FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN EVERY TIME I DIE’S NEW CD NEW JUNK AESTHETIC AND A T-SHIRT
Thursday, September 10th, 2009 at 5:00pm by Vince Neilstein
Congrats to the winners of last week’s funny photo caption contest who will each receive a copy of Protest the Hero’s new Live DVD/CD Gallop Meets the Earth and a PTH t-shirt. The winners are:
- Hammer_Smashed_Hurtt: “Reeses cups $1.00. Bottled water $1.00. Inbreeding………………….Priceless.”
- I’m not racist, but I hate Oceano: “Every Juggalo knows Reese’s Cup is code for anal sex and bottled water is code for a blowjob. Why anal sex and a blow job cost the same amount of money we’ll never know.”
- \m/Eluveitie\m/ [in response to the above]: “Because for most Juggalos, you can’t tell one hole from the other.”
This week we’re giving away 2 prize packages, each containing Every Time I Die’s new record New Junk Aesthetic (out next Tuesday!) and a really sweet matching t-shirt. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo (from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com).
N.A.M.B.L.A…….Fail.
Van Halen Toughness Chrismas photo
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! Just hangin’ tough!
Hammer_Smashed_Hurtt, glad to see that your putting in another hard day at work.
Now you better give me my prize, Bitch!
Farmer tan fisting frenzy, 2009
After the picture was taken, all the guys went out and did every girl they could find. Wait, no they didn’t. Oh yeah, they got ass raped instead.
Everybody’s doing a brand new dance nowww…
Come on baby do the reach-around with me!
Gracias for the prize by the way!
Farmer’s Tan = Rednecks = Incest = Stairstepped-Father-to-Son-to-Son-to-Son Anal Mambo Line.
Like Father, Lack Sun
win
winrar!
Yes, the winner
Things an A & R rep for Roadrunner can’t afford: vacation in the Bahamas, gym membership, and a photographer who doesn’t work at a kiosk.
soo… farmers who likes to masturbate… yeah…
“The Four Faces of Nu-Metal – Young, Gay, Psycho, and Retarded”
The boys’ pictures were spoiled as a sudden blackout rendered their dates – Lafonda, Laqueefa, Tonisha, and Lil Diamonique – invisible to the prom photographer’s lens.
I LOVE THIS ONE!!!
lmaoo
Man, that’s totally racist! Plus, you forgot to mention the Latrina’s missing photo!
Gold!
The Johnson Family would like to invite you to this years gun show.. er.. family reunion
“Remember, kids, it’s only gay if you touch weiners!”
heheheh
+1
Finally, proof that the theory of evolution is no longer a theory!
Scientist have no proven that farmers tan is a genetic miracle
Morrissey, with the help of his illegitimate sons, demonstrates pedophilia by proxy.
Proud papa found something to smile about.
This is the cover art for the re-issue of Turbonegro’s “Midnight NAMBLA” single.
Until you start giving out better prizes, you can suck my balls. What’s next ? A really “cool” limited edition limp bizqut biography with a matching thong ?
Dont Hate
Are you really complaining about free stuff? Wow.
whats wrong with thongs?
Don’t underestimate the power of their Dark Side…
Our Family’s Retard Strong!
The most metal man-train to date
Breaking news: The world’s top scientists have just found the anti-aging formula. Sadly, the anti-redneck formula is yet to be discovered.
Two words: O’Doyle Rules!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsNgRmsx-14
Holy shit that’s astute.
nice
FACT: My Dad totally couldn’t beat up your Dad.
Look at these farmer tans! BYAH!
It’s going…black.
It’s going….white.
It’s going….tan.
Annnnnnnnnd it’s outta here!!! The awkward family scores their third home run of the evening in tonight’s “Douchebaggery Derby!”
A look of intense satisfaction coming over his eldest son’s face, daddy proves that what he lacks due to his underdeveloped right arm, he more than makes up for in other areas.
Father Smith prays that none of these children become metalsucks.com readers before his statute of limitations is up.
