Ask Oderus

ODERUS URUNGUS ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT GOR-GOR, DIMEBAG, SWINE FLU, EUROVISION AND MORE

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gwar oderus urungusIt seems that Gwar’s Oderus Urungus is super-stoked on his MetalSucks column “Ask Oderus”; not only has the dude been keeping up with his duties as Professor of Intergalactic Metal Advice, but he responded to our last call for questions by leaving comment answers to all of your questions; every single one of them!! For the sake of getting his answers out to the masses, we’ve compiled some of the best Q&As from last week’s online therapy session here.

Chase asks: What happened to the blood bombs yall would throw at the show? those were ridiculous. Why haven’t yall killed amahidnnedjad?

If they do their job, they hopefully explode into your eyes, blinding you and giving you numerous incurable diseases.

As far as that crafty, kooky, A-Jad is concerned, I am in no hurry to kill him. I think he is quite amusing. I wish him all the best in his construction of a nuclear warhead and delivery system for said weapon. Hopefully Many people admire him for his defiant attitude, and I am enjoying his stand-up comedy, particularly the jokes he made about the Holocaust. Hilarious! Way funnier than Schindler’s List. Everyone said what a great movie that was but when I saw it I only laughed like two, three times!

Hibernum asks: “Dear mr. Urungus, do you have any children other than gor-gor?”

Balls yes, as a matter of fact you are one of them. Whats that? You say you didn’t realize that GWAR created the human race by fucking apes and various other creatures? We were hoping to get some kind of super-ape, but ended up with the human race instead. We’ve made the best of it together, here on Earth, and now it is time to put aside any petty differences and stand as one against the intergalactic assholes of Cardinal Syn! Their war-fleet draws closer every minute!

We lay claim to our creation, as your Lords and Masters, and demand your full effort in the coming war!

I speak symbolically when I call Gor-Gor my son. He isn’t really. Adopted at best, then abused and abandoned. We found his egg beneath the GWAR temple and Slymenstra humped it til’ the little fucker crawled out…more like hopped…he was a good hopper. Then we shot him up with liquid crack, fueling the rampage we have born witness to for years.

Recently Gor-Gor, ham that he is, showed up at our Wacken gig, and started acting up…he trashed the dressing room with that tail of his, then stormed onstage and demanded drugs. What he got was a sword through the head!

Patrick asks: Oderus, I saw you morph into a human the night Dimebag died, why did you choose to take the form of a human and not of a Whiskey bottle?

We were getting close to the end of our set in Denver when I saw my tour manager on the side stage gesturing frantically. I went over and got the news that Dime had been shot. I really wish my TM had waited til’ after the show, but he felt I should know asap, and if I knew that there was no way I was going to do the rest of the set acting like nothing had happened. Just couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t tell everyone as Oderus…so we decided to ditch the costumes, break the news, and finish the rest of the set as humans, dedicating it to Dime. It just seemed like the thing to do.

We did it to honor Dime. Unbelievably the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which held an induction ceremony for U2 and various others the next day, couldn’t manage to do the same…what had happened to Dime (and music!) was not even mentioned once in the whole bloated, bullshit affair…at that moment the R+R Hall of Fame lost all credibility in my eyes…

Hard to believe he wasn’t from outer space, he really rolled like he had some serious Scumdog in him…I mean look how many rounds it took to drop him! Rock on Dime, you are loved and missed…and hopefully are jamming with Jimi Hendrix.

Ajax asks: How do you feel about touring with Lamb of God? Since you are the superior band, why aren’t you headlining? Will we get to see Randy Blythe covered in Bonesnapper’s blood?

Damn I just saw how many damn questions I have, gonna have to stop being so damn effusive…

I thought I was headlining…not even GWAR, just me, ODERUS URUNGUS, with some guys standing around behind me playing music or something.

No, GWAR is headlining, it’s just that Lamb of God is playing after us!

shit sandwich asks: Will you be my best friend?

I don’t have, need, or want friends. Any time spent with friends is time that could be much better spent with myself, masturbating furiously.

I will however accept donations in the forms of buying GWAR records, attending GWAR shows, and slaying in the name of GWAR.

Do well and we might hang out one day. For like 30 seconds. As long as it takes to sign all of the GWAR shit you bought!

hater_guy asks: Did you start the spread of the Swine Flu?

I am not sure, but will say yes. Then no. Then back to yes, with a side of maybe. We create diseases with every shit we take, every pimple that we pop has the potential to kill billions. Balsac would probably have a better idea if that disease was one of ours…he is a scientist of sorts (the horrible sort) and the one with the big old laboratory in the GWAR keep that he will never let me into–as I am constantly turning his Pyrex into elaborate crack-pipes!

Did you say the Swine Flu? Where did he get the ticket? LOL!

Here’s another funny joke. Two guys are walking down the street when a pigeon shits on one. The guy says “Hey! Gimme a handkerchief!”, to which the other guys says “How come? It”s already three blocks away!” LOL! O.K., not so much…

Duff asks: How did it feel to win the eurovision song contest?

We didn’t you dork, that was Lordi…and they suck so I am glad we didn’t win…it would have felt like…sucking? Those guys in Lordi should hang out with Rob Zombie. That would be so scary! Maybe they could re-make Halloween 2 again, and make it even more un-original and suck even harder. Or they could just count money.

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And thus concludes this session of Ask Oderus. If you’ve got any questions to ask Oderus next time around, kindly post them in the comments section below!

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