Every show we play, any city in the world, any time of day, any season of the year, ANYWHERE, we get demos. Some of these demos come in really nice press packets with blown up photos and a bio telling us about the stagnation of the local scene and how Cryptic Disembowelment is breathing new life unto said scene. Some of these are just burned CDs with sharpie on them. Some come hot off a laser printer. We get shit tons. And by and large they are all garbage.

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Funny Photo Caption Contest is back; sorry for the delay, peeps. Last time we offered up a sweet limited edition Wino vinyl, and the lucky winner is longtime MS reader groverXIII, who came up with the following caption to the photo at right:

A young member of the Air Force shows blatant disregard for the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.

This week we’re giving away a special package of CDs courtesy of Earache Records: The Haunted’s Warning Shots, Insect Warfare’s World Extermination, Oceano’s Depths, the Heavy Metal Killers compilation, Ignominious Incarceration’s Of Winter Born, Godflesh’s Songs of Love and Hate 2xCD + DVD, and Cauldron’s Chained to the Nite. Holy shit that’s a lot of awesome music. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, which came to us via avid MS Maniac Mark Moritz-Rabson, and they shall all be yours.

Dan Rodriguez at Metal Insider, where I first saw the below, wonders if the ad is “poking fun” at the Ozzy guitarist search, but I’m fairly certain it’s just a very, very unfortunate coincidence. As far as whether or not the “chimp’s name is a shot at Mr. E. Lee,” well, I would actually believe that.

-AR

Suck. Embarrasing. Awful. Ear-raping. This is just… wow. Yes, it’s real, and you can read the story behind it on YouTube user StudioZeeber’s video page.

Perhaps even more mindblowing is that there are literally dozens of videos just like this one of young kids covering “Unholy Confessions” in basements and high school gymnasiums. I’ve assembled some choice cuts after the jump for your enjoyment / bewilderment.

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Dan Rodriguez at Metal Insider reports that Dream Theater keyboardist Jordan Rudess has released a $9.99 iPhone app with his sequencer, the JR Hexatone Pro. I’m gonna re-print the press release verbatim after the jump, ’cause to paraphrase Tracey Morgan on 30 Rock, I don’t understand about half the words they just said.

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When I was a teenager, if my father ever insulted me (and when he did, it was usually because I was being a little asshole and totally had it coming), he would immediately thereafter look at his watch. He was timing me to see how fast I could come up with a witty retort. That probably sounds fucked up, but I’m actually really glad my dad did that – it’s definitely one of the reasons I grew up to be such a prick, but, without tooting my own horn, I am very good at being a prick (you’re reading this website, after all) in no small part because of my old man’s insistence that I learn to properly defend myself in a verbal battle.

If only young Chaim Witz’s father had been as determined as Poppa Rosenberg to whip his son into mental shape. ‘Cause grown-up Witz (that’s “Gene Simmons” to you) is like the fat bully in the school yard – he’s way too dumb to trade barbs at an adult level, so he just says something sophmoric and unfunny and tries to claim said comment as a victory.

For example, look at this video of Simmons “debating” with music-biz guru Bob Lefsetz. Lefsetz criticized Simmons’ understanding of the way the music industry works today, and all Simmons can come up with by way of retort is to make fun of Lefsetz’s name. Forget, for a second, that’s not entertaining; it’s not even on-subject. It’s like watching Chris Farley tell David Spade “You’re a thick… candy…” in Tommy Boy. I mean, I almost feel bad for Simmons.

And now Simmons is losing a verbal war in the press with Trent Reznor, for the same reason: he just cannot hold his own in a debate.

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Boasting a resume that features members of Pantera more prominently than any Nashville session players, multi-instrumentalist Hank Williams III has defiantly cultivated a career and an image in stark contrast to the country roots evoked by his iconic namesake. Though hardly abandoning his heritage, the grandson of the honky tonk pioneer continues to mystify and enthrall with this, the first “official” release from this band.

