HOLY WORTHLESS AWARDS SHOW!!! THE METALSUCKS GRAMMY ROUND-UP
Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 4:52pm by Kip Wingerschmidt
So yeah, we all sat around last nite in the family room of the MS Mansion and chuckled incessantly as our infamous MS Monkeys instinctively knew to fling their feces at the wall onto which we were projecting the Grammy Awards broadcast (in between games of Guitar Hero)…lucky for us, 1) it’s only a wall and 2) we have the aforementioned monkeys to clean up their own poop.
In any case, a few things happened on the show which seemed vaguely noteworthy:
– Bruce Springsteen won Best Rock Song for “Girls in Their Summer Clothes”. We didn’t realize the Boss was still makin de hitz, but obviously fully endorse girls and their summer clothes (or lack thereof).
– Coldplay won for Best Rock Album. Ugh.
– Radiohead won Best Alternative Music Album for their excellent In Rainbows. We cheered, but then became confused because we thought “alternative music” and that term itself died in the late 90s. In between beer bongs, Sammy O’Hagar predicted that in the next couple years, the Grammies would change that particular award title to Best Indie Music Album. We agreed, and also found it funny that Pitchfork didn’t mention anything about “metal” or “hard rock” in their Grammy round-up. Pussies.
– Daft Punk won awards for both “Best Dance Recording” and “Best Electronic/Dance Album“. In celebration, the Monkeys unveiled their much-buzzed-about synchronized dance routine that we’ve been hearing about for months now. It rivaled the best that Alvin Ailey ever had to offer.
– John Mayer won for “Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance“. Although we recognize that he can actually play the guitar decently and continues to get gazillions of college dudes laid, the consensus ’round these parts is that Mayer decidedly does not, in fact, “rock”. (Vince put up one hell of an argument, but he also thinks that this chick is “totally tubular” and was therefore overruled by all of the writers and 96% of the Monkeys.)
– Kings of Leon won Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals for a track entitled “Sex on Fire”. We all nodded and shrugged, having mostly approved of the group’s older material but never laid ears on their latest release…in our increasingly stoned state (David Bee Roth insisted on quadrupling the amount of ganj in his Grammy’s {pun intended} Pot Brownie Recipe), we all silently wondered what it would be like to have sex whilst on fire. The mere thought singed each of our wieners a leel, but the mental image was indeed br00tal. Conflagration copulation — W O O F.
– The Mars Volta, who I obviously continue to think are pushing the boundaries of progressive rock (despite their live show having devolved into a spacey, drawn-out challenge for any audience), won for Best Hard Rock Performance. Metalheads everywhere could hardly give 1/4th of a shit, claiming that “The Mars Volta aren’t metal in the least, and you should stop writing about them…” Too bad I couldn’t hear you, as I wasn’t listening to your e-whining.
– Old fogies Metallica won Best Metal Performance for the track “My Apocalypse” from their recent underwhelming release Death Magnetic. One of the head honchos of MetalAintCool frustratedly muttered “that Metallica won anything is a testament to the fact that the grammies are completely irrelevant”. We all agreed, and then waxed philosophic on the band Testament for a while, who, in case you didn’t know, are only, like, one of the top 40 thrash bands of all time!”
– and finally, Robert Plant (& Alison Krauss) won 5 awards (including Record of the Year and Album of the Year, but lost Song of the Year to Coldplay, ugh) — everyone loves a comeback, no? Obviously we support Plant (and are increasingly curious about his duets with Krauss), and Zeppelin are still the best rock n’ roll band EVER, but does this mean that the Zeppelin reunion status will continue to be (un)determined? Brothels.
-KW
“My Apocalypse” is the worst song off Death Magnetic…
NO FUDGIN’ WAY. metallica (aka shitlica) won AGAIN. what a total shock.
they could release a song of them whipping slaves and taking a shit and win a grammy!!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals . These kind of categories are just stupid and useless. Why not Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Guitars or Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Drum Techs. Just useless made up categories.
Coldplay winning best rock album is like Deicide winning best R&B album….
FAIL
I knew metallica would win a grammy from the time i new they were puttin out a cd. I suspect the grammy people did too.
btw – the allison krauss/robert plant cd is great – well i think
p.s. that new pissopiss cd leaked, but im sure you knew that
Metallica could record an album consisting solely recordings of the band members shitting (scratch that, they already did. it’s called St. Anger) and they still would win for “Best Metal performance”. The faggots that hand out the grammy awards wouldn’t know good metal if it bashed ‘em on the head with a ball pin hammer.
Hate to sound catty but the Kings of Leon album is called ‘Only by the Night.’ Sex on Fire is a sweet jam though.
glad for The Mars Volta. they deserve it
While I happen to like Death Magnetic (annoying recorded guitar tone issues aside), I agree with Ben that the worst song on the album won the award. And Cosk above got it right when he said Metallica winning a Grammy was a foregone conclusion.
As for how the Grammy powers-that-be define “rock” music, man I have no idea. Aren’t all those bands really pop bands (Mayer, Coldplay, et al)? Hell, I watched the 60 Minutes interview with Chris Martin last night. And while he actually comes off as pretty humble and a decent guy, he said he wouldn’t define his band as “rock” music.
I really have no idea what the Grammys really ARE rewarding.
