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Reviews, Scraping Genius Off The Wheel

GARY’S THREE-WORD ALBUM REVIEWS: THE ASCENDICATE’S TO DIE AS KINGS

 Wednesday, August 26th, 2009 at 11:01am by

todieaskings

Slipknots For Jesus.

metal hornsmetal hornsmetalhorns-half2
(2 ½ out of 5 horns)

-GS

[Gary Suarez would like to apologize to Corey Mitchell for stealing his bit. He usually manages the consistently off-topic No Yoko No. Say, why don't you follow him on Twitter?]

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

    No fair. You get waaayyyyyyyyy more room to work with having that extra word.

    • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

      You limited yourself, maaaaaaan.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

        I like a challenge. Three words are for hacks…

        • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

          We can’t all be bestselling true crime writers. Somebody’s gotta clean these toilets!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Menard/502061034 Jesse Menard

    So, can I do the 4 word album reviews?

    • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

      That would just be silly.

  • Tommy Lindbergsen

    How about 5 words.

    Why. Even. Bother. Reviewing. it.

    • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

      Because. I. Can.

  • Canvas Of Flesh

    One word album review:

    SHIT

    • Tommy Lindbergsen

      It’s like this…
      Mr. Suarez kind of stabs at your curiosity about the nature of how shitty this band sounds….
      So I think to myself ” maybe I should go check out this shitty bands myspace page …I need a good laugh.”
      Then… as my Fingers go to the keyboard, I hesitate, because why would I check out a band based on a review that describes it as christian nu metal?
      So i’ll just take Mr. Suarez word for it and go back to Keep of Kalessin.
      Good day to you.

      • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

        A 2.5 star/horn/whatever review of out 5 stars/horns/whatevers doesn’t necessarily mean a record is shitty. It could mean it is mediocre or generic or middling. I actually like a couple songs on this, which is why it got the review it did.

        But yeah, The Ascendicate is essentially a Slipknot clone down to the vocals. Except the band is all about Jesus.

        • Canvas Of Flesh

          Wow. I couldn’t imagine a crappier combination. Slipknot and Jesus? No Thanks.

          • anttichrist

            Amen.

  • The Goat

    For every christian “metal” band. baby jesus gets sodomized on xmas!

    • The Goat

      Typo: band, baby

  • http://richarddawkins.net/ RICHARD DAWKINS

    FUCK CHRISTIAN MUSIC.

  • moose_knuckle

    Theres something aboiut christian metal that i just dont understand, its like metal shouldnt be used in that way.It goes against what i see metal to be about.

    • Rik

      Likewise, most christians probably think it goes against what they see christianity to be about. So yeah, it definitely shouldn’t exist.

    • dlux

      to paraphrase the great hank hill: christian metal doesn’t make christianity cooler, it just makes metal worse.

      • moose_knuckle

        Unfortunately that sounds about right. Metal just dosent need it.

      • jackattack

        Goddamnit, Bobby.

    • Tommy Lindbergsen

      There is something so unnatural about it…it is an abomination and should not exist.

  • jackattack

    Why not Maggots for Jesus? That would at least be slightly more creative.

    • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

      Because then fewer people would have understood the pun.

    • FuckYourGayEmoHaircut

      maggots for jesus…genius.

  • Facebook User

    Five words:

    What. Do. I. Put. Here?