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Jumping Darkness Parade

JUMPING DARKNESS PARADE: EYAL ON FUCKING UP

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009 at 4:30pm by

jdp-01

We’ve all fucked up. Some worse than others, but we have all fucked up. And if you haven’t fucked up, it’s because you haven’t had the chance. It’s hard to fuck up if all you ever do is go back and forth between this website and World Of Warcraft. Unless you fucked up at that. But that doesn’t count because it’s not real life.

I’m talking about real life. We’ve all fucked up. And most of us have gotten away with some shit we shouldn’t have gotten away with. GUILTY. I have done so many idiotic things that sometimes I wonder why I’m not dead or have a record (Criminal, not musical.). I could write a leaflet entitled, “The Joys of Driving Drunk,” but I won’t. I’m just gonna tell you guys here about some stupid shit I’ve done. I learned my lesson. You guys shouldn’t do this, but those of you who will aren’t gonna listen to me anyways so whatever… have fun!

When fucking up, I think there comes an instance where you realize, “WOW, I really shouldn’t be doing this.” And if that feeling is strong enough, that will eventually separate those who wisen up from those who die.

Here’s an example. First time I went to see Opeth was in the Blackwater Park days. I had just started getting really, really into them, and I heard they were playing. My now-dead friend Dan and I decided to go. He brought eight joints of the finest weed we could find. During the opening bands we just creeped at the back and pounded Long Island Iced Tea after Long Island Iced Tea. I think maybe when I was ten deep when it was changeover for Opeth time. Dan and I powered our way to the front and just started smoking those magical joints. Somehow we didn’t get kicked out. Don’t ask me how, but we didn’t. That show was FUCKING SPECTACULAR. I felt like I was watching goddamn Led Zeppelin or some shit.

When the show was over, I got in my car to drive and realized that driving then was possibly one of the dumbest things I could ever do. How did I know? I was seeing triple and everything was soooooo fucking bright.

Well, I did it anyways. From the club to my house. All fifteen miles. I could’ve been arrested and never been allowed to play Canada or Japan. I could’ve wrapped my car around a pole. I could have killed a family or pedestrian. I could have completely fucked up everything I’ve ever aspired to become or do in this world because of one blasted night at an amazing show. None of those things happened. I just went home lucky as fuck. What a dumb thing to do. What was strange was that the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking, “This is fucking stupid. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I will never do this again if I make it.”

Well, that was in the year 2000, or 2001. I was an angel about it up until one fateful night in Phoenix, Arizona in 2008. I was there working on one of my other projects at the same time as a very big tour that had a lot of my friends on it was coming through. I had to go. It was like goddamn high school reunion. The kicker was that the tour was set to enter Texas the next day. Texas cops are notoriously vicious towards musicians, especially about weed. Consequently, the bands on the tour all had to unload all their weed.

Imagine a sweatshop comprised of a bunch of metal dudes you all know and listen to, all furiously rolling joints. There were about thirty joints all going around at once. And not to mention drinking. I drank so much whisky that night I could light your face on fire. Prior to the show I had a foresight that the night may degenerate, and I got a hotel room across the street. Well, after bus call, Kevin Talley, who was also bombed, and I got in my rental car and tried to find the hotel. Just across the street. What’s the big deal? Well guess what. WE COULDN’T FUCKING FIND IT BECAUSE WE WERE TOO FUCKED UP! So what was our logical conclusion? Drive ten miles on the highway to the house we were both staying at.

We made it. No incident. But fuck, man. What a dumb move on our parts. That night I decided it would never ever ever happen again and it hasn’t. It’s just not worth it, but it sure is fucking fun.

You guys ever gotten away with murder?

-EL

It would be really fucked up of you not to visit Daath on MySpace.

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  • Lee

    I wanna write the prologue for “The Joys of Driving Drunk.”

  • Gospel of Madness

    There have been several times in my life that, when I look back on it now, I’m pretty sure I should have either gone to jail or killed myself or someone else due to driving while intoxicated.
    I remember many an occasion that I was plastered and drove…the whole time telling myself how I should NOT be doing it.
    Lucky for me, I never once got arrested or ever hurt anyone, the only thing I ever did wrong was kill millions of brain cells.
    The good old days of drinking and debauchery…
    I almost miss them, but my conscience will never let me go back to those ways.

  • anttichrist

    Redlining away on my bike, middle of the night.. utterly plastered. I came back in one piece, and i will never ever do that again. That was fucking scary, in addition to mindnumbingly stupid.
    I strongly discourage anyone from trying.

    • timmah

      woo man i feel sketched out hopping on my bike after having 2 beers sometimes…it just affects me that much stronger when riding…

      • http://raiseyerfists.wordpress.com raiseyerfists

        A friend of mine wrecked his collarbone drunk-biking – crashed into a parked car and flipped over the hood.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason Crispen

    if you drive drunk, you deserve what happens to you

    • Rida

      Except for…y’know…when someone else is involved =/

  • GunMetalGrey

    Usually I am the one that doesn’t do anything amongst my friends so that atleast one of us is capable of doing something logical. I am 21, but this was when I was younger.

