stalked you through the wilds of this mall, and the fields of gorgrothmackrockastine that lay beyond it. And finally i have cornered you to this small food court, where we shall do battle for days, fire shall rain from the sky as our blades clash, and demon goats shall spew forth from the maw of hell, and I SHALL BE THE VICTOR!!!….
…but first, i think ill enjoy myself a nice cup of BLACK coffee and a delicious doughnut filled with yummy cream…”
“When will the torment end?”
(normal people) so when do we do this intervention?
(Metalguy) Oh God To Many Normals Oh Fuck Im Stuck
(normal)
“I’m so Goth I shit bats…”
the day of kiss’ comeback album release, their entire fan base showed up, ready to show his undying support!!
I know I’m getting old when I can’t even freak out an eight-year old girl. (behind him)
“Amazing! Notice how the offspring of others do not cower before Gothosaurus Rex! Let us be thankful it has been chained up. But if it weren’t, what a glorious sight it may be!”
Hey, these motherfuckers dont even know how to dress, how could they come out of there house like that.
Kahl the Frostbitten Impaler of Souls, contemplating talking to the overweight Aeris cosplayer at the table across from him. Could they be costumed, star-inverted-crossed lovers? Stay tuned for next weeks “Kvlt and the Restless.”
…at least it isn’t Mudvayne make-up!
its ok gene someone out there still knows who you and thinks your still cool.
when is this contest gonnna end dudes????????????seriously ….ps please respond on this page pls
yeah dudes when is it gonna end???????
dear fuckwits,
this contest ended weeks ago:
http://www.metalsucks.net/2008/11/21/funny-photo-caption-contest-win-some-goodies-from-the-haunted/
sincerely,
vn
Until my one man black metal group earns me enough money to buy my own private “Espidel”, the table nearest The Great Steak and Potato shall be my island.
HAIL
Why is my mom at Mcdonalds ordering me the double cheeseburger happy meal? MOM! STOP!
…”so this is what balck people feel like”…
dude i just checked my email. YA BRAHSSSSS
OK, um yeah this is embarrassing….didn’t anyones else gets the invite?
Aw, aw god dammit not again!!!! This is the most UNMETAL THING EVER!!!!!
I haven’t felt this out of place since that time I tried out for ballet!
i eat because i’m sad, i’m sad because i’m lonely, i’m lonely because i hate everybody.
this is Lars Ümlaüt before guitar hero.
I hate my life emo’s wanna cut me, goths cry all the time, and i’m stuck in this gettup while everyone else thinks i’m insane…come here coke zero my dear friend
“…..This definatly isn’t the concert.”
I thought this was the Ace Freely Poetry Slam; maybe I got the wrong day…
the rest of KISS took off leaving me alone… with these …. Hostas
The Metal Society claims yet another morbidly obese and depressed soul.
Lars did not take the news that he would not be appearing in Guitar Hero 4 well…
I wonder if Gene Simmons will believe that i slept with more woman then him
I wonder how many numbers i can score with my new dark and sexy look
I hate waiting to have lunch with my mom she complains i wear more make up then her
The guys at hot topic told me with this face paint no one can see my herpes but i think the kid behind me sees them
As Susan waits for her blind she only hopes that he will not mistake her for the easy type.
While on her lunch break from Hot Topic, Susan waits for her for friend from the GAP store.
I know what he’s thinking, exactly what im thinking. Fuck David Hasslehoff.
As the blackest of tears rolls down gaahl’s face, he wonders if eharmony’s chemistry inspired matches were all just a crock of shit.
Simmons Size Me – (Super Size Me II) ..starring Gene Simmons.
“Abbath? Horgh? Guys!? … Man this is embarrassing…”
Nobody understands what its like to be a hungry metalhead…
MYSPACE.com Realy is the new BOOTY CALL!!!!!!!!!!!
Thinks to self. Well she might be blonde and cute but if the little fucker throws another peanut into my fucking hair im gonna pull her teeth out. No No NO calm grathrak calm is the new anger use your words…..
Thinks to self. Well she might be blonde and cute but if the little fucker throws another peanut into my fucking hair im gonna pull her teeth out. No No NO calm grathrak calm is the new anger use your words
“Damn, i have been waiting for Dead and Euronymous for what seems like ages…”
When going on blind dates with one of your ten fans, be sure lose seventy pounds and not dress like a dumb-ass. What not to do is shown above.
learn from my experience, when an art school student asks your help for a school project say NO!!!
that’s what would happen if Batman and Joker had a kid
Hey, Gene Simmons here, the rest of the guys in the band told me to come sit here and think about what a sell-out I’ve become from the KISS brand!
Okay, who farted?
hot topic…check
spencers…check
balls…………….
I’ve been sitting here for, like, 5 days! No food or water! Why am I still alive!?!
Fuck my life.
The emo kid cursed himself for letting his father put his make-up on for him…
GAAHL HUNGRY
lol.
