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Contests

FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A SUNN O))) DOUBLE DISC VINYL SET!

 Thursday, May 28th, 2009 at 5:30pm by

funny picture of kid in toiletLast week’s funny photo caption contest offered one of the biggest and baddest prize packages yet — a ginormous package of stuff featuring Children of Bodom’s entire discography and a ton of other shit from Spinefarm Records — so it’s fitting that we got a shit-ton of funny entries. But the winning caption to the photo at right, posted by Julian, is:

“Look Ma, I’m Chris Cornell’s career!”

This week we’re giving away a double disc vinyl set of the latest Sunn O))) release Monoliths and Dimensions, the CD of which hit stores this week. Thanks to our friends at Red Indie Metal for supplying this week’s prize (follow them on Twitter @REDINDIEMETAL). Don’t be silly and miss out on this opportunity to have this limited edition vinyl for free! Just come up with the funniest caption to the below photo and you’ll end up with a very nice package in the mail sometime soon.

black metal kids

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  • simplyhorrible

    king diamond’s semi-retarded cousin; prince fatasfuck.

    • Mike

      I don’t think this needs a caption, it speaks for itself. You can almost see the words coming from his face

  • simplyhorrible

    true kvlt black metal didn’t die…it was eaten.

  • http://www.myspace.com/whiskeyrambleproject x101whiskey_ramble101x

    overcompensating for what?

  • Deathmetalmario

    Founder of the new black metal live action role playing game strutting his stuff

  • simplyhorrible

    dear sir,

    please wash your face and return to your job at the Target snack bar. you’re embarrassing me.

    signed,
    satan

  • FUCKYOU!!

    King diamonds really let himself go-I mean hiring mexican guitarists thats low

  • ttttpppp

    an emerging new genre: fattened black metal

  • simplyhorrible

    “ya know what? i’m gonna eat this staff…and then that guy with the guitar.”

  • http://www.reigninblonde.com JJ

    Well, it looks like Varg Vikernes is back to his old ways now that he’s out of prison. Instead of murder, he decided to just eat the remaining members of Mayhem in one gulp. Brutal.

    • MummyMayhem23

      Greatest.Post.EVER..ahh fuck..This one should win hands down

    • jamie

      amen

  • http://schenkeltown.blogspot.com Daisy May Tinklepants

    black metal titans D-Moose Boar-Gear

  • Majestic Ice Unicorn

    While most of the bands declined to perform on stage after hearing they would be paid in Dunkin’ Donuts gift certificates, the lead singer of Cream Filled Cadaver was more than happy to go on!

  • Go Pens!

    I didn’t know Legion of Doom were into death metal.

  • keith c

    Billy Milano just finished a bowl of Celtic Frosted Flakes and is now ready to rock with his new band.

    • oblivion

      SOD FTW! but i think this guys a big and i mean BIG gwar fan .

  • SourDeez

    After years of putting up with church burnings and murders, God became angry at Varg Vikernes and the black metal scene, so he sent Chris Farley back to earth for revenge.

  • Timothy Plague
    • Dee

      No, no it’s not. Go look up Detsorgsekalf.

  • canea

    I come for your jellybeans. But only the black ones.

    • Meat

      LOL

  • Sofa King

    “From satan rose a BLACKEND HAM”

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    His guitar tuning is the same as his cup size, D

    • FUCKYOU!!

      I smell a win…….

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Somebody’s gobbled up one too many Axl Rosenberg pizzas

    • http://www.myspace.com/437666934 Noel

      hehe. you read this site often.

  • http://www.myspace.com/ironhorsepower Patrick

    BEEFCAKE!

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Bring me Solo and the Wookiee, they will all suffer for this outrage

  • Name Not Applicable

    Hey, Grashnap, could you help me? I think I’ve got corpsepaint in my eye and my arms can’t reach my face anymore.

  • Nate Schwartz

    Pushing their hatred of God even farther, black metallers are now dipping into ALL of the deadly sins… Even the less badass ones…

  • tom cash

    This guy got a bulk discount on the corpsepaint.

