«
»
...And Fuck You Too

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY THE BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG AT THE CONCERT

 Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 9:00am by

If you’re at a show and any of the following descriptions apply to you, then, congratulations, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Seriously, kill yourself.

  1. If you’re pushing people to get in or out of the pit when the show’s not that crowded and there’s a pretty clear path in and out of the pit, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Please push your way out into the street and then proceed to play in traffic.
  2. If you have your shirt off at an indoor concert and you’re not a girl, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Now go take that bare chest and go run through a car wash. Don’t forget to ask for hot wax!
  3. If you have your back to the band and are singing and/or rocking out while facing the crowd, as though to pretend that everyone at the venue is cheering for you, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. If you want attention so badly, you should probably go stand on a ledge someplace very, very high up. And then jump off of it.
  4. If a girl falls down in the pit and you used helping her up as an excuse to grope her, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Please go commit a crime, turn yourself in, and then report to the prison shower for anal rape immediately followed by shiving.
  5. If you’re so drunk that you’re puking before the headliner even goes on, then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Now go drive home.
  6. If you’re moshing to music that in no way, shape or form encourages moshing (e.g. “The Unforgiven,” anything by Swallow the Sun, etc.), then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Since you clearly don’t care what you’re listening to when you mosh, please go buy tickets to a Katy Perry concert and bother those assholes.
  7. If you regularly post on Lambgoat, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Van flip.
  8. If you use the mosh pit as a place to re-enact your favorite scenes from The Karate Kid instead of a place to, y’know, mosh, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Mr. Miyagi is dead and you get to live? What bullshit. Please ask your friend to karate chop your neck until it breaks. And pull your gym shorts up. You look like a schmuck.
  9. If you’re from New Jersey and you’re at a show that’s not in New Jersey, then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. No need for self-inflicted punishment, though. Being from New Jersey is punishment enough.
  10. If you read this site regularly, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. You also have very good taste.

-AR

Tags: , , , , ,
  • http://www.last.fm/user/Richaod/ Richaod

    *applause*

    About number 6, from personal experience… at the recent Opeth concert I attended, people kept crowd-surfing during the acoustic moments. Seriously, are your brains so slow to process the transitions that by the time you’re lifted up, the heavy bits have ended?

  • Cory

    Hmmm…Number 6…
    So wait, people were actually MOSHING to Swallow the Sun on sunday at the Soilwork Concert?

  • PatoChan

    Hilarious! I particularly enjoy the advertisements for douche-related products that appear on the page.

  • jon

    #1 should, in fact be….

    “If you’re at a show where Slayer is not on the bill (OR even at a Slayer show) and all you chant is ‘SLAYER, SLAYER, SLAYER’, you’re the biggest douche bag at the show”.

    Yeah…I said it…and what?

  • Walker

    Can we all stop hating on New Jersey please. Also a question, if your facing the crowd in the front side of a circle pit and your rocking out and singing along but the main reason your facing the group is to make sure you dont get blindsided, is that being a douche. If i can throw in my two cents if you’re one of those people who taps my shoulder while Im trying to enjoy the show and do the “hey put me up” for crowdsurfer motion. I cant stand that, its non stop. You help one person, than another, and another. I think if you dont have your own spotter for your little crowdsurfer thing you HAVE to do, then you’re not allowed to surf.

  • jon

    I was just going to say that!

  • douchey

    But….but….I like yelling Slayer at any metal concert :(

  • jon

    douchey…then you’re a douche.

  • Owen

    I’ve done no 2. So I guess that makes me part of that concerts collective douchebaggery.

  • John

    dang, I read this site and post on lambgoat

  • Blackthorned

    Point number 2 should be enforced by law.

    I’m (physically) sick of it – the guy at Lamb Of God in Bristol last week that modelled himself on the Rancor’s keeper, you know who you are. We don’t want to see your lame tattoo and moobs, let alone run the risk of physical contact with them.

  • MetalAC13

    Hey, in fairness, NJ deals with a lot of NY assholes who do this shit at our shows–e.g., Starland Ballroom.

    How about the guys who can’t crowd surf and kick you in the face–those are my favorite douchebags.

  • Elpants

    Moshing to StS? Fuck that. I thought when I was witnessing a circle pit during the solo of Fermented Offal Discharge by Necrophagist, I had seen the epitome of retard. Guess not.

