FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A COPY OF REVOCATION’S EXISTENCE IS FUTILE
Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 5:00pm by Vince Neilstein
Last week we offered up a killer Metal Blade combo pack featuring the new releases from Goatwhore, Behemoth and Valkyrja. The winning caption to the photo at right is….
Manfred Nuggets:
“Dude, after this wedding, I wanna show the bride my Whitesnake.”
“Dude! That’ll totally Slay ‘er!”
Onto bigger and better things: this week we’re giving away 2 copies of Revocation’s face-rippingly awesome Relapse Records debut Existence is Futile (stream the whole thing here for a limited time). Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo. And, if ya got ‘em, send in your own funny photos to vince [at] metalsucks [dot] net so I can be lazy in the coming weeks.
pardon me while i pass the brains of my bass player
Ha!
XD
wasnt dead vox, not bass? props either way. after this one and the two following, im not even going to try
I posted mine, but this sir is epic fucking win. Good luck
yeah, i think he was, i was going more for a general “everyone in black metal eats one another” vibe than a specific mayhem reference though
damnit! that was my first thought! kudos for beating the rest of us to the punch.
“After a long day of blasphemy, I like to go into the woods and defecate whilst taking the Lord’s name in vain.”
before you continue reading the rest look at mine it like #500 because I suck at posting on time.
well theres a ton of good ones on here but heres my take on it :) enjoy
“Stop laughing at me guys, just cause they did it in a display toilet on Jackass doesn’t mean I have to! “
OH MAN! Did you catch that Behemoth Concert, I got hit so hard, I just had to take a shit…
OH MAN! Did you catch that Behemoth Concert, I got hit so hard, I just had to take a shit…
…one more push for the new Craddle of Filth album.
this is great!
This is full of win.
wow, two great answers in a row? WIN.
WINNER.
Gold
epic win
I hope this is where Gaahl told me to meet him.
hahaha
+1 to infinity!!!!
This actually made me laugh out loud haha. Props!
Another great comment. You guys are on fire today.
Out of the darkest depths of Black Metal a new genre was born: Brown Metal!
This dude is so metal he shits bats….literally…..and they hurt
(black) Metal Up Your Ass!
After Eurynomos has finished eating what was left of Dead the diarrhea that ensued was so bad that a bathroom was out of the question. So after Dead was passed he killed 2 birds with 1 stone and mailed the fecal matter to those he deemed worthy enough to receive him now but not as a part of the first wave of brains.
true metalheads aren’t born, they’re shat.
this was the original shot for the pooping scene in Severed Ways.
POOPS IST KRIEG
This is great, man.
Trve Norwegian black metalists are too kvlt for a bathroom
… and here we have an amateur photo of the so called “Dookie-Bomb Bandit”. If you stumble upon one of his dookie-bombs or have any information as to his whereabouts you are strongly urged to contact your local authorities.
OK, I am ready to go burn down that church…..as soon as I get my boyfriends metal spiked cock ring out
Gaahls black metal glory hole: through the bushes in the land of northern darkness
For lasting grimness, rub your ass on poison ivy just before the show
Hard at work producing the next super popular mainstream metal record.
No, he didn’t forget the toilet paper. The truly kvlt wipe with their hands.
Or you have Gaahl lick the chunks of furry woodland creatures out of your crack for you.
Defiling God’s creation one shit at a time.
He’s making a statement… about how every black metal album’s production should sound to remain kvlt.
Perhaps the most fitting metaphor for the production values on most balck metal albums ever.
i bet its a prickly poo.
Pure Fucking Constipation.
…And slipknot was born!
This is just how Nergal and Doda get down.
Today we have for you a a rare look into the recording process of a nsbm bands album. Here they are recording the first track of the album. Fascinating.
Nardrash didnt believe his friends,but its trv chicken blood will give you the brootal shits.
We can see the blood coming out of one hole, so we can only assume it’s spraying out the other one.
“You’re serious?! Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax on the same tour?! TOGETHER?!?”
“Hey, does a Norwegian black metal musician shit in the woods?”
