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...And Fuck You Too

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 Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 at 11:30am by

photo19

Top ten things for Varg Vikernes to do once he’s been released from prison after sixteen years:

  1. Make love to wife without supervision of prison guards.
  2. Take eighteen month old son on first church burning.
  3. Visit Euronymous’ grave. Piss on it.
  4. “Work on farm,” kill all animals and crops.
  5. Audition to be new lead singer for Velvet Revolver.
  6. Cash in on reunion mania, re-join Mayhem.
  7. Deep and meaningful Decibel cover story.
  8. Deep and meaningful Revolver story that will end up on page 26 because AFI had a new album coming out that month.
  9. Catch up on missed episodes of VH1′s I Love the 90s, wonder why he wasn’t included.
  10. Pitch life story as a Hollywood movie: The Tromsø Redemption.

-AR

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  • Kevin

    The combination of points 7 and 8 had me laughing pretty hard. Well done.

  • http://www.thedevilsdemons.com Vincent

    11. Steal a wood-grain station wagon and lead police in a low speed, family vacation-style, pursuit.

    Oh right…

  • http://www.hibernum.net hibernum

    12. Avoid Opthalamia at all costs!

  • http://www.metalsucks.net David Bee Roth

    13. Make a swastika crop circle at newly bought farm.

  • Sammy

    Sixteen years for murder and arson? Maybe we should stop complaining about our judicial system. If someone puts a bullet in his brain I don’t think mankind will be any worse off.

  • dthrasher

    Or maybe they have a prison system that promotes rehabilitation rather than gang behavior. Just sayin…

  • Sammy

    @dthrasher: Touche…for now…

  • http://laburroteca.com K-milo

    14 – vbs.tv documentary…

  • dicknballs

    You know maybe it’s just me but with the beard and that gay haircut, you could throw a pair of loafers on him and he’d fit right in on Cape Cod… very New England-ish. And I hear black metal is huge on Martha’s Vineyard in the fall….

  • teababe27

    # 8 is so true.

  • The dude

    #11 – get rid of all knives or burn the tips of his fingers so there are no fingerprints

  • alliaphagist

    I liked Varg in that Microsoft commercial

    “I’m a PC and I have a beard.”

  • Chuck

    15.) A movie about his life will be made where Jim Carey will play him and show the redemptive side of Varg.

  • Rob

    You forgot #11: Commit suicide in an appropriately hilarious manner, perhaps by stealing the preserved dong of Hitler and choking on it/suffering from an impacted bowel after repeatedly jamming it up his ass. You could throw Goebbels’ penis in there too, if only for fun.

    Also, look at that smile! It’s glad to see 16 years worth of hardcore gang rape hasn’t dampened Greven’s winning personality.

  • http://www.myspace.com/jay234t Brutal Jay

    Personally, I’m not a fan of black metal, but it’s always sad to see black on black violence.

  • ECS

    @dicknballs
    HAHHA! SO TRUE!!
    …And MVY is very metal in the fall.

  • iolanach

    “# dthrasher Says:
    March 10th, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Or maybe they have a prison system that promotes rehabilitation rather than gang behavior. Just sayin…”

    Yeah, i’m sure Varg has been thoroughly “rehabilitated”.

  • Eric

    Remember that time varg escaped and when they found him he had a car with a trunk full of guns

    OH VARG WHAT WILL YOU DO NEXT?!

  • Cory

    2252. Make a new Burzum album…maybe.

  • Mancubus

    Wow, they let this guy go free? What the fuck? At least YTMND will have a new fad about “secret Nazi church burnings” in a year.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/Demigod1 Tyler

    interesting.

  • metalmessiah

    Everyone’s comments are pretty funny.

    But look at that smile, the twinkle in his eye, this dude is evil. I gaurantee he will try and blow up that prison sometime within the next 6 years…

  • Chimp-O-Neg

    The guy is a fucking idiot.

    I did laugh at someone’s wiki-sabotage though:

    Varg “Big Bojangles” Vikernes[1] (IPA: [varg 'vi:keɳes]) born Kristian Larsson Vikernes on 11 February 1973 near Bergen, Norway) is a Norwegian country musician, convicted murderer and arsonist, and (former) far-right political activist. In 1991 Vikernes conceived the one-man music project Burzum, which quickly became prominent within the early Norwegian country scene. Later he became a prominent orgasmer for the Heathen Front and authored several writings on Germanic candies that were published in “various underground publications”.[2] In a documentary on sexual reproduction, he was described as “the most notorious pimp of all time”.[3]

    Having served almost 16 years of a 21-year prison sentence, it was announced on March 10, 2009 that Vikernes would be sentenced to death.[4]

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varg_Vikernes

  • crotchcricket

    Euronymous must have been a huge pussy to be killed by this guy. Varg looks as dangerous as Dakota Fanning in this picture.

    i hope Varg put’s out a new Burzum album, I haven’t laughed in a long time.

  • MetalMatt

    In the picture he looks like that uncle you have that smokes a pipe in the den. In a nice pair of slacks and wool vest.
    Which means, he’s a big pedophile.
    He stabbed a guy in the head!! and they are letting him out?
    At least he served 16 years, in North America he’d have been out after 5!

  • poooooooo

    let hope all black metal fans follow in his foot steps and decide to rot in jail..instead of rotting away at the mall…poor souls..

  • Drakodan

    Welcome back, Varg. Now get back to church burning and take me with you this time.

  • voke

    Get beat to death for being a shitbag Nazi.

    • m.

      imagine if every sexist and heterosexist bogan in metal was likewise beaten to death. i wager the scene would be very very small indeed. whatever you may think of his nationalist and racialist views his music is enjoyed by many. his views are hardly as contemptible as those expressed by the misogynist imbeciles that make up half the metal community. anyone who accomodates misogyny but weeps at the mere mention of nsbm is a hypocrite.

  • Croco

    This guy is nuts……. hey dickhead kristian vikernes,,,,, hail satan ha ha ha