  • http://metalmartyr.com Metal Martyr

    This list is great! What about; if you buy a bands t-shirt as soon as you get in the door and put it on over the one you’re already wearing then…

  • Dannibal

    Hahaha! Good fucking post Axl.

  • myke

    lol wow majority of this is true. you guys rule!!! AND the part about moshing for shallow the sun i saw a few people trying to break some dance moves on sunday night when they played. i love shallow the sun but come on thats like trying pick up change when katatonia is playing.

  • Paul D

    The only place a man should remove his shirt in public is at the pool or the beach. And MAYBE if he’s on the “skins” team in a pick-up basketball game.

  • Z

    NUMBER 8 NUMBER 8 NUMBER 8. I’m fucking sick of it.

  • http://blackcadillacamontreal.blogspot.com Mui

    This post is genius!

    I was at a concert yesterday and had to live through many examples of 1, 2 and 8. Oh, and 10, of course, but I tend to get on my own nerves much less than bare chested strangers do. Sweaty, stinky, hairy bare chested strangers. ew.

  • Toxteth O’Grady

    I was once guilty of number 2, but it was Texas in August and the air conditioning was broken. With 2,000 people at that show, it was well over 90F and the humidity was near 100%.

  • Shiny Sparrow of Doom

    Can we please hate on New Jersey more, because lord knows those fucks deserve it. Truth told most of the guys with their shirts off, facing the crowd and moshing to the wrong bits are probably all from New Jersey.

  • Krame

    I’ve been guilty of no 2 myself, twice. The first time, I was drunk (and but a kid), the second time I honestly thought I was gonna dehydrate if I didn’t do that. Coulda just gone to the bar and gotten some water, but Municipal Waste probably would have finished their set by the time I got back!

  • Your a faggit

    Obviously, you have never been to an indoor show in Texas. Because #2 is a must a lot of the time. It is hot and humid as fuck

  • PD

    I have one that sorta goes along with the Slayer comment jon made because I witnessed this at the Meshuggah/Cynic/The Faceless tour this past Sunday, it should go something along the lines of:

    If you’re shouting the name of the next band to play before the previous band has finished their set, you’re probably the biggest douchebag at the concert. Unless you’re in a band playing in a tour of that size, show some respect for bands even if you don’t like their music.

  • Powerslave

    My favorite is the guy who stands right up front in the pit w/his girlfriend and whenever anyone so much as bumps into him or his girlfriend, he goes apeshit and starts taking punches at everyone.

    Usually this guy is black out drunk and shirtless (violating rules 2 and 5). Fortunately, it typically ends with dipshit picking a fight with the wrong guys who ends up beating the shit out of him until his girl steps in and stops it. LAME!

  • http://www.myspace.com/yourmomsasmoothtalker jamie

    at a cleveland show several months back I came in contact with a dude who was guilty of number 2. granted, this kind of douchery is pretty normal around here (seriously dudes, you’re not on a hot tin roof, keep it covered) but this was a particularly bad case. this guy was like fucking chewbacca.
    it was as though he shaved his dog and pasted the fur to his back and chest.
    and, naturally, he was sweaty. and, of course he opted to stand in front of my lil ol’ self and start his own little moshpit. sweaty chewy all up on me does not make me happy.

    advice from this girl? unless my shirts off, leave yours on.

  • matt

    LOL, I’ll try to keep this list in mind for the Slipknot concert.

    Oh yea, I’m an honorary douche cause I’m wearing a Slipknot tee to the show tonight

  • http://www.crescentshield.com Dan

    You forgot…
    If you take your penis out during the show and try to rub on a chick standing in front of you, then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. (this happened to my sister one time and she decked the guy)

  • http://www.metalinjection.com Grim Kim

    #7. cave in
    #8. AMEN.

  • Sean

    You guys forgot one. Rule #5 needs an addition: Anyone who buys a tiny 8 dollar beer and doesn’t have the common fucking sense to take a swig to prevent spillage BEFORE trying to make it back to their spot in the crowd needs to have their beer drinking license revoked and their dick cut off.

    It’s beyond annoying how people who have a cup of beer act like it’s their God-given right to spill it all over everyone just because they are too fucking stupid to take ONE SIP to prevent this from happening. I don’t enjoy reeking of Budweiser on the drive home, just because some dipshit pussy doesn’t know how to handle a drink in public.

    {rant finished}

  • Matt

    Great list, I’ve got a few more:

    If you’re crowdsurfing and you either flail your legs constantly or try to stand on people’s hands, you’re probably the biggest douche bag at the concert.

