FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A SUNN O))) DOUBLE DISC VINYL SET!
Thursday, May 28th, 2009 at 5:30pm by Vince Neilstein
Last week’s funny photo caption contest offered one of the biggest and baddest prize packages yet — a ginormous package of stuff featuring Children of Bodom’s entire discography and a ton of other shit from Spinefarm Records — so it’s fitting that we got a shit-ton of funny entries. But the winning caption to the photo at right, posted by Julian, is:
“Look Ma, I’m Chris Cornell’s career!”
This week we’re giving away a double disc vinyl set of the latest Sunn O))) release Monoliths and Dimensions, the CD of which hit stores this week. Thanks to our friends at Red Indie Metal for supplying this week’s prize (follow them on Twitter @REDINDIEMETAL). Don’t be silly and miss out on this opportunity to have this limited edition vinyl for free! Just come up with the funniest caption to the below photo and you’ll end up with a very nice package in the mail sometime soon.
king diamond’s semi-retarded cousin; prince fatasfuck.
I don’t think this needs a caption, it speaks for itself. You can almost see the words coming from his face
true kvlt black metal didn’t die…it was eaten.
overcompensating for what?
Founder of the new black metal live action role playing game strutting his stuff
dear sir,
please wash your face and return to your job at the Target snack bar. you’re embarrassing me.
signed,
satan
King diamonds really let himself go-I mean hiring mexican guitarists thats low
an emerging new genre: fattened black metal
“ya know what? i’m gonna eat this staff…and then that guy with the guitar.”
Well, it looks like Varg Vikernes is back to his old ways now that he’s out of prison. Instead of murder, he decided to just eat the remaining members of Mayhem in one gulp. Brutal.
Greatest.Post.EVER..ahh fuck..This one should win hands down
amen
black metal titans D-Moose Boar-Gear
While most of the bands declined to perform on stage after hearing they would be paid in Dunkin’ Donuts gift certificates, the lead singer of Cream Filled Cadaver was more than happy to go on!
I didn’t know Legion of Doom were into death metal.
Billy Milano just finished a bowl of Celtic Frosted Flakes and is now ready to rock with his new band.
SOD FTW! but i think this guys a big and i mean BIG gwar fan .
After years of putting up with church burnings and murders, God became angry at Varg Vikernes and the black metal scene, so he sent Chris Farley back to earth for revenge.
http://loot-ninja.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/fat_gamer_kid.jpg
Isn’t this the same kid???
Wtf?!?!!?
No, no it’s not. Go look up Detsorgsekalf.
I come for your jellybeans. But only the black ones.
LOL
“From satan rose a BLACKEND HAM”
His guitar tuning is the same as his cup size, D
I smell a win…….
Somebody’s gobbled up one too many Axl Rosenberg pizzas
hehe. you read this site often.
BEEFCAKE!
Bring me Solo and the Wookiee, they will all suffer for this outrage
Hey, Grashnap, could you help me? I think I’ve got corpsepaint in my eye and my arms can’t reach my face anymore.
Pushing their hatred of God even farther, black metallers are now dipping into ALL of the deadly sins… Even the less badass ones…
This guy got a bulk discount on the corpsepaint.
TAD of Sanity
The bastard child of Skeletor and the Stay-Puft marshmallow man applies his corpsepaint with a roller.
This Mr. Stay Puft’s okay! He’s a sailor, he’s in New York…we get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble
Your fatness is giving me diabetes.
And now to pillage the local Lane Bryant!
After appearing with Kiss on American Idol, Adam Lambert’s life was never the same.
YOU
SHALL NOT
PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH
It turns out that Jackson Rathbone was the vocalist of a black metal band before he appeared in the movie “Twilight”.
Lightning Bolt!
Bring on the trumpets!
Santa, the rest of the goddamn year, lets loose, shaves the beard, and sings about fucking a dragon or two.
Fucking a dragon? thats actually got me horny
Rosie O’donnels second carreer choice after the view, was far less succesfull
I made you a totally unremarkable, cliche-ridden black metal band, but I eated the bassist….
The true meaning of “Black Mass”
WIN.
o lawd
I like it!
Proof that world of warcraft makes people stupid
VH1’s Behind the Music
Dimmu Borgir Pt.1 : The Early Years
The guitarist looks sad because he hasn’t eaten in days… wonder why.
Napoleon Dynamite 2: No Country For Death Metal
—
? – Could work, set it in a border town of Texas and that fat kid would be sweating his, well painted face, off.
