How many times have you guys heard the cliché about the fifteen year old pimple faced kid with no life sitting on the computer in his mom’s basement getting on Blabbermouth, or Lambgoat, or any of these sites, and just talking mad shit about whatever band or person of note they feel like lambasting? Well, I’m here to say that the fifteen year old we all refer to is just a stereotype.

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Behemoth vs. Winds of Plague; Poland vs. America; Corpsepaint vs. wigger hats; ugly men vs. hot chick; real metal vs. deathcore; substance vs. gimmick. Who won????

The answer, as well as more of this past week’s metal Soundscan chart positions and sales figures, after the jump.

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Wow. This has to be one of the lamest videos I’ve ever seen. Even by middle-aged corporate rock standards. Sheesh.

-AR

You ask questions, Oderus answers. It’s a pretty simple formula, really. This week Mr. Urungus tackles MS reader questions ranging from crabcore to Anthrax to Hitler, raping whales, Lordi (and their inherent suckitude) and a whole host of other topics. Yeah, Oderus talks a LOT of shit in this one! Your questions answered, after the jump.

If you’ve got any questions for Oderus, drop them in the comments section for Oderus to answer next time around.

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I was initially optimistic about the latest cinematic update of The Wolfman (photo above right). The cast was pretty good (Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt), the legendary Rick Baker was doing the creature make-up, and music video director extraordinaire Mark Romanek was all set to helm.

Then Romanek fell out and was replaced by Joe Johnston (Jurassic Park III… ugh), and the production has been plagued by endless re-shoots and release date shifts and all the other things a studio does when they know they have a dog with fleas (or in this case a wolf with fleas) on their hands.

Perhaps even less enticing: Gene Simmons is doing the “howling” voice for the titular monster.

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Lately I have been in close contact with some of the most epic beards I have ever seen in my life. Until now, I never put much thought into the beard.  Its around the scene I associate myself with, but that has been the extent of my true exposure and understanding of the facial shrub. If I can’t grow one, why the fuck would I care? I’m a selfish bitch. Well, I believe I’ve finally found a reason. As a matter of fact, I found many fucking reasons to say this: I FUCKING LOVE BEARDS. YES.

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Did you know that MetalSucks’ very own Satan Rosenbloom runs his own blog, Cerebral Metalhead, where he writes under the ridiculous pseudonym “Etan?” It’s true. And he’s just alerted us to the fact that there’s going to be a black metal symposium, in which some intellectual types present papers – PAPERS! – on the topic of (duh) black metal. Says Satan:

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Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting Mets fans at Shea Stadium.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting fish in the ocean.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting recovering alcoholics at an AA meeting.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting tourists at a Planet Hollywood.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting douche bags who write for MetalSucks.

-AR

Did anyone else have the Faith No More Video Croissant VHS back in the day? It was a collection of all the band’s music videos up ’til that time (through Angel Dust, if my memory serves correctly) interspersed with band interviews. One of said interviews was Roddy Bottum recalling a time when FNM were doing a support stint on the Guns N’ Roses/Metallica stadium tour; apparently someone threw a bottle full of urine up on stage, and Mike Patton decided to pour said urine all over himself. That’s not quite as bad-assed as the members of The Black Dahlia Murder drinking urine – as they claim to have done on their Majesty DVD – but then again, BDM did it by accident, Patton did on purpose. So I think Patton wins the “batshit crazy” award.

Not quite as batshit crazy but still at least bird poop nutty: this video of Patton swallowing a shoelace from a sneaker thrown on-stage during a recent show in Budapest. Why would he do this? To cement his reputation as one of the best front men of the past twenty years? Because he has an actual chemical imbalance? Because he was just really hungry? Who the fuck knows.

Skip to the six minute mark to watch.

Meanwhile, FNM still have yet to announce any U.S. tour dates. I’ve heard people closely connected to the band speak with confidence that the dates are forthcoming, and I’ve heard people closely connected with the band swear that Patton is being a pain in the ass and the dates won’t happen. Let’s hope the people in the former category are correct.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

WRITTEN BY GUEST BLOGGER REVEREND DAVID J. CIANCIO OF BURGER CONQUEST

[Earlier in the summer, MetalSucks ran a special feature in which Shadows Fall went for a Burger Conquest at the Arctic Roadrunner in Anchorage, AK. You liked the story and demanded more like it. So: more like it. -Ed.]

With a 3rd Shake Shack location opened at Citi Field, home of the woeful MetalSucks favorite New York Mets, we had a perfect target for another Burger Conquest. But why stop at 2 blogs? We like to go big so we invited the Jose’s Chin Pubes from The Wright Stache (“The Internet leader in encouraging David Wright to grow a mustache”) and Mookie Singerman from the metal band Genghis Tron and our good friend Chuck — who somehow managed to hook up 5th row seats behind the 3rd base dugout, and also happens to run the road merch operation for Alice in Chains and others — to join in on our pursuit for a tasty burger.

If you’re a foodie like we are, you know all there is to know about the Danny Meyer “roadside” burger stand, the Shake Shack. If this is the first you have heard of it, there’s a reason for the hype; it’s awesome. You can read more by clicking here. One of our favorite summer pastimes is drinking and eating our way around a baseball park (See Yankee Stadium / Dodger Stadium Burger Conquests) this was lined up to be a lot of fun. With Mustaches adorned, we set off on our Conquest.

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In his “Tell Us Why MetalSucks Sucks” contest entry, finalist Malacoda accused us of not covering Nevermore at all. To this I have two things to say:

1) this is clearly not true. (ditto for All Shall Perish, the other band Malacoda suggested we gave the short shrift, whom we have covered in abundance)

2) fuck you.

