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Contests

FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A COPY OF REVOLVER MAGAZINE’S SPECIAL SLAYER EDITION

 Thursday, October 1st, 2009 at 5:30pm by

black metal shitCongrats to “wiffle bat” and “soup”, the two proud owners of the brand new Revocation CD Existence is Futile. Their winning captions for the photo at right submitted in last week’s funny photo caption contest:

  • wiffle bat: “pardon me while i pass the brains of my bass player.”
  • soup: “…one more push for the new Cradle of Filth album.”

This week we’ve got 5 copies of Revolver Magazine’s special all-Slayer edition, which hits newsstands this week: “This unmissable special issue takes you in-depth through the band’s hellacious history, including exclusive new interviews with every group member, an oral history going behind the scenes of their biggest albums and mammoth tours, a vintage Clash of the Titans roundtable interview… and a look inside the artwork of Slayer’s “unholy trinity”—Reign in Blood, South of Heaven, and Seasons in the Abyss—with illustrator Larry Carroll, and guitarist Kerry King reveals some of his favorite shit. On top of this, the issue contains never-before-seen photos and a selection of Slayer-inspired tattoos from their most diehard fans!”

Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, courtesy of Shelby Cobras of Illogical Contraption.

heavy metal wrestler

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  • poopsmcgee

    i didnt know it was possible for kiss to be gayer

    • WowWee!

      Dude your smearing the paint!

  • http://www.myspace.com/somethinglikesweet CJ

    “Well, I had to. He got his chocolate in my peanut butter.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Devon-Czekaj/550092101 Devon Czekaj

    “I told you not to bro out with my Affliction gear without my permission!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Gates/1487790133 Steven Gates

    Unfortunately, this is how MTV chooses their videos

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    This is why Eyal doesn’t bring up his Navy days in his blog

    • poopsmcgee

      i see this too

      • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

        McEyal’s Navy

        • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

          HEYOOOOO

      • DidgeryDo

        “Navy Eyal”

        haha nice.

  • Ryan

    “are you sure this is how that autoerotic asphyxiation thing is supposed to work?”

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    No hitting below the belt, just heavy petting

  • LEGIONS:iron and steel

    Varg Vikernes is exonerated when Euronymous’ real killer is revealed to be Chris Benoit.

    • You Suck

      Oh shit! That’s funny as fuck!!!

      • ben

        +10,000,000

    • Brandon

      WIN!

    • aud10ph1le44

      WIN.

  • Deven

    Oh! Gene Simmons does not pay me enough to do this!

  • poopsmcgee

    the physical manifestation of what it’s like to be kicked out of as terrible a band as kiss.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Darrell springs into action and applies the Heimlich maneuver just in time to revive Marilyn Manson, who had choked on his own athletic supporter while stretching for the charity wrestling match. The VFW hall erupts in applause.

    • d00shc00gr

      SO MUCH WIN

  • http://kzscsledge.blogspot.com GoatRidersHorde

    “You gotta lay off the steroids, coach. I hear they shrink your penis” (Class of 1999 reference, let’s see if anyone gets it)

    • stu1

      Kind of defeats the whole purpose when you tell where you got it from.

  • Insomnivore

    Vinnie Vincent fails to hold onto image rights during talks with Gene’s Lawyer.

    • http://www.myspace.com/northwestroyale Blake

      Nice!

  • Grymmbear

    RAW IST KRIEG!!!

  • EarthIsGay

    A young, Kiss loving David Caradine, before he realized the slender arms of a 12 year old Thai girl fit better under his chin.

  • poopsmcgee

    “How can this be?!?! I was sure that wearing makeup would make me more manly!”

  • fasshole

    After a thorough beat-down from “Hardcore”, “Heavy Metal” vows to never be out brutalled again, such was the birth of the “-Cores”.

  • Crab Maxter

    “Corpse paint washing off…. losing… my… powers…”

    • canea

      win.

      • DidgeryDoo

        1

    • kelfro

      my vote

  • Sven

    Somewhere Joey Styles is screaming “OH MY ODIN!”

    • EarthIsGay

      Win.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Barrick/1630475642 Cody Barrick

    not an entry: I bought this late last week and have read some of it, good reading. Like $6? Hail Slayer!