Black metal hemroids are no joke
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Fuck if I know. Ever heard of black metal?
woah there’s some stiff competition on this pic
the lead singer of black metal group “DEFFICATOR” recently bit off his tongue durring a run in with gaahl and is now in critical condition on account of both orifices being broodaly mangled
Why, you ask, did I devote my life to the service of The Dark? In one word: glamour.
I guess you get the runs after you eat out your fat corpse-paint wearing girlfriend on her period…black metal sure is brutal sometimes.
I SHIT IN DEFIANCE OF JESUS!
The question is:
Where’s the microphone?
Brings the saying “something crawled up you and died” to a whole new level
The producer of the next burzum album hard at work
Brown Metal.
that made me smile
Ohhhh, Fauuuuust…
Somebody took the lyrics of Havohej song, “Eat the virgins entrails and poop on the sons mouth,” a little too seriously…
Wait what?! That’s not a Havohej song???
Side note, how do I claim my prize?
Cause I haven’t received an email yet from Vince and Axl for last week’s win, so yeah…
Wait! Never mind. Got it!
Oh! So that is where Attack Attack is from.
lol nice
Producing next weeks Unreadable logo…..
NICE!!
thats some bleak shit
Dropping off the sons of southern darkness at summer camp
How grim my newborn son! I shall call him TUHHRD
hahaha, good one.
Tr00 KVLT don’t need toilet paper….or toilets.
The real reason the abbreviation for Black Metal is BM.
Dimmu Borgir’s future now that they kicked out the two people that made that band interesting!
Wolves Without A Throne Room!
This one’s great, too!
+1 but my vote is still on the cradle of filth comment
This one should win.
Shagrath’s Birth
It’s sights like these that make the Brawny Man question if his transfer to Norway was worth the raise in pay.
Shagrath’s mother during childbirth
Black Metal gets a much-needed kick in the ass when Willie’s House O’ Hot Wings opens their first Scandinavian location
Smokey the Bear’s new campaign slogan: “Only you, can prevent your stupid fucking friends from shitting all over my forest.”
Win.
Finally! Varg Vikernes shows the public what is political views really mean!
The birth of Miley Cyrus was far less photogenic than many supposed.
Black-Sludge metal.
Damn, Behemeth makes some good Chili!
On a scale of one to ten, that shit is a Putrid Pile.
Stools of Southern Darkness.
Whoops– I inadvertently plagarized an earlier post– please disregard.
“MUST FERTILIZE FOR SATAN!”
After running into the Pope and a bear, both of which bug him out, Ghoulekk finally found a private place to drop a deuce.
that was good. both freak him out was the kicker
Next Behemoth Album title – SHitting Black Metal Chunks
Shagrath, Silenoz, and Galder said Vortex was full of shit….guess they were right
After failing to take over the throne of God, he settled for a quit shrub,
quit=quiet, FML
Axl completes his review of the new album from Attack! Attack!
“Aargh!… Huhhhhgg!!! … AHHHH!!!!!!! …
FINALLY!!! …
MAN, that was THE BIGGEST SHIT I’ve EVER taken! I swear to Satan I’ll NEVER eat an entire sacrificial offering AGAIN! Now, could someone please hand me a bible to wipe my ass with?…”
Frostshitten Black Metal!!
Shit. Black Metal. And an outdoorsy folk setting… This must be Sodomized by Satan’s album cover.
Just one more action linking black metal elitists to hippies
Charlie is still unsure why his bandmates nicknamed him Eruptus.
if a black metaller shits in the woods and no one is there to record it and put it out on a record label no ones ever heard of, does it make a sound?
Vegan metallers Cattle Decapitation’s cover for the new album “Raped By A Tree.”
Is that his ‘push’ face or just his makeup?
“Dude – Black Metal is about so much more than Satan, its about being one with nature”
Gavin Rossdale and bush really are on the comeback trail, first raping black metal before setting course for the virgin assholes of metal-core.
This guy thinks outside the box when it comes to defiling virgins.
Open your hole………let your bowels lose control………..Brown Metall!
Louis startled the witch!
“Remind me never to mix goulash and wine again….”
After he defecated he then stabbed the poop in the head and use the remains as fuel to burn down a church!
He’s producing the newest five finger death punch album.
Shitting in the name of Satan
Pure fucking armageddon is unleashed upon Chainsaw Abortion’s stomach after eating an expired cow stomach.