Farmer Tans, “The real reason behind slavery”
that’s a tom rhodes joke, in reference to melanin
The only thing more metal than wearing matching black shirts is having matching farmers tans.
Marry one, fuck one, kill one…fuck one?
the one on the left must be the drummer
hahahhaa < 3
All aboard! The Incest Island train is now leaving for a trip to Unresolved Childhood Issues with a stop to pick up the crabcore kids from My-Parents-Just-Don’t-Get-Me-Ville!
A regular competition in the South; Inbred families seeing who has the biggest wanking arm.
We may not be NRA members, but we have a license to bare arms.
Murdertrain a comin’
This is a time-laps poster for the new movie “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttfuck”.
Win.
Dear God, I lol’d.
winner winner chicken dinner here folks…
On 3 boys, Say Chip N Dales!!
1….2…3! Hey, watch it back there…
Photographic evidence you can reproduce asexually multiple times by fucking yourself in the ass. This kids, are how douchebags came into existence.
Woo! Woo! Here comes the guido train!
Wanna know why there’s no mother in this picture? Because she left him. A long time ago.
+1
It’s like a reverse douchebag evolution chart!
All aboard the man-train, toot-toot-fucking-toot!
WIN haha this shit would be funny as hell
This remake of the movie “Multiplicity” is sure to be a straight to DVD masterpiece!
Christmas Card 2009.
Everyone’s “favorite” gay comedian Ant has found a way to reproduce with other men. God help us all.
Bad Tan Line…Core
When the guys in Manowar cut their hair, their future album covers never qualified for the “Manliest Album Cover of All Time”.
Oh shit, mine’s about Manowar, as well.
“After years of studying the infamous tour bus workout of Manowar, American scientists have developed their counter-measure: Boss Hog and the Three Little Pigs.”
Dillinger Escape Plan’s newest promo shots.
this photo proves that tanlines don’t matter; the trash is still white.
About the guy on the far left: I thought Michael Jackson was dead.
thankfully, karma decided that they all deserved to be fisted by elephants after talking this picture :)
The world’s first quadruple forearm transplant !!
“Stewart Johnson’s Tractor Supply Co. and Family would like to invite you to their annual Tractor Pull ‘N’ Feed. No tickets needed for this gun show! Donations greatly appreciated.”
Your first look at this years Special Olympics Illustrated Calender.
The Family Business.
Generation after generation our motto never dies.
We promise the best reach-a-rounds in town!
Viking metal longboat pit after dark…STROKE STROKE STROKE!!
Come on girl show us where you piss from
ahhahahahhahhhaha
4 generations of inbreeding
“As his pubes slowly started to reseed, and his balls began rising, Phase one of Axl’s maniacal plan to destroy deathcore from the inside was complete. Phase two. To the fertilizer store”
“(From Left to Right) Andy Williams, Jordan Buckley, Keith Buckley, Josh Newton”
or
“Who’s the deadman that hit me with the salt shaker?”
(youngest on far right) “we really dont want to be here doing this, but Dad seems to think its important. maybe im glad im not in front of him…”
Farmer Tan-Core
Trailer trash guy’s, in body and head, strong in the arm and illegitimately bred
“The Johnson clan, makin panties wet since 1958″
In an effort to get rid of her douchebag husband and 3 illigitimate sons, Mrs. Smith suggested the idea that they all form a conga line and dance through the train tunnels.
Dokken vs. This Family. Who will win?
with out powers combined…we look even whiter then before
A fine turnout this year for the Chickasaw County Fair Biggest Fruit Contest
*our powers combined
“alright boys, we’re going to the club tonight and we’re gunna grind on every piece of pussy there. and if they don’t like us…they’re fuckin skanks…”
The stage production of Snow White and the 7 Dwarves had an open casting call – Happy, Angry, Confused and Stinky.
When home guards displaying their pictures in front of the house, making the thieves fled in terror!!
Online dating no-nos lesson 137:
It’s okay to photoshop your picture a little bit. DO NOT however, make a collage of you spooning with yourself from high school years past.
