Traveling through Texas, I listened to local radio stations. In San Antonio I found myself listening to KISS-FM, a rock ‘n’ roll outlet.

On the air, one of the station’s disc jockeys mentioned a promotion. “What would you do to meet the Crüe? he said. He explained that a heavy-metal rock band called Mötley Crüe was coming to San Antonio. Listeners were invited to mail entries to the station. The winners would get free tickets to the concert; some would get to go backstage and meet the band.

I called the station. I said I would be interested in seeing the entries. I asked if there were any ground rules. I was told that the only rule was that listeners had to answer the one basic question: “What would you do to meet the Crüe? ["]

A week later, I read the entries.

We seem to have come quite a distance from Herman’s Hermits fan clubs and “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”

From a sixteen-year-old girl:

“What I Would Do To See Mötley Crüe:

“First, I would tie you up, spread-eagle and naked, with leather straps. Then I’d shave all the hair off of your chest, and if I should nick you I’ll suck up all the blood as it slowly trickles over your body. Next I’ll cover your body with motion lotion to get things really heated up. When it gets too hot, I’ll cover your body in crushed ice and lay on top of you to melt it down and cool you off.

“Then I’ll do things to your body with my tongue that you never thought humanly possible. Then when you are screaming for mercy and begging for more, telling me how you want it all, I’ll slam the spiked heel of my right leather boot into your navel, call you a very naughty boy, and laugh as I slowly walk away, telling you I’m just not that kind of girl.”

From a fifteen year-old girl:

“I want to see Mötley Crüe so bad I’d wear black nail polish and body glitter. . . . When I see them I’d get on may hands & knees & give them my body & even tear my clothes off if I had to. If that didn’t work I’d do like Ozzy did and bite a dove’s head off & say, ‘Okay, let’s talk business.’ ”

From a thirteen-year-old girl:

“I’d do it with the Crüe till black and blue is all you can see.”

From a fifteen year-old girl:

“I’m really a big fan of Mötley Crüe’s and I would do anything to meet them. Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx are so fine! I love ‘em all. I would even get fucked by the ugliest, fattest, most disgusting guy in the world to meet them. . . .

“My boyfriend gets mad at me because I like them so much, and listen to the radio all the time for their songs to come on! I had to beg him to let me write this letter to you. Hopefully, I will win, because I went through a lot of trouble begging my boyfriend to let me do this.

“That would be just terrific if I won. I would have a chance of meeting Vince Neil! God. [,] he’s so fucking fine! If it would mean losing my boyfriend. I would fuck his best friend to meet these gorgeous guys. It wouldn’t matter, as long as I got to meet Vince Neil and see his fine ass and fine body! God, I can just see it now. Fucking him would be my biggest fantasy in the world! Well, I hope I win! Thank you!”

From a thirteen-year-old girl:

“I’d leave my tits to Mötley Crüe.”

From a seventeen-year-old girl:

“To get backstage to Mötley Crüe I think I’d give them every piece of action they wanted. I’d give them my body, money, or whatever they wanted.”

From a nineteen-year-old girl:

“I would go down to the local hardware store and buy some chains, leather straps, and nails. I would then put together the most outlandish outfit made of nothing but the leather straps, chains and nails. I would go to the concert in this Kiss-Ass outfit, because I would do anything to get close to ‘Marvelous’ Mick Mars, ‘Luscious’ Tommy Lee, Nikki ‘Sexx,’ and Vince ‘Can’t say No’ Neil. P.S. I would take a hammer so the guys (the Crüe) can loosen the nails in my outfit.”

From a thirteen-year-old girl:

“What’s up? Well, you asked what I would do to be a Mötley Crüe, so here it is. First, I’d spread whipped cream all over my body. Then I’d let Vince Neil lick it all off! I sure hope you enjoyed this cause I would love for it to happen.”

From a fourteen-year-old boy:

This is what I would do to join the KISS Mötley Crüe: I would give them my mother, who is very beautiful. She has red hair and brown eyes. She loves heavy metal and especially Mötley Crüe. My mother definitely has the looks that kill.

http://www.joesapt.net/superlink/shrg99-529/p26.html
http://www.joesapt.net/superlink/shrg99-529/p27.html

I play bass.

:D

Motley Crue weren’t a “motley crue” but just a bunch of panzies in spandex singing power ballads. How lame is that?

I think they’re kind of a joke myself, but I’m not stupid enough to assert that “no one” “ever” cared about Motley Crue. Either you were born after 1989, when Motley Crue was the biggest metal band in the country (in which case you’re a silly child who doesn’t know anything about the history of the music he allegedly enjoys), or you’re just a moron.

Sheesh…

I actually really do wish we could arrest some of you assholes.