Excuse all the poop.
Subtle but excellent. I hope you win.
oMG yes!!
Shitting, In the Woods…
I shit the black wizards.
“Leave me alone, I’m taking a danzig…”
This is what they call “production” in Norway.
A promo shot for the new Immortal video.
Necros: “Xul, are you Taake-ing a Behemoth dump in these Forgotten Woods?”
Xul: “No, Necros… I’m getting rid of my Dying Fetus through my Anal Cunt… What does it look like? Of course I’m pooping!”
Art imitating life: shitty black metal.
“Quick, grab a microphone! I think I have the bass tracks for the new album!”
made me laugh out loud
Photographic proof that last week’s winner, Manfred Nuggets, didn’t drop out of the sky to claim the prize
Hey man. There was no need for that.
It was the “nuggets” part…I had to
Fuck! I knew i shouldn’t have eaten those virgin’s hearts.
UnHOLY CRAP!!
Hey, you with the cigar!!
i could of swore he said inserted cross, i don’t see how this could help my image
Burning churches is so 90’s. Causing global warming by methane gas from shit is the new black metal fad.
Note to self, remember to aim penis straight down when wearing water tight leather pants…HAIL SATAN
Poop.
Ahhh…uhhh…..man that crabcore didn’t sit well with me. Amazing it sounds much better on the way out.
“I’d trade all the corpse paint in the world for just one sheet of toilet paper!”
What tanline?
why is everyone assuming he’s taking a dump?
We never do it looking at each other anymore, then you cum blood all over my face!!!
How those leaves stay green is beyond me
“I imagine if someone saw a picture of this, they would post a funny caption about it.”
Bob does his best Gaahl impression.
1994: Metal band Xibalba gets inspiration for the title of their full-length after Marco Ek Balam drinks the water.
I tell ya man, the flesh of virgins just goes right through me…
Took me a minute to realize his face was painted. That’s how pale this dude is.
The upcoming film “New Moon” premieres exclusively at the Forest Of Posers.
KVLT TVRD
Just when you thought black metal couldn’t get any shittier…
meet the producer of the new five finger death punch album, it’s ready to drop any second now
Yo Guys! I’m gonna let you finish… But MY DUMP was the most Behemoth of ALL TIME!
After several unsuccessful recruitment attempts searching for a new vocalist, Gathnar decides on a more in-house solution.
Well, shit…all out of Black Toilet Paper.
[ http://www.metalsucks.net/2009/09/08/now-you-can-be-tr00-and-kvlt-even-when-youre-wiping-your-ass/ ]
No one questioned him when he claimed, “Even my turds are black”, but he felt he must prove it anyway
THE MUSICAL IS BACK!
I was thinking the same thing earlier
This kid is so Metal he even shits doom sludge
Harr! This poop better be tr00 kvlt black!
To be fair, the bush did say Slipknot was black metal.
Even far removed from the public eye, Bush gets crapped on
Y’know, Janne, I’m not the smartest man in the world but from over here it looks like you’re taking a shit.
‘I hope God is catching this with his mouth’
witness the birth of nu-metal!!
After being fired from Dimmu Borgir, Vortex gets to work on squeezing out new ideas for his solo career.
“NYAAAARGH BEELZEBUB IS EXITING MY EARTHLY SHELL!!!”
With the departure of ICS Vortex and Mustis, this is what the future holds for Dimmu Borgir.
BMBM
Do you like black metal?
Does Marduk shit in the woods?
Orthog proves even black metal-heads know you gotta add manure to plants to make them grow!
“It appears as though a fiend has slipped laxative into my Black Metal Cookies.”
Immortal’s new release drops…any moment now.
Call of the Wintermooning
If Gaahl shits in the woods and his fashion designer boyfriend isn’t around to wipe his ass, does he still kidnap and torture somebody?
Paroled after a 16 year prison stint, Varg Vikernes shits on Euronymous’ grave to prove once again that he is the trve-est of the trve
Guys look at the color on his chin
“Agh! Vhy is it coming out ov my mouth again!! Damn yous god!!”
He found out the hard way what happens when you eat raw chicken for a black metal brunch. Best stick to the sandwiches next time.
i really would love to win that album but after i read the first three answers i’m not even going to bother.