    • Mike2

      6 bucks for that? Why would you bother to think of a winning entry, when you could buy it for 6 bucks?

  • Nick Cooper

    Fight Club 2: Starring Brad Pitt and King Diamond

  • metalguy

    Bro-core vs black metal

  • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

    Metal sucks.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Approximately nine months before the birth of the Hamburglar

    • You Suck

      Fucking Win!!!

  • Sacajawea

    Ghaal didn’t realize that the terms “piledriver”, “big splash”, “camel clutch”, and “bodypress” were all wrestling terms as well.

    • Ilona

      Don’t forget rear naked choke.

  • poopsmcgee

    Thumbs down.

  • razzle

    Proof, if proof were needed, that Gene Simmons is a giant pussy.

  • SP420

    How Brad Pitt killed metal.

    • SP420

      FUCK someone already beat me to the Brad Pitt reference above.

  • WowWee!

    Damn I’m gonna get my ass kicked for disgracing the brand, I hope they just kick Peter Criss’s ass.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Half Nelson, Full Nelson, Freddie Nelson: The Untold Story of Paul Gilbert’s Years in the Octagon

  • systemsdown

    Black metal was the only thing “Raw” enough for Vince McMahon’s monday nights

  • Brendan Seigel

    A sad day indeed for “The Spaceman”, when Ace Frehley found himself in the deadly clutches of the Space Bear.

  • louis

    Oh no Jamey Jasta just put Gene into a headlock how will he escape this one!?

  • anotherwhitemeat

    This is the exact moment Kiss passed the torch on to All That Remains.

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      Which STD is “torch” slang for?

      • DidgeryDo

        This is the exact momment Kiss passed the HIV on to All That Remains……Win! lol!

  • LilalCFH

    ” It was 1998 and Nu-Metal had sunk in the choke…”

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    It’s all fun and games until someone gets…inseminated.

  • Lane Regli

    Got Satanists? Call your local pro wrestler!

  • chainsaweater

    dammit gene i told you to stop making fun of my tights

  • You Suck

    Right now somewhere in Baltimore, John Waters is totally creaming his beautifully pressed slacks.

  • Diavol

    Metal Man willing submitted to the sleeper hold after hearing that this week’s prize was a measly copy of Revolver magazine…I’ve got a subscription already!!

    • Diavol

      willingly

  • You Suck

    The birth of “Blackend Bro-Core”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Kovich/80400829 Kyle Kovich

    “Hey is that Fozzy? Oh no, that’s just Owen Hart’s remains”

  • KYZAR

    NO!!! I’M playing this highschool prom!

  • ben

    Without a doubt, Gene Simmons’ lawyer is searching for this bingo hall.

  • morningrise

    Caaannn youuu smellllll what the cock is choking?

  • stink-pucker

    Wait! No fair! The power of satan was supposed to over-ride the 14 tall boys!

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    AJ Styles does the world a favor and puts Marilyn Manson to sleep.

  • Skanes

    Juggal’OWNED.

    • klinger

      win

  • Mike

    After hearing a resounding crack come from the neck, Josh looked down and realized that he had, in fact, not killed Gene Simmons, but instead the lead singer/growler of Black Metal band “Morbid Hypothermia.”

  • (required)

    “Of Mice and Men” starring Brad Pitt and Gene Simmons. “I didn’t mean ta kill’em, George. I was just trying to stroke his tongue.”

  • DICKHOLE

    “Geez….Your’re right nickelback is better then dimmu borgir!!!!”

  • J to the R-O-C

    Despite what Jeff hoped the heavy metal face paint did not stop the prison rape

  • J to the R-O-C

    somethings wrong!……..this isnt even the kiss concert is ?

  • chris

    Ace Frehleys next job interview if Anomaly flops.

  • chris

    Celebrity Deathmatch Jamey Jasta -vs- Ace Frehley

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      Poor Ace hasn’t lifted a weight since his website was last updated…1982

  • DaylightReckoning

    JR: BAH GAWD, SHAGRATH’S DOWN, SHAGRATH’S DOWN!!

    King: That’s what happens when you claim to be more kvlt than the Undertaker!