Jeez I loved this
Ladies and gentlemen, The Aristocrats!
From right to left – Evolution from normal kid to queer adult including angry but confused 20 year old!
TANNING.
You’re doing it wrong.
Proof that the theory of natural selection doesn’t always doesn’t always hold true
Yet natural erection holds firm…literally
natural erection holds firm? or they hold firm to natural erections?
They’re all natural except the one on the old man…
Family fisting fun.
The Curious Case of Bend-ya-over-in-the-Button.
Morrissey Fathers 3 Sons in Immaculate Birth: Rumors Speculate A Kidnapping in Rural Texas.
Kid #1 shirt: “I’m with stupid.”
Kid #2 shirt: “I’m with jerk-off.”
Kid #3 shirt: “I’m with child molester.”
Guy shirt: “New Kids On The Block Tour ‘09.”
Kids I know its not the same having to take a family photo with only one of your parents here, but trust me your father wishes he could be here with us. Now make him proud!
One of Josh Homme’s (2nd from right) junior high family portait.
It’s the front cover of the educational book “How to raise a Douchbag”
“Who farted in here?”
“Now, everyone say ‘HOMO!”
“just a little more this way and….aaahh there it is. Cheese!”
………Bohemian Rhapsody?
How many dysfunctional family members does it take to carry a 20ft long imaginary python?
I would like to title this piece “The Metamorphis of le Douche”.
More Ovaltine please!
yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…In the Army Now!
Dad’s new picture on myspace.
Already has 40 comments, each from every half-cousin and third-cousin.
^^^disregard,
my bad
Dad’s new picture on myspace.
Already has 40 comments, each from every half-cousin.
“dad is the only one with any muscle and he’s doing the wrong fucking pose… way to make us look stupid.”
Cover of the book for:
The Red Neck White Trash Farmer Reach Around: Teaching Your Kids to ‘Get In’ There !
Dressed to impress at the funeral.
Rest In Peace Pap-pa.
These arn’t even my kids.
who else wants a dutch rutter???
“we all posed for the penis flier,and my ED acted up!”
My Blood from Forearm to Foreskin
the Amazing Torso Family shows off their farmer’s tans
O’doylle Rules!
Hide yer daughters!
Many might look upon this picture of the Jones family men as a harmless yet regretable display of bitchin’ farmer’s tan lines…that is until one might happen upon young Billy “Scooter” Jones’ (pictured far right) Facebook page that lists one of his Interests as: “Family Anal Slippy-Fist Night.”
The cryptic meaning of their odd welcome mat on the front stoop of the Jones’ house with the phrase “Elbow Deep!” embroidered on it becomes all too clear…
You. Fucking. Win.
Farmer’s tan? No way, lady, that’s the family birth mark.
Scientists have done it.
They’ve successfully crossbred zebras with rednecks.
The evolution of man has come a long way after he started listening to Manowar
Obviously a family of librarians.
“Uh oh! Somebody better call the veterinarian………………..because these pythons are SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The Incestons, from left to right (youngest to oldest).
A promo for the new Winds of Plague album, without Kristen Randall.
Apparently over-compensation is genetic.
Like father, like son, like son, like son, arm tan and all.
It’s like a backwards time lapse of douche.
PASS ON THE FAMILY FARMERS TAN BOYS!!!
This is the family BROto going on the Christmas card.
white boys-2-men
Fuck. A total piece of art – “Evolution of a Farmer’s Tan” and “Time Lapse Growth of a Tremendous Male Douche” all wrapped into one!
Really – give THAT picture to Keith Buckley. That’s like an album’s worth of lyrics right there.
the evolution of douche funny faces
O’Doyle Rules!!!
“naw son you gotta crank that mother fucker down low like this”
A prime example of things that should NOT be handed down through generations.
Farm-N-Fleet sure has some lifelike mannequins
Running a bro train.
It’s the eye of the tiger
Me and my brothers just wanted to take a nice picture for Mom. But dad kept on insisting that he was our brother too….