    However, one night I decided to have maybe have just “one” shot of Jack Daniels. I heard your band Daath was playing in Atlanta. Well am born and raised in Atlanta…and I know all the back roads so I could avoid the cops. However, instead of just one shot…I had atleast five. Well, because everyone was so far gone in that car, we ended up missing your show. I was pissed to say the least…and of course…things always get worse.

    Cop car pulls us over. He gets to the driver side window. I roll it down…and I just begin what I believe should be an Oscar worthy performance. I begin just cussing and have a tear rolling down my check and just yelling, “I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE IS DEAD! I FUCKING CAN’T BELIEVE SHE IS DEAD!”

    I tell the cop I just got a call from my dad my mom is dead and that is why I was speeding. He feels bad and just lets someone else drive. We make it home. It was my first and only time I drank and drive.

    • Owen

      Well played sir!

    • Double D

      5 shots? Lightweight, huh?

      • GunMetalGrey

        Lightweight at the time. I was 16 and it was probably my first time with Jack Daniels. Hey…I had to start somewhere! haha

        • Slaythecore

          Dude that was brilliant. Probably a little easier to pull off being hammered and all, but still, brilliant.

    • SourDeez

      I pulled a similar stunt with some friends when we were really fucking young, probably like 12 or 13. We snuck out late at night and we were hanging out down by the Hudson river in NYC, lighting shit on fire. We were making all sorts of minor explosives, and we had just lit up the makeshift fuse of a bottle full of lighter fluid when two cops showed up from behind us out of nowhere. I kicked the bottle into the river just as it was about to ignite and said, really solemnly “Rest in peace, Grandpa”. They totally bought it, and thought we were burning a candle. One of the cops said “Oh, I see what you’re doing here, sorry for bothering you. Just get home, you guys are kind of young to be wandering around here this late”. I guess the dead relative trick has a high rate of success.

  • Tim

    There are certain stupid things I’ve done… for instance, you never really realize how fast golf carts go until you try jumping off of one at full speed… but never while intoxicated… because I’ve never been intoxicated… but I do enjoy using (…) a lot.

  • Double D

    A few years ago I was invited to a party by a co-worker. I live in Gainesville, Florida, home of the University of Florida. Consequently, there are a lot of frat boys in my town. This leads to a lot of parties with frat boys at them. This party was just such a place. Well, my girlfriend and I went to the party where I decided to get HAMMERED. I was having a good time and everything when I went over to the ping pong table to watch some beer pong. I was standing and watching when the (very large) frat guy that was playing stuck his arm out and guided me away from the table in a “move back” motion. I looked at him and, politely, asked him to not touch me. A minute later he did the same move. This time I smacked his arm and said, “Hey, don’t FUCKIN’ touch me!” He squared up on me and after a tense moment, I thrust my completely full beer into his face and then cracked him good with a left. He fell onto a near-by couch where I continued to choke the shit out of him. Well, if you don’t know (and I didn’t remember), frat boys tend to travel in packs. I was grabbed off of Chad (or whatever the fuck fratboy name you wanna give him) and was thrust to the ground. Lead frat boy #1 started to choke me while henchmen #1,2,3,4,and 5 kicked the shit out of me. My girlfriend grabbed lead frat boy #1, screamed at him to get off of me and decked him. She is 5’1 and I was very proud. A few people who just wanted the fight to end grabbed her and eventually helped me up. I could have gone home and let it lie there. Nope, I went out into the parking lot to my car. I was followed outside by a few of the frat guys and decided to open my trunk where a Louisville Slugger was waiting. When one of the frat boys approached me from behind I turned around and swung that thing in a downward chopping motion. It clipped him right where the neck and shoulder meet and he proceeded to fall backward to the asphalt. Well, a bat doesn’t do much after the first hit in a situation in which one is so outnumbered, so it was promptly taken away from me. Somehow, the bat didn’t end up getting used on me but, the fraggots spent about 2 more minutes beating the piss out of me. I eventually got in the car and my girlfriend drove us home. I got away with a black eye, some scrapes and some car damage from driving through them as we drove off. I heard the dude I hit the bat was in the hospital for a few days.

    • Double D

      Oh yeah, I guess I got kicked in the shoulder while I was down because that shit hurt for about 3 weeks.

  • Joker

    Kinda random, but I just finished watching Phil Anselmo talking about fucking up. That guy has probably seen it all and done it all, but still comes across as a smart and reflected fellow imo. It was very motivational to watch. Below is a link for those who care:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAbYH2I-yxA&feature=related

    • DidgeryDoo

      Smart? Mellow?!?

    • goolash

      Yeah, weird hearing Phil these saying “dont do drugs”. After for partying for years, dont care who you are you’ll get burnt out/dead/or in jail.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

    OMG! I HAVE FUCKED UP SO MUCH!!!

    let’s see, where do i begin?

    first of all, there was this one time when i was driving down a country road and i was trying to change the song on my ipod at the same time and i almost ran into another car!

    then there was this other time when i decided not to get a new reed out for my saxophone and use an old crappy one instead right before a state solo and ensemble performance. i barely got a one.

    this other time i decided that it would be cool to put eyeliner on below my eye as opposed to only putting it above my eye like i normally do for a jazz band performance. i looked like such a whore.

    a few summers ago, i downloaded about 300 songs off limewire in one night.

    then there was this one time when my dad had a dinner party with his fellow doctors. i ended up drinking so much wine that i almost got a buzz.

    i am such a bad ass! i should be in jail.

