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Editorials

CRABCORE = “SIGNATURE CROUCHES”

 Monday, July 20th, 2009 at 9:54am by

attacknytimes

The above photo of Attack! Attack!, from the NY Times review of this past weekend’s Vans Warped Tour, has one of the funniest captions I’ve ever read.

Unfortunately, the author, Jon Caramanica, praises Attack! Attack! for having “one of the day’s best sets.” But he does include this tidbit, which made me giggle:

The gentleman with “Kill All Posers” scrawled across his upper back in black marker let 3OH!3 know exactly how he felt during its midday set on Saturday at the Vans Warped Tour. Sidling through the crowd bopping feverishly to the band’s dopey, energetic blend of electro, hip-hop and punk, he kept two middle fingers raised and his face squarely on his destination, somewhere far away.

I’d love to buy that dude a beer. I’d also love to know what the fuck he was doing at Vans Warped with a “Kill All Posers” shirt on in the first place.

-AR

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  • derp

    poor schecter……
    having so many terrible bands play their guitars
    its so sad

    • Uglymicrowave

      I went to warped over the weekend…b/c i happen to be a huge fan of the old school guys…Nofx, Flogging Molly, Bad religion, less than jake…And my new favorite GALLOWS….if you don’t know them…check them out!

      I happened to walk by attack!attacks! stage…and they had the biggest crowd of anyone there…and the biggest pits…

      It’s frightening…

      • cougar party

        Warped Tour is filled with shit these days, but I am debating going for the old school guys, NOFX, Bad Religion, and Bouncing Souls. I used to love that shit back in my high school days. It might be fun to laugh at the crab people too though.

        • groverXIII

          I would go just to see Bad Religion, Flogging Molly, and NOFX, but Warped Tour used to be a punk tour. WTF happened?

          Actually, never mind… there aren’t any good new punk bands any more, just a bunch of emo and screamo bands. It’s a shame, too…

        • Dr. J

          I always try to use this logic, like “Hey, I like Job For A Cowboy, and when I go to a show I can just laugh at all the swoop-haired kids”. But when I get there and I’m expecting it to be 25% swooped hair and it’s more like 75% I just feel confused and out of place.

          • cougar party

            Yeah, I feel like maybe I am just getting older, but I actually do feel confused and out of place at warped tour these days. I went two years ago when Bad Religion and Pennywise were there and all the other bands were shitty metalcore or pop-punk.

            Warped Tour has always followed the trends though. I remember back in 00′ or ’01 they had Eminem, Black eyed Peas, and Ice-T because rap/hip-hop was cool that year.

    • MoonSnake

      haha i know dude! i love my schecter, and it makes me cringe to know that i share a common bond with one of these pricks

      • Elitist Fuck

        Here’s the thing that separates you from them: you just might play yours well.

        I’d kill for a Schecter, though. My low-end ESP has had about all the damage it can take.

  • http://www.theinevitablenose.com/ The Inevitable Nose

    They appear (from the photo) to have ‘crab boards’, presumably so that while pulling a none-can-crouch-lower pose that the audience can still see their shit haircut. Or perhaps it provides extra grip for thos really low ball crunching crouches. Wankers.

    • Ahab

      Implying they have balls?

  • Fufkin

    My god you’re right – they actually have crab risers!

    And what a way to treat a Schecter.

    When does the next subgenre of fuckwits arrive?

    • derp

      probably in about 2 weeks

    • Anselmowitz

      Fuck man, didnt notice the crab risers till you mentioned it. I lol’d then died a little inside. Kill all Posers guy is my hero, we need to get white masks that say that on them (you know, to hide our identity) & go around culling these fucks.

  • Jason

    so is crab – crouching the new “breakdown”

  • mr lun

    that’s pretty hilarious. kill all posers guy probably needs a better hobby though.

  • http://www.myspace.com/thenothing4 mattyb05

    fuck this band

  • bearbomb

    They probably were “one of the day’s best sets”…. BECAUSE IT’S THE VANS WARPED TOUR!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Menard/502061034 Jesse Menard

    Give it like, 5 months and there is going to be about 6 bands doing crabcore that get signed to Victory or some shit. At least one to Century, too.