If a black metalhead shits in the woods…
Black Metal: as brutal as it gets..
muffled voice from the bush: OK, OK OK! I promise – production stops tomorrow!!
Black metal dude: very good Mr Sono.
Trying to appear more scandinavian, the singer of “freezing winterbottom” practices his new “downhill skiing” stage pose
kornelius kornrow, a ghost writer for the band korn, is seen here writing material for the band’s latest album.
Learning an important lesson from the first Chipotle frachise opened in Norway: hot sauce burns coming out just as much as it did going in.
The brown eye salute to black metal
Tommy Thayer to Gene Simmons: Is it going to hurt?
… so THATS where Zoltan Bathory was hiding for 3 days. In Gaahl’s colon!
This is what Gaahl & Gorgoroth use when they run out of corpsepaint.
I vomit blood & shit 1349!
The true meaning of “Anaal” Nathrakh.
Girl you look good, why don’t you “Back That Ass Up.”
One Goth, One Cup
no caption necessary.
Guy 1: “I got a black eye at that Slayer concert last night! So metal!”
Guy 2: “I can beat that! I broke my arm at the Five Finger Death Punch concert!! YEAH!!!”
(Awkward Silence)
Guy 1: “Come with me and just lay down in that bush, will ya?”
is this what they call Brown Metal?
Now you know you’ve had a good shit when you start bleeding at the mouth.
Nergal makes an offering to the dark gods.
When plain old crabcore isn’t good enough….
Crapcore!
And the antichrist is born… Or I thought he would be when I ate those embryos
While taking a break from the recording of Zos Kia Cultus, Nergal was inspired by an epiphany in the woods to write a song entitled “Brownest Ov The Brown.” Thankfully, this was only the rough draft.
“Making the only thing blacker than my girlfriend!”
After chilidogs at the Kmart, and chugging Boones’ Farm all morning, Roger wondered wether the 6 hour road trip to Paganfest was worth the hassle.
Now we know why there are so many black metal clones out there…
shitstain on the ass of Satan
One of the Behemoth Members after the filming of their new video. Angel gave em’ the shits
Had to think about that one for a second. Very good!
“Hang the poop, hang the poop, hang the poop..”
What this photo doesn’t show you is the lead singer of Attack! Attack! lying right underneath him.
Advice: don’t felate yourself whilst listening to Darkthrone. Now I have to piss like a girl
Despite the flatulent omen, Gayogoroth never made it to the icy outhouse of frozen morbidity and was left to a grim fate at the hand of Black Metal-hating poison sumac. Lovemaking would proove arduous for the next few weeks unless the Nordic God’s send a shaman to write a grim prescription for Prednisone.
” I just heard the new Cradle of filth and this is what i think ”
PLOP
Vogar prefers a Necrinomicon by his toilet and is more accustomed to pooping in the mouths of fellow black metal fans but this would do for now….My that bush tickles…
Step 1: Transylvanian Hunger
Step 2: Transylvanian Digestion
Step 3: Transylvanian Diarrhea
Darkthrone did not intend for it to be a trilogy
I’m surprised he isn’t reading Lords of Chaos during his dump…It’s a great bathroom read.
METAL– Saving the forests since 1970
This is where the blast beat originated!!!
Arrrghh. New rule: No one wears spiked wrist bands when they fist me!
If he were TRU he’d be shitting in a frozen thorn bush. Denounce false poopers.
So this is how every metal singer records vocals.
“ALRIGHT YOU GUYS, HERE COMES ANOTHER RIPPING SOLO FOR THE NEW DIVINE HERESY ALBUM.”
i already made that joke about dino in another post, but it was referring to burps, not farts or shitting so i am totally not repeating myself.
Another independent band prepares to sign with Universal Records. Not pictured: spiked dildo.
This month Ozzy began writing sessions for his new black metal crossover album, “Diarrhea of a Madman”.
Even this is a new low for German shit porn.
“I would sell my soul for a Comfort Wipe right about now if I didn’t pledge it to Satan 5 years ago.”
“At least I took off those spiked gloves…”
Metal is the shit!
After leaving the stage following a shitty performance, he knew he had to pull something out of his ass for encore.
the encore
Those 1/2 lb burritos at Taco Bell are Brutal!!!