    • Erin Andrews

      haha you’re cute :)

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jacob-Martin/645099086 Jacob Martin

        I’m really hoping a lot of that is sarcasm…But if the 2nd one isn’t, then fuck yeah for metal-listening sax-players.

  • cougar party

    My buddy was moving away to Alaska and several of us went out to the bars and got fucked up. Somehow I ended up driving this expedition around. We got completely smashed. I ended up successfully dropping everyone off and on my way home, THEN got pulled over. I was way too drunk to even attempt at lying about my sobriety. Naturally, I knew I was totally fucked.

    He got me out of the car and told me I was obviously fucked up and they were gonna take me in for a DUI. Then, a miracle happened. As I was getting handcuffed by his partner, the first cop said, “Wait a minute…” thought for a second, then said it was my lucky day. He was going to just tow my car and told me to get the fuck out of there before he changed his mind.

    I’ve never been so happy to be stranded 10 miles from my house in the pouring rain at 3am. Luckiest day of my life.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    I saw Sharpen The Blades on the Metal channel today while I was watching TV. As soon as that was over I went to the Guitar Lessons section of my On Demand and there was a GuitarWorld lesson from you and Emil! Coincidence or are you guys just getting that popular? You’re quite a soft-spoken dude too, that came as a little suprise.

    And in no way did I fuck up the operation of my TV remote.

    • Master Chah

      ^ searches for metal channel.

    • Jamie

      …metal channel? had I known one of those existed I would watch tv more often.

    • \m/Eluveitie\m/

      It’s like 715 or something in my Music Choice channels…Comcast On Demand in Chicagoland!

      • Jonathan

        And once again, Comcast proves that even though its customer service sucks, what it offers is well worth what you pay.

    • Sin and Death

      Ahh… The Metal Channel.

  • o0Stacey0o

    Both me and my friend got DUI’s the same night around the same time about 10 minutes away from one another. I hit a couple cars going the wrong way on a one way, and he fell asleep at the wheel and hit a few cars as well. No one got hurt. And all I got was a find and 3 months phone-in probation. Got away with MURDER. I’ve done waaaaaaaaaaaaay more then that. Way too much to list. How I am not dead is honestly beyond me.

    Eyal, I am glad I finally heard someone else say they got lost at a place that was right in front of their face. You wake up the next day and you think to yourself, “Okay, really? REALLY, SELF”? Its those moments that make everything else we fuck up at look like a damn cake walk.

  • MuthaFuckaI’mAHeadBusta

    I once ate a butter-rum Life Saver and crashed a zepplin into an Olive Garden.

    • \m/Eluveitie\m/

      That was you? You need to start taking out more of those places…

      • MuthaFuckaI’mAHeadBusta

        You wouldn’t believe how hard those things are to steer!

  • ceth carter

    Eyal,I was like you and could have written a how to guide on how to drink and drive and somehow always get away with it,that was until 2007. Was working a third shift job. Got off for the weekend on Saturday morning.Stayed up the entire day after working all night. i went to a friends house to hang for awhile and ended up drinking way more than intended after being up for almost 24 hours. It got time to leave and I just proceeded as normal…got most of the way home and the no sleep with the way to much drink kicked in and i fell asleep and slowly rolled off of the road into a ditch. Cops came and the rest is history. Big time fuck up and no fun calling your pregnant wife from a small town jail cell at 6 in the morning. That pretty much changed my outlook on getting from place to place.

  • Justin

    One time me and my friends were going to a Gwar show, I was driving and my friends had a case of Miller Lite in my car. We decided to go in late because all the opening acts were local bands. Anyways we smoked a blunt, I only took 2 drags because I was driving. Anyways before we go to the gwar show, since I wasn’t dropping my friends off after, we had to find a place to hide the booze. Since I was driving high, it made me paranoid. So we go try to find these places near the venue and as we get to the back parking lot of this office complex, we see 2 cars. I thought they were cops at first. So we try to get out of there and it was a tight parking space and before you know it I backed into a parked truck. Even though there was no damage done to my car or the truck, it still made a loud ass noise. Then right after that, the 2 cars that see us take off.

    So after that, my friend has me drive through this neighborhood for no reason and out of all places we end up at, we end up right next door to where I hit the truck. Once were there I’m like you get that beer out of my car and let’s get the fuck out of here. Then he decides not to come with us and then he calls me to come back and bring his sweater and I say too fucking bad.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

    I’ve never really been much of a drinker, so I don’t really have any stories to add to this. My friend, however, is a bit of a drinker, not to the point that he gets plastered much, just that he can have several beers and drive home without issues. Once, after having six or seven beers somewhere with us, he was on his way home and got pulled over. They gave him the sobriety test, and he fucking passed with flying colors. He was lucky they didn’t give him the breathalizer.