    If you crowdsurf 10 times during one song, you’re probably the biggest douche bag at the concert.

    If you push little 5′ girls to the ground for a better spot at the barrier, you’re probably the biggest douche bag at the concert, and are due for an ass-whooping.

  • SourDeez

    I’m lovin the google ads on the side of the page. They’re all for douche products.

  • DemonicLemming

    Got one to add.

    If you’re dressed like you’re going to see Phil Collins, but you’re at a metal concert, you’re the biggest douche there.

    I went to see Nightwish in Lawrence, KS last year and thought I had gone to the wrong place at first – a fucking horde of pasty little white dudes standing around in sweaters and corduroy Dockers. What. The. Fuck. The half that didn’t run away with terrified expressions when the opening band came on spent the whole fucking concert standing there, not moving a fucking inch, doing nothing but pretending to be fucking wax models.

    IT’S A METAL CONCERT, YOU FUCKING TWAT, NOT A FUCKING COLLEGE GRADUATION CEREMONY. Put your fucking pocket protectors away and get your fucking devil horns out.

    Oh, and if you’re a fat chick and dressed all in black, with Spandex pants and a black undershirt (and nothing over it), you’re the biggest cunt at the concert. No one wants to be trapped in the Grand Canyon of cellulite cleavage on your chest, just because they slip on beer while headbanging.

  • dave

    I witnessed a mosh pit to The Noose by A Perfect Circle.
    I shit you not.

  • Old Skool Metal

    Number 8 Definetley! I absolutely HATE these assholes swinging their arms all around and kicking. Just go get in a fight already that’s not moshing, that’s gay emo crap, please die!

    I’m a douche ‘coz I go around yelling SLAYER! pretty much anywhere.

  • Nate

    YES YES YES! Thank you. Hopefully this will change some things… I”m seeing Mesh/Faceless/Cynic this Thursday and it’s gonna kick extra ass if people read this!!

    UH OH– I am #7 and #10!! Hahahah.

    All of these are so true… I went to a Metallica concert with Machine Head opening, and all the 40 year olds kept shouting “get off the stage!” like giant ass holes. Grow up– appreciate that MH is an awesome thrash band who has worked just as hard as anybody.

    And yeah, I was at the In Flames/Gojira/36crazyfists concerts and there were a ton of SHIRTLESS, KARATE-KICKING, NEW JERSEY PUNK ASSES! Goddam.

  • RobotScythe

    I was at a radio festival in the DC area a few years ago and a buddy’s band was playing there. They do ’80′s/70′s pop covers and a friggin mosh-pit broke out during a Journey song. Yes Journey. The pit and crowd-surfing continued throughout the rest of the set to such mosh-worthy tunes by U2, Boston and Van Halen. I guess who started it? Yep..shirtless fratboy jock douchebags.

  • http://www.myspace.com/bminekime enemyofgod72

    1000% agree with No 8. I love to wait for those fucktards to come by with their head turned and land a nice elbow to their temple. I know it’s a cheap shot but that’s what you get for being a douche of mammoth proportions.

  • Malacoda

    Powerslave is so damn right.

  • http://kingdomofnoise.blogspot.com Qella

    the most shirtless sweaty dudes I ever had the pleasure of being soaked by was at a Hatebreed show. followed a close second by another Hatebreed show.

    karate dancing to ANYTHING seriously pisses me off.
    save the crowd surfing for Woodstock.

  • http://kingdomofnoise.blogspot.com Qella

    sorry I forgot….SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ell

    Having a band’s shirt on over your original shirt at on of their concerts isn’t always douchey… what if you have nowhere else to put it and want to mosh? I don’t want to be clinging onto the merch I worked hard to push my way through the crowd for in the middle of a pit, fuck that.

    As for the list: A-fucking-MEN to the crowd surfing and karate chop ones. That is fucking annoying, especially when the vocalist of a band (I’m talking to you, Brian Fair, you asshole) EGGS THEM ON.

    Getting kicked in the face is not fun, ever. Neither is being crashed into while someone is flailing their stupid, skinny-jean-clad legs and arms around. Take off that faggy bandana around your head and you might be actually able to see where you’re going, cockhead.

    P.S. People with dreadlocks: often your hair is not even close to the cleanest thing on the planet. Can you please tie it up in a knot while in a mosh so people don’t get a faceful of your long, filthy, waxy hair? It’s fucking disgusting, regardless of how br00tal or whatever you think you look with hair like Dani Filth.