And why tuck the shirt in?
thanks for ruining Edge Of Sanity for me now. Will have to throw out my copy of Crimson II…
Drummer: I have a radical idea: we’ll cross the strings.
Guitar Player: You said crossing the streams was bad!
Drummer: Not necessarily. There’s definitely a *very slim* chance we’ll survive.
Guitar Player: I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!
cookie monster vocals: here we go raiders here we go
“My armor has a 30-40% Girl Repellent effect as well as adding +4 to my affinity of enjoying Trans Fats. Zounds!”
Win
We’ve unearthed a clip of the fabled, long lost Family Guy black metal episode.
Black-metal band Kvlt Kvvkies’ first show was a success. They celebrated with donuts afterwards.
True American Black Metal.
All shall bow before the Dork of Lardness!
beauty
The Panda Bear escaped from the zoo!!!!!!!
This guy is so fat he gave Sunn O))) inspiration for the new albums name.
haha it’s Jabba the Gut
Chris Farley resurrected
“… And so finally the troll wizard Blackham (vox) and his trusty sidekick Dab, Son-of-Swano, (guitar, vox, drums, keys, and occasional kazoo) hath reached the the stage of yore to play so that the gods might see fit to renegotiate the terms of their mortgage. Ye, they did see fit… and Blackham rejoiced.”
That is one PUMPED! mopey panda bear.
that is one high-quality shirt! look how much it can stretch! wow! i am sincerely impressed!
Chris Farley, before he hit it big on SNL.
Casting call for the new hit reality T.V. show “Biggest Loser: Metal Edition”.
The new series of wide angle lenses from Nikon
The key to getting this fat is to get every member ever of Immortal, squeeze them together, oh and the feet, the feet must be very tiny, because fat people have little feet. And for the make-up, just shmear a black and white cookie all over the jowls and sweaty fucking forehead. Then push the result out of a 20 story window because it is hilarious when fat people fall and die.
“I said a large slim jim , fucker!”
iwrestledabearonceandatehim!
Dino Cazares decides to start a new side project Black Metal band.
BEST. SUMMER. EVER!
Black Metals biggest fan: Behe-Mouth with Carlos Mencia on Guitars
John Goodman’s new metal band, Burnt Burger Black.
“Hi, my name is Sven and I’m an alcoholic.”
And then darkness reigned down upon the buffet line.
Black Metal Has Never Been This Fat!!!
Krispy Kream Kvlt Kore
Gaahl…before he went on Nutrisystem.
hey quarmire, remember that one time i was in that black metal band?
HAKEEM OLAJUWONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Shit i thought this was a LARPING convention !!!!!!
the john wayne gacy and richard ramirez prison band
Gene Simmons didn’t take the sex scandel well.
The emancipation ov satanic mysticity…..and Burger King! RAAAAAAWWR!!!
Too nerdy for the Football team….
Too metal for the Sci Fi club…..
Took his hate for both and made it metal…..
SO PURE… SO COLD
TACOBELLION HUNGERRRRRRR!!!!!
after years of pizzas and beers, he grew to become nathan explosion.
He’s spent wayyy to much time in the food libraries
this joke is dildos.
Do you want me to write my joke about the fat guy, or the brown in guy in the back with un-corpse paintedd ears?
p.s- that is my joke
Fat guy: hey man, my mascara’s running!
Guitar: Shut the fuck up, i’m trying to play Smoke on the Water…
It’s kvlt koopa.
adam D before Killswitch!
Instead of headbanging on stage, Gluttonous Antichrist’s lead singer likes to do the truffle shuffle.
Gene Simmons if he did Black Metal. God help us all.
“The new Limp Bizkit album comes to fruition.”
oh, damn, that was last weeks…
for this weeks:
… umm. I got nothing
Behold Chuck Billy in his new local black metal cover band: Sorcery Incarnate!
Does this corpse paint make me look fat?
Some bands take the whole “our heaviest record yet” bit WAY too far!
“What Piledriver CDs?”
Santa Claus’s little brother. Black metal Claus.
HOLY SHIT…that is NOT cool…Who took this picture of me?….How did this get online?….This is me…no fucking joke…holy shit…
Not cool…
That’s me and my band….
That’s not you, the guys in that band are actually very aware of this contest. Stop being an attention whore. Douche.
all hail the fat wizard and his bitch tito!
