Holy shitballs. Former Anthrax guitarist and current Christian midget watchmaker Dan Spitz has started a new project, DeuxMonkey, and it’s so objectively stupid that I’m amazed it’s not directed by Michael Bay.

First of all, there’s the name of the band. Technically, “DeuxMonkey” means “two monkeys,” except that a) “monkey” isn’t pluralized for some reason and b) one word is in French and the other in English, making Spitz retarded in two languages. And I don’t even know what the fuck he thinks the name “two monkeys” (or “TwoMonkey,” as it were) would mean; is this a phrase common amongst watchmakers, or little people? Someone please explain it to me.

Second of all, to call the music horrendous would be an insult to horrendous bands everywhere. I’d rather watch my entire family get killed than listen to this. It would seem that Spitz and his “band” – which consists of former members of Accept, King Diamond’s band, and some dude in mask – are striving to create the kind of industrialized alt-metal that groups like Nine Inch Nails, Ministry and Marilyn Manson popularized in the  90s, except that a) it’s not the 90s anymore and b) even in the 90s, no one would have listened to this.

Third of all, as you can tell from the above emblem, the band has hired a graphic designer of the highest order to do their artwork for them, and by “a graphic designer of the highest order,” I mean “Spitz’s nephew who flunked out of his day camp arts and crafts class.” Seriously, my dog could make better art than this. I know because I gave him a canvas and he did, in fact, make a cooler piece of art than the above:

In conclusion, this band is, as Vince might say, a shitstain on the ass of the universe. I’d give you a MySpace link to check them out for yourself, but fuck you.

-AR