«
»
Rob Halford Doesn't Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does

RICH HALLFORD ON GRINDCORE CHEERLEADERS, HOT CHICKS THAT LIKE RUSH, AND GOING ASS TO MOUTH

Thursday, October 1st, 2009 at 4:30pm by

Even metal heads need dating advice. That’s what Rich Hallford is here for! Read on to have all your love life dilemmas solved by the great master…
hallford

Dave asks:
If my girl is afraid of doing anal how can I force her to do it without having charges filed against me? Also, is it okay to go ass to mouth?

Never go ass to mouth. I think a nice dinner out, flowers and sweet evening alone will make her at least give it up or let you smell it. Or you can kill your dog on purpose and be sad. Maybe then she’ll let you pity hump her piehole.

Mark Gavin asks:
Why don’t beautiful women seem automatically attracted to me when I wear a Judas Priest t-shirt?

Mark, I think your problem is that you’re buying your Judas Priest t-shirts from outside the venue. If you actually spring for tickets and buy a REAL t-shirt one that doesn’t say ” JUDAH PRIESTLEY” (and maybe an extra ticket for a chick), maybe you’ll get noticed more.

bryan asks:
Is there any hot chicks that like Rush or prog rock for that matter

Yeah, they’re called Dungeon Masters. Get some twenty-sided die and bone up on Geddy Lee’s list of hair products. You’ll be in like Flynn.

Wyzt asks:
What grindcore band makes hot cheerleaders find you irresistable? Plz help.

Ladies love the old school stuff. Infest, Crossed Out, etc., etc. Maybe a little Spazz to make them remember their ol’ unshaven riot grrl self. They’re old graphic designers now… bring them back where they came from!

Double D asks:
How can I get THRASHETTE to notice me? Seriously, she’s hot.

Post a pic?

poopsmcgee asks:
How come girls don’t like my farts as much as I do?

I see your mom is complaining again. I say don’t fart in front of a girl and maybe she’ll tolerate your looks… maybe.

bearwizard asks:
why is my cock so huge?

This is self explanatory! You’re the wizard of bears – you can do anything!

Zosimus asks:
At least do this right and get a hot chick to write your sex column, like Revolver did. I mean… I assume she’s hot. Right? Only hot chicks write sex columns, right?

Fuck no, We dudes know what to do when the bearded clam spaceship comes out of hiding. Well, judging from all these questions… some of you do.

quoteunetouq asks:
Why are the overweight mid 40s groupies at still touring hair metal shows still hotter than the 5 hose beasts at any extreme metal gig?

Because they’re waiting to pick up their overweight long haired black t-shirt wearing choked laced black high top internet cowboy sons from the show they’re attending.

Brian \m/(-_-)\m/ asks:
i…dont…fucking…believe it. WHYYYYYYYY?????

…that’s what she said.

SeanN asks:
Where exactly is the clitoris?

If you get out of the basement, maybe you’ll see one.

WowWee! asks:
How can I get a sugar mama to drive me around places and buy me stuff?

Stop posting on the internet .

-RH

Got a romantic query? The great Rich Hallford knows all. E-mail your questions to hallford AT metalsucks DOT net.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Hopefully this will be cancelled after one installment

    • Draven_Corvinus

      Is it hard being a douchebag or does it just come naturally to you?

      • Nate

        Dude, he’s a glenn beck fan, its natural.

        • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

          I’m not gonna argue the Glenn Beck comment, but this column was about as funny as Glenn Martin DDS

          • Phro

            As much as I loathe Glenn Beck…

            Yeah, this was insipid.

            See!?! Bi-partisanship for the win. Or something.

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            This guy brings people together in a way that hasn’t been seen since September 11th.

    • CARTER

      Yeah this is fucking stupid. Please get rid of this.

      • http://lavidastrangiato.blogspot.com/ Jake

        Yeah, I agree. This idea had potential, but just didn’t work in execution. Better luck next time.

        • Uglymicrowave

          i agree get rid of this shit…post more about hot metal girls…not have this douche talk about it

    • drunk dude

      If only it’d been cancelled when they sobered up and before they posted.

  • WowWee!

    Thats right

  • Master Chah

    All I have to say to this is one word…..FUCKYOU

  • Patrick

    this is gay ass shit

  • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

    In the heat of the moment, it’s acceptable to go ass to mouth.

    • Deaner

      agree

    • Jenna

      Clerks ftw.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    One big problem I have is where the hell did this guy come from? If it’s gonna be a regular thing, give him some character development. What’s his background? You say he’s “the great master”, what qualifies him? You could’ve at least given him a backstory, let me know what experience he’s got and who he’s experienced. Instead he’s some pointless fucker who dropped out of the sky to give us poorly thought out answers to ridiculous dating questions. The questions and answers sound like the banter of a 7th grade lunch table. Put some more effort into this or discontinue it immediately, it reads like it was written in 45 seconds. Pick fewer questions and put some thought into the answers at least, this is horrible. “That’s what she said”? Are you serious?