  • MetalRod

    I’ve fucked up every single time I click on one of those “Shitstain on the Ass of the Universe” videos!

  • Lord Bling

    The last time I got really fucked up and drove home, my girlfriend was seriously freaked, even the next day. I didn’t remember driving home; I didn’t remember talking to her for half an hour after I got home; nothing. I felt really shitty about it. So, if I have more than a couple, I get a DD, a taxi, or I call her to get me. No exceptions.

    BTW, great post Eyal. Hopefully the comments stay part funny stories, and part ‘learn from my mistakes’.

  • Sammy

    Annually around 12,000 people die in the U.S. from drunk drivers. Homicide by driving while impaired is the single most preventable kind of death. Laughing about how you “got away with it” is insanely immature and fucking moronic. I love reading about the drunk driver in a single car accident who now resides in a wheel chair, pissing through a catheter. Because at least that shitstain on the ass of the universe didn’t hurt someone else.

    Call a fucking cab, shithead.

    • Eyal Levi

      I think that’s the point

      • Sammy

        I just said it in a more forthright manner. :)

    • Sin and Death

      Quit boring me with your fancy facts and statistics. Have a beer and lighten up!

      • MuthaFuckaI’mAHeadBusta

        Why not make it a Guiness Extra Stout. Ask for it by name.

      • MuthaFuckaI’mAHeadBusta

        Why not make it a Guinness Extra Stout. Ask for it by name.

      • http://www.segadriven.com Hairyman

        Why not make it a Guiness Extra Stout. Ask for it by name!
        Why not make it a Guiness Extra Stout. Ask for it by name!
        Doop doop doo de doo!
        Why not make it a Guiness Extra Stout. Ask for it by name!
        Why not make it a Guiness Extra Stout. Ask for it by name!

        This is a good jam! Wanna cut a demo?

    • Noel

      uhh sammy? your a fuckin moron. thats exactly what he was sayin. be safe. you fuckin moron.

      • Sammy

        Noel, my comments were more directed at the moron commentors who seemed to laugh off their brushes with drunk driving. “And this one time, at band camp, I drank a gallon of Everclear and drove. It was crazy, man!”

        And Noel, anyone who calls someone a moron, twice, but hasn’t ever heard of an apostrophe, really needs a better mirror.

        • Lizard Sandwich

          SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK

  • DidgeryDoo

    Eyal,

    I’ve been in the situation you described more times then I can count. I really need to not do it anymore too because I know that statistically speaking I can’t go on much longer without getting into some serious shit either for me or others.

    Where I live there was recently a really bad DWI/DUI accident that makes me really think. In this one a middle aged woman had ten shots of vodka and smoked before driving her daughter and two nieces home. If you’re from NY you probably allready heard about this. The lady drove on the Taconic Parkway for several miles going the wrong way. She eventually had a head on collision that killed herself and seven other people.

    I usually enjoy the same mixture as her, although I prefer straight Jameson to vodka any day. Thanks for posting this. It’s making me think about something I should definitely have on my mind. I can’t afford fucking my life up on this after everything I’ve worked for.

    • SourDeez

      Yeah dude, I remember hearing about that. Crazy shit.
      Straight Jameson is absolutely the best way to go.

  • Timothy

    The only thing worse than driving drunk is driving drunk while under age. That’s when I did most of my drunk driving (stupid). Now that I’m legal I don’t do it. I finally realized that it is never… never worth the risk.

    PSA: Plan ahead. Make sure you either have a sober driver or a place to stay within walking distance.

  • The Hate Machine

    I have to admit that i did some really fucked up shit when i was 15. ended up in prison for several years. All of it was drug and alcohol related. Needless to say it killed my chances of ever being the musician i know that i am. I cant leave the country for tours. I fucked my whole life up from thinking i was invincible. Im 39 now and the most i can get involved in is local bands that i know will go nowhere because i cant let it get too far. Success for them would be the end of me musically. I still cant accept what happened even though i took the blame. I have never been able to accept not fullfilling my dreams. Who knew you could fuck up so bad as a teen to scar the rest of your life. Wish i would have learned moderation back then.

    • chinnymac

      Damn man, I feel for you. BTW…are you from the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area?

  • goolash

    I’m ashamed of shit ive done. Drunk drove one too many times. Urinated on a friend while he was asleep( I didnt know I was doing it). Nothing like this is excusable. Learn from you mistakes

  • Tyrant

    I loll’d.
    But… be smart man, I want to keep hearing your music. Don’t go die anytime too soon

    • Eyal Levi

      Not going to be dying from the reasons mentioned above.

      Or pnuemonia I don’t think

      Maybe a plane crash on the way to Europe next week though

  • goobah

    The worsrt fuck up i ever did happened three years ago. I was 14 at the time and not allowed to smoke. If I didnt have a lighter i couldnt get a hold of my parents (because they hid their lighters) they were extremely opposed to me smoking. If i was caught i’d have to write 1000x” I will not smoke cigarettes” i didn’t have any money to try to buy a lighter. If I were to light cigarettes off the stover it makes a loud clicking noise etc.
    the “smartest”, (this is ironic), thing to do was to wait for the furnace pilot to kick on and light a candle i found off of that. I stuck the candle in a milkcrate. And carelessy smoked and played guitar for most of the day. I then went downstairs to grab a snack, take a shit, and check my email, right as i was getting done on the computer. my brother ran down the stairs screaming “FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!” and long story short i’m i dipshit who’s parents luckily had GOOD INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THE END

  • dick

    I dropped 2 hits of lucy, then found out I had to work.
    Didn’t get fired, but it was intense

    • SourDeez

      Goddamn. And I thought going to Disneyland with Uncle Sid was intense.