That picture is gayer than 4 guys giving 3 guys a reacharound.
Though each one of the Jarrett boys was from a different generation, their farmer’s tans remained the same.
those were troubled times for little jake, but dad insisted the new satanic/tap dance cult was just what they needed to bring the family and Jerry, the boy they kidnapped from the neighbors house, together.
“the metalsucks unreadable band logo contest has taken some very weird turns the last few years”
Prolonged steroid usage shrinks more than just your balls.
I have two:
They grow up so fast…even in the cold
Once you go black, you never go back
“This is what my hand looks like when I masturbate. It’s genetic.”
Four pipes. And not a one of them straight.
red neck, tan line, we drink beer, not wine, we take it like men, in the behind!
(from left to right, in thought):
“I’ve beaten two of three of my wives.”
“I beat my first wife.”
“I beat his first wife.”
“I can’t wait to fuck his new wife.”
winners at the annual father-son picnic in the fisting competition
Uncle Ron’s idea of a home movie quickly turned sour.
Welcome to the Gun Show…..FAIL.
i hate it when people use ‘fail’ this way
Three and a half men.
Since Iowa legalized gay marriage, the farmer’s tan has become fashionable.
O’Doyle Rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the family that flexes together bones together.
The Valentinos used this picture for a Mafia application.
after our christmas photo, we all fist each other
The Evolution of Douchebag
Three young boys in the dark.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
;)
No matter how dark he made the photo, the photographer couldn’t disguise the incest.
Pat Johnson…Teaching his kids that hard work doesn’t come without a proper farmer tan since 1985.
Dying Fetus Age 12.
I remember reading something like this from Keith’s twitter and it made me laugh..
“The Furious Case of Been Jammin Butthole.”
“Watch as I, Colin Quinn, transform before your very eyes into a supple young boy!”
Men men men men, manly men men men!
Men men men men, manly men men men!
Men men men men, manly men, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.
Meeeen…
Four farmers tans equals one huge ass whooping.
The Detroit Lions unveil their new D-Line. And they mean business.
Oh my is that what i think it is!!!!Dont Touch me!!!
Brann Dailor at ages 11, 14, 17, and 50!
The O’Doyle family says: It ain’t gay if you beat the living shit out of them afterward!
Clearly these are extras for the next Twilight movie.
Incest meets farmer’s tans on this weeks new hit Fox show: “Row of Homos”
there’s only one thing you can do for classy lady like that, give her 4 tickets to the gunshow
I’ve got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary waiting for you
2pac, Suge Knight, Dre, and Snoop sure have changed over the years!!
“and now boys ima teach you and old sphincter family tradition…its the fabulous fistin train…passed on from generations..from when our family still lived on the planet kentucky…”
“We work out…Who’s masterbating arm do you think is bigger mom?”
John Travolta: 3 Farmchildren: 0
“We work out….Who’s masterbating arm do you think is bigger?”
“The black album was ALMOST as depressing as our family photo”
lemme reword that
“The Black Album was almost as depressing as our “black” family photo”
This isn’t where I parked my car!
Metalsucks exclusive: The new Manowar album art
i cant stop looking at the farmer tans….
Bad tan lines come with incest ?
The “Johnson Four” perform sexual interpretive dance in honor of Michael’s death. The progression from right to left represents the many faces of the King of Pop, the many boys he touched and the many fists he received. Truly a magical momment we are certain Michael would have relished.
ALERT! The W.H.O. has reported that being a “Douche Bag” and all other strains of “Douche” are indeed hereditary and are passed on by the father.
We can see in this photo the evolution of the Jock emerging from youth to a full fledged meat head
Turning Boyz into Men since 1983.
Clearly “Ace” faced a daunting task overcoming the awkward age gap in his newly formed black metal band “Sphinctrophalia”. However, after a sunny day at the haunted mini-golf course and MANY martinis later he was ready to mix it up with his far younger bandmates Brash, Groll, Prick and Sphinctromanist.
the evolution of the metalsucks monkeys.
*snif* it’s so beautiful.
