Last week’s post of In This Moment covering Iron Maiden sparked such an uproar that it inspired longtime MetalSucks Maniac Hegy to send in a link of another female artist covering a (sort of classic) metal track, Rage Against the Machine’s “Guerilla Radio” as performed by everyone’s favorite Canadian yodeler Alanis Morissette. Thing is, said cover isn’t nearly as objectionable as it might seem. For one, Alanis has actually got a good voice, and I liked a lot of her earlier material in a completely non-ironic (haha, get it?) way. But more importantly, Alanis doesn’t go for the straight cover. Her version of the RATM classic is musically quite different from the original — it’s more of an “interpretation” than a cover, if you will — and unless you’re a devoted student of RATM lyrics you probably wouldn’t recognize the song until the chorus kicks in at around the 1-minute mark. Alanis, you continue to prove why Canadians are that much smarter than their American brethren.

-VN

Absolute garbage. It’s taken me a little while to absorb what Rose Funeral’s sophomore effort, The Resting Sonata, has to offer to anyone with a mature vocabulary of metal, and, unfortunately, the answer is resounding: Not a lot. Though I’m aware that I can sometimes hold bands to a pathetically low-standard as long as they are representative of a sub-genre, play tight and have a lot of heart, Rose Funeral is a grand example of a band that is upsettingly unoriginal and, to be honest, creatively flawed.

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Inarguably one of the greatest, most influential, and most ripped-off guitar players of all time, the deity we know as “Eddie Van Halen” turns 54 (!) today. Yes, some of his latter day career choices have been kind of mind boggling (in a bad way), but anyone who saw him on VH’s most recent tour knows he’s still the fuckin’ man.

So here’s to Eddie! And here’s a clip of him erupting back in’83:

-AR

I’m not entirely sure why The Showdown don’t get more attention in the metal press, but I surmise it has something to do with the fact that they’re on Solid State, a record label known more for Christian haircut-core than for blazing metal riffs. But The Showdown have blazing metal riffs in spades; I haven’t listened in full to their Summer ’08 record The Backbreaker yet, but what I have heard of the record is way heavier than its excellent, more hard rock-leaning predecessor Temptation Come My Way. There’s also the Christian thing, which probably turns off a lot of metalheads, this writer included; but in the case of The Showdown the riffs are so damn good and the songs so succinct that I just turn off the part of my brain that listens to lyrics. This part of my brain is usually off anyway, but I digress.

All of this is a long-winded way of saying that The Showdown’s new video for “Achilles – The Backbreaker” kicks ass. Visually-speaking it’s a rather plebian attempt, but it showcases the ass-kicking performance aspect of the band’s attack, showcases their chops, and drives this point home: The Showdown are awesome and worthy of any metalhead’s attention.

-VN

I can’t fucking believe I’ve never posted this fucking song by The Fucking Champs before. Fuck!!

Now go get stoned and listen to it, k? I just did.

THE FUCKING CHAMPS – “Thor Is Like Immortal”, from IV (2000)

-KW

Finally… we have a capable, intelligent, forward-thinking new U.S. president. No, it’s not Dave Mustaine. Here’s what else happened this week:

• We wondered aloud and speculated about Slayer’s co-headline tour, New England Metal & Hardcore Fest, Scion Rock Fest (aka Atlanta Metalfest), and The Faceless’ headline tour. This spring just got awesome.
• We ran to the hills to avoid a shitty classic metal cover. Meanwhile, we found Iron Maiden in Iran and on the big screen.
• We got sexi(vious) with members of Cynic and Textures.
• We looked at new releases from Satyricon, Cattle Decapitation, 16 and Rumpelstiltskin Grinder.
• Maynard got all Jiu-Jitsu on our asses and Carcass played a wedding.

Axl, myself and our girlfriends (we have girlfriends… whowouldathunkit???) are going to see The Dark Knight on the IMAX tonight. Hopefully weed will be involved. Later, suckaz!!

…look no further.

-KW

Congrats to “Sacajawea” for winning last week’s funny photo caption contest. Sacajewea will receive that sweet Zakk Wylde Knucklebonz desk statue for coming up with the following caption to the photo at right:

It’s obvious by the headbands and wristbands that Derek is a health nut. He even went so far as to buy a shirt that at fist glance he thought said “Oatwhore”.

This week we’re giving away a copy of the soundtrack for the brand new film Underworld (soundtrack features Puscifer, The Deftones, Genghis Tron and others — preview some tracks on the Underworld MySpace page) as well as a full size movie poster. Just post the funniest caption to the below photo and they shall be yours.

Okay, fine — it was bound to come out sooner or later (and I’ve even posted on the format before), but yeah it’s true…I’ve become pretty addicted to reality television. Sure, I still have a couple long-form dramatic faves on tv (much like Vince n Axl, I too am a LOST-o-phile), and continue to believe that we should now and forever respect the comedic greats, but goddamn — in terms of ploppin down in front of the tube and losing yourself, there’s no better escape from reality than…well, than “reality”.

And so, upon watching this week’s Real World: Brooklyn episode, I was a leel surprised when it was revealed that Iraq War-vet/impish hamster-like wanna-be singer-songwriter Ryan, through a connection he made from meeting a music management dude at a bar owned by Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy (hmmm…difficult to mingle with industry folks whilst being followed around by multiple cameras? Can you say free publicity?), would be meeting with a producer by the name of “Machine”.

Immediately I thought, “Could it be?”

And yeah — it was.

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So apprently Slayer are gonna announce their co-headlining tour mates this coming Monday, January 26. Of course, this raises the question: who will said co-headliners be?

