HEAVY METAL LAUNDRY TIPS
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 at 11:30am by Vince Neilstein
When I was a teenager I used to yell at Mama Neilstein for fading my black t-shirts when she washed them. No joke. If only I’d had Atmosopheric Black Metal Kitchen’s “Heavy Metal Laundry Tips” (written by Scott Maxwell) to show her then, a whole lot of teenage-induced familial strife could’ve been avoided.
You should really read the entire excellently-worded post, but here’s the nitty-gritty:
… for you, the truly elite metalheads, I am here to bestow the darkest secrets of Laundromancy upon thee. I have consulted tomes of ancient wisdom (i.e., I asked my mom) in preparing this guide. May it serve you well… in darkness:
1) WOOLITE IST KRIEG. Your precious metal shirts are meant to be handwashed, so as to preserve the ink prints and the integrity of the fabric. Woolite is expensive, but it is an investment in your metal cred. In recent years, WOOLITE DARK has been introduced, formulated for dark clothes exclusively. USE IT! Immortal would endorse no less.
2) COLD WASH ONLY. Allow your clothes to soak in waters as cold as the rivers of Blashyrkh itself, without agitation. HAND WASH, or use the “hand washables” cycle on your washing machine. Your precious metal shirts get enough violent agitation when you’re wearing them in the mosh pit.
3) NEVER USE FABRIC SOFTENER ON METAL SHIRTS. “Softener” on a metal shirt? Are you kidding? Does the Snuggle bear really look like he knows the difference between Iron Maiden and Iron Angel? Not only should true metalheads welcome and relish Unsoftness, but fabric softener works by expanding the fibers of the fabric, thereby subjecting your battle armor to undue wear and tear. There’s time for that later.
4) AIR DRY ONLY. Dryers are false metal. The cold north winds will serve you well. But keep them out of the sun’s rays! The sun, as always, is the enemy of darkness.
Thanks to MetalSucks Maniac Toxteth O’Grady for sending in the link.
-VN
GENIUS!
any tips on shrinkage?
I like to get my laundry done as fast as possible, but unfortunately at the expense of my shirts, which come out a size smaller.
shrinkage is SO metal(mallcore).
Peaches… That’s where air dry comes in. You need to air dry to avoid shrinkage. The faster something changes temperature (in this case from cold to hot) it will always fluctuate in size. In the case of cloth, it shrinks. To avoid this rapid change of temperature you need to air dry.
Having an ancient, faded black tee that shows you’ve been there from the beginning is WAY more metal than meticulously hand washing and air drying your black t-shirts to keep them pristine. Pristine is not metal. Old and beat up is metal.
However, wearing that concert tee from the Defenders of the Faith show you went to in 1984, especially if it’s now three sizes too small, is just pathetic. That shirt belongs stapled to your garage wall of fame, along with your other reminders of your more glorious and probably pathetic past. Like maybe the Padres World Series tickets you’ve hung on to since you waited in a long line outside the Murph in 1984. (Um, that’s just speculation…yeah, I don’t know anyone who has done any of those things…)
I have to agree with Sammy on this. If it doesn’t look like it’s been used and abused, it means you aren’t active in the pit and other areas. Fade all the way.
No softener!! I’m sorry but I love my soft smell of lavender on my shirts.
Maybe you should just dry clean your shirts?
Also, you should:
1. turn your shirts inside out before washing to prevent wear on the silkscreen
2. use Cheer “Dark formula” to protect the colors. Also, Dark formula sound metal, like it could have been an album by some old school band like Metal Church. “Man, have you heard Metal Church’s new album Dark Formula? Killer.”
We used to call the phenomena of band shirts shrinking (especially in the back) and riding halfway up one’s back “retarded ass” (usually rendering the shirt unwearable). This was especially true of the really low quality shirts, and the absolute worst were bootleg shirts. And by bootleg, I mean the kind you get in the parking lot after a big show from a guy that has 50 of them stuffed under his shirt. The kind you can usually haggle away from the guy for 7 bucks, or at least “2 for $20.” The kind that have the wrong tour dates, and band names spelled wrong.
ex. “Yo, I got this shirt in the parking lot after the Metallica show, and the piece of shit has retarded ass after one wash!”
I kind of always liked that slightly faded look. I’ve got a Megadeth shirt from 93 or 94 that I’m afraid to touch in fear that it will disintegrate.
I’d be happy if metal shirts would just stop coming in a size bigger than they’re supposed to.
Yno…some of us aren’t fat.
@Kye: Medium is the new XL (or vice versa?). I’ve had to start buying everything smaller than I used to because of the new fat American.
I’ve come to be able to feel the fabric and have a pretty good idea if it will shrink or not. Sometimes I’m afraid to buy a medium because I’m afraid it will shrink and I’m afraid to buy a large because sometimes it won’t. I’ve always hated looking for t-shirts at small independent record stores because they think everyone likes their shirts in xl or small.
Hey Don’t forget about the totally Br00tal
WOOLITE DARK!
The most metal of ALL Fabric Detergents!!!!!!!!!!! muuuaaahahahahaha!!!!
http://www.epinions.com/content_172557897348