  • Conduit

    TAD of Sanity

  • The Rooktrocity

    The bastard child of Skeletor and the Stay-Puft marshmallow man applies his corpsepaint with a roller.

    • \m/Eluveitie\m/

      This Mr. Stay Puft’s okay! He’s a sailor, he’s in New York…we get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble

  • Anger Unmanagement

    Your fatness is giving me diabetes.

  • ‘lil billy

    And now to pillage the local Lane Bryant!

  • damn straight

    After appearing with Kiss on American Idol, Adam Lambert’s life was never the same.

  • major

    YOU

    SHALL NOT

    PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH

  • Malacoda

    It turns out that Jackson Rathbone was the vocalist of a black metal band before he appeared in the movie “Twilight”.

  • dthrasher

    Lightning Bolt!

  • MrC

    Bring on the trumpets!

  • http://outthrowingroses.blogspot.com/ Matt

    Santa, the rest of the goddamn year, lets loose, shaves the beard, and sings about fucking a dragon or two.

    • Anger Unmanagement

      Fucking a dragon? thats actually got me horny

  • http://johnnybegood johnnybegood

    Rosie O’donnels second carreer choice after the view, was far less succesfull

  • Only Deaf is Real

    I made you a totally unremarkable, cliche-ridden black metal band, but I eated the bassist….

  • Hammersmashedbass

    The true meaning of “Black Mass”

    • Tim

      WIN.

    • http://www.heavyblogisheavy.com Jimmy

      o lawd

      • Fufkin

        I like it!

  • Leo

    Proof that world of warcraft makes people stupid

  • bob

    VH1′s Behind the Music
    Dimmu Borgir Pt.1 : The Early Years

  • http://www.myspace.com/northwestroyale Blake

    The guitarist looks sad because he hasn’t eaten in days… wonder why.

  • Col.Sanders

    Napoleon Dynamite 2: No Country For Death Metal

    —
    ? – Could work, set it in a border town of Texas and that fat kid would be sweating his, well painted face, off.

    And why tuck the shirt in?

  • bob

    thanks for ruining Edge Of Sanity for me now. Will have to throw out my copy of Crimson II…

  • los

    Drummer: I have a radical idea: we’ll cross the strings.
    Guitar Player: You said crossing the streams was bad!
    Drummer: Not necessarily. There’s definitely a *very slim* chance we’ll survive.
    Guitar Player: I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!

  • Bronson

    cookie monster vocals: here we go raiders here we go

  • http://www.pandasdestroy.com jorbams

    “My armor has a 30-40% Girl Repellent effect as well as adding +4 to my affinity of enjoying Trans Fats. Zounds!”

    • Ivanhoe

      Win

  • Astral Zombie

    We’ve unearthed a clip of the fabled, long lost Family Guy black metal episode.

  • Z

    Black-metal band Kvlt Kvvkies’ first show was a success. They celebrated with donuts afterwards.

  • MackYourFace

    True American Black Metal.

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    All shall bow before the Dork of Lardness!

    • brookh

      beauty

  • chuckles

    The Panda Bear escaped from the zoo!!!!!!!

    This guy is so fat he gave Sunn O))) inspiration for the new albums name.

  • Seth

    haha it’s Jabba the Gut

  • Robert

    Chris Farley resurrected

  • nick

    “… And so finally the troll wizard Blackham (vox) and his trusty sidekick Dab, Son-of-Swano, (guitar, vox, drums, keys, and occasional kazoo) hath reached the the stage of yore to play so that the gods might see fit to renegotiate the terms of their mortgage. Ye, they did see fit… and Blackham rejoiced.”

  • GoatRidersHorde

    That is one PUMPED! mopey panda bear.

  • poopsmcgee

    that is one high-quality shirt! look how much it can stretch! wow! i am sincerely impressed!

  • anathema

    Chris Farley, before he hit it big on SNL.