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      Or am I reading too much into this?

      • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

        While they’re at it, they can see about doing a better job of shooping his pic, too… his forehead looks like an Easter egg.

      • timmah

        I was disappointed as well, I just don’t find trolling to be the acceptable form of criticism.

        • Uglymicrowave

          you guys should do a “hot metal chick” of the week post instead of this nonsense garbage

          • IWRESTLEDYOURMOMONCE

            This is change I can believe in…

  • Jugglemonkey

    i didn’t actually think this was serious…. you guys are fuck out of ideas if this is the best you got.

    just sayin.

  • kenchan13

    wow,just not really funny.”that’s what she said.”"You’re the wizard of bears – you can do anything!”

    ok hold on..
    Definitions of funny on the Web:

    •amusing: arousing or provoking laughter; “an amusing film with a steady stream of pranks and pratfalls”; “an amusing fellow”; “a comic hat”; “a …
    •curious: beyond or deviating from the usual or expected; “a curious hybrid accent”; “her speech has a funny twang”; “they have some funny ideas about war”; “had an odd name”; “the peculiar aromatic odor of cloves”; “something definitely queer about this town”; “what a rum fellow”; “singular …
    •fishy: not as expected; “there was something fishy about the accident”; “up to some funny business”; “some definitely queer goings-on”; “a shady deal”; “her motives were suspect”; “suspicious behavior”
    •funny story: an account of an amusing incident (usually with a punch line); “she told a funny story”; “she made a funny”
    •experiencing odd bodily sensations; “told the doctor about the funny sensations in her chest”

    there ya go.

  • Ziltoid

    Anal fisting > ass to mouth, apparently since 2006.

    PROOF:

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/Lairdhenn/wtf.jpg

  • http://www.last.fm/user/opeth027/ Kyle

    so where’s the next q&a with Oderus?

  • bearwizard

    Is it sexy to jerk off in public while wearing a ski mask and blasting grim reaper from my portable ipod dock?

    • You Suck

      Depends on your public forum, Church=yes, Food Court at your local mall=absolutely, the coffee shop where I’m trying to hook up with the counter chick=nope. Come on man finish up or put it away she ain’t noticing me!

  • http://kzscsledge.blogspot.com GoatRidersHorde

    Terrific!

  • Jewers

    this is stupid as hell…
    and the dude doesnt even realize when people are asking him pointless questions

    no more.

  • I, Monarch

    Shit column.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason Crispen

      excellent band..

  • rage

    Burn this, and the douche that wrote it.

  • SeanN

    How in the hell did he know I live in a basement? Insightful shit bro!

  • Simon

    Wow, this was… like, incredibly not funny. But I’m in a generous mood tonight, and I say let’s give him one last chance in the next installment. Maybe then he’ll come up with something rich (see what I did there?). If not, someone fire his boring ass.

    And to help I submit my own question:
    - Do you know any ‘metal’ positions? Maybe ‘Horned God’? Or even ‘Slayer’? How would that go? Describe in as much detail as needed.

  • Dave

    Holy shitballs, my question is on here.

  • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

    lmao, I am mentioned.

    • Double D

      HAHAHAHA! I was told to post a pic! AHAHAHA!

    • You Suck

      Yeah and you’re not that hot.

      • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

        Thanks. :) Didn’t think I was..

        • melinda

          i think she is hot.
          you are not.
          indeed.

          • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

            Their bodies will rot.
            In my body cot.

    • JHanneman

      are you a virgin?

      • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

        I enjoy announcing my hymenal status on heavy metal news blogs.

        • http://www.metalspikybits.blogspot.com CadianShock aka thrAshley

          Not to mention you’re like, 12, right?

          • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

            16… close, I guess.

          • CadianShock

            Close enough to be inappropriate!

  • BEHEMOHAWK

    Why is goat blood such a good lubricant?

  • http://lordsofmetal.nl/index.php?lang=en Cavorka

    I have a question:
    Which are your favorite movie quotes to say during sex?

    • BEHEMOHAWK

      Never tell me the odds

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s bobsled time!”

    • You Suck

      “In the heat of the moment it’s acceptable to go ass to mouth”

    • Sean Pulatie

      “The Force is strong with this one.”

      “Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard!”

      “We got no food. We got no jobs. Our pets’ heads are FALLING OFF!”

      • http://lavidastrangiato.blogspot.com/ Jake

        American Psycho FTW!

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      “No, right now. Get the pie now”

    • http://www.flamingtusk.com Zosimus

      “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any more!”

