Last week, Elise at Reign in Blonde wrote a piece entitled “TOP 5 SONGS I WOULD PROBABLY USE AS MY STRIPPER SONG.”

Improbably enough, this led to a stoned think-session where I came up with a list of the top five songs I would probably use as my own stripper song. ‘Cause I know you all wanna see me strip so badly.

Okay, here we go:

5) SHADOWS FALL, “REDEMPTION”

This isn’t my favorite Shads song of all time or anything – but goddamn is the riff underneath verse a dirty stripper riff if ever there was one. And the way it’s played… so slinky… someone’s been listening to Mick Mars.

4) ALICE COOPER, “POISON”

This is probably a huge cliché. I think I saw a stripper use this on Robin Byrd once when I was a kid and Robin Byrd’s public access show was my only means of seeing a naked woman. Yeah, it was either this or “Feed My Frankenstein.” It might have been “Feed My Frankenstein.” I actually might have imagined it all. Anyways, I still think it’d be a good song to get naked to.

3) CANNIBAL CORPSE, “FUCKED WITH A KNIFE”

This would, in fact, be a horrible song to strip to. The tempo is just all wrong. I only included it to be disgusting. Sorry.

ACTUAL 3) ALICE IN CHAINS, “SUNSHINE”

Elise chose “Angry Chair,” but I think this is a way sexier AIC riff. Probably because the band was still borderline-hair metal looking and were opening for Poison and shit.

Don’t look at me like I’m lying, fuckers. Check the liner notes to Poison’s Open Up and Say… Ahh! live album. AIC were support on one of those tours. Those were weird times.

2) MR. BUNGLE, “THE GIRLS OF PORN”

Okay, so stripping to a song about porn is probably kind of a cliché, even if they lyrics are about hardcore. Still, this song is awesome: Mike Patton’s vocals are awesome, the lyrics are funny (and I’ve only come to appreciate them more as I’ve gotten older and more sexually depraved), and even if you don’t think that the lyrics are funny, the music is just so goddamn good… it’s like the best soundtrack to 70s porn ever. By a longshot. And it rocks.

And, oh yeah, it’s about sex. Just sayin’.

1) GUNS N’ ROSES, “ROCKET QUEEN”

This song infamously features Steven Adler’s girlfriend having an orgasm, which was recorded in the studio as she got fucked by Axl Rose. Yes, Axl was really, really good to his bandmates even then. One of the engineers is even credited as the “fucking” engineer. Most people think that’s some kind of joke, but, no, the guy recorded Axl fucking Stevie’s woman.

Anyways, even if it didn’t have an actual recording of an actual woman either actually having or at least doing a decent job faking an orgasm, this song would be sexy as all hell. I mean, the lyrics are clearly all about sex (at least for the first half), and, again, this is like the filthiest band of all time playing one of the filthiest riffs of all time, back when they were actually at their all-time filthiest. And it provides you with a big finish. ‘Cause when you’re stripping, you need a big finish.

BONUS SONG: LIVING COLOUR, “BI”

I’m not actually bi. But I wanna increase my tips, y’know?

Good God, y’all, I am one hot piece of ass.

Don’t be a pussy. Choose your own five metal stripper songs in our comments section below.

-AR