    Kids eat this shit up – It’s almost as bad as that running on the spot bullshit.

    Fuck off.

  • http://www.myspace.com/ihopeyourot Dave

    Then thank god for that small stage, I guess.

    • EVMASTER

      Is that Immortal as your default, cause they are one of the greatest black metal bands ever to walk this earth hahahaha

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tom-Campagna/40702766 Tom Campagna

    well at least bad religion was there i’ll bet(if i had been there) they would have been best. fuck these stupid ass bands that need to either do this crab bullshit or follow a color motif that looks like a highlighter vomited out material and sowed it together with its ass(3OH!3). Btw cool name guys your area code was much better before it was gayified to the max.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QU0BKUbflc Garske

      this might be the best comment on this site i’ve seen in a long time.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tom-Campagna/40702766 Tom Campagna

        well thank you i aim to please

  • http://www.flamingtusk.com Zosimus

    LOOK IT VERY CLEARLY STATES IN THE CAPTION THAT THIS IS ATTACK ATTACK! AND NOT ATTACK! ATTACK! LET’S NOT MIX UP OUR HORRIBLE TERRIBLE BANDS ANY MORE THAN THE IDIOTS IN THEM HAVE ALREADY FORCED US TO DO.

    • Dysenteric

      You won’t believe this, but I’ve already told MetalSucks and all their readers that. Evidently, they didn’t listen.

    • Dysenteric

      AND this article includes a clipping from the NY Times, they wrote it correctly. No excuse for getting it wrong now.

  • DanyLektro

    You know, here I thought they were just one of those low-end commercialized crap bands that Warped always picks up. They’ve apparently also secured a song in Guitar Hero 5 though.. the WORLD will start learning about this terrible band..

    • http://www.myspace.com/ihopeyourot Dave

      Different group.
      Attack! Attack! are an alternative rock quartet, from Caerphilly, Wales….The band are commonly confused with the American post-hardcore band Attack Attack!, which only have one exclamation mark; however, the bands both play completely different styles of music. (wikipedia)

    • BT

      its the other Attack Attack lol.. they’re a Welsh band or some shit

  • Ryan

    These bands suck anyhow…maybe they should try the “auto erotic asphyxiation” stance…they’d be doing us all a favor. Shitty screamo/emo/ bandwagon bullshit.

  • Johnny

    Metalsucks, the home of the Crab – Crouch.

  • Selaphiel

    The funiest part about that caption is that Attack Attack! and the other 10 million bands similar to it are NOT “screamo”.

    Jeez, people. That’s like calling Nickelback metal. I think everyone should be forced to listen to Circle Takes the Square and Envy before they’re even allowed to use that term.

    • big_red01027

      There are about a thousand bands I’d rather listen to than listen to Circle Takes the Square again.

    • http://www.concatenationrecords.com Kodiak

      Envy’s screamo? I thought they were Japanese hardcore or J-core. Still worth a listen though, as some of their material absolutely rips (the song Left Hand in particular).

  • Metal Fuckin’ Dave

    fucking crab risers….amazing.

  • http://thejamminjabber.com/ thejamminjabber

    Dude looks like he’s about to take a shit. A very pretty shit.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    I’m gonna start a crabcore band, I need the money…I dunno if can handle waking up early though, according to Attack Attack!, they gotta work their asses off for Warped Tour

    • crank

      They don’t work hard, they just “ride the ride”. What a bunch of cock-baskets.

      • TrapThem

        lol…cockbaskets…that’s fuckin great

    • cougar party

      by “work their asses off” they mean play a 30min set every 24-48 hours? Man, that’s tough.

    • http://www.metalspikybits.blogspot.com ashley

      And by hard work the mean squatting until their glutes hurt. Poor babies. At least they will have no problem if they ever have to shit in the woods.

