MetalSucks

It was over a year ago that we first got the news that Bret Michaels was writing his autobiography (and by “writing,” I mean dictating to some dude named Shane Stanley who had to do all the actual work); the book, Roses & Thorns (nice title, schmucky), will now finally a get a release on June 23, according to People.com.

Granted, this will not be a good book. The chances that it’s as decent as The Dirt are pretty slim; hell, the chances that it’s as good as Slash are pretty thin (and even Slash was only okay). But, there is a lot of room for comedy here, especially if Michaels takes himself too seriously which, chances are, he will.

Here are things I’m looking forward to reading about in this tome:

1. Slash auditioning for – and not getting – the lead guitar gig in Poison.
2. Fighting off-stage with C.C. DeVille.
3. Fighting on-stage with Bobby Dall.
4. Finding out that Richie Kotzen fucked Rikki Rockett’s woman.
5. Anything involving the words “Blues Saraceno.”
6. The making of Michaels’ writing/directing/acting debut, A Letter from Death Row, co-starring… Martin and Charlie Sheen.
7. Diabetes.
8. Anything about any time Michaels was under the illusion he was in love.
9. The no doubt insanely brilliant artistic process by which he wrote the lyrics to “Unskinny Bop.”
10. Any defense whatsoever of Poison’s music as something beyond just glam/hair metal.

Seriously. This is gonna be the beach book of the summer.

-AR