“After 3 years on the island and no answers, Hugo “Hurley” Reyes turned to the only truth he could find: Trve Norwegian Black Metal”
YES
LOST
During a flashback, the writers of Lost reveal the ultimate cliffhanger – Hurley and Sayiid were once band mates.
After getting out of prison, Varg Vikernes let himself go a little bit in his preparation for the Blackest of the black tour in order to disguise himself to finally finish the job he started in 1993. He started by eating King Diamond as well as Immortal
blackened fest, my bad
Possible band names: (Leg of)Lamb of God, Lord Belly-al, Mayham, Morbid(ly obese) Angel, Symphony XXXL, Meatallica, As I Lay Sweating, Celtic Frosting.
Gwars newest targetted character. the gut-banger
LAY DOWN YOUR ROLLS TO THE GODS TO THE GODS ROCK AND ROOLLLLL!
FAT METALLLLL!
*random crowbar joke*
Proof that Meatloaf is a metal head.
or
Black Metal Buffet. All you can eat with music by the The Weight of the Tumefy with lead singer Glutton the Ravenous.
or
Black Metal is not THAT slimming dude, seriously.
or
Carnivore Corpse Paint sponsored by International Federation of Competitive Eating – IFOCE.
or
Poor Bubba was never the same after he done got possessed by the evil spiriteds of the McDonald’s. Lookins like he’s done super-sized hisself.
1349…pounds.
The Pillsbury Doughboy’s retarded younger brother. “Hey ma, look, all my friends from WoW are here!”
(”…That’s nice, dear. Another doughnut?”)
fatmetal
“Off to the White Castle!”
He looks totally like “I’m singin’, I’m dancin’, most every night
I want to do that with you babe”
I Am The Fat Wizards
Well played, good sir XD
I don’t get it. All my friends said “form a band, get pussy.” Do I look like I’ve fucked anything other than a pot roast in the past 3 years?
Der mysteriis dom Fathanas.
Looks like Euronymous ate more than just Dead’s brain……
This is not a comment for the contest but seriously i love this
That fat man is me i am the vocalist for the Tr00est band ever Detsorgsekalf
Auditions for ‘American False Idol’ begin in earnest.
Gwar: The Elvis Era
One does not simply walk into Mordor, we have to stop at Krispy Kreme first.
for whom the taco bell tolls
HAHA! Nice one!
Poster boy for Del Taco’s metal ad campaign
It’s new Metalsucks sensations IHAVENTSEENMYDICKSINCEWATERGATE.
NUMA-NUMA-NGRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Afternoon everybody….NORM !!!
George Wendt Sure let loose after his long run on CHEERS !!!
and the poor El Hefe looking sap looks afraid like Big Boy is going to Eat Him !!!
Ham On The Bone Is Mine !!! \m/ \m/
The sign outside clearly says “NO PARENTS ALLOWED!!!”
Originally, he only used white makeup, but people kept mistaking his face for a toilet seat.
quick – take me to Dimmu Burger, i dropped below 666lbs.
“I eat metal”
“Varg had put on alot of weight during his time in prison”
“Slipknot’s cool”
The World’s Biggest Raider’s Fan was so excited that his team finally won a game that he climbed the stage at a Hellhammer cover band show.
YOU – SHALL NOT – PASS!
… less well known is the Jolliest of the Jolly tour.
Dude. Are we at the right party???
Tardthrone – Supersized Black Metal
I am the necrowizard. Which way to the grim and frostbitten gay bar?
- What a night! Where the hell am I?
Phil Margera’s new band CKYamidresseduplikethis
This is an image of a boss from the new game, “Super Mario Brothers: Sons of Northern Darkness – Euronymous’ Revenge.” This game is only on the new WiiTrueKvlt Video Game system coming to stores June 6th.
I vote you win
apparently grimace from mcdonald’s has a moonlighting gig.
Fat black metal dudes destroy stripper poles
“Oceano on Halloween – STILL pretending to be metal…”
Most black metal vocalists use a scythe on stage to look scary. This one uses it to harvest his lunch.
Hurley see’s dead people.
In my kingdom cold,
On the fridge-shelf of madness,
unending Pepsi,
these calories which I heart.
more brutal than metallica
BRITNEY SPEARS AFTER A REHABILITATION
“Sancho Jag Panzer! I, Don Xasthur, The Man of La Munchies, have uncovered our next quest! Quick! A song to lead us into true kvlt adventure!!”
