I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve actually learned a lot from metal. For example, when I was a kid, I heard Axl Rose use the word “cunt” in the song “Bad Obsession” and subsequently asked my dad, “What’s a cunt?” To which he responded, “Your mother’s sister.” And I instantly knew exactly what a cunt was.

Metal continues to educate me every day, and this morning has been no different. Marduk have a new song, “Phosphorus Redeemer,” streaming on their MySpace page, and while I initially thought the title was just a nonsense combination of two words, it turns out that Marduk didn’t invent the phrase. Amazing!

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Vocal covers on YouTube are inherently funny… here you have literally hundreds of thousands of the world’s teenagers baring their voice for all the world to see, and for what? To be the next Tay Zonday? Or do people think they’ll actually be “discovered” and propelled to superstardom? As my good friend Axl said, “Why do people put this shit on the Internet? I sing poorly in my apartment all the time, but I don’t feel the need to share it with the world.”

An anonymous industry MS Maniac sent in this ace vocal cover of Cradle of Filth’s “Nemphetamine.” Pure gold. And then, after the jump, a pair of foxy, brunette twins we found in the “related videos” tab that actually do a decent job (but are no less hilarious).

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For realz??? Yes, apparently. Part of me knows how retarded this is, but the other part of me thinks Emmure are genuises for knowing their fans are stupid enough to buy into something like this. But stupid fans necessarily implicates their music as stupid, so… joke’s on them. Emmure: music for people stupid enough to buy branded boxing gloves.

-VN

[Thanks: Metal Injection]

Wanna know what’s worse than cops that have decided to ruin your day? Customs officials that have decided to make an example out of you.

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There’s some hype around Jennifer’s Body ’cause it’s the first film that stripper-turned-screenwriter Diablo Cody has written since she won the Oscar for Juno, which is one of those movies you either love or hate. But it’s from the director of the live-action Aeon Flux, which is a bad sign, and besides The Sword, the soundtrack is mostly hipster-douche bands I can’t stand. Of course, some people would argue that The Sword are a hipster douche band…

Anyways, it’s a slow news month, and any excuse to post Megan Fox looking all whorish pretty much the way she always does, right?

Jennifer’s Body comes out September 14. It takes place in a world where Amanda Seyfried is considered the ugly girl.

-AR

If you read this site regularly, you’re already aware that I’m a huge Chimaira fan. In fact, I pride myself on knowing way too much about them.

I guess I haven’t officially reached stalker status yet, though, because until I read this interview with Chimaira lead guitarist Rob Arnold, I had no idea that the dude had another band – The Elite.

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Longtime MS Maniac Kye just sent us the link to this video of Atreyu performing a new song, “Bleeding is a Luxury.” I don’t think I really care, but, y’know. It’s news. I think. Whatever.

Atreyu have a new album coming out, and I literally can’t be bothered to Google the name. The word Damned is in it, I think. It comes out, like, whenever.

-AR

I got to visit the set for Municipal Waste’s new video, “Wrong Answer,” and when I first arrived, I didn’t even recognize guitarist Ryan Waste. In fact, my first thought was “What the hell is the dude from Waking the Cadaver doing here?”

Ryan was just in costume, of course. Directed by David Brodsky, the video, as Waste and drummer Dave Witte explained to me, literalizes the song’s lyrics and portrays a game show where answering a question incorrectly has deadly consequences. That might sound like the description for a Miike movie, but this being The Waste, it’s actually quite funny.

“Wrong Answer” comes off the band’s new album, Massive Aggressive, which Earache released this week. I’ll have my interview with Waste and Witte up soon; in the meantime, enjoy the clip…

-AR

Last year’s contest in which we gave away a signed Mudvayne guitar was one of our most popular ever, so we’ve teamed up with Mudvayne and Warwick to offer MetalSucks readers a Warwick RockBass Vampyre bass, as well as the opportunity to have your questions about bass playing answered by Mudvayne bassist Ryan Martinie.

• 1st place winner: wins the Warwick bass, gets to ask Ryan Martinie their questions in a telephone interview, and wins a signed poster
• 2nd place winner: gets to ask Ryan their questions in an email interview and wins a signed poster
• 3rd place winner: wins a signed poster

Here’s how it’s going to work: Post a comment below, using a valid email address (winners will be contacted by email) in which you ask 5-10 questions about bass playing for Ryan Martinie to answer. Ryan will personally select three winners. You will have until 11:59pm EDT on Wednesday, September 9th to submit your questions, and winners be notified personally in the following days. So make your questions good! U.S. residents only, please. By entering, you certify that you have read the official contest rules here.

Our friends at Metal Insider found this two-year old phone call of an angry father scolding one “Mr. Borgir” – as in Dimmu – while his embarrassed son screams out complaints in the background.

I have no idea who the father was actually calling – does the Dimmu Borgir fan club have a 800 number or something? – and I highly doubt that this is real anyway. Regardless, it’s frickin’ hilarious, and I strongly suggest you give it a listen.

-AR

Chicago instru-metallers Pelican have posted a new song, “Strung Up From the Sky” — from their forthcoming full-length What We All Come To Need (October 27th, Profound Lore) — on their MySpace page. Pelican quietly released a 3-song EP earlier this year called Ephemeral, and the upcoming full-length will be their first for the Greg Anderson of Sunn O)))-owned Southern Lord Records. As someone who’s never really been that into this band before, I really dug the EP and I’m very much looking forward to the new album: the EP and one new song are tighter, clearer and seemingly more structured than what I’ve heard from the band in the past. So – check that new song out now and enjoy it whilst we wait for another one to hit the ‘net before the album drops in 2 months.