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While we had just planned on catching Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil and Chimaira on this Spring’s Music As A Weapon Tour and leaving before Disturbed hit the stage, it may be that we won’t have to. The latest round of announced tour dates includes an April 15th date in Lowell, Mass, a Boston exurb on the New Hampshire border that’s only 40 miles (and 2 days) away from the New England Metal and Hardcore Festival in Worcester, Mass. Could we be in for some more additions to the Friday night lineup?

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Less than a year ago I took it upon myself to tell the members of In This Moment that they really, seriously, no fucking around, needed to stop covering classic metal tracks. At the time, they’d already created lackluster versions of Slayer’s “Postmortem” and Pantera’s “I’m Broken,” and I’d like to think I wasn’t alone when I said “Enough is enough.”

Unfortunately, In This Moment really doesn’t give a fuck what I think, and I didn’t have the will power not to watch this:

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According to a press release delivered to the MS Mansion this morning via Pony Express, nine more bands have been added to the already boner-ific lineup at the COMPLETELY FREE Scion Rock Fest in Atlanta on February 28th:

Converge
Pig Destroyer
Septic Flesh
Coalesce
Trash Talk
Evil Army
US Christmas
Gaylord
Apocalyptic Visions

Like, holy fucking shit!!@$^&*^@!!!

So, about those free tickets, you’re wondering. We’ll be giving away 10 pairs right here on MetalSucks starting next week. But if you aren’t lucky enough to win a set here or you just want to ensure entry now, here’s what you gotta do:

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So words like pagan, heathen and folk get thrown around in metal pretty indiscriminately and most of the time bands who describe themselves thus usually don’t have more barbarian blood than what I’ve got circulating in my foreskin.

Now this Wardruna project, masterminded by ex-Gorgoroth drummer Einar Kvitrafn and featuring vocals from the big gay anti-Christ himself, this might just be as close to real pagan sound as we’re gonna get. Musically it’s the monotonous pounding of hand-made drums, with some awesome choral chanting and accented by unusual instruments including but not limited to: goat horns, the hardanger fiddle, flutes, mouth harps, stones, trees and fire. Yeah seriously. Parts of their debut, Runaljod – Gap var Ginnunga, were apparently recorded outdoors fulfilling the lifelong fantasy of every fucking black metal hermit one-man band since the inception of the genre.

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It may be that the frontman for the best band on earth is opening an organic fruit market in addition to his already-established winery in his hometown of Cornville, Arizona. But don’t let those fruitish tendencies fool you; the diminutive Tool singer attended West Point and continues to practice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. An unsuspecting fan who attempted to climb on stage during a Tool performance found out the hard way not to fuck with Maynard James Keenan. Watch the clip [via Revolver] below.

-VN

Thanks to all who entered our “Most Metal Face” Bloodbath Guitar Contest. Even to those of you who were too stupid to attach any picture at all, thanks for proving once again why metalheads are at the very top of the genepool hierarchy. We had a great laugh sifting through your attempts at metal faces; special shoutouts go out to Carl Gasbarro, Steven Albano and Adam Bailey for their top-tier metal mugs. But the lucky winner of the Bloodbath signature model Mayones guitar is Kaylin Cariens of Avondale, Arizona, pictured below in all her metal-faced glory. Thanks Kaylin, and keep an eye out for your new guitar in the mail!

It seems to me that there’s an increasing number of worthy metal fests here in the States – Maryland Deathfest and the new, totally free, totally awesome Scion Rock Fest both spring to mind – but the New England Hardcore and Metal Fest, in which seemingly every awesome spring tour will converge up Worcester, Mass for two days of cock rocking br00tality, is probably still the most presitigious.

The fest – which will take place April 17 and 18 – has announced its line-up for the year, and, as per usual, it’s pretty frickin’ sweet. Check it out…

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The dudes at Metal Injection found the below at explosm.net, and now I’m sharing it with you, because, well, it made me giggle, and who couldn’t use a good giggle in these trying times?

-AR

Batillus, one of New York’s best up and coming doom acts, have released their self-titled EP for free download here. I could tell you how awesome it is, but luckily for both you and me, Cosmo Lee – who has written for just about every metal publication under the sun – has already reviewed the album far more eloquently than I ever could at his awesome blog, Invisible Oranges:

“The guitars are all over the place, which is uncommon for their doom milieu. While the band is duly slow and low (the three songs on this EP each top 10 minutes in length), it traverses diverse terrain: trippy Sabbath-isms, mutated Helmet riffs, even black metal tremolo picking. It’s an excitingly open system. There are lots of riffs – if you dislike one, one you like will likely arrive minutes later. Songs morph between riffs with surprising mobility, given the lumbering framework… I saw this band live and was impressed… [the album is] well played and well recorded.”

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Bad economy got you down? Then rejoice in the fact that you can pre-order God Forbid’s boner-worthy new album Earthsblood, together with a t-shirt and bonus CD — for only $18. That’s cheaper than most retail CDs… or what goes for a “dime” of pot these days… or a tranny blowjob in Chelsea… but I digress.

Aside from the fantastic, forward-thinking, insert-superlative-for-”brutal”-here Earthsblood, you’ll also receive a bonus CD containing the audio of the entire live set included on the Beneath the Scars of Glory and Progression DVD. The (non-black!) t-shirt is killer too, featuring the Earthsblood cover artwork. What else do you need to know? You can preview a couple of tracks from Earthsblood on God Forbid’s MySpace page and then indulge in the pre-order at the CM Distro webstore. Don’t say we never did nothin’ for ya.

-VN