  • Jonathan

    I ended up saying really stupid things to one of my ex-girlfriends online, and her mom caught it. I nearly got arrested because of how explicit some of that stuff was. A year later, a similar fuck-up happened with another ex-girlfriend’s parents. And I’ve nearly gotten arrested several times for trespassing on a construction site. Ever bike down a near-40-foot high pile of rock and dirt? Even climb back up the other side that’s at like at an acute angle with the ground?
    Maybe not as dangerous as driving high or drunk. But still pretty damn stupid. But fun, for sure.

  • -gODGRINDER-

    Yes I have.

    I’m not going into the details because I don’t feel like putting it in print.

    But I’ve been off the sauce for 14 months now as a result.

  • Leland

    During the summer in between my freshman and sophomore year of high school in Fallbrook, Ca. I began dating a girl named Faryn, and at the time she was actually 4’11″. She had short hair, huge tits, and cuts all over her wrists. I thought she was fucking hot as hell. Faryn, i believe, was the most unhealthy relationship i have ever been in to date. Crazy shit no teenagers should really be exposed to, and looking back as an adult, I’m still shocked and speechless at how insane some of the shit was we went through as a couple.
    I remember I took Faryn’s virginity on the 4th of July in ’05 (there’s been some debate through-out the years to weather she was actually a virgin or not, but to the best of knowledge she was). I don’t remember too many details of that night to be honest. i know it was at my friend Strobe’s house, i remember it was extremely unromantic (sorry Faryn), and i remember we got in a fight later on that night. I must admit i was probably the worst influence on her I could have possibly been. I took her virginity, not to mention countless sex related exploits, i got her stated smoking, and i abused her emotionally like like giving an Ethiopian kid a “Toys ‘R Us” catalog.
    Having said that though, we also had a lot of fun. We went on crazy adventures, we had tons and tons of friends, and we did something on most every free night we had. It was kind of like a Sid & Nancy style relationship and we really were just making it up as we went. Really we were just crazy teenagers with nothing to lose living in southern California.
    Following are some of the stories i hand picked to showcase how hilarious and disastrous it all was.

    A) The Infamous Major Market Bag Night:
    One night Faryn and i stayed the night at my best friend and fellow Bandit Jon Smith’s house who just happened to be dating Faryn’s best friend at the time, Tammy Taco. I remember all 4 of us were in Jon’s room when he and Tammy began hooking up. I don’t remember exactly what happened but Jon leaned over to me and said “Hey can i have your condom, i left mine in the car and I’m gonna try and stick it in her ass. I’ll give you mine when I finish.” No problem i thought, so I handed him over the condom. Several seconds later Faryn and I hear Tammy scream “Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!” so fast it sounded more like a horse galloping than a girl asking for her anal virginity back. Faryn and I busted up laughing and left the room to give the couple a little privacy, not that it really matter with this sick group of teenagers.
    Later on that night, I stumble over to Jon just as Faryn and I are getting ready to go to sleep to get that condom he owed me. We both walked out to his car to look for it, however, that fucking rubber was no where to be found. I was so fucking pissed at him. Having just had a pregnancy scare I knew I wasn’t getting laid without some sort of protection. I crawled into bed with Faryn and we started cuddling and kissing and all that (and when I say bed I mean her and I sleeping under an unzipped sleeping bag on bare mattress on my friends floor). After maybe 10 minutes of kissing with her a little, I informed her of our problem and suggested the only logical idea my mind could condure up: find a replacement. A simple idea in theory, but when you don’t have a condom, what exactly can you substitute?
    I told Faryn to stay put and I’d take care of everything. As I walked into my friends kitchen to look for a condom replacement, I remember being completely stumped as to what I was actually gonna use. The first thing that caught my eye was aluminum foil. I knew that wouldn’t work at all, but the more and more I tore through Jon’s kitchen finding nothing, the more and more the foil was starting to sound like the only practical option,and then I opened the fridge.
    The door swung opened and I rampaged through the fridge as if I knew there would be a pack of Trojans hiding behind the rotten milk and tequila. There were no condoms in the fridge, as you might guess, but, there were apples, big, beautiful red delicious apples. You know those really thin produce bags from super markets you put fruits and veggies in when your shopping… I know, right? I threw the apples on the counter and ripped off a piece of the bag big enough to do the job and headed back into the room confident and with a smile on my face.
    “Faryn, let me see your hair-tie.” I whispered in her ear as i crawled back onto the mattress.
    “Why?” she asked with a confused look on her face.
    I explained to her that i thought if I put the section of the bag I had ripped of over my penis then secured it with a hair-tie or rubber band I thought iy would work perfectly as a kind of home made condom. After a couple minutes of convincing her how great of a plan this was Faryn was on board with the idea.
    Wrapping a hair-tie around a produce bag on your penis while still trying to stay intament is extremely awkward, but it can be done. I remember that 2 wraps around was kind of loose but 3 wraps felt way too tight. What could I do? I didn’t want it to slide off inside of her and have to retrieve it while fishing through a mixture of our fluids, however, I was real afraid of rupturing a vain in my penis somehow by cutting off circulation.. Whats a boy to do? After a short deliberation with myself, I decided 3 wraps around was the better route to go.
    There was little to no foreplay, which wasn’t unusual. Faryn could not stand having a penis in her mouth. Usually when she gave me head it was more to practice for her than it was for my pleasure. She also didn’t like to be eaten out at all. I don’t know if it was cause i was really bad at it at the time or because she genuinely didn’t like it, but i was 15 or 16 at the time so it didn’t bother me at all.
    Once i was fully erect i put the contraption on myself and proceed to make penetration. Usually when Faryn and I had sex it was in the missionary position, not because we thought this was some amazing position or anything, we were both just young and inexperienced. This nightt however I remember we did it doggie style, and i believe it may have been the first time I ever tryed this. At first it was horrible. Since all this had taken place the mood had kind of been lost and i remember Faryn wasn’t as wet as she was before I had left the room. Also, the bag just wasn’t made to be used that way so it didn’t quite sit right and it wasn’t really pleasurable at all. After the 5th trust or so I remember just going from my penis feeling numb to my penis feeling amazingly embraced with warm wet vaginal walls. The condomish thing had broken and we re right back at square one.
    I told Faryn about what had happened and she just told me to finsh up and pull out, which I did. After that I’m sure we cuddled a bit and fell asleep both unsatisfied and disappointed in the awkward sex that had just taken place. In fact, the only one who really got any enjoyment at all that night was Jon. Here’s to you SmithXstyles.