  • Harahune

    In the Musical Wrestling Competition, nobody expected the Jpop team to so thoroughly humiliate the Heavy Metal team.

  • WowWee!

    Take this you poser!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/JJ-Cappa/5602865 JJ Cappa

    You can choke the breath out of the juggalo, but you can’t choke the juggalo out of the idiot.

  • BruisedMetal

    John Bush hated the new Kiss album so much he snapped Ace Frehley’s neck

  • Some Random Dude

    This is why the first rule of fight club exists.

    • Some Random Dude

      god damnit theres already like 10 fight club/brad pitt references.

      new one:

      “He asked me if I was a hermaphodite and one thing led to another”

  • pony

    for the ultimate warrior, the first few years were rough.

  • Matt

    And Brocore has Black Metal in a sleeper hold!

  • vaste burai

    “you get your paul’s to the wall, man! PAUL’S TO THE WAAAAAALLLL”

    • Josh

      high five

      • vaste burai

        Hells yeah! someone finally got the udo-accept reference! and paul stanley, of course.

  • Prives

    After that last Tarantino disaster, Brad set his sights on metal… and what better place to start than with one man’s MS column.

  • Mike House

    When lil’ chris found out how much money Gene made off him…there was hell to pay!

  • Jevilicious

    Short haired guy: you’re gonna say it loud and proud, bitch!!

    “metal” guy: panting…METAL… panting…SUCKS…panting

  • Sam

    Brad Pitt tires of Immortal invading EVERY picture on the mighty internetz.

  • http://www.welovemetal.com We Love Metal

    Juggalos unite and once again fall victim to the middle class white man!

  • Shiggy Shack

    Had Varg NOT killed Euronymous, this would have been his next step in life. Somethings are better left unknown.

  • Shiggy Shack

    His only defense now is the undead flatulence attack

  • Shane Gillis

    “Get ready, Heavy Metal, here’s a little taste of what I gave Acid Rock and Hardcore last week. Next, I’m coming to get you, Double Bass. And this time…I’m cutting a dick hole in my leotard. Giddyup.”

  • Facebook User

    HUG HIM ‘TIL HE FEELS IT!!!

  • hellboar

    BONESAW’S READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

    • hellboar

      SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM

    • Sacajawea

      I thought I was the only person who found that part of the movie rediculously funny.

  • Peter

    Christmas at Tommy Lee’s house

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Max-Waldt/1371330194 Max Waldt

      epic win

  • Sean Pulatie

    I think we missed a step in the “Hug Instruction Manual”.

    (My wife came up with this entry, so if I win, I need 2 prizes.)

  • Uncle Jesse

    Hey boy you sure do got a purdy mouth

  • You Don’t Know Me

    “Too Kvlt” Scorpio loses to “The Hatebreed” Jeremy Jasta.

    • King Cheezit

      Ah fuck, someone else with a Jasta comment lol.

  • jason

    “Say it! Admit black metal sucks! Say it or I’ll twist your head clean off!”

  • King Cheezit

    Jamey Jasta was never into KISS…

  • Glorious Johnson

    “Your gonna gimme that f*cking dark throne vinyl!”

  • mike

    GAY TARDO?

  • Nate Dubetz

    OH MY GOD! JASTA’S GOT FREHLEY IN THE SLEEPER HOLD! HE COULD SUBMIT HERE! FREHLEY LOOKS LIKE HE CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE! AN ELECTRIFYING MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Scott-Danger-Reisher/1362330027 Scott Danger Reisher

    Gaahl likes it rough.

  • HELLZ

    “I F’n told you!!!! No Makeup in HATEBREED!!!!”

  • Richo

    Why is john bush chokin out one of the gays from avenged sevenfold?

  • WyldeRhoads

    Apparently, Gene Simmons has given the go ahead to start production on the new Kiss Sex Doll.

  • zananator

    Now you’re gonna play Free Bird?

  • Orz

    This is for crapping in my bush last week!

  • Chad E. Death

    Just when you thought wrestling couldn’t get any gayer , Kiss had to get involved.

    WAIT THAT ALREADY HAPPENED !!!

  • JustGrimace

    “Don’t you DARE insult Chickenfoot!”

  • Mrs.MetalHead!

    “I am ‘Too Far Gone’ you are ‘Still Wicked’!”