-VN

I made a joke earlier this week about Zakk Wylde taking the news of Ozzy’s new guitarist so hard that he wound up in the hospital for blood clots – but this has turned into some apparently serious shit. Not only has Wylde and Black Label Society been forced to drop off the Pedal to the Metal tour with Mudvayne, Suicide Silence, and some band where the dude has a stupid hair cut and is married to an ex-porn star, but he has to visit the hospital every 48 hours. A statement from Zakk (by way of the always helpful Blabbermouth):

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One of these days, I’m going to write a review for Iwrestledabearonce’s It’s All Happening. Swear it. In the meantime, as you could guess, I can tell you that I love the album and think you should buy it. So, that’s the short version.

The disc is finally coming out in Europe on August 31, and the band has launched a new website as a “virtual little treasure chest.” It’s all more or less bonus stuff that can be unlocked by forwarding the page to friends – in other words, X number of forwards unlocks Y cool shit. That’s a nifty little promotional tool.

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Here’s how Keelhaul drummer Will Scharf introduced himself and the band via e-mail: “I understand you’re doing research on senility, bad potty habits, and coping with walkers and Metamucil. We are the perfect subjects.” Old and incontinent Scharf may be, but he’s also hilarious, and a motherfucker of a drummer. There’s heavy jams and scrumptious fills a-plenty on Keelhaul’s new album Triumphant Return to Obscurity, out August 4th on Hydra Head, the Cleveland math- metallers’ first release in six years. It offers the kind of ultra-tight, largely instrumental ass-whuppin’ that just doesn’t come around that often anymore. Scads of Keelhaul’s contemporaries have blown up while they’ve triumphantly returned to waiting tables and running soundboards in their hometown, time and time again. The self-effacing Scharf doesn’t seem too bitter about it though. While it probably doesn’t take much to please a guy that describes corndogs as the “greatest invention ever,” I discovered that Scharf has a pretty healthy perspective about Keelhaul’s lot.

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Following three very special U.S. appearances earlier this month in Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York (effectively breaking their streak of visa issues), Swedish black metal battalion MARDUK will return for a full North American headlining tour this November dubbed the U.S. Plague Tour 2009. The band will be joined by Nachtmystium, Mantic Ritual, Merrimack and Black Anvil (on select dates).

Having missed Marduk at the aforementioned New York show and having been subject to at least 2 Nachtmystium cancellations in the past year, we’re psyched to be a part of this tour. Our own Corey Mitchell gave Mantic Ritual’s latest a five-out-of-five horns review, and Black Anvil are quite the talk of the town at the moment — we’re new to Merrimack, but we’ll certainly give them a shot. What a solid lineup. Full list of tour dates after the jump.

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Not necessarily metal, but the musicians amongst the MS faithful (which, thanks to Eyal’s post, we know to be many of you) should find this link to be really, really, really cool.

-VN

Slipknots For Jesus.

(2 ½ out of 5 horns)

-GS

[Gary Suarez would like to apologize to Corey Mitchell for stealing his bit. He usually manages the consistently off-topic No Yoko No. Say, why don't you follow him on Twitter?]

Way back in December on the eve of the brand new Bronx record Bronx III, frontman Matt Caughthran told me in an interview about a mariachi record the band had recorded concurrently with Bronx III. At SXSW this past March, Kip and I witnessed a very special Mariachi El Bronx performance in which the band performed a full mariachi set in full mariachi garb, and it was nothing short of spectacular. And finally 5 months later we get to hear said mariachi record (listen on MySpace), which came out yesterday. Reports Noisecreep:

The idea to release an entire album’s worth of authentic mariachi music came to the Bronx following an on-air appearance they did for Fuel TV. “It was kind of an acoustic thing,” says Caughthran. “The treatment for rock bands doing acoustic music is so horrible, and so generic. And it was something that we really wanted to stray away from. So we got some friends involved and did a mariachi version of ‘Dirty Leaves.’ And when we did that — the transformation, creatively — it was super inspiring, and it was something that we wanted to explore further.”

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Metal Legacies is an ongoing memorial to extreme music pioneers who kicked the proverbial bucket way too soon.

This is only my third Metal Legacies entry, yet it is by far the hardest to write. As a college radio metal/hardcore DJ at The University of Texas from 1988-1990 I was a huge Voivod fanatic.

It was War and Pain that did me in first.

Then Rrröööaaarrr.

Then Killing Technology blew my mind.

By the time I started playing cassettes and LPs (remember those?) late Friday nights for the imaginatively titled The Metal Show, Voivod released what I believe was their greatest album, Dimension Hatröss. And while I admired every aspect of the Quebec, Canada-based futuristic space thrashers — from Snake’s wailing vocals to Blacky’s angular bass playing to Away’s soulfully robotic drumming and one-of-a-kind artwork — the key selling point was always Piggy’s guitar playing.

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The answer to the last logo was Necros Christos. That’s not exactly the most original name for a metal band with an unreadable logo, but the name of our winner is pretty unique: Samial Chamberlain. I’ve never known anyone named Samial, but I think it’s a pretty cool name. And now Samial has won a copy of Coal Chamber’s self-titled album. So there’s that.

This week the good folks at Roadrunner have bestowed two (2) copies of Black Stone Cherry’s Folklore and Superstition to give away.  All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl AT metalsucks DOT net. We’ll randomly select two winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

Thanks to Tim McElroy for supplying this week’s logo…

-AR