    • Turk

      haha nice story! though your ending was a bit vague; did the plastic bag just fall off your penis to the ground or get lost inside her forever?

  • http://buttor.blogspot.com Buttor

    I wish I could say how bad I fucked up, but I would get in trouble if I did… All I can say is that it involved wrecking a car with a baseball bat and asking cops for weed…

  • http://www.myspace.com/somekindofhellband natallica81

    lots and lots of shots. driving my best friend home we each threw up 3 or 4 times, laughing more and more each time. pulled in to a home-operated car repair business near his house to puke one last time, got back in the car and fuckin red and blue lights were flashing behind us. i check my rear view and there was a cop car that had pulled up and parked directly behind my car while we had been throwing up. officer dude bro approcahed my window and i had already rolled it down (thats what she said about my uncircumsized dick) and he asked for ID and registration. at this point i’m convinced and freaking out that i am 100% fucked, no way out of this ever. so i fumble in my glovebox and get my reg. and pull my wallet out of my back right pocket, open it up and slide out my license. i was sure it was my license. orrrr it was my visa debit card. i handed the cop my registration and a credit card, and i looked at my friend and he shook his head and had a face of such defeat, i knew we were done. then, some fuckin ninja cop appears on my friends side of the car, and is like “ohh i’ve dealt with you before haven’t i?” and my buddy goes “yeaaaaaa you have heh”. i realize the mistake i’ve made and shake my head at myself, then i pulled out my actual license and ashamedly took the visa back from the cop. the pork goes and checks my ID and shit, and both flank us yet again on both sides. the cop on my side literally said “you’re set to go” and handed me back my registration and ID. i look at my friend and were both like uhhhhh are you fuckin serious are they actually letting us fucking go and he wisely says to the cop “would you want us to walk the rest of the way to my house?” to which the cop replies, exactly, “yea, that would be a good idea.” cops pulled away, and we walked the FUCK back to his house. to which later i took off my shirt and threw up on it so i didnt puke directly on his carpeted basement floor. true story. in summary, i got a free pass. a HUGE one. and im super high right now remembering this story.

  • troubleGUM

    i remember wen me and my friends thought we could get away with anything, my friend stole a fucking plasma screen tv and speakers, i used to steal heaps of guitars and effects and hock them the next day. i have NO idea how we got away with that shit but we had many close calls until one day i was wlking aroung the spot where we usually hang and there was a shit load of cops and i came up to one and asked the the fuck was up, they said they were looking for a brunet chic (being me) and a tall guy with black hair. fuuuuuck thaaaat! thank god i bleached my hair a few nights before! though my friend got away just in time, he was wanted all around sydney, they were looking for him everywhere cuz there was more than a million dollers worth of shit that he stole over a period of time. so now he lives in western australia and i havent seen him for a year and a bit.

  • Die Britney!! Die!!

    Hi Eyal,

    I live in Mumbai India and I must tell you something…. We did not have DUI laws until about December 2007!! So basically you could drive completely wasted and even if you wrecked your car or ran over somebody, the cops wouldn’t do anything coz there was no actual law on driving drunk…

    Well, the law got enforced in 2007 because of two people who thought they we too clever ran over and killed three pedestrians each on two seperate occasions. One is a famous Bollywood actor (I wont name him coz I dont want him to get the free publicity) and the other was a rich kid whose dad came to his rescue… Both of them are free today enjoying their lives….

