WE TOLD YOU MONKEYS LIKE METAL
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 at 2:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
We are often asked how we train the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys, and the answer is surprisingly simple: we just play them metal. That’s one of the key reasons we selected monkeys to do our bidding. Yes, they like to throw poop, but they are excellent typists and just fucking love metal.
And now a scientific study at the University of Wisconsin confirms this little fact (about monkeys liking metal, not them being excellent typists). Satan Rosenbloom just showed us this story about the study, which found that monkeys prefer metal to classical, jazz, and even a certain classic rock giant:
Scientists played a selection of music to a group of cotton-top tamarin monkeys but the only tunes that got a reaction were from the heavy metal band Metallica. They were seemingly disinterested in Led Zeppelin, Miles Davis and Bach, but after the dulcet tones of Master of Puppets by Metallica was played the tamarins calmed down.
“Monkeys interpret rising and falling tones differently than humans. Oddly, their only response to several samples of human music was a calming response to the heavy-metal band Metallica,” said Professor Charles Snowdon, from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
Rather than making them agitated or aggressive, the heavy metal tracks had a soothing effect.
The best thing about tamarin monkeys? They already look like they’re wearing corpse paint.
So the next time some douche calls you a stupid simian for enjoying mosh pits, point out that if you were a simian, the metal would make you calmer, not more excitable. Ya heard?
-AR
Hey yeah, that monkey even looks metal! Now, if they would learn to throw the horns too…
Metal soothes me too, which why I listen to it. Does that make me more monkey than man?
I second that. Now, lets have a banana.
i do throw my own poo
The article goes on to say:
“Dr Snowdon no longer has a monkey colony to use in his research, but he said his co-author David Teie is exploring the concept of music for cats.”
As a resident of catopolis, I can safely say cats have really no reaction to heavy metal. Or classical or jazz. But man they hate that vacuum cleaner!
I can corroborate your theory. My cat doesn’t really seem to care much about heavy metal, but the vacuum cleaner terrifies him. And the sound of me opening a fresh jug of milk can apparently draw him out from anywhere in the house because he knows he’ll get a new milk ring to play with. Odd creature.
They’re not big fans of the coffee grinder either. Or the doorbell/buzzer.
I totally read coffee grinder as giraffe grinder.
That made my day. Thanks.
my cat doesn’t give two shits about metal from a sound system, but for some reason if i turn an amp on she will claw at the front grates.
So basically, they would be turned off by \\\Maytag
I like monkeys. And god forbid.
Too easy
that’s the most metal thing i have ever seen.
is it more metal than this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkTC4NVkzMA
The monkey looks like the singer for Toxic Holocaust… Just sayin’
haha he does +1
Maybe they were horribly offended by the terrible production on all Metallica records.
I downloaded this remaster of Master of Puppets a few years back that some audio engineer did in the 90s. It made master of puppets sound even better then it did.
Does the article refer to JS Bach or Sebastian Bach?
It pisses me off when people always assume that metal ‘agitates’ me or makes me more ‘aggressive’. Does your shitty 50 Cent song (because of course, they’re too damn cool to just buy a fucking CD, they have to download 1 or 2 songs) make you aggressive? No so shut the fuck up.
(although, full disclosure: 50 Cent sure as fuck would make ME aggressive, but just towards whatever it was coming from)
Come on, Metallica? I thought monkeys had better taste than that. Someone should play them Peace Sells.
Oh and also, my dog is a Norwegian breed, and he fucking loves that black metal.
This Makes Me Proud to go to a School that does fine Experiments like this. Wisconsin and Our Metal loving monkeys fuckin rule
my budgie likes metal the most too! and the louder the better. but he doesnt get calm. he totally rocks out. and he gets horny for katy perry too.