  • groverXIII

    I’ll bet the poor folks in the front row can see that dude’s junk. Crab-crouch + short shorts = unfortunate

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      Only if they brought binoculars

      • http://www.metalspikybits.blogspot.com ashley

        LOL

  • heebman169

    why’s the guitarist on the right wearing an upside down trash talk shirt?

  • wackomann

    If somewhere there exists a real-life Skwisgar Skwigelf, I’d love to hear what he’d say about this. He could be consulted like The Oracle or something.

    “This bands is completes craps.”

    • http://www.metalspikybits.blogspot.com ashley

      We should consult Tommy Blacha and Brendon Small. Maybe they can write us something witty.

      • The Goat

        Nathan Explosion saying “Uhh….these guys should be murdered!”

    • groverXIII

      “These guy is completes dildos.”

  • http://myspace.com/biosyn teaches_of_peaches

    The ratio of crap to good metal bands to come out of Ohio is simply astounding.

  • http://incoldblogger.blogspot.com Corey Mitchell

    Wait, I’m feelin’ a totally needless techno rave bridge comin’ up…right…about…now – CRAB CAKES!!!

  • Lucifer Sam

    CRAB PEOPLE, CRAB PEOPLE….LOOK LIKE CRAB, TALK LIKE PEOPLE

  • http://mrb sam

    I dont get it, smallish bands in the UK were doing this in like 2007, it looked hilarious, but had a completely different name, something about getting low?
    Well whatever, it looks stupid, and they obviously suck if they need to add crabbing to their set.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brent-Hacker/1173810278 Brent Hacker

    I made this for all of you!!!

    http://crabcorepeople.ytmnd.com/

    • http://myspace.com/whitearmsofathena Josh

      LMAO

  • http://www.myspace.com/finalriot BigEvilMetalhead

    Did anybody see them talk about Attack Attack! on Fox News’ Red Eye last night? haha.. They were saying they were the future of rock n’ roll (jokingly of course). I thought that was pretty funny…

    Fuck crabcore

  • DanB

    Whoever said the comment about Schecter was right.

    Makes me feel bad to be a Schecter owner (C-4 Bass) when these acts are around. Great guitars but good God the horrible horrible bands that play them.

  • matt

    how has nobody mentioned rob trujillo yet?!

  • http://www.myspace.com/llemopaco pacokiller

    ataque ataque fuck em!!

  • dustin at metal blade

    I’m waiting for the day i sign on to Metalsucks and see Crabcore.com “Your source for embarrassing stage moves by shitty musicians and the people who hate them”

  • http://www.myspace.com/attackattackband jen

    I think you mean Attack Attack!
    Attack! Attack! (note the exclamation marks) are a rocking Welsh band and are a zillion times better than these guys who seem to be teaching kids that it’s ok to get up on stage and not even try to make music.

  • ???

    This website is retarded. Attack Attack! is completely awesome.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Colin-OConnor/1491245262 Colin O’Connor

      I’ve never heard them so I can’t really judge but tell me WTF they are doing on stage with position and facial expressions that should be reserved for being constipated. It’s like they are trying hard to get a turd to come out but the only things that comes is their music…

  • Matt

    I would have to agree Attack Attack! is fucking amazing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Colin-OConnor/1491245262 Colin O’Connor

    “Noooo theys is my new friends. What with the swingin n’ jumpins and crab-crouchins and guitars swings. theys is fun!.”

    “Shut up Toki!”

  • Jimmy

    It’s funny how these guys are used to being in that position. After all, how else would they suck on eachother’s nuts after the show?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Will-Zeven-Ama-Fabia/100000141326396 Will Zeven Ama Fabia

    http://www.crabcorefm.com/
    http://www.facebook.com/crabcorefm
    http://twitter.com/crabcorefm

    Es una pagina que brinda ultimas noticias sobre la musica y tambien puedes oir a las bandas sus ultimos albums mientras lees alguna breve historia de la banda asi como quienes son los actuales integrantes ves sus fotos y miras sus ultimos videos