HOW THE FUCK IS UNCLE KRACKER NOT IN PRISON RIGHT NOW?
Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 4:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
I just got a press release that Kid Rock’s boyfriend, Uncle Kracker, has a new album coming out in the fall. To which I can only say: shouldn’t this douche bag be getting raped in prison right about now?
That’s not a judgement on Kracker’s music. I mean, his music sucks, don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying that I quite literally thought the dude was going to jail.
See, if you don’t recall, back in August of ‘07, Kracker (né Matthew Shafer) was arrested or a second-degree forcible sex offense charge. Which is just a fancy lawmakers’ term for “rape.”
Making the situation even funnier (funny in the “fuck Uncle Kracker sense,” not in the “rape is funny” sense) is that when The Associated Press tried to reach Kracker’s manager for comment, they found that they were unable to – because the manager’s phone was disconnected.
All of which would suggest that Kracker should be sitting in prison right about now, waiting for his daily ass-pounding.
BUT NO! The dude got off or cut a deal or had Kid Rock come in and save the day or whatever. And now he has a new album coming out, which, no doubt, many, many stupid red necks, well versed in the art of “There is no such thing as rape, only surprise sex”* themselves, will purchase. Fucking weak, dude.
And the moral of the story is: it sucks to be Tripp Eisen.
-AR
*That joke comes courtest of MS Maniac Josh Gonzalez. If you found it tasteless, take it up with him. If you found it hilarious, take it up with him.
“There is no such thing as rape, only surprise sex”
I just spit out laughing.
Yep same here.
He looks like a gigantic baby…
you forgot to add ugly
He’s not in prison because there is no justice for rape survivors. He pled guilty and got 12 months probation.
http://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.com/2007/10/nc-uncle-kracker-pleads-guilty-to-rape.html
I’m hoping he (and the judge) are reincarnated as colostomy bags.
Surprise sex, hahaha. That’s awesome.
But seriously, look at that fucking picture.
Just when I thought the stupidest thing in Metal right now was Joe Elliott vs. Poison…. I was wrong again.
Damn… I thought he died a long time ago.
I heard that his new album will have a collaboration with Brian Peppers
He’s not in prison because there is no justice for rape survivors. He pled guilty and got 12 months probation.
I’m hoping he (and the judge) are reincarnated as colostomy bags.
If there’s any question regarding Uncle Kracker’s extracurricular activities, let us review the following song lyrics:
“Follow me
Everything is alright
I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won’t find nobody else like me .”
The words of a stalker. Just sayin’…
so true…
Yeah, and you know what’s sad? His most famous song is about cheating:
“I know you worry ’bout that ring you wear
But as long as no one knows then nobody can care.”
As if anyone’s husband would be unattractive or disgusting enough that Uncle Kracker looks like a step up.
you all have no idea what you are talking about. get lives. he is one greatest people I know.
Horrible and sad… but I got a laugh out of the banner ad that this article brought up…. some sex-offender search website. I’m tempted to make sure this fucking creep doesn’t live anywhere near me…. that photo alone makes me feel violated.
Nevermind my comment name… oh the irony…
Wow, weak. Go watch the music video for Kid Rock’s “American Badass” and laugh mockingly at Uncle Kracker’s attempts to mime punching a punch bag. This guy is just one big fat bag of fail.
Both of his chins should be in jail
This shit is seriously fucked up. He needs to go to pound you in the ass prison right now, but instead he is going to sodomize our ears with his shitty ass music. Who needs Nirvana for suicide, how can this world get more fucked up?
Niece-daughter must have dropped the charges on Uncle-Daddy!
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get a mention on this site.
Try some http://www.promofm.com/MALICIOUS_DISORDER
http://www.malice420.com
I keep seeing Tony Stewart when I look at this picture… which honestly makes the whole situation even funnier.
Tony Stewart and Uncle Kracker have never been seen together…
That “surprise sex” line reminded me of the best way ever to get off in court: It’s not rape if you yell surprise first.
Someone kill this guy before he releases another album or rapes another little boy.
kill yourself. now its boy. hahaha. not funny. I wish you could post your face on your comments
hould be sitting in prison right about now, waiting for his daily ass-pounding.
xD
What a peice of shit.
that looks like the photo of a rapist
I dont understand the constant badgering of southern people. I mean we can’t all be failing state liberal northern people who know everything yet run the country into the ground. Some of us poor southern people actually have to earn money drill for oil that drive your vehicles and also make sure our states are run right by not taxing the people and voting in morons like the wonderful new york people did with Hillary Clinton.
Guess doing things right actually make you a redneck rather than being a wonderful northern person who causes the country to fail.
PS. I HATE KID ROCK.
Uncle Kracker rocks. He is straight shooter who got a bad rap. Dont judge a person or situation without knowing what you are talking about!! I am proud to know him personally and anyone who wants to talk shit can go suck a DICK
who’s lives are so meaningless that they need to bash someone else to make themselves feel better? Very Disturbing!!!!!