  • gill

    Casting call for the new hit reality T.V. show “Biggest Loser: Metal Edition”.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    The new series of wide angle lenses from Nikon

  • Poop in the grave

    The key to getting this fat is to get every member ever of Immortal, squeeze them together, oh and the feet, the feet must be very tiny, because fat people have little feet. And for the make-up, just shmear a black and white cookie all over the jowls and sweaty fucking forehead. Then push the result out of a 20 story window because it is hilarious when fat people fall and die.

  • cookie

    “I said a large slim jim , fucker!”

  • follow4now

    iwrestledabearonceandatehim!

  • Mike

    Dino Cazares decides to start a new side project Black Metal band.

  • Sam

    BEST. SUMMER. EVER!

  • Tanner

    Black Metals biggest fan: Behe-Mouth with Carlos Mencia on Guitars

  • Jason C

    John Goodman’s new metal band, Burnt Burger Black.

  • Steve L

    “Hi, my name is Sven and I’m an alcoholic.”

  • http://www.heavyblogisheavy.com Jimmy

    And then darkness reigned down upon the buffet line.

  • ilovelesbians

    Black Metal Has Never Been This Fat!!!

  • Uglymicrowave

    Krispy Kream Kvlt Kore

  • Josh Gonzalez

    Gaahl…before he went on Nutrisystem.

  • Leprosy

    hey quarmire, remember that one time i was in that black metal band?

  • steve

    HAKEEM OLAJUWONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

  • Chad E. Death

    Shit i thought this was a LARPING convention !!!!!!

  • pandemicon

    the john wayne gacy and richard ramirez prison band

  • Bloodypuppet

    Gene Simmons didn’t take the sex scandel well.

  • bananaterracottapie1

    The emancipation ov satanic mysticity…..and Burger King! RAAAAAAWWR!!!

  • LuciferSam

    Too nerdy for the Football team….
    Too metal for the Sci Fi club…..

    Took his hate for both and made it metal…..

  • Julian

    SO PURE… SO COLD

    TACOBELLION HUNGERRRRRRR!!!!!

  • ohshitson

    after years of pizzas and beers, he grew to become nathan explosion.

    • \m/Eluveitie\m/

      He’s spent wayyy to much time in the food libraries

    • http://www.myspace.com/cobhc13 Lauren

      this joke is dildos.

  • Mithila

    Do you want me to write my joke about the fat guy, or the brown in guy in the back with un-corpse paintedd ears?

    p.s- that is my joke

  • Mike

    Fat guy: hey man, my mascara’s running!
    Guitar: Shut the fuck up, i’m trying to play Smoke on the Water…

  • Nick

    It’s kvlt koopa.

  • http://www.myspace.com/doubledragonheavymetal Double Leroy

    adam D before Killswitch!

  • Gravespawned

    Instead of headbanging on stage, Gluttonous Antichrist’s lead singer likes to do the truffle shuffle.

  • Monya Y

    Gene Simmons if he did Black Metal. God help us all.

  • Pluto

    “The new Limp Bizkit album comes to fruition.”

    • Pluto

      oh, damn, that was last weeks…

      for this weeks:

      … umm. I got nothing

  • Epiphany_Lost

    Behold Chuck Billy in his new local black metal cover band: Sorcery Incarnate!

  • Tyler

    Does this corpse paint make me look fat?

  • Walker

    Some bands take the whole “our heaviest record yet” bit WAY too far!

  • Jennifer Carman

    “What Piledriver CDs?”

  • Santa Claus

    Santa Claus’s little brother. Black metal Claus.

  • Uglymicrowave

    HOLY SHIT…that is NOT cool…Who took this picture of me?….How did this get online?….This is me…no fucking joke…holy shit…

    Not cool…

    That’s me and my band….

    • Oderus Jr

      That’s not you, the guys in that band are actually very aware of this contest. Stop being an attention whore. Douche.

  • broseph

    all hail the fat wizard and his bitch tito!