I didn’t know bad tan lines were genetic
Taken moments before the fisting train left the station.
This is what happens when Mormons go wild
Arm & Hammer…for your health!
see boys…penises… when ur my age yours wont go up all the way either…
dear extended family, me and the boys have decided to take a different approach to the cristmas photo this year. since mom died (r.i.p), things have been rough. lil duke (3rd to right) has been getting into trouble at school. i figured body building was a good way to calm his surging teenage hormones, so i injected him with 3 months worth of steroids and prayed for the best and BEHOLD! he is now the most beautiful specimen of rad muscle you have ever laid eyes on. not to put all of the attention on duke…… young rhett has also been working out in the gym. his brother has been served up a lethal dose of steroids, but rhett has decided to take the natural path and has started grinding up neighborhood cats into a fine powder and snorting them up his asshole. sonce doing this, he has had the agility of a cheetah on fire on its way to a soothing lake. you should see him jump the hurdles at his high school. he screams “HYAH!” as he does it he squirts blood out of his tear ducts straight into his opponents eyes causing them to fall flat on thier pathtic faces while he runs on to victory. he is quite the physical specimen. finally i bring you to buster (end to the right.) hes fucking gay. fuck that twat sandwich. hes just like his mother…… cant take a punch. anyway….. im doing good. ive also een working out and leading by example for my two young boys and thier cunty “brother”. i hope your christmas is a merry one and may the new year bring you a stronger core and defined lats and traps. from my family (and a little puss-bag) to yours….. merry holidays or something.
From First To Last…in this year losers chart.
The devolution of Benjamin Button’s gay brother.
yyyyy… mmmmm… ccccc… aaaaa
“Nobody push back!”
O’Doyle Rules!
“What if we re-made Cool Runnings, only with an Eastern European weighlifting team?”
Greatest movie ever made
Manowar’s upcoming album cover.
Dad to boys: “Listen guys, I know it’s tradition that every year we take the photo with your Uncle Johnny, but your mom found out about his…umm….’mishap’ through meganslaw.com, and now he’s not allowed within 500 feet of this house. Besides, I think we’ve all learned a thing or two over the years. Just back and forth, just like he says…back and forth…back and forth…”
“No, no, no boys… you’re putting too much strain on the wrist. You gotta jerk off like your old man, in a tanning bed.. with your shirt on.”
Metal sucks…
2009 Shoney’s Buffet Security Crew
“2009 Shoney’s Buffet Security Crew”
So who’s the young conductor of this butt train supposed to cram his little weenis into? It’s no fucking fair in the front!!
Front Page of USA Today:
Extreme Home Makeover to build six million dollar home for family of father and three sons suffering from rare condition called Headrightarmotosis. The people suffering from this rare condition only have heads and right arms. There is no upper torso nor lower extremities and often times the victims of this disease are forced to levitate in dark spaces. Farmer’s tan, showing of the guns and unorthodox look of bad ass-ed-ness are also common symptoms.
The new GNR lineup.
What could he say… Hal was proud fisting ran in the family.
Yet another attempt by dad at pre-empting his sons’ blossoming homosexuality with something “manly” that backfired.
Tanlines are the new corpsepaint
Sons, let me tell you. Your bodies may change, but our arms are everlasting.
Human cloning is the new immortal.
Now Emmure are just getting ridiculously retarded.
Ralph and his three sons were anxious to find out which one of them would be awarded the role of “Corky” for the “Life Goes On” motion picture.
BRO-CORE ….. Now dad’s happy!
Ah yes the annual Guido family Christmas card! Here’s to fist pumping future ass for another 365…
Damnit not another billy ray cyrus acapella quartet… I’ll get the shotgun
From left to right-
Creepy Smile Dude: “Man that was a glorious shit!”
Wanna-be Hulk: “Do you really want to lick my horse?”
Constipated Dude: “Come on! I’m prairie doggin’! Why won’t it just fall out already!”
Dude that doesn’t want to be there: “Why do I have such a shitty crew cut? I just want to be in a rock-n-roll band!”
