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BLACK METAL DR. SEUSS

 Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 at 10:43am by

dr. seussIn honor of the birthday of Mr. Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss, this past monday Illogical Contraption composed a quick poem about Norwegian Black Metal, inspired by the playful verse of the man himself.

In the kingdom of Norway, a far away land
You’ll find oh so many crap-tabulous bands!

There’s Darkthrone and Emperor, out on the fjords
All decked out in corpsepaint, with leather and swords!

There’s Gorgoroth, Burzum, and Mortiis to boot
Wearing his silly old skull-codpiece suit!

But first there was Mayhem, a quarrelsome group
Who looked hella evil but sounded like poop,

They burnt down some churches, they dug up some graves
Those black metal bozos just wouldn’t behave!

Varg killed Euronymous, Dead killed himself
It seems as though Metal was bad for their health!

Then Varg went to prison, turned into a Nazi
And changed his name lots of times, flippity-flopsy!

But black metal lived on, in spite of this shit
Murder and death didn’t work, not one bit!

If you listen closely, so late late at night
When the moon is all round and the wind is just right,

You’ll hear these same bozos, all singing along
Playing their flibbulous black metal songs!

[Thanks: Shelby Lermo]

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  • http://www.myspace.com/murderousperfection bloodjunkie

    lame

  • jamie

    ahaha
    fuckin a

  • http://metalmartyr.com Scott

    Lame? C’mon, dude. That was great.

  • Kye

    Funny…but seriously…does no one like black metal these days?

    That depresses me.

  • pooooooo

    black metal is for 13yr olds… anyone who likes cradle of filth to mayhem to pagan this and satan that… is ,well, a child.

  • Carl

    Hilarious poem, but black metal isn’t always about “satan” and even the bands that do sing about it arent singing about “satan” in the way that you know of “him”.

    You may not like listeing to straight black metal but respect that fact that the genre has inspired countless other kinds of metal bands even phil from Pantera.

    Hail Watain, Hail Sargeist.

  • seveword

    Not all black metal is “pagan this and satan that,” and there are lots of interesting thoughts and ideas behind the core black metal ideology. I enjoy the ridiculousness and the goofiness as much as I embrace the focus on oneself and the commitment to living a life free of the mental and physical chains that hamper so many others.

    It all comes from a common source and it represents my personal thoughts and beliefs about the way I live my life, so I don’t limit myself and I listen to any and all kinds of metal.
    Except power metal. That shit’s gay.

  • DemonicLemming

    Black metal has absolutely nothing to do with paganism. They toss some random shit in, sure, but that’s about the sum total of the connection.

    Always pisses me off to see people saying “pagan” when they have no real idea of what it means or entails.

  • http://salsicha.wordpress.com Gabriel

    Haha, funny! A good joke with those “true black metal” guys…

  • ughh

    Yeah, paganism is just a word created when the church started to describe the ritualistic folk practices of rural people.

  • Kevin

    I thoroughly enjoyed that poem. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Sam

    Aw, man. I love Norway, I’m proud of my Norwegian ancestry. But that shit is fucking hilarious!

    “But first there was Mayhem, a quarrelsome group
    Who looked hella evil but sounded like poop,”

    AHAHAHAHA!

  • SP420

    I love how this site lampoons a whole genre yet their own musical tastes are shit.

  • shreddies

    awesome and well written.

  • vegard

    makes me proud to be norwegian…well, with the exception of burzum i guess;)

  • Leprosy

    Immortal, the only good thing from norway

  • Kevin

    Wrong the best thing from Norway is Bamse Mums

    http://nidar.com/eway/default.aspx?pid=271&trg=Page_5665&Page_5665=5648:0:10,1810:1:0:0:::0:0

    ^^^^
    (For noobs who have no idea)

  • Raging Skull

    Black Metal music from different parts of the world is awesome. The poem is putting it down, but it’s all humorous. It was silly and that makes it fine.

  • http://ravishinggrimness.blogspot.com Grim Kim

    Funny as shit. Lighten up, dudes – I love black metal as much as (well, probably a billion times more than) the next girl, but this elicited plenty of chuckles.

  • http://IllogicalContraption Cobras

    Dang, I’ve been out of the loop for a couple days…
    This is Shelby. I run Illogical Contraption and wrote that poem. I had no idea MetalSucks had posted it until now.
    I’d just like to say: I like black metal alot. Like any musical genre, it’s got its good and its bad. But the REALLY BAD is the best part.
    Anyhow, lighten up. I like all the bands I mentioned in that thing. I was just having a goof. Thanks for the comments.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/Demigod1 Tyler

    “I love how this site lampoons a whole genre yet their own musical tastes are shit.”

    They didn’t write it, just posted it because it’s funny. Learn how to take a joke you fucking tard.

  • http://www.conorschaefer.com/blog/ Conor

    The meter needs work. Although it did sort of remind me of an inept black metal drummer sloshing out a shoddy blastbeat.