  • Boob

    “After 3 years on the island and no answers, Hugo “Hurley” Reyes turned to the only truth he could find: Trve Norwegian Black Metal”

    • jamie

      YES
      LOST

      • jamie

        During a flashback, the writers of Lost reveal the ultimate cliffhanger – Hurley and Sayiid were once band mates.

  • zmh26

    After getting out of prison, Varg Vikernes let himself go a little bit in his preparation for the Blackest of the black tour in order to disguise himself to finally finish the job he started in 1993. He started by eating King Diamond as well as Immortal

    • zmh26

      blackened fest, my bad

  • Tim

    Possible band names: (Leg of)Lamb of God, Lord Belly-al, Mayham, Morbid(ly obese) Angel, Symphony XXXL, Meatallica, As I Lay Sweating, Celtic Frosting.

  • Phil

    Gwars newest targetted character. the gut-banger

  • Brian

    LAY DOWN YOUR ROLLS TO THE GODS TO THE GODS ROCK AND ROOLLLLL!
    FAT METALLLLL!

  • danny

    *random crowbar joke*

  • DJ Arnold

    Proof that Meatloaf is a metal head.

    or

    Black Metal Buffet. All you can eat with music by the The Weight of the Tumefy with lead singer Glutton the Ravenous.

    or

    Black Metal is not THAT slimming dude, seriously.

    or

    Carnivore Corpse Paint sponsored by International Federation of Competitive Eating – IFOCE.

    or

    Poor Bubba was never the same after he done got possessed by the evil spiriteds of the McDonald’s. Lookins like he’s done super-sized hisself.

  • xCOOCOOKALx

    1349…pounds.

  • ell

    The Pillsbury Doughboy’s retarded younger brother. “Hey ma, look, all my friends from WoW are here!”

    (“…That’s nice, dear. Another doughnut?”)

  • terrybeans84

    fatmetal

  • christian

    “Off to the White Castle!”

  • Jay

    He looks totally like “I’m singin’, I’m dancin’, most every night
    I want to do that with you babe”

  • Anger Unmanagement

    I Am The Fat Wizards

    • DanyLektro

      Well played, good sir XD

  • Shane Gillis

    I don’t get it. All my friends said “form a band, get pussy.” Do I look like I’ve fucked anything other than a pot roast in the past 3 years?

  • Xose

    Der mysteriis dom Fathanas.

  • Brandon

    Looks like Euronymous ate more than just Dead’s brain……

  • http://www.myspace.com/detsorgsekalf Rab

    This is not a comment for the contest but seriously i love this

    That fat man is me i am the vocalist for the Tr00est band ever Detsorgsekalf

  • Chimp-O-Neg

    Auditions for ‘American False Idol’ begin in earnest.

  • Patrick R.

    Gwar: The Elvis Era

  • Joshua

    One does not simply walk into Mordor, we have to stop at Krispy Kreme first.

  • kenchan13

    for whom the taco bell tolls

    • Double D

      HAHA! Nice one!

  • timmah

    Poster boy for Del Taco’s metal ad campaign

  • Mutt Weiler

    It’s new Metalsucks sensations IHAVENTSEENMYDICKSINCEWATERGATE.

  • Chris

    NUMA-NUMA-NGRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

  • rabidguttertrash

    Afternoon everybody….NORM !!!
    George Wendt Sure let loose after his long run on CHEERS !!!
    and the poor El Hefe looking sap looks afraid like Big Boy is going to Eat Him !!!
    Ham On The Bone Is Mine !!! \m/ \m/

  • hater_guy

    The sign outside clearly says “NO PARENTS ALLOWED!!!”

  • sandedfaceless

    Originally, he only used white makeup, but people kept mistaking his face for a toilet seat.

  • elevendy

    quick – take me to Dimmu Burger, i dropped below 666lbs.

  • Anger Unmanagement

    “I eat metal”

  • jonowev

    “Varg had put on alot of weight during his time in prison”

  • http://www.mmacomments.com Eric M

    “Slipknot’s cool”

  • TurdFerguson

    The World’s Biggest Raider’s Fan was so excited that his team finally won a game that he climbed the stage at a Hellhammer cover band show.