“Dad, why does my ass hurt every time you make us stand in a line and flex our muscles?”
when steroids mix with cloning
a family that gets farmer’s tans together, stays together [and likely juggle each other's coin purses]
Who wants a mustache ride?
welcome to the scott kelly fanclub.
The whitest guys you wish you knew: “This is going to be the best christmas card ever!”
Rammstein has finally revealed the album art for their magnum opus: Der Uberdouche.
Do I win a prize if I use the same quote from http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com?
the inbred cousins of northern darkness
OK, everybody punch yourself in the face for being a douche bag. 1…2…3…GO!
And you thought everyone in Mayhem was dead or incarcerated!
ITS FAMILY FISTING TIME,…..but really wheres your mother?
somewhere charles darwin is rolling in his grave
it was at this moment that god decided to call for a mulligan
who has two thumbs and needs a vasectomy?….. these guys
ButtFuckers in a Barrell band remove tattoos after turning to Jesus
4 generations of farmers tans, can’t beat that!
What the fuck is this a manowar albub
What the fuck is this a manowar album
“And this one here, can make a dead man cum. Yes um my three sons the handjob kings of Greenbow Alabama!!”
Black shirts – metal
Flexing Muscle – metal
Wishing your kids knew a song by Metallica besides Enter Sandman – Priceless
Flex hard boys! Your Mother and sisters are going to LOVE this!!
Farmer’s Tan Fantasia
See yall at the town when you make your way back
White or Die
What no one seems to understand is that theyre not actually tanned at all. theyre really quite pale. they actually just finished a classic southern style fisting train.
lol This entire situation would be way more awesomer if they were all wearing those Every Time I Die T-Shirts.
All aboard the Meat Train! Choo! Choo!
And thus, a new generation of Meat Train conductors is born.
The de-evolution of the douchebag
Lets flex our muscles so we don’t look gay
“hibernum says:
September 10, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Two words: O’Doyle Rules!”
UAISDHSDAUIHSDAUISDHSUDIHUSDIHDSUISDHUISDAHSDAUIHSDAUISAHUISDAHUISDAHSDUI
SDASDAKDSAOPKDSAPOSDAKOPDSAKADSPOKDSAPOASDKPOSDKASDOPKASDOPKSDAPO
the best
Family Business: masturbation wins, looks our right arm muscles.
How strong is ETID? THIS STRONG!!!
ROLLERSKATIN” IS GAY!
Look ma, we all got fake tans so it looks like we actually do work!
“We’re MEN! We’re men in TIGHTS!”
This years Tan Line competition who will be the victor?
For the win, Bob:
Here’s proof that years of “Pullin’ Pud” doesn’t make your right arm anymore muscular than your left.
O’Doyle Rules!
the new officail U.S. olympic fisting squad…..the gold is ours without a doubt
A spin off of 3 and a half men will appear on the gay network this fall…set your TiVo’s!
“four butt holes”
List of family activities:
1. Oil up the boys.
2. Take photo that would embarrass the brady bunch.
3. Watch “Hairy Pooter And The Sorcerer’s Bone” and trade masterbating techniques with the boys.
N.B: Charles Jnr has a rough hand and but has potential………
Every time i die before they started drinking
It amazes me how many people spell “masturbate”, or any variation of the word, incorrectly.
Failed submission to the Broadway production “Danzig Presents: Samhain!” Back Up Dancer casting call
Farmer’s tans and tight lips are common at the smith family train-a-son fuck fest!
Dad, just because you did this in your Senior yearbook photo doesn’t mean it makes a good family picture. We all look like douches.
Wesley Snipes is somewhere in this photo…
Hahahahaha damn right he is
Their arms aren’t brown from being out in the sun, its brown from all the fisting.
please observe how the arm shrinks as the head swells.
typical symptom for douchicitis.
1984 called, they wanted their right to “bare” arms back but on second thought said ‘just kept it’.
(From Right to left) Dude,he farted….not me it was him! Dad…stop touching me…you’re ruining my tough guy pose