  • treefiddy

    “GODDAMN, THE SINGER FROM FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH ISN’T OUT OF CRAZY TOWN!!!”

  • ZOMG

    “This is for releasing the new Cradle of filth album Douche BAG”

  • Sammy

    Goddamn it, Robby! You got face paint on my singlet!

  • Mutt Weiler

    Welcome to Jackass, I’m Steve-o and this is the “Black Metal Headlock”.

  • xrockstrongox

    Glad to see somebody is finally getting revenge for Music from “The Elder.”

  • 6infinite6hatred6

    Things went quite awry at the Special Metal Olympics this year, when wrestlers Avy F’Tal (below) and Daddy X’s retarded half-brother (above) got into a fight to the “death,” each wanting to win so they could date the white-eyed girl in the corner.

  • Tyler

    The Early Years: Dani Filth. A VH1 Behind the Music Special.

  • http://flamingtusk.com don blood

    Jocks always win.

  • 20 eyes

    “Now, if you look over here in the ring, you will see the hunter catching and impregnating its prey… and that, is how the Winds of Plague are Born”

  • Malacoda

    Billy realized too late that Garn had said “Nice game” instead of “I’m gay”.

  • Josh

    Hi I’m Kenny Rogers and this is Jackass

  • vaste burai

    Christeen WASN’T sixteen when we “met”

  • myke

    the dimmu borgir feud has reached a new level. back yard juggalo fighting

  • pigchop

    If you fuck me in the ass one more time when I pass out, I will kill you!

  • CYN1C

    Man, that Angelina sure has gone down the drain, as seen here filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2.

  • Dane

    When the KISS Army lets you down, Dave Brockie makes you his bitch!

  • Masonic Wehrmacht

    The holiday season always brings the Juggalos and Maggots together.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeff-Bilello/36410152 Jeff Bilello

    Danni Filth and Manaic wrestling.

  • Shavetheorphans

    Having run out of ideas for new films Guy Ritchie has decided to release a box set of all the cut scenes from his popular comedy Snatch.

  • ohshitson

    the tentative cover for emmure’s next album: kurt angle does the “wigger slam”

  • MetalMeatHammer

    In a Teaser Poster for the new film “2012″ we see the scene where Affliction finally kills Heavy Metal.

  • Sam

    “Wigga Slam kicking that Black Metal ass, yo!”

  • Sam

    “This is what you get for trying to sell me a kiss coffin!”

  • rawr666

    “This is more fun then Ghaal’s Slumber party!”

  • bleak46n2

    Breaking News!!!!
    Brad Pitt has taken a hostage
    Demands include-
    1. A cradle of filth poster
    2. No more kids on sale for adoption
    3. The wwe championship belt

    • Naomi Sarah

      Lol.. sounds about right..

  • Fauz

    Heavy Metal desperately tries to tag his partner Glam to avoid losing the “80′s tag team title” to the heel team of Nazi Punk & Hardcore!

    • Fauz

      … who by the way would later succesfully defend those tittle’s against MJ & U2 but eventualy lose it to the team of Speed Metal & Crossover.

      • Fauz

        … after Crossover betrayed Hardcore backstage, brutally beating him with a foldup chair and throwing him thru a table, leaving Nazi Punk to defend the belts alone after there manager Slam Pit jumped sides also.

  • Shitbag

    “This is why your mother never let you listen to heavy metal.”

  • Shiggy Shack

    Amidst the raging headlock of death, a young wrestler ponders haikus, quantum physics, and why axe deodorant does not attract women.

  • Shiggy Shack

    This picture plays outmy highschool days

  • ofekk

    the war between XCORE and tr00 metal has gone to the next level…

  • Facebook User

    “CRUSH!!!”

  • Christian L’OR

    MetalSucks staff writer Shaun Hand is forced to wear Kiss make up will receiving his annual performance evaluation.

  • bob

    i wrestled a homo once

  • Gerardo

    “Alright Jack Black you’re next!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-King-II/100000102787194 Jesse King II

    Don’t you ever say an unkind word about Henry Rollins again. You son of a bitch…

  • badcarburetor

    “Oh, pardon me. I guess the penguin wrestling league is down the hall?”