  • DanyLektro

    YOU – SHALL NOT – PASS!

  • http://dxferris@yahoo.com ferris

    … less well known is the Jolliest of the Jolly tour.

  • Sean Pulatie

    Dude. Are we at the right party???

  • http://infernalnoize.blogspot.com Wayniac

    Tardthrone – Supersized Black Metal

  • Eric

    I am the necrowizard. Which way to the grim and frostbitten gay bar?

  • http://www.welovemetal.com We Love Metal

    - What a night! Where the hell am I?

  • Brandon

    Phil Margera’s new band CKYamidresseduplikethis

  • jeffb34

    This is an image of a boss from the new game, “Super Mario Brothers: Sons of Northern Darkness – Euronymous’ Revenge.” This game is only on the new WiiTrueKvlt Video Game system coming to stores June 6th.

    • http://www.myspace.com/detsorgsekalf Rab

      I vote you win

  • justin

    apparently grimace from mcdonald’s has a moonlighting gig.

  • The Dude

    Fat black metal dudes destroy stripper poles

  • Mr Sexy Fat Guy

    “Oceano on Halloween – STILL pretending to be metal…”

  • Tex

    Most black metal vocalists use a scythe on stage to look scary. This one uses it to harvest his lunch.

  • Dvd

    Hurley see’s dead people.

  • CmdrSmirnoff

    In my kingdom cold,
    On the fridge-shelf of madness,
    unending Pepsi,
    these calories which I heart.

  • http://www.myspace.com/tomfrenette Tom

    more brutal than metallica

  • Samuel

    BRITNEY SPEARS AFTER A REHABILITATION

  • Vinnie

    “Sancho Jag Panzer! I, Don Xasthur, The Man of La Munchies, have uncovered our next quest! Quick! A song to lead us into true kvlt adventure!!”
    “Si, Don Xasthur.”

  • ChoneBone

    Former Raiders offensive lineman starts career as black metal singer only to find that the upside down crosses he painted on his face bear a striking resemblance to male genitalia. When questioned about this, he responded “I thought it was appropriate seeing as how I lost my microphone under these here jelly rolls.”

  • charlie

    I WANT TO KVLT!

  • kylemurder

    god seed promotional shoot

  • Tyler

    As you can see the Norwegian Kool-aid man is slightly different from his American counterpart.

    • \m/Eluveitie\m/

      This should win

  • Poop in the grave

    “Fattle of the Bands!”

    “Transilvanian Hungry . . . still. Even after eight luther burgers.”

    “Fatyricon!”

    “Fattila Csihar on vocals.”

    ” A Glaze(d donut) in the Northern Sky.”

  • Poop in the grave

    “De Mysteriis Dom Deluise Sathanas”

  • Matt Jenkins

    20 years ago an Oakland Raiders fan had sex with a Juggalo and this abomination was the result.

  • Cory

    You must be THIS kvlt to pass!

  • boardupthehouse

    Age progression photo of Dead and Euronymous had they lived to see the new millenia.

  • john gally

    I AM THE NEW BURGER KING MAN

  • john gally

    WHO SAYS YOU CANT EAT METAL

  • john gally

    FRED DURST DRESSING UP AS WES BORLAND

  • Darcy

    “This next one is our version of a Nargaroth song… FAT METAL, PLEASE FEEEEEED!!!!”

  • LES

    The Worlds Heaviest Band

  • http://www.kingdomofnoise.blogspot.com MetalMatt

    As you can see, Varg took full advantage of the generous meal plan in prison.

  • Maiden Hell

    I’d rather listen to these guys then Sunn 0))).

  • Tyler

    It’s the #1 band on the new Metalsucks.Net List! Anti-ClimaX!

  • Joe

    Gaahl’s new replacement in gorgoroth.

  • Harpy

    Move over Chickenfoot…..the new supergroup composed of members of Gwar and King Diamond…….ChickenLard!