  • http://woot.com joe

    oh man…a Lambgoat diss. you must have thought of that insult for HOURS. Phew, my mind is blown.

  • HEAVYNIPPLEZ

    #11-if your at a heavy metal concert and continuously shot out “PLAY SPOON-MAN!!!”

    (PLEASE COMMIT SUICIDE ASAP)

  • March Hare

    I don’t get it, is this supposed to be funny?

  • LGMB

    This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever read.

  • http://www.lambgoat.com/mb OthersAndThenMyself

    fuck all of you faggots.

  • fuckthislist

    shit list. shit site

  • http://lambgoat.com/mb Lambgoat

    No care ever.

  • tom

    this website sucks shit…goodbye

  • http://www.myspace.com/jay234t Brutal Jay

    Needed to be said. Made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

  • deez_nutz

    karate(kickboxing) dancing to hatebreed is a given nobody head-bangs anymore…if you want to headbang go back home to mommies and daddies and listen to your stereo at obnoxious volumes in thier basement and headbang you douchebag fucks

  • deez_nutz

    hey old school metal nice typo in your name by the way… a quick question how the fuck is swinging your arms about “emo?” youd better learn your musical genres before you go shooting your mouth off… you douchebag fuck

  • Che Guitarra

    Wow, someones bitter. You’re right, yeah, but damn. Small penis issues a bit?

  • jxk

    haha. is this the lambgoat kiddies coming over to play again? should prove pathetically amusing.

    btw nice post axl.

  • diego colombia

    what about when those 10 year old kids are with their moms, and ocasionaly u hit them, and the mom start yelling at u for that!!!!

  • Johnny Ringo

    guilty of number 7….and somewhat proud!

  • xGabex

    /b/ would be outraged at the lack of original content here. Yawn.

  • Sam

    #9 for sure.
    I hate seeing more douche bags from New Jersey at a fuckin New York show. If you’re at a New York show and you spot someone who’s acting like a douche bag, they’re probably from Jersey.

  • benbag

    i remember seeing people mosh at and opeth show during the mellower parts of songs
    was lolz

  • SP420

    Lambgoat fucks this site in the ass in terms of quality everything.

  • Gaud

    #6… I just know this is going to happen on Thurs when Soilwork and Swallow the Sun are here. Fucking idiots.
    And I’ve definetly been at a few Opeth shows like stated.

  • RobotScythe

    To be fair I just went over and checked out the Lambgoat site and forum. And I feel dumber for the experience. The morons that have shown up on here from over there are the rule, not the exception.

  • mr_Izan

    I’m a douche. i regularly scream out “FREEEEEEEBIRRRRRRRD” at every concert. EVERY concert.

  • Matt

    Why is number 8 hated so much?
    yeah, i get that its ‘not cool’ to do or whatever and it’s not ‘metal’.
    But seriously who gives a fuck?

    Honestly people who do that actually use the rhythm of the music and shit and it actually has a pattern and goes with the music if you do it right.

    Its their way of letting out adrenaline just as much as you metalheads pushing eachother and its obviously widely accepted.
    So seriously, unless you have a real reason, stop hating on it, its annoying, i still don’t see why you care.

    Also, there are plenty of fights in those pits.

  • Hot Metal Chick

    What about the guy who isnt wearing a Tshirt- is sweating all over the place- and isnt wearing deodorant and has his arms up throwing the horns the entire time, all the while
    he is jumping up and down rubbing his nasty fat body against yours? Yea- theres room for that guy.

  • Mike Malice

    Unless you live near Western Massachusetts you don’t get the full effect of #8. Unfortunately you can’t win in pits, because if it isn’t a kid in a fitted cap and gym shorts who weighs all of 120 lbs. swinging his arms and legs around with people who’d rather not be punched in the face in radius its the 250 lb. metal guy in the pit proving how big and tough he is by smashing kids half his size.

    This is why I stand to the side and headbang, and if I want to get out adrenaline I’ll fuck my girlfriend.

  • Franco

    I dont care how hot it is, keep your shirt on, when everyone starts taking their shirts off, it gets:
    A. sweatier
    B. awkward for everyone
    C. gayer than Richard Simmons masturbating on Lance Bass’ shag carpet

    there should be no situation where someone has to be pressed up against a bunch of sweaty, fat, shirtless dudes

  • teababe27

    Awesome article.