    To make matters worse, cops here are given paid incetives on the number of people they catch for DUI!!! So you cant even bribe them easily!!

    I got caught for drunk driving a year ago. Random police checking. I was driving properly. They did a breath test and told me I had failed, which I accepted and they impounded my car and took a fine from me on the spot. I was also asked to appear in court and plead my case… It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life… But guess what… My lawyer kept postponing the court hearings and eventually a year later the court lost my case papers and cant trace them…. I thank God everyday….

    Driving under the influence is not something to take for granted. And I personally beleive its not metal…

    Cheers!!

  • stoneburner655

    I will say one of the dumbest ideas Ive ever had being fucked up was when I was about 14 or 15 (9th grade is all I remember specifically). My best friend at the time,whom I had many instances of getting trashed with, had jsut begun experimenting with shrooms. He had done them several times and told me how crazy it was and but that it wouldnt be that bad if I decided to try them. Well my girlfriend at that time who was obsessed with Tim Burton films decided we should all go see the new Charlie & the Chocolate Factory high as shit. What we didn’t tell her was that we were planning on going high on mushrooms- not green.

    Prior to the beginning of the movie (about 30min.) my friend and I ate at least 6-10 small caps and 3-4 large caps each. I had never done them before and had no idea what kind of limit I should set on my self and he hadnt done enough to know that was probably a few too many. I expected everything to be completely cool…

    I was sooo wrong.

    At the point in the movie where Johnny Depp first comes out the factory I started to lose it. I told them I couldn’t stay in here for that because it was too intense & ran out before anyone could say otherwise. When I got into the hallway I then proceeded to throw up and pass out until my g/f threw powerade on me to wake me up. She told me she was going to go get my friend and for me to wait there for them to return. Unfortunately that was impossible for me and as soon as she left I went to the bathroom to go see just how bad I looked. Understand that at the day Im wearing all black (Tripp pants & band tee) with green spiked hair and a dog collar. my friends were all dressed similar so saying we looked odd would be an understatement. Somewhere in that space of time my friends came out to find me missing and began looking for me (without me knowing they were). I walked out to find the hall empty and the trip only getting harder. I decided then and there to go and look for my friends who just HAD to be in the theater and forgot about me (that was my line of thinking at the time). So I began to search the theater- the wrong theater. I was walking up to people in the rows asking them if they had seen the “people that look like me.” this went on until some people began to get angry and I decided it best to leave before I got in trouble. As soon as I went out into the hall again though I began hearing child like laughter and that instrument that a jack in the box sounds like when you wind it. I sat down beside a steel trash bin and began crying because at this point I was out of it completely; walls fluctuating, lights dimming and brightening, sounds distorted, everyone it seemed was looking at me!

    Luckily my friends eventually found me. They went to the grocery store beside the theater because that’s where they thought i had gone to escape. We then had to drive about 20miles from the theater to my g/f’s house high on mushrooms -none of us with licenses in a 68 El Camino, primer black with no AC.
    Needless to say all I remember about that was that we stopped at a gas station momentarily to sell some of the shooms to a girl we knew. While there I thought I sat in a fire ant bed beside the car and began running around screaming in the parking lot about it and not a single ant or ant bite on me. No, there wasn’t even an ant bed there.

    After that we rode the next 16 miles and all I recall is the song Wonderwall by Oasis and the sound of the wind roaring in my ears because the windows were down due to no AC.

    How we got back safely and not get busted by the cops I’ll never know.

    • SourDeez

      Everyone and their grandma has a drunk driving story, but those hallucinogen stories are always the craziest. I’ve got one for you. One night, my best friend and I decided that we wanted to drop some acid. Both of us have had lots of experience with psychedelics so we weren’t planning on a crazy night, just a nice mellow trip at my house. We called our friend/hookup who always gets great stuff and he decides that he wants to come over to my place and take some of it with us. This guy is a trained martial artist, as well as a weightlifter, and he has some very….bizarre philosophies on life, to say the least. So he shows up with a bag of sugar cubes, my best friend and I each take 2, and he takes FIVE. Each one had two or three hits on it. I only let him take that much because he’s fucking insane and takes tons of strange drugs, so I didn’t think the acid would faze him too much. Needless to say, he completely loses his mind. Now, most people who lose their mind on acid either get scared or just go kind of catatonic. Not this guy. He had no idea what was going on, or who he was, but he continued to interact with us and some other friends of ours. So basically, I’m tripping my nuts off and all of a sudden I have a 6’2″, extremely powerful motherfucker wearing steel-toed boots going batshit on acid in my house. He’s throwing punches, telling us he’s god, telling me that he would kick my dog if I didn’t summon certain people. We tried to get him outside, terrible idea considering I live in downtown Manhattan and it was a Saturday night. He starts screaming that we’re going to “win tonight”, and that we’re going to kill someone. In the middle of the crowded street he’s yelling “why couldn’t we kill someone tonight?” People are staring, people are frightened. He’s screaming at people on the street, telling them that they’re his disciples and that we’re going to swim in a mountain of acid (yes, swim in a mountain). We somehow avoid drawing too much attention to ourselves, get him back inside to my courtyard, and he starts swinging a shovel around and throwing shit everywhere. The scary thing was that he had no idea he was doing any of this, his rational mind no longer controlled his body. It actually reached a point where for once in my life, I thought I might actually have to call the cops to have him taken away. Finally after about 6 hours he started coming back, and it was like watching a ghost return to a dead person. And this was the guy who BROUGHT the fucking drugs! It just goes to show that anyone, no matter how experienced, needs to exercise some serious caution when it comes to taking hallucinogens. Mushrooms and acid are both incredibly powerful substances, and unlike alcohol you don’t just wind up huddled over a toilet puking if you take too much. You could do serious damage to yourself or others if you dose too liberally. I haven’t touched anything besides weed and booze since that night.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Parsons/825564814 Dan Parsons