  • HoustonC

    terrible

  • terrybeans84

    I’ve got some dating advise for everyone who visits this site. STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY!!!!1

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Menard/502061034 Jesse Menard

    hhahahaah fuck yeah awesome article

  • Wrecking Balls

    Terrible.

  • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/62449cbe5ea8d22bcc2e76890fceaa37.png Lord Bling

    This column was a bad idea on paper, and now we have proof that it’s a bad idea all around.

    I appreciate MS trying something different, but this was a waste of bandwith.

  • Watson

    Worse than I ever expected and I expected something really bad.

    I might have found this funny in 6th grade.

  • http://infinitybasement.wordpress.com Jon

    Some of you guys have no sense of humour, I swear. Backed up?

    • CARTER

      Sense of humor? for what, eighth grade humor? its just not funny. its fuckin dumb

    • Watson

      If you laughed at this you’re easily amused.

      *jingles keys*

      • Sean Pulatie

        Ooooh! Keys! Heeheeheheeheeheeheehee…

  • CARTER

    Please please please don’t bring this guy back. He’s not clever, witty, or funny in any way. Any high school kid can come up with his “jokes”.

    I beg of thee. Let this one rest eternally

  • http://www.solidsterecords.com NoCowNoFood

    QUE PORQUERIA DE COLUMNA.. ESTO ES UNA MIERDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • anonymous pussy

    Not at all surprised by how unentertaining this is

  • anonymous pussy

    To clarify, this could have been funny if you got someone who is actually, well, FUNNY to write it.

  • Sean Pulatie

    I actually laughed quite a bit at this.

    I’m also happily married and, unlike many of the poor bastards who post on this site, I actually HAVE seen a vagina. To quote the drummer from 2 Cents, “It’s like an oven mitt for your cock.” You should try it sometime.

    • CARTER

      Try fucking your wife? sure why not.

  • You Don’t Know Me

    eh… it had it’s moments. nothing that i’d be dieing to see another installment of but it could have been a lot worse.

  • Thrillionaire

    I’m grinding my teeth in amazement.

    • Thrillionaire

      Also, why is Bear’s Man on the Street writing a hetero dating column?

  • the poetry of rich hall

    my fist hits the wall like your love hit my heart
    people grind their teeth in amazement
    and the tower comes down
    the littleist (sp?)of jabs can bring it down
    so fragile
    so hurt
    can we pick up the pieces in unison?

  • Trux

    Seriously…. LAMEST. COLUMN. EVER

    give me back the 10 seconds of my life I spent reading out of pure curiosity this utter crap…..

    NO MORE.

  • Pat

    David Broder writes for MS now?

  • Dysenteric

    > What grindcore band makes hot cheerleaders find you irresistable? Plz help.
    >
    > Ladies love the old school stuff. Infest, Crossed Out, etc., etc. Maybe a little Spazz to make them
    > remember their ol’ unshaven riot grrl self. They’re old graphic designers now… bring them back where
    > they came from!

    I don’t know where to begin telling you what’s wrong with that. Hard to find the words to describe it, really.

    Oh, I’ve found some. How about the fact that Crossed Out’s vocalist saw a flyer for a 1993 gig described as “Grindcore Night” and commented “fuck grindcore”, which became the title of a bootleg 10″? See, Crossed Out, Infest and Spazz are really powerviolence and/or hardcore punk. And what exactly are the chances of your sex appeal increasing when wearing a Spazz t-shirt?

    And the rest of the article just didn’t have anything about it. Either improve it or scrap it, guys.

    • anonymous pussy

      not to mention the question of how a current cheerleader be an old graphic designer AND a former riot grrl.

      my brainzorz

      • Dysenteric

        Aye, the conceptual and practical problems given in Hallford’s answer are indeed abundant. The only chance a hot cheerleader can also be an old graphic designer is that she would have to be irresistably good-looking for her age (early 40s, probably), and women of that age don’t mix cheerleading and a full-time job, they’ve probably got kids to look after and need the wages.

        Couple that with the equally unlikely chance that the same women would turn back to their old selves after seeing a younger guy wearing an Infest shirt – that’s like 1 in a million, literally.

        Then combine the result with the low chance that they were riot grrls with a taste for powerviolence that they’ve retained throughout their lives… We’re outstaying our welcome in dreamland now, so I’m gonna leave it at that.

        The most likely response girls would give when seeing a shirt with the word ‘Spazz’ on it is a WTF or a LOL.

        I don’t know if Wyzt was being serious, if he was, poor him.

        It’s not even good for comedic value.

  • S.I.

    A VERY bad idea for an article. Seriously, how could this idea ever pan out? I dunno the guy who writes this, but it really seems like he spent about 45 seconds on this article.

  • Skanes

    Yeah, fuck this shit.

  • http://www.flamingtusk.com Zosimus

    All y’al all h8rs r wikkid homofobic cuz Hallford’s pic makes u stiff in the genes.