“Waht? Is there, is there something on my face?”
“This isn’t brutal enough..”
“I can’t read the damned menv….what is burger? I want BVRGERS, not Burger.”
Jeff, the only kid to come through on Black-Metal-Celebration-Day.
“i feel pretty, oh so pretty”
The search for a place to sit is over. The search for my penis is an everyday battle.
Attention Customers!!! We have a lost boy… Dressed all in black, Size ten sneakers, guages, and mudvayne tattoo… Please pick up your child!!!
I’m so different, I can’t even blend in with this face paint.
the bastard off-spring of a goth and rodeo clown.
“What’s up with all the kids, I thought Burzum were gonna’ play?”
“Why are they looking at me like that?”
“I feel… Like I’m standing out a little…”
“Ha, aHa Haha, now that, that damn clown is dead, ‘good thing my mom doesn’t know how to drive, stupid whore’ im sure to get this job.”
I feel Pretty :P
…Check Please
“I don’t feel so silly after seeing Chad dressed up as a human-sized Elmo at tonight’s Mudvayne show. Just keeping it real.”
Do as thou wilt is the whole of the food court law.
Man the things i would do to that lady in the pink skirt!, hopefully she has parkinsons
Most people are weirded out by my makeup, but I think these people are leaving because I farted!
Hmmmmm. Noone small enough to swallow whole.
I didnt have any clean underwear so im wearing a bathing suit…..
While incognito Rosie O’ Donnel waits for a match .com date
“Am I the only sane person here?”
The Inspiration for the new childrens book series “Where’s Shagrath?”
at the time i thought it was a good idea. but now i wish i had used a condom. I FUCKIN HATE A.I.D.S.!!!!!!!!
what the fuck were his my mom with my fuckin cheeseburger
BEHEMOTH will come….Wait FOR IT…..Wait FOR IT…..
Morg hit wall….Morg no kill wall…..Morg….hate….wall……….
Shit… maybe it was a left turn at the fork…..
Why do i got a feeling that everyone is staring at me!?!?!?!?!?
“can you say where’s waldo”
“So uh…. Behemoth is’nt playing tonight?”
In a world where metal is dead and gone one man fights for the survival of all things brutal….. and this is not him.
Little Girl in background: “Duck, Duck…..Douche”
On being stood up by the girl he met on Myspace: Maybe next time I don’t tell her I’ll be the guy wearing death paint.
Lunch time at the MetalSucks mansion.
“Buncha freaks in here man! I should kill them…”
was it something i said?
They told me we were gonna have the band meeting in honkeydorey mall this week where are they? Oh thats right I don’t have any talent to be in a band (voices in head start to speak “stay here and Sharon Osborne will pick you to be Ozzy’s new bandmate”)
Girl wheeps for her mommy and the make-up wearing bastard starts laughing and says to the little girl ” I only weighed 120 pounds when I sat down”
Oh Yeah all the other mall goths were to meet at Mummytown mall today not the Sunshine shops. “DaNm”
The night Gaahl stood him up was the worst day of Tom’s life
Man, why is everyone staring at me when they should be staring at the chick with the pink dress?
maybe SOME level of conformity isnt such a BAD thing.. Ohhhhh if she only knew how ‘in love’ I am with that pink dress she’s wearing.. I’ve got to maintain composure but I just can’t let this magical moment pass me by.. I’ve simply got to convey my love for her.. FUCK!! I just sharted!! So much for felching with her..
Every year at the same spot like a sick ritual, Colin would go and sit for hours remembering the time his parents abandoned him during a happy meal
Me thinks me just shatt myself…
I swear, it’s my new cologne…
Every time I eat one of those 2lb burritos, no body comes near me except little kids.
I feel pretty…oh so pretty…I feel pretty and witty and GAAAYYYY…
it’s a pitty…that everyone can’t feel like me todayyyyy….
“Dammit Mom! I hate when you drop me off early for a show!! This food court can’t handle my evilness. You fucking better pick me up on time! And bring me a goddam snack pack! (snack packs are so broootal)”
Hmmm….This Isnt The Hello Kitty Convention….
“I knew the rest of of Virgin Slut Mother of Satan wouldn’t want to meet here for band practice.”
will someone get that little girl away from him?!
Dimmu Borgir is getting ready for a show at Starbucks.
Chad unsatisfactorily drinks a diet coke, in hopes that he will widen his selection of spiked leather outfits
Last thing I remember, I’m the KISS concert, and my buddy, Rooster says, “Drop this, Dude … it’s Snoopy Blodder!”, and now … what year is it, again?!
“Gaahl stood me up again.”
Hes like a bad advertisement.Try and ignore him and maybe he’ll go away. It worked with that 6 flags old creep.
disguise expert!!!!!
I’ll never get that free “Hot Topic” Facial again…or will I?
I hope I wake soon…this better be a dream