    Far too many times, I have found myself behind the wheel, doin’ the pirate (one eye closed). However, one night when I was super young, actually did get pulled over and went to jail.

    I was in my hometown visiting, and I had just finished playing an open mic night. I was with old friends, at one of my favorite bars. Combine the two, and you have a recipe for full blown brain damage. After the show, we decided to head over to the drummer’s house and start passin’ the bong around.

    Not 50 feet from the bar, cop lights came on behind me. FUCK! And that horrible shot of nerve juice that goes up your neck when you see em’ hit me like a ton of bricks (anybody who’s ever been pulled over at night, knows exactly what i’m talking about).

    So lucky me, i get the lesbian butch cop. She immediately shines the light in my face, notices all my tattoos, piercings, etc. She takes one look at me and says “You know you’re goin’ to jail tonight, right”?. I nodded with a half smirk on my face.

    “Step out of the car sir.”

    *SPLAT*

    I set one foot out of the car and my face immediately hit the pavement. I was so drunk I couldn’t even stand up. The bitch actually had to help me up so she could put handcuffs on me. Can we say “DUI” and a few nights in jail?

    Anyways, yes. I fucked up. Bad. So now I always go to bars that are walking distance from my house. A very proud salute to all you DD’s out there. You guys save lives man! lol

    -Cheers

  • Nowak

    I drank for like 14 hours straight one day, and then at about 3am I drove 6 of my friends to their 6 different residences. Then I passed by my own house in order to get to another party where some girl was gonna make out with me. I had a quick second thought and almost just went home. Almost. Without all those dudes in the car, I wasn’t entertained enough to stay awake. The highway was luckily deserted, and I crashed into a guardrail. I have no memory of the accident; just of waking up in the hospital after having had surgery. (Oh, and no health insurance, by the way.) The seatbelt caused internal bleeding, and if a cop hadn’t come by after the crash when he did… I was in the hospital for a week recovering from having several inches on my intestines removed to to the injuries sustained in the crash, then had 2 weeks of bed rest after that. My car was totaled of course, and if you were to see it, there’s no way you would think anyone could survive the wreck it was in. I’m so thankful that no one but my dumb ass was hurt because of my stupidity. Drinking and driving is a reprehensibly irresponsible thing to do. And always wear your seatbelt.

  • EricUnderworld

    One night about a year ago me and two friends went to see Children of Bodom, Black Dahlia Murder, and Between The Buried And Me. We rocked our asses off at the show and went back to Aaron’s place, which is about 15 minutes away from my house. We got back at around 1:30 a.m. and used the rest of my pot in Aaron’s hookah. Needless to say, we got fucked the hell up. Downside was that I had my mom’s truck and my dad had to work the next morning. So at 3 in the morning, I went home. It was THE SCARIEST 45 minutes of my fucking life! I was sooo fucked up and sooo fucking tired. I was forgetting shit about every 5 seconds it seemed. I was expecting to get pulled over for driving so fucking slow…but I didn’t. I got lucky and passed only one car. And I’ve decided that I’m NEVER doing that again.

  • SourDeez

    When I was in high school getting fucked up and doing dumb shit was a regular occurrence. Once they let our band play at a “formal” dance where there were tons of people from other schools that they had invited. I showed up piss-drunk on malt liquor, stoned off my nuts, and on a whole bunch of Xanax. I have little to no recollection of the evening (thank you, Xanax), but it was very obvious to everyone there that I was completely shithoused. Somehow no one (faculty-wise) said jack shit to me, even when I could barely stand up on stage. All I got were suspicious bruises.

  • Xn0r

    Been a metalhead since I was a teenager. I’m significantly beyond my teen years (let us say I’m older than Eyal and leave it at that). Never been drunk. Never been high. I’m not straight edge … I still have a beer or wine, usually with food. Just never cared to get drunk or high. I guess I’m some sort of freak. :P

    • Sammy

      Well, you’ll be a freak with a healthy liver. And you’ll be much less likely to awaken next to a cow you thought was attractive the night before.

  • vegan

    i tried learning how to fly.

  • dot

    i don’t have a singular favorite story but i realized something:
    at 23, i’m starting to get over alcohol and being drunk, but i still love toking up.

    that’s wisdom for ya.