  • sinistatroy

    its a verb … to shank

  • http://metalmartyr.com Metal Martyr

    “because if it isn’t a kid in a fitted cap and gym shorts who weighs all of 120 lbs. swinging his arms and legs around with people who’d rather not be punched in the face in radius its the 250 lb. metal guy in the pit proving how big and tough he is by smashing kids half his size.”

    I never liked the big fuckhead that stands in the middle with the “Mean Face” and kind of flexing, pushing people around as if he’s the fucking king of the pit. This is where you “Hardcore Dancer” come in…you can help the rest of us out by using your third degree black belt in Karate Moshery and…SWEEP THE LEG!!

  • Axolotl

    Less news, more posts like this.

  • You Don’t Know Me

    Hey! Being from Jersey, I can tell you that the only douchebags concert goers we have are Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen fans. Jersey metal fans are usually respectful at concerts outside of Jersey.

  • You Don’t Know Me

    Or let me rephrase that, SOUTH Jersey metal fans are not douchebags. North Jersey, I can’t speak for.

  • crapmcpoopin

    I’m from Jersey, originally Philly, and all i can say is Jersey kids are fucking posers and pansies. Especially hardcore kids. Including those taint licks from North Jersey.

  • killerkrayon

    #8 if your at a hardcore show or a metalcore show great man fuckin do the ninja shit roundhouse kicks and all that shit but if your at a deathmetal show where the songs are 200bpm dont fuckin do it know your place i dont mosh at a hardcore show dont fightdance at the deathmetal show ..

  • Paxl Rose

    #6 Check out Bon Jovi’s “Bad Medicine” video at 3:31:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWA28E0r_1c

  • Brandon

    #11…If your body naturally produces a gallon of sweat, and you take your shirt off to rub your bullshit everybody you get knocked into in the mosh pit and on the edges……..YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG…..Keep your shit to yourself

    #12…If you go into a mosh pit doing your fucking ninja kicks……you are a douche!!!!!

  • Brandon

    “Why is number 8 hated so much?
    yeah, i get that its ‘not cool’ to do or whatever and it’s not ‘metal’.
    But seriously who gives a fuck?

    Honestly people who do that actually use the rhythm of the music and shit and it actually has a pattern and goes with the music if you do it right.

    Its their way of letting out adrenaline just as much as you metalheads pushing eachother and its obviously widely accepted.
    So seriously, unless you have a real reason, stop hating on it, its annoying, i still don’t see why you care.

    Also, there are plenty of fights in those pits.”

    For me personally, I don’t like to get kicked/punched in the face for no apparent reason at a concert where I am trying to watch a band perform!!!!!! Anyone else agree???

  • Josh

    I live in New Jersey. Sorry if you douchebags have a problem that. :D

    I go to a majority of metal shows in NYC. I can’t stand going to shows in Jersey. There is barely any metal shows here (at least good ones). The community is full of those asshole mosh crews. Chances are, if you are not there to enjoy the show, you are just there to pick on the people around you. Those are the true douchebags. Impressionable pricks. You’re almost never guaranteed to find a good show with a good crowd where I’m from.

    I’m part of the solution.

  • Porkspam

    Don’t forget, well i haven’t seen this at shows to recently but it was bigger a few years back, but if you’ve gone to a show with a jason style hockey mask to “fuck shit up” in the pit.. then you my friend, may be a douchebucket

  • mike oxbig

    fuck all you fucks from ny and any area around nj ..here’s one for you if your such a douch that your getting kicked by pansie ass posers that you seem to think they are and are too much of pussies to do anything back or atleast find out were there from cuz your scared the answer is ..cuz it will be ny ..ny manhattan bk bx queens si don’t deserve to lick new jerseys frumunda cheese you fagot non metal pussys ..central jersey ..suck on this a one time

  • http://xhardtokillx.blogspot.com pacokiller

    I’ve done no 2. So I guess that makes me a douche ….hmmmm fuck i like show my tattos hahaaa

  • http://www.ncsasports.org college sports recruiting websites

    I don’t think Kanye should even be on this list. He didn’t cheat on his wife with a seemingly endless supply of hos, he’s not the asshole who’s on wellfare with thousands of dollars worth in plastic surgery injecting themselves with kids to add to the 6 that were already there, he didn’t screw his family over for a quick payday, he didn’t beat a hooker up, and he didn’t make a 6 year old lie to the police so he could get some more airtime. Was it a douchebag move: yes. Was he douchebag of the year: only if you’re in a Taylor Swift fan club