  • JoshBrogan

    GRANDMA; WHAT WAS IT LIIIIIIIKE

  • kirstie

    Right, who’s for pudding?

  • Jim

    “Sorry Jose I just can’t stop laughing, I can still smell that last fart”

  • EsotericMetal

    This is what happens when you don’t make obscure black metal shirts larger than an XL.

  • EsotericMetal

    This photograph was among others recently declassified by Music Man.

  • Metal Matt

    John Pinette’s next Broadway gig would, yet again, find him wearing a fat suit.

    OR

    “…and you thought the drummer was hard to see in OTHER bands.”

  • Dick Brucinson

    What do you get when you cross Burger King and King Diamond?

  • 2kvlt4u

    ‘Thanks or coming. Please support our sponsors; Halloween Super Store, Liberty Medical and the Defib Depot.’

    • 2kvlt4u

      Sorry ‘Thanks for coming’…

  • http://reaper-x.deviantart.com/ Reaper-X

    When you said “Big Black Metal Band”

    I thought you meant like Immortal..or…you know…Emperor…

    NOT THE FUCKING MICHELIN MAN AFTER 30,000 MILES OF TRAVELING!

    WE’VE GOT THE STA-PUFT MARSHMALLOW CORPSE!

    What’s so grim and dark about a this black mass? His stomach after fifty seconds of digestion?

    I bet you they’re from Canada.

  • http://666 METAL4EVER

    that aint metal…thats some fat guy who s probably gay…
    here is a link…this is metal (brutal death)not that shitty fat gay boy…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTpQOZcNASw

  • elliott

    when i said i wanted a pigs head for a stage decoration… that dosent mean you have to eat the rest of it for a before consert snake…

  • peach

    this is the skinniest dude we could find who listens to black metal

  • cosk…

    FUCK YEAH!!! John Goodman is in a metal band…… Ive waited for this my whole life.

  • dark_minister

    Fred Durst gone metal!

  • Chimp-0-Neg

    Elvis: the Norwegian Years.

  • Cowboy From Hell

    Celtic Frost-ING!!!!!!

  • Frederick Squier

    I am so excited, at last the Metal shop is carrying my size Humongous XXXXXXL.

  • Frederick Squier

    Last photo taken before the fatal question “Does anyone have an after dinner mint? They are wafer thin”.

  • http://chroniclesofchaos.com Daniel Cairns

    After her loss in Britain’s got Talent, Susan Boyle rethinks her career.

  • http://reaper-x.deviantart.com/ Reaper-X

    “We prefer the term Obese Metal…we’re obviously more than heavy.”

  • Scott Danger

    Chris Farley isn’t dead, he’s just been laying low in Norway under the name Christoffer Farlensen.

  • cctgsg

    KISS circa 2020

  • Prezident Madagascar

    Season[strike]s[/strike]ing [strike]in[/strike] the O[strike]A[/strike]b[strike]yss[/strike]ese

  • Prezident Madagascar

    goddamned… should be a joke about SODs Seasoning the Obese.

  • MoeThirteen

    He sings evil pissed of lyrics about having Diabetes.

  • bearwizard

    necrolard

  • Screwy

    Taking RuneScape to the next level

  • http://myspace.com/psychomike420 PsYcHo MikE Brown

    Are You Sure Gene Simmons Started This Way????? besides I’ve Already Eaten Paul!

  • http://myspace.com/psychomike420 PsYcHo MikE Brown

    Now THAT’Z HEAVY METAL!!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/whiskeyrambleproject x101whiskey_ramble101x

    Bam talked Danny Filth into letting he and his dad, Phil, open for C.O.F…. epic fail

  • Demogorgon

    The grand winner of the Black Metal Sumo Wrestling World Champs

  • snagon

    Man what is Dan Swano these days Dan Sumo?

  • callum

    The only know photo of Vince Neilstein.

  • callum

    *I MEAN*: The only known photo of Vince Neilstein

  • brandonmetal

    dark lord, i call thee!
    i wish vengeance upon the popular kids!..and i hate my parents!