I really wished The Mars Volta played a song off of Bedlam in the Grammys like Goliath or Ouroborous just to show the audience that music is still growing instead of 75 percent of all the crap they advertise
Well, I do listen to Coldplay sometimes but it’s pretty lame that everyone brings them up…There’re lots of good brit-rock bands out band. FACT.
Nobody cares what the Grammys think. The memebers of Grammy board are always out of touch, we all know that. lol
Mars Volta is one of the best bands out there right now, and i think they could be considered as much metal as they would be rock.
They still give out Grammys?
Does anyone still take the Grammys seriously any more? I mean, the fact that they gave one to Milli Vanilli should have been a big indicator for people that these awards have nothing to do with actually making decent music.
The biggest pissoff for me is Coldplay winning a fucking Grammy for Satriani’s song.
@ catty Brett: Settle down there, girlfriend!! Mee-ow… Didn’t realize, my B.
@ groverXIII: I totally agree, Milli Vanilli rulzzzlolzzzomgz…and “Blame it on the Rain” is far and away my favorite song ever written about how man’s emotions relate to weather patterns….great taste dawg!!
So while the Grammy foundation or whatever they are have no clue about relevant music, they did pick off Death Magnetic one of the ass rippingest songs on the album. I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.
In all honesty, I liked Death Magnetic but my choice for best metal song of 2008 (from and American band) would be: either Adam’s Murmur (Cynic) or More than Meets the Eye (Testament)
While I wanted Slipknot to win Best Metal Performance (though am not really dissapointed that they lost, since it doesn’t matter), I thought Judas Priest was going to win for sure, since they’re legendary, have large name recognition, and have never won a grammy if i’m not mistaken.
Bruce won, good for him.
Coldplay won, oh, what? Ugh? You thought they’d lose? That’s cute, to be naive I mean, I miss that.
Radiohead, how I could give a shit, because I’m not a hipster douchebag.
Daft Punk, good for them, but again, apathy reigns supreme.
That chick is totally tubular, if you mean looks, however in regard to music, not really. Notice no mention of the winner there, that is how little I care.
I don’t know/care.
I decided to look these guys up, the song that won specifically, terrible, sometimes I wonder if the entire premise of these popular “hip” bands is to sound as terrible as they can while exercising as much skill as is possible within those confines. I’m glad Disturbed didn’t win, the further away they are from Slipshit, Cocksmack, and Linkin Fail, the better.
Metallica won, well, I mean they’re obligated to award foundation artists really, their last album won a grammy too, I guess it’s just to the point no matter how shitty it is, if they make it, it has to win. Something about testament or whatever, don’t care.
They weren’t up for Song of the Year, but I don’t really care, aside from mention of a Led Zeppelin reunion.
There, summary commentary.
Thanks for the write-up. Glad I didn’t waste my time watching that shit.
dammit, plant’s increasing success with krauss will mean the led zeppelin reunion is becoming even more unlikely. let’s all prepare for raising sand part 2. yay! although the duo is surprisingly good…
and yeah, kings of leon, since shaving their beards and denouncing the blues have becoming increasingly meh.
Awesome recap; the most balanced I’ll see from any site, metal or not.
Much more noteworthy than the awards IMO was Radiohead’s performance with the marching band. Fucking brilliant.
Radiohead’s performance was by far the highlight of the show. Even though I don’t really like hip hop I though M.I.A. was pretty captivating, her outfit was ballsy too.
As for the awards? who cares, the grammys have been “out of touch” for so long it’s ridiculous. Metallica didn’t deserve to win anything, and have you heard the Plant/Krauss stuff? it’s OKAY, but not winning five grammys good.
I want to start my own awards show: The Whiskies. In January of every year, the academy of Whiskey will convene, drink way too much Jim Beam, and listen to anything that was worth a shit from the previous year. We will all unanimously agree on what’s worth consideration, because we all unanimously agree that whiskey is amazing. Instead of taking home statues, the winners will take home gold-plated bottles of Johnny Walker Blue Label. Speeches will be allowed to go on for as long as necessary, and allowed to include the phrase “Fuck yeah, motherfucker” as many times as necessary. There will be 26 separate “Best Fucking Metal Album” categories, as well as one category of “Best Album to Put On While Tripping Your Dick Off On Hallucinogens”. Technical awards like “Dankest Weed” and “Whiskey Of The Year” will be given during a previous ceremony.
Who’s with me on this?
metallica is far past their prime & even if this (piece of shit) is far better than st. anger, it sucks major balls…..those old fucks should just give it up…i mean, i’m old & i don’t wanna hear anything that they do………..also mother fuck those shit eating cock bones from coldplay for 1. sucking ass & 2. stealing satch’s song.
I could write a huge comment, but whats the point ?
Grammys are shite, end of the story.
I totally agree with SourDeez
None of this Coldplay crap
The title of this thread says it all. Metallica does deserve at least a bit of accolade for a (slight) return to their true sound. I thought Death Magnetic was their best since Master of Puppets to be quite honest. Shadows Fall, Chimaira, Killswitch and the other deserving metal acts that don’t even get a mention at the Grammy’s are just proof that real music doesn’t get any approval or recognition. My father once told me that only 2% of all recorded music gets playtime on the radio. I was at first skeptical and rebellious but then I did a little research and realized that he was right. Chimaira is proof of this claim. Keep rocking boys, I’m yours forever.