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Metal Injection has posted a video clip from David Ellefson’s industry-centric video blog The Rock Shop, in which the ex-Megadeth bassist explains in detail how artists get paid from sales of their recorded music. We see retarded comments all the time by people who just don’t understand how the industry works, so if you’re one of these people (as if any of you would be self-aware enough to realize) or you’re in an unsigned band gunning for a record deal, you should definitely give this 5-minute clip a watch. Personally I think he’s being quite generous with his $2 per record figure, but I guess the math works out nicely for his example. The takeaway: your band needs to sell a shitload of records before you start seeing any money from those sales.

-VN

Converge have announced Axe to Fall as the title of their new album. It’ll drop October 20 on Epitaph.

Not much else is known about the record right now, except that a) Genghis Tron’s Mookie Singerman does guest vox on one track and b) it is going to be awesome. I mean, maybe it won’t be awesome, but if that’s the case, it’ll be the first not-awesome Converge album, um, pretty much ever.

If you’re not excited about this, you must not have a pulse.

-AR

Former Panic Channel vocalist Steve Isaacs apparently has a video blog, and it’s actually prettygood. This wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy if not for the fact that Isaacs also happens to be perhaps the last cool VJ that MTV ever had, so Axl and I have a particular soft spot for the guy. Remember when MTV used to play videos? That was pretty neat.

Here’s Steve talking about the delghts of the McDonald’s McGriddles. Gotta say I agree; they’re fucking delicious.

-VN

The Black Dahlia Murder’s new album, Deflorate, will come with one of those nifty bonus DVDs we get so often these days, and the band has released a short preview of said DVD, which you can check out below. I just watched the band’s other, gajillion hour DVD, Majesty, and if this is half as fun as that one – and the below clip suggests that it will be – then it’s gonna be totally worth buying a physical copy of the album to get the bonus disc.

Deflorate comes out September 15 on Metal Blade.

-AR

P.S. You should not actually attempt to deflower your DVD. For one thing, you’ll probably break the DVD, and I’d wager you’ll hurt yourself, too.

“You may think you know what a These Arms Are Snakes live show looks and sounds like… But if you’ve never seen them, I can guarantee that you have no idea.  Broken ribs, black eyes, self-induced concussions, and that is on a tame night!  Whether this is the first or the fiftieth time you have seen the band play, it’s safe to say that your face WILL BE melted by awesome!”

So begins the press release announcing this fall’s These Arms Are Snakes U.S. tour, and I really couldn’t've summed it up any better myself. Kip W. and I got pummelled by TAAS on Night 1 of this year’s SXSW, and having somehow never seen this amazing band live before we had no idea what we were in for. Vocalist Steve Snere hung from the rafters and drummer Chris Common is one of the most buttery smooth, finesse-style drummers I’ve ever seen in my life; I was transfixed. Don’t miss this one, kids!

Here’s the band performing “Abracadabra” live in 2007. Tour dates after the jump.

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Emphasis on “somewhat.”

This one is called “Acid Bubble.”

“Check My Brain” after the jump.

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Jeez Louise, has it been two weeks since the awesome Daath/Goatwhore show we checked out already? Wow. Time goes so fast. One day soon I’ll wake up dead. Deep.

ANYWAY, Metal Injection‘s Rob Pasbani (on-camera) and Frank Godla (manning the camera) were on-hand at said gig to interview 4/5ths of Daath (drummer Kevin Talley sat this tour out), and in typical MI fashion, they did so while everyone was completely fucked up. Which is probably why the interview is entertaining.

And we’ll have a brand new “Jumping Darkness Parade” from Daath guitarist Eyal Levi later today!

-AR

Although it might sound like a weird comparison, I’d like to posit the theory that Insomnium are melodic death metal’s answer to Woody Allen: they basically just keep making the same piece of art over and over and over again, making slight adjustments here and there, as though they were just trying to get it right, damn it. Luckily they’re still in the Annie Hall/Manhattan phase of their career, and not the Melinda and Melinda phase.

