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Rob Halford Doesn't Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does

INTRODUCING METALSUCKS’ NEW DATING COLUMN (SERIOUSLY)

Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 3:30pm by

Hey kids,

We’ve brought on a new writer, Rich Hallford, to write a dating advice column. Rich is a lothario who is up to his eyebrows in pussy, so he really knows what’s what.

“Rob Halford Doesn’t Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does” will start soon. Please submit questions for Mr. Hallford below, and he’ll get crackin’.

Also, ladies, don’t be shy. Rich’ll be only all-too-happy to give you the 411 on what dudes like, too.

hallford

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at the MetalSucks Mansion

  • Simon

    What the fuck?

    • Uglymicrowave

      if this dude looks like this…then he must have no boundaries when it comes to women…if he gets any at all….fat chicks, retarted chicks, blind chicks, chicks with dicks…I’m sure he’s seen em all

  • cookie

    …

    • cookie

      also, why introduce a column without giving us the column?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Michael-Christopher-Hall/1131120176 Richard Michael Christopher Hall

    what the fuck is right.

  • Watson

    Based on what I can make out of his face, I don’t want to be up to my anything in the kind of pussy he’s getting.

    • Rida

      I lol’d

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Menard/502061034 Jesse Menard

    hahahahaha sweet

    nice photoshop skills too

    • bearbomb

      I was just gonna say, does MS have anyone that can teach them Photoshop? Jesus H!

      • CYN1C

        They’re gonna blame it on the MS Mansion monkeys.

  • james glayat

    Quite possibly the greatest thing to happen to dating since the invention of the morning after pill.

    • bucketochicken

      I was gonna say “since the old t-shirt,” but yeah, the M.A.P. is good too.

    • o0Stacey0o

      Agreed. 100.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mathew-James-Saunders/1153389571 Mathew James Saunders

    Another regular column that wont be clicked on…DUMB

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Gavin/1396340262 Mark Gavin

    Why don’t beautiful women seem automatically attracted to me when I wear a Judas Priest t-shirt?

    • Double D

      Because of your face.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Betancourt/599048214 David Betancourt

        lol

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Gavin/1396340262 Mark Gavin

          :(

  • http://www.metalsucks.net Tim-o-tato

    “Also, ladies, don’t be shy. Rich’ll be only all-too-happy to give you the 411 on what dudes like, too.”

    That will be the day….lol

  • bryan

    Is there any hot chicks that like Rush or prog rock for that matter?

    • poopsmcgee

      I’m gonna get a head start on Rich Hallford. What you need to do to get some ladies is to learn some grammar. Hot chicks like guys who don’t remind them of children when they open their mouths. And yes, there ARE hot chicks that like Rush or prog rock, but they’re all dating guys who know proper grammar. Sorry dude.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

        it appears your grammar’s not the best either. lol you forgot the comma after “sorry” in your last sentence…. or should i say phrase?

        • poopsmcgee

          grammar is distinct from punctuation. i suck at punctuating properly, but my grammar rocks.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

            whatever… *sigh* lol

          • poopsmcgee

            am i turning you on yet? do you want to make sex?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

            yeah. let’s make sex on the internet… though, i must admit, i’m not an internet virgin and i haven’t been checked for itds (internet transmitted disease) so you might catch something.

          • poopsmcgee

            i’ll have you know that their called itis now (‘i’ for infection). and i’m immune to all of them because i have a mac.

          • poopsmcgee

            *they’re

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

            I HAVE A MAC TOO!!! however, my computer’s on it’s period right now…

          • poopsmcgee

            do you have to insert pads into the cd slot?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

            my comp actually prefers tampons so i have to force little pieces of tampons into that one plug thing(ethernet outlet???) next to the power cord plug thing.

          • poopsmcgee

            oh ok. see, my mac is a dude, so i don’t have these problems. i still haven’t found its penis though. embarrassing, i know…

          • poopsmcgee

            so can i have some sex now?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

            oh! sorry, i fell asleep. and my dog started to die so i kinda had to take her to MSU to get a blood transfusion.

  • Ziltoid

    When is Arthur’s column going to start?

  • Wyzt

    What grindcore band makes hot cheerleaders find you irresistable? Plz help.

    • John

      Terrorizer, thats easy

    • jason

      Anal Cunt

      • John

        You’re right.

    • SourDeez

      Pig Destroyer. All that stuff about lesbian eyeball licking and crawling into vaginas always puts fine girls in the mood. Especially when it’s delivered in that Stephen Hawking voice.

  • Double D

    How can I get THRASHETTE to notice me? Seriously, she’s hot.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      Isn’t she like 17?

      • Procrastinate

        Exactly.

      • Double D

        God, I hope so.

  • poopsmcgee

    How come girls don’t like my farts as much as I do?

    • jason

      everyone like their own brand.

      • poopsmcgee

        well of course, but that doesn’t necessarily preclude other people liking mine as well. and mine are the best – it’s an objective fact.

  • Toni Brady

    DO. NOT. WANT.

  • Procrastinate

    What about Arthur’s column?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

      i also wonder about this.

  • FuckYourGayEmoHaircut

    I’d rather ask oderus for dating advice…

  • Dave

    If my girl is afraid of doing anal how can I force her to do it without having charges filed against me? Also, is it okay to go ass to mouth?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mathew-James-Saunders/1153389571 Mathew James Saunders

      Go in a closet to have sex (tell her you’re being kinky) and then have a friend lock it from the outside…and slam it in the pooper, she wont have a choice lol

      • Lucifer Sam

        you never go ass to mouth

        • Edika

          Especially if it is from your ass to your mouth!!

  • bearwizard

    why is my cock so huge?

    • poopsmcgee

      hmm…we must share some genetic resemblance.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mathew-James-Saunders/1153389571 Mathew James Saunders

        Well then you two should get together and share your “special gifts” to one another and live happily ever after

  • http://www.flamingtusk.com Zosimus

    At least do this right and get a hot chick to write your sex column, like Revolver did.
    I mean… I assume she’s hot. Right? Only hot chicks write sex columns, right?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Gavin/1396340262 Mark Gavin

      I’m pretty sure RevolvHER is a self-proclaimed fatty.

  • Sammy

    You guys missed a perfect opportunity. Rich Hallford? Why not Rob Hellford?

  • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/62449cbe5ea8d22bcc2e76890fceaa37.png Lord Bling

    Wow. This column is going to be a car wreck. Just look at the comments in this announcement. Serious or not, it’s gonna be ugly.

    And by ugly, I mean hilarious.

    • Double D

      Agreed.

  • poopsmcgee

    how come girls don’t have penises too?

  • quoteunetouq

    Why are the overweight mid 40s groupies at still touring hair metal shows still hotter than the 5 hose beasts at any extreme metal gig?

    • John

      You’ve never been to canada.

  • Brian \m/(-_-)\m/

    i…dont…fucking…believe it. WHYYYYYYYY?????

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    I thought Dallas was the resident pussy expert…oh wait, drop the “expert” part…

  • metalchick666

    haha this is hilarious! this column might suck more dick than ICP…

  • SeanN

    Where exactly is the clitoris?

    • poopsmcgee

      between your legs

  • poopsmcgee

    do vaginas that look like a corned beef sandwich taste like a corned beef sandwich?

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      God I hope so

  • Sam

    Why?

  • SP420

    Sounds just like that reader recommendation column. See how long that lasted? 5 days or so. Good luck with this one.

  • http://www.solidsterecords.com NoCowNoFood

    Sucks while I smoke weed

  • WowWee!

    How can I get a sugar mama to drive me around places and buy me stuff?