“Si, Don Xasthur.”
Former Raiders offensive lineman starts career as black metal singer only to find that the upside down crosses he painted on his face bear a striking resemblance to male genitalia. When questioned about this, he responded “I thought it was appropriate seeing as how I lost my microphone under these here jelly rolls.”
I WANT TO KVLT!
god seed promotional shoot
As you can see the Norwegian Kool-aid man is slightly different from his American counterpart.
This should win
“Fattle of the Bands!”
“Transilvanian Hungry . . . still. Even after eight luther burgers.”
“Fatyricon!”
“Fattila Csihar on vocals.”
” A Glaze(d donut) in the Northern Sky.”
“De Mysteriis Dom Deluise Sathanas”
20 years ago an Oakland Raiders fan had sex with a Juggalo and this abomination was the result.
You must be THIS kvlt to pass!
Age progression photo of Dead and Euronymous had they lived to see the new millenia.
I AM THE NEW BURGER KING MAN
WHO SAYS YOU CANT EAT METAL
FRED DURST DRESSING UP AS WES BORLAND
“This next one is our version of a Nargaroth song… FAT METAL, PLEASE FEEEEEED!!!!”
The Worlds Heaviest Band
As you can see, Varg took full advantage of the generous meal plan in prison.
I’d rather listen to these guys then Sunn 0))).
It’s the #1 band on the new Metalsucks.Net List! Anti-ClimaX!
Gaahl’s new replacement in gorgoroth.
Move over Chickenfoot…..the new supergroup composed of members of Gwar and King Diamond…….ChickenLard!
GRANDMA; WHAT WAS IT LIIIIIIIKE
Right, who’s for pudding?
“Sorry Jose I just can’t stop laughing, I can still smell that last fart”
This is what happens when you don’t make obscure black metal shirts larger than an XL.
This photograph was among others recently declassified by Music Man.
John Pinette’s next Broadway gig would, yet again, find him wearing a fat suit.
OR
“…and you thought the drummer was hard to see in OTHER bands.”
What do you get when you cross Burger King and King Diamond?
‘Thanks or coming. Please support our sponsors; Halloween Super Store, Liberty Medical and the Defib Depot.’
Sorry ‘Thanks for coming’…
When you said “Big Black Metal Band”
I thought you meant like Immortal..or…you know…Emperor…
NOT THE FUCKING MICHELIN MAN AFTER 30,000 MILES OF TRAVELING!
WE’VE GOT THE STA-PUFT MARSHMALLOW CORPSE!
What’s so grim and dark about a this black mass? His stomach after fifty seconds of digestion?
I bet you they’re from Canada.
that aint metal…thats some fat guy who s probably gay…
here is a link…this is metal (brutal death)not that shitty fat gay boy…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTpQOZcNASw
when i said i wanted a pigs head for a stage decoration… that dosent mean you have to eat the rest of it for a before consert snake…
this is the skinniest dude we could find who listens to black metal
FUCK YEAH!!! John Goodman is in a metal band…… Ive waited for this my whole life.
Fred Durst gone metal!
Elvis: the Norwegian Years.
Celtic Frost-ING!!!!!!
I am so excited, at last the Metal shop is carrying my size Humongous XXXXXXL.
Last photo taken before the fatal question “Does anyone have an after dinner mint? They are wafer thin”.
After her loss in Britain’s got Talent, Susan Boyle rethinks her career.
“We prefer the term Obese Metal…we’re obviously more than heavy.”
Chris Farley isn’t dead, he’s just been laying low in Norway under the name Christoffer Farlensen.
KISS circa 2020
Season[strike]s[/strike]ing [strike]in[/strike] the O[strike]A[/strike]b[strike]yss[/strike]ese
goddamned… should be a joke about SODs Seasoning the Obese.
He sings evil pissed of lyrics about having Diabetes.
necrolard
Taking RuneScape to the next level
Are You Sure Gene Simmons Started This Way????? besides I’ve Already Eaten Paul!
Now THAT’Z HEAVY METAL!!!
Bam talked Danny Filth into letting he and his dad, Phil, open for C.O.F…. epic fail
The grand winner of the Black Metal Sumo Wrestling World Champs
Man what is Dan Swano these days Dan Sumo?
The only know photo of Vince Neilstein.
*I MEAN*: The only known photo of Vince Neilstein
dark lord, i call thee!
i wish vengeance upon the popular kids!..and i hate my parents!