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...And Fuck You Too

FUCK YOU, GUITAR HERO: VAN HALEN. FUCK YOU IN THE EAR.

 Thursday, June 4th, 2009 at 2:12pm by

One of the most disappointing aspects of Guitar Hero: Metallica was that you have to play with nu-’Tallica, not the Burton or even Newstead-era band we all know and love (I’m told older versions of the Four Horsemen are available as “unlockable content,” but there’s only so many hours in the day and these snarky blogs ain’t gonna write themselves.). That being said, at least the makers had the good taste to not pretend that Robert Trujillo was in the band when they recorded Master of Puppets.

Now comes this 56-second bootleg clip of Guitar Hero: Van Halen, taken at recent nerd fest videogame convention E3. At first I was like “Sweet! Look, it’s DLR and EVH when they had long hair! CLASSIC HALEN ROOLZ!!!!”

And then I saw Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen. Who not only wasn’t in the band during the early days of VH, he wasn’t even, y’know, FUCKING BORN YET. This like when the band tried to replace their cover art photos of Anthony with ones of Fatty Ding Dongs; even Axl Rose isn’t a big enough douche vag to try and completely re-write history. Bogus. Fucking bogus.

That all of this comes in the midst of EVH claiming and Michael Anthony denying that Anthony actually quit the band, and, well, it’s enough to make you wanna listen to fucking Chickenfoot. Christ.

-AR

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  • ashley

    Don’t chokes to death you fats pieces of shits!

    • groverXIII

      Release… THE KITTIES!

  • motg

    dudes, where is the Killswitch interview already?!? :D

  • Conduit

    Can people be bored of these games already and start picking up guitars?

  • SourDeez

    Unfortunately, I missed the VH reunion tour last year which apparently was actually beast, but I’m having a hard time imagining Wolfgang singing backup harmonies on…say…I’m The One. Michael Anthony’s backing vocals are such an essential part of the classic Van Halen sound.

    Fuck Guitar Hero in the plastic asshole. You’re destroying the influence of a genius. Now instead of hearing Ain’t Talkin Bout Love and then running out to buy a guitar to learn it on, kids are gonna hear it and wonder how many points they can get. Whacktarded.

  • http://www.twitter.com/waynegraham Wayne

    Well….that’s fucking retarded.

    • http://www.twitter.com/waynegraham Wayne

      ….meaning the Wolfgang thing, not Guitar Hero itself

  • bucketochicken

    Who the fuck is “Van Halen?”

    • http://none Dirty Duck

      Who the fuck are YOU?!

      Look guys..its actually someone who’s been living under a rock.

      i’ll charge you $5 a peek…

  • http://last.fm/music/pandas Greg

    E3 as nerd fest.

    Well, at least there are girls there, which is more than we can say about MS.

    Well, they’re paid to be there. But still. Girls.

    • Elitist Fuck

      What are you saying? There are plenty of girls at Metal-Sucks, as is evident by the amount of bitching and PMSing that goes on every time someone has an opinion.

  • ian

    This is a terribly sad moment in the history of Van Halen. It’s bad enough they are pretending like Hagar didn’t exist.

    • http://last.fm/music/pandas Greg

      Who? That viking in the comics? He was definitely never in Van Halen, because he’s a 2-dimensional fictional character.

      I don’t know what fantasy world you’ve been living in, but where I come from David Lee Roth has been in VH since day 1, and everyone in Metallica died in that bus crash.

  • http://www.myspace.com/whiskeyrambleproject x101whiskey_ramble101x

    can’t wait for the classic rock version of Guitar Hero, ya know the one where you get to be some dude from Home Depot rather than Brad Delp, or a karaoke sing’n jap dude rather than Steve Perry…. need to replace those were the good days with THESE are the good days. In all seriousness I wish they would make a Spinal Tap version… at least it would be amusing.

  • AirHockeyChamp

    so by taking Anthony’s image out of the game, does that mean they are taking out his essential background vocals? in my opinion you shouldn’t have one without the other.

  • http://www.welovemetal.com We Love Metal

    Metallica to Van Halen, what next The Jonas Brothers…fuck me.

    • Cougar Party

      God I hope so. I want to play “I got a Ring” on Guitar Hero so bad.

  • Toxteth O’Grady

    “Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen”

    WIN.

  • The Goat

    “Here’s a couple of hankorburgers and big gulps and craps, you fat tits!!”

  • hi my name is mark

    Wolfgang Van Halen and Lauren Harris should form a band called “Nepotism”.

  • 2kvlt4u

    I missed this band in 83 because I went to summer camp, which sucked(summer camp, I mean). I was mad for weeks after. Now I am glad I didn’t go. I am ashamed I wanted to go. I feel ashamed I liked them back then. Why do you give this band time on your site? They are not metal. They are nothing. They are drama. Fuck you 70s rockers. Fuck Zep, Who, Hendrix all that old guy rubbish. You listen to this garbage in your Suburban on the way to your accounting or insurance firm. You are no better than women reading People magazine, kissing ass and being intrigued by celebrities that you will never be. Or who don’t even know you are alive. Does Eddie thank you personally for giving him thousands (of dollars)over the years. He doesn’t care about you or even know you are in existence. Arrggghhh I get so mad at you cool rock n rollers. Rock and Roll sucks. Go pay $200 for another stupid reunion tour ticket and then go mow your lawn, or pay someone to do it, while you ride your Harley around.

    • Kris

      Seriously dude chill.

  • http://none Dirty Duck

    Well I for one would like to say that I LOVE classic van halen!! I’ve been a fan since i was 10 years old. Not a hagar fan at all. David Lee Roth was it! If it wasnt for these guys rock woukd be completely different today. Even though I’m not a fan of guitar hero, I think its great knowing that a whole new generation will finally get to hear what a REAL rock band should sound like! Classic Van Halen is it baby!!
    As far as you haters bitchin and moanin over no mike no sam….get over it! Times change…people change….its called life! I would love to have seen mike on the reunion tour (which kicked ass by the way and worth every penny jerkoff’s) but wolfgang did just fine! His harmonies were on point…so enough of the michael anthiny shit already. He’s in a band called chickenfoot right now and doin fine so thats that!
    As far as the asshole that made the comment about fuck van halen zepplin the who…..no pal…FUCK YOU!
    You have a big set of balls to disrespect the legends of rock! If it wasnt or them you wouldnt be hearing what you’re “supposidly” into today. You call yourself a metal head!? Please…..
    You’re a joke. Thank the heavens for classic van halen….led zepplin….black sabbath…ect!!!!!!!

  • http://www.chickenfoot.us Crazy5150

    I would have way more fun playing Van Hagar tunes, so I’m not buying it. Plus, no Michael Anthony??????