HERE I SIT BROKEN HEARTED –TRIIED TO SHIT AND ONLY FARTED?
This pretty much sums up black metal in general
BROWNER THAN BROWN
Giving new meaning to the property threat “release the hounds!”
Maybe I should have reconsidered that whole “I’m so metal i shit iron ore thing…”
If I get poision ivy on my taint when I wipe,I’ll be the most satanitics in the band. Yippie!!
Is this the creative force from Mustis that ICS Vortex was referring to?
Im trying…………but its still coming out of my mouth!!
Dracula and the Invisible Man caught having gay “relations” in the woods
Hold on I’m producing the latest black metal album, hopefully it comes out just like all the others.
Damn I forgot my Black Toilet paper!!!!
http://www.metalsucks.net/2009/09/08/now-you-can-be-tr00-and-kvlt-even-when-youre-wiping-your-ass/
Are you sure this is how Gaahl got his singing gigin Gorgoroth? Can’t I just play bass or guitar? Please be gentle….
This is the godless beginning of the deathcore “movement”
uggggh the third infant is always the messiest.
Gaahl likes his guck holes like his production; dirty, smelly, and recently over used.
“And thats what I think of Abigail Williams!!!!”
“We’re NEVER touring in Mexico again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
3 inches of poo!!!!!
Satan, i need so stop eating babies, those things go right through me
All ne meaning to, shitstain on the underpants of the universe
” UGh, hangars do not work for abortions!”
He should consider himself lucky, Josh Homme does it with a cactus
“Fuck, those bean burritos were a bad idea!”
“Excuse me while I free Varg.”
who needs a darkthrone when green ist krieg
Gallhammer, equal parts shit and black metal.
HEY! I.C.P.!!!! Oh nope that’s just shit…OH WAIT! same thing
is there an award for the worst comment?
“You sure anal creampie in video is trve?”
If a metalhead shits in the woods and there’s no one to see it, is it still br00tal?
Black metal vs. Horrorcore: Ending = Teabag
“Free Refills Courtesy Of Captain Crunch…”
“Free Refills Coutresy Of Captain Crunch…”
After a push of inspiration the Mayhem cover band changed their name to “Shitcrush”.
The only thing more kvlt than being in a black metal band so underground no one knows about you, is shitting in the woods.
The recording of the follow-up song to Natte-Frost Takes a Piss
Fir fuck’s sake Euronymous, yew must be barking to shit Dead out here.
This is the album art for Darkthrone’s sequel to their album Transilvanian Hunger. It’s called Transilvanain Constipation.
You think taking a shit in the woods is tough? How about wiping with 4″ spikes on your wrist……
Tarquin was starting to wish he hadn’t stuck that fir-tree branch up his brown eye, for a bet.
And suddenly, to his surprise, Kvolt found the tr00est way to deliver black metal vocals.
“Hey Guys…Let’s post this on the internet and see how many comments we get on Facebook,Twitter and Myspace.”
“I’m never eating Mexican food before a show ever again!”
The recently uncovered lost illustration from the book “Everybody Poops”.
WHEW! That blood of the false went right through me.
All of a sudden, North-Cold-Frozen-Hate realized that the only thing more KVLT than the shit he just took was the absence of toilet paper, and the looming wipe with a pine cone.
New Dimmu Borgir album: Shit Evil Diarrhea Behind The Bush Of Unspeakable Darkness. Coming Soon,
When the man told Taahl and Smaahl their new record sounded like someone eating their first born child, regurgitating its heart and colon, and then shitting out the rest piece by piece. They decided to head to the woods and record what that really sounded like to prove him wrong!
Varg Vikernes plots his return.
Tr00 girl, 1 cup.
What happens when you play “Kill ‘Em All” backwards.
“Cradle Of Filth recording their latest album!”
I’m conjuring you a gift.
Not too grim, not too frosty.
Perfect.
You might say the secret ingredient is lutefisk.
*HNNGGNGNGNHHH*
H-Hold on guys, the n-OH GOD-new album’s almost done
Damn, I forgot my bible in the car. Now i gotta use leaves
Here I sit, broken hearted. Came here to kvlt, but only farted.