To that end, here’s a video of a shred-off between Chris Broderick (now in Megadeth) and Jeff Loomis filmed at Jaxx in Springfield, VA in 2006. SHRED!

Nevermore are currently recording a new album. No word on a release date yet, but you’ll definitely know as soon as we do.

-VN

Speaking of our friends at Metal Injection: they found these groovy clips which collect all the metal-celeb guest appearances on Metalocalypse. In case ya don’t know, everyone from Hetfield and Hammett to Corpsegrinder to King Diamond has done voice work for the show… one of many reasons why it’s worth your time.

Here’s the clips from season 1; check out season 2 after the jump. And don’t forget that Dethklok have a new album coming out, to be immediately followed by a ridiculously awesome tour with Mastodon, Converge, and High on Fire.

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We’ve gotten a ridiculous number of e-mails over the past couple of weeks from people who want us to know how awesome the soundtrack for Brutal Legend, the upcoming metal-themed video game starring the voice of Jack Black, is going to be. As a matter of fact, we didn’t write anything about it because it was one of the situations where we got so many e-mails, we didn’t think we’d really be telling anyone anything they didn’t know.

But in case ya don’t know: in addition to more mainstream, Guitar Hero-friendly acts like Sabbath, Priest, Bodom, In Flames, etc., there’s also gonna be a bunch of more obscure (or at least obscure to non-metalheads) bands like Enslaved, Slough Feg, Coroner, Mirrorthrone, and a bunch of others. So, yeah. Whomever is putting this thing together really knows his or her shit.

Here’s the latest trailer for the game, courtesy our now 100% more worldly friends at Metal Injection. And in case you’re like the one person who doesn’t know, the complete soundtrack listing is after the jump.

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Last night a reader known simply as “Tim” e-mailed us to say that Glenn Danzig played drums on Hollywood Undead’s Swan Songs.

Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. Was this true? How come no one had said anything ’til now? So I investigated…

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Alright, kiddies. Sorry for the delay – there were so many good entries it took us a couple of extra days to narrow the field. After the jump, we’ve selected ten finalists for our best contest ever: take over MetalSucks for a day. Now it’s time for you guys to vote and decide who should win. Whomever gets the most votes gets to run MetalSucks for the entire day on Friday, August 28. In case you’ve forgotten the rules, you can read them here. On little change: this poll will now remain open until midnight EST on Monday, August 24.

Have at it! Read the finalists’ entries after the jump.

-Axl & Vince

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Am I the only one here that thinks that American bands shouldn’t be allowed to wear corpse paint? There should be a law in the metal books that states it. There’s some rules that us American metalheads must follow, like the famous “Don’t Wear Your Own Band’s Shirt Law,” for instance. It doesn’t apply to Europeans and that’s okay, they’ve got their own set of laws. It applies to us, though, and when you break it, people get to talking.

Well, I think that corpse paint should fall under the “Must Never Be Applied To The Face Of An American” law. I think it should be punishable by excommunication from the community. I’ve got my reasons.

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I picked up my copy of The New York Times this morning – yes, I still sometimes read a physical newspaper, ’cause I’m a dick like that – and was more than a little surprised to see Tom Araya’s photo alongside that of some distinctly non-metal performers on the front page of the arts section. Intrigued, I read the following:

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It’s a slow news day – fuck, it’s a slow news week, and as we move further into the doldrums of August, it’s only gonna get slower.

So. D.R.I.’s Dealing With It is Decibel’s Hall of Fame entry this month (and will presumably appear in Precious Metal 2: The Preciousining at some point), which got me thinking about D.R.I., which got me searching YouTube for old D.R.I. clips, which led me to this. I hope it brings you some modicum of enjoyment this disgustingly humid summer afternoon.

-AR

I’ve never been that into Every Time I Die (nothing against ‘em… just never really got into them) but for some reason I have this gut feeling that they are about to release an excellent album. New Junk Aesthetic comes out September 15 (check out the awesome artwork in full here), and the band has just posted a new song called “Wanderlust” for streaming on their MySpace page. It’s not as raw and dirty as some of their prior material, but it’s still pretty fucking cool.

Inevitably the MS Haterade Mafia will come out in droves for this one accusing me of pimping the latest “shitcore” band (I’m looking at you, Zilty) but I really don’t see anything “core” about this band, so fuck off. Listen with your ears and not your brains, fuckos, and enjoy this for what it is.

No word yet on the state of Andy Williams’ beard.

-VN

It should come as no surprise that we’re all pretty excited about Shrinebuilder here. And how could we not? It’s a fucking indie metal supergroup featuring Scott “Wino” Weinrich (Saint Vitus, The Obssessed), Scott Kelly (Neurosis, Tribes of Neurot), Al Cisneros (Sleep, Om, Asbestosdeath), and Dale Crover (Melvins, Altamont, Nirvana). Without hearing a single note–since the band has yet to release a single song–it is pretty much understood that its forthcoming self-titled debut shall destroy us all. I firmly belief that these men are the long promised Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Hopefully the particularly nasty bits in the Book of Revelation will take place after I get a chance to see the band play live. As of now, three Shrinebuilder shows have been announced, two on November 14 at The Empty Bottle in Chicago (one early, one late) and a third on November 15 at Le Poisson Rouge in New York City.

-GS

[Gary Suarez watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. He usually manages the consistently off-topic No Yoko No. Say, why don't you follow him on Twitter?]