THIS BLOG ENTRY IS POTENTIALLY INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE TO POLISH PEOPLE, OR ANYONE WHO RESPECTS POLISH PEOPLE
Friday, March 27th, 2009 at 11:00am by Axl RosenbergHOLY SHIT, THERE’S A BAND CALLED CRYSTAL VIPER.
And they look and sound more or less exactly the way you’d expect a band called Crystal Viper to look and sound.
Plus, they’re Polish, and their singer’s accent is so strong that at first I thought she was, in fact, singing in Polish.
(I know what you’re thinking. Does this make me a stoned idiot, or make the singer unintentionally hilarious? To which I say: Can’t it be a little of both?)
The singer’s name is Marta Gabriel, by the way, and the band’s MySpace page tells me she is “professional musician, 1st grade” (not “a professional musician,” mind you). I assume they mean she’s a been a professional musician since the 1st grade, but I suppose they could mean she’s a professional musician of the highest order. Again, the inadvertent hilarity of ESL.
Here are some other awesome things I learned about the band from reading their MySpace page:
- They has made at least one concept album, Curse of the Crystal Viper. Add the words Indiana Jones and the to the front of that, and you have a concept only slight less retarded than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
- No one in the band has a particularly Polish or even Eastern European name… except for the drummer. His name is Golem. If you don’t know what a golem is, read this.
- The ten year old in me who was both afraid of and inexplicably drawn to Iron Maiden album covers loves this:
In all seriousness: I know I’m ragging on this band, but everything about this discovery makes me happy. They are living the dream, God bless ‘em.
On a final note: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? Because the little old lady who knew the recipe died.
-AR
These guys arent that bad. I found it to be enjoyable.
I guess the bass player is not balding but just has a really high forehead.
the bass player is a klingon.
All this posting achieved was to fuel my prejudices about Americans. At least they are better than Scar Symmetry.
holy shit its half of greenpoint brooklyn!
That Marta chick is bangin
They have polish names, the ones on the MySpace are changed so it’s simpler for you English speaking douchebags :P
But I can officially say – I’m Polish (and live in Poland) and I wasn’t offended by this post.
For fans of Dragonforce and Children of Bodom
@ Fog: Actually, he just has a really low face.
Okay don’t make a statement like “only slight less retarded” when it should be “only slightLY less retarded”
And being Polish I wasn’t offended by this because Polish jokes are funny.
But there are no jokes about Jews cuz they’re all true.
@ Fog and Bucketofpoultry: I have two words for you: hair karma.
professional musician, 1st grade…What! no one has ever made it to that level. That babe must have some serious pipes.
They look funny and they sound funny…
I’m not offended at all.
This has nothing to do with the post, I just thought I should mention that I love the advertisements for Kings of Leon and Now That’s What I Call Power Ballads!
that is a GREAT promo pic! I love it!
actually is a fine bands.. if you are in a mood for power metal you’ll love them..
first thing i notice about the band was the skullet or somewhat a 5-head, no fore-head about it. he must be dev’s brother.
Your post is another step of Jewish hate-campaign against Polish nation! From now on I will read this blog with utmost disgust while holding the Polish flag and singing the national anthem! To assert my patriotism I will end this comment with the Second Most Known Polish Phrase: Na Zdrowie!
ps. The joke at the end is funny.
ps.2 I still hate you!
First thing I thought of when I saw the bass player
http://i2.iofferphoto.com/img/item/660/755/96/o_rG9PBISSUXkmy6l.jpg
The drummer looks like Howie Mandel
Wow,
ummm … tits.
Q: how do you know a polaks been to your house?
A: Someone ate the garbage and your dog is knocked up
psshh, this wasnt offensive at all
p.s. vader and decapitated more than make up for this
reading this just made me more prejudiced against europeans
I found the music to be NOT that bad…I liked it!
I see the “chessyness” ov it, but then again, Power/Heavy Metal has to have that sense of “chessyness” that I find cool. Hence Primal Fear, Metallium, Jag Panzer, Riot, Hammerfall…I really like all these bands. Now can I get a (in falsetto vocal) HEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAVVVYYYYYY MEEEEETEEETAAALLL!
Polish people are always seeking American recognition, either through their work or now this music band. They want the bling, bling, bling….! What’s interesting is that they are the worse culture on the planet, they discriminate towards everybody that is not white; but, are they white. No, they are not.
I find it interesting that they come to America, yes, the U.S. on a visa, get their student visa and remain here going to school forever in the U.S. to maintain their status here; they are no competition for us because the can’t understand the english language and if they speak it, it’s so broken and everything is misunderstood on their part causing arguements daily. They speak to one another harsh, but, they forget they cannot speak that way to Americans. This is why they only work within their cultural communities and don’t branch out into Corporate America because the moment they do what they do to one another they are terminated on the spot. They lose customers everyday and don’t understand why Americans don’t lose customers in our businesses. They come here in numbers and think they are taking our jobs; NOT. What’s interesting is that they are their own worse enemy in the U.S. with the exception of those that were born and raised here; now, they are Americans.
These guys are quite popular in Germany & Japan, they shared the stage with acts like MANOWAR, ANVIL and BLITZKRIEG!!! And the cover artwork is fantastic: 200% HEAVY METAL, arghhh!!! Go and listen to your slipknot mp3 files, bitch ;)))