So. The third track from Insomnium’s new album, Across the Dark, called “Where the Last Wave Broke,” is now streaming on the band’s MySpace page. Personally, I think the first track (instrumental or semi-instrumental intro that starts out all quiet and builds to an epic crescendo) and second track (first proper song that gets the party started woot-woot) are always the best part of any Insomnium album, and Dark is no exception. That being said, “Wave” is still pretty killer.

Give it a listen, then weigh in with your thoughts in the comments section below. Across the Dark comes out September 7 on Candlelight.

-AR

There isn’t much for me to say about Eryn Non Dae.’s new video for “The Decline And The Fall,” other than its awesome, and more bands should make artsy-fartsy, abstract videos in which they appear fleetingly, if at all.

Hydra Lernaia, the new album fro Eryn Non Dae. – yes, that period is a part of their name – is out now on Metal Blade.

-AR

I’d seen this clip of some brat whose highest aspiration in life is to be in Attack Attack! once before, but completely forgot about it until MetalSucks Maniac Daisy May Tinklepants reminded me.

Not only does this kid suck, but you have to wonder what in the fucking fuck he thought was going to happen here. Is there any world in which anything even remotely resembling screaming would do well on American Idol? Did he think winning would up his street cred? The simple fact that he tried out means that no respectable band in the world should ever want to work with him, ever, under any circumstances.

Simon and Paula and the other one are still massive tools, but give credit to this dude for making them look good.

-AR

Eddie Van Halen is apparently going to appear on the shitcom Two and a Half Men this fall. I’m assuming the storyline will have something to do with him confusing the chubby kid from the show with his chubby son.

Not a Van Halen.

A Van Halen.

Eddie Van Halen joins a long line of hard rock musicians appearing on terrible television shows, including Anthrax, Slash, and Sebastian Bach.

-AR

Our favorite “old school brutal style” Texas metallers The Destro — recipients of my unofficial “best performance of New England Metalfest ’09” award — are fucking back, baby. MetalSucks is thrilled to be able to reveal the cover artwork for their new record Harmony of Discord, which will be released on October 13th through Ironclad Recordings. The band hired an all-star cast of characters to assist in the studio this time around; Harmony of Discord was produced & mixed by Unearth’s Ken Susi and was mastered by the infamous James Murphy (Death, Obituary, Testament). The brutal artwork you see above was created by Joe Hickman @ Dreams Like Fire Design.

We haven’t heard anything from the record yet, but it promises to be groovy and brutal. Brush up on old Destro material on their newly revamped MySpace page.

[After we completed our much ballyhooed 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century... So Far countdown last month, we invited all of the inhabitants of the MS Mansion to submit an "Albums We Wish Made the List" piece. Former Roadrunner Records A&R guru Mike Gitter, who was a member of the voting panel that constructed the list, asked us if he could submit an album he wished made the list as well, and we've posted his writeup below. Whether taken as part of our "21 Best" list or on its own as a regular editorial piece, it's a great look into a great album. Enjoy. -Ed.]

Boys will be boys…and boys get fucked over. And they hate girls. And instead of acting like a buncha homos, ‘writing love on their arms’ or any of those slogans you seen them pussies flagging t-shirts for at Bamboozle, Glassjaw laid down the bitchslap in-extremis. Everything You Ever Want To Know About Silence is a friggin’ landmark. A record that broke with their local Long Island hardcore tradition – counting lurvely lads from the likes of Silent Majority and that little know Jew Crew Sons of Abraham – and staked out some entirely new sonic turf. Think Bad Brains rapturous riff-o-rama, V.O.D.’s blazing intensity and a razor sharp lyrical sense from not-so-sucka MC Darryl Palumbo, now of dance-rockers Head Automatica.
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