MetalSucks

Is this a news site?

No.

Are you journalists?

No. We’re bloggers.

Why do you report the news in such a biased way?

Because we don’t report the news. We’re bloggers, not journalists. If you’re getting your world news from The Daily Show, you’re an idiot. If you’re getting your metal news from us, you’re an idiot.

Don’t you have anything better to do than be so negative all the time?

Actually, yes, but we enjoy being negative.

What are your real names?

Vincent Neilstein and Double-Jew Axl Rosenberg.

No, seriously, what are your real names?

Fuck you.

Will we ever see your real faces?

Probably sooner than you think.

Where the hell is Kip Wingerschmidt?

He lives in a very secluded corner of the MetalSucks Mansion and comes out only when he deems it necessary, like the smoke monster on L O S T.

Why do Corey Mitchell, Gary Suarez and Anso Di Frances get to post under their real names?

We ALL post under our real names. Were you not paying attention before?

Do David Bee Roth and Sammy O’Hagar get along?

The DBR and SO’H wings of the MetalSucks Mansion are so far apart, they’re technically in different countries. So they’ve yet to have had a run-in.

Which metal star is the name “Satan Rosenbloom” supposed to parody?

Yours, numb nuts.

Whatever happened to Anton OyVey?

He moved out of the mansion and back to the shtetl. And by “shtetl,” we mean Bacon Jew and Kosher Klothing.

What does Dallas Coyle’s dick taste like, you cock suckers?

General Tso’s chicken. Go figure.

Will you give a message to Peter Dolving for me?

Do we look like a fucking answering service?

When I read a post where the author is just “MetalSucks,” who actually wrote that?

Sometimes Axl, sometimes Vince, sometimes just the Ghost of Elijah.

Are all the writers on MetalSucks really just one person?

Don’t be a moron.

Why don’t you have more musicians like Dallas, Dolving, Sacha, the Mikes, etc. write blogs for the site?

We’d love to. Unfortunately, most musicians are not also writers. Also, most successful musicians have very busy lives of their own, and blogging for us can’t be a priority. Also, lots and lots and lots of people SAY they’re going to write for us, and then never actually follow through. Oh well.

Is there really such a place as the MetalSucks Mansion?

If you have to ask that question, you’re a retard.

Are there really such things as the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys?

If you have to ask that question, you’re a retard.

Do you guys think you’re funny or something?

Yes.

Will you stop talking about politics already?

Probably not.

Will you stop talking about being Jewish so much?

Probably not.

But I think politics and religion have no place in metal!

Good for you. Feel free to start your own website.

Will you stop overhyping bands you like?

Probably not.

Will you stop talking so much shit about bands you hate?

Probably not.

But I’m so tired of reading about such and such a band!

Then don’t read the posts about such and such a band.

Doesn’t it bother you that if you don’t do what I say I’m going to stop visiting the site?

Not especially, no.

How dare you criticize. How many records have you sold?

How many websites have you started?

I think your site sucks, what do you think of that?

We think there’s like eight million other metal sites you can visit.

I think you guys are fagits, what do you think of that?

We think you should learn to spell “faggot.”

How dare you call your site MetalSucks? METAL ROOLZ!!!

Yes, we agree. The name is tongue-in-cheek. You are an idiot. And that statement is not meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

Why don’t you like my favorite band?

Everything on this site is just a matter of opinion. We don’t agree with each other half the time. The fun of MetalSucks is the debate. Our opinion isn’t law.

Why don’t you hate my least favorite band?

Everything on this site is just a matter of opinion. We don’t agree with each other half the time. The fun of MetalSucks is the debate. Our opinion isn’t law.

Why do you swing from such and such a label’s nuts?

We have friends who work at/with many of the different labels, but there’s no label where we haven’t talked shit about their bands as much as we’ve praised their bands. You can try and debate us on this statement, but given that we actually wrote all the articles on this site, our knowledge of what we have and have not said is considerably greater than yours.

Why haven’t you reviewed such and such an album yet?

Have you heard the album? Do you have an opinion about it? Then who gives a shit what we think?

But what if I actually haven’t heard the album, don’t have an opinion, and really need to know what you think before I can decide if it’s worth my time or not?

Then please try to keep in mind that there are only seven days in a week and only twenty-four hours in a day and we have girlfriends and friends and families and pets and wanna go to concerts and wanna go to the movies and wanna watch L O S T and need to eat, sleep, and shit just like everyone else, and consequently  just don’t have time to write about every band’s every release. Sorry.

How can you like mainstream bands like Slipknot and tr00 bands like Wolves in the Throne at the same time?

We also like Die Hard and Godard in equal measures. Go figure.

What website was the biggest inspiration for MetalSucks?

The Hun.

Where do you guys get your ideas from?

Weed. And The Hun.

Can I write for your site?

Send us a writing sample and we’ll have a look. Remember it’s MetalSucks, not Cat Fancy Magazine, so if it’s not entertaining, don’t bother.

I sent you a writing sample and never heard back, what does that mean?

Guess.

So you’re saying I’m a shitty writer?

Not at all. We’re just saying we don’t think you’re a good fit for MetalSucks.

I want a MetalSucks t-shirt, is there someplace I can get one?

Not yet but soon.

When will you announce the winners of such and such a contest?

When we get to it.

Can I send you my crappy unsigned band’s crappy demo?

You can send it and we promise we’ll listen. We do NOT promise that you’ll get feedback. We do NOT promise that we’ll write about it. Be grateful.

I wanna tell you about this awesome band, can I?

Send us an e-mail with a link to someplace we can hear the band and we promise we’ll listen to it. We do NOT promise we’ll write about them, though.

I want you to link to my crappy website, will you?

Will you tickle our asshole and call us “Mary?”

I want to submit news, can I?

Can you please make sure we haven’t already written about it before you do?

I wanna sucks you guys dicks off, can I?

Send pictures and we’ll have a look.

When will Lake Bukkake’s long awaited reunion album, Chinese Bukkacy, finally come out?

Oh, we wish we knew!!!

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at MetalSucks