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Rob Halford Doesn't Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does

NEED ROMANTIC ADVICE? ASK RICH HALLFORD!

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 at 2:30pm by

Do you need dating advice? Having troubles with your girlfriend, or boyfriend? Wondering why that cute Goth chick at the mall won’t fuck you, or why your man can only get it up when music featuring the guitar work of Tripp Eisen is playing? Or maybe you’re worried that you masturbate too much while listening to Cannibal Corpse, or that you’re a little too turned on by the cover of Look What the Cat Dragged In? Rich Hallford, the Sensei of Pussei, is here to answer all your romantic queries. Just send an e-mail to hallford AT metalsucks DOT net, and your question may be answered in a future edition of “Rob Halford Doesn’t Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does!” So what are you waiting for? Your life isn’t just going to sort itself out on its own!

hallford

  • Patrick

    really this shit again

  • Ryd1ZZ

    ugghhhh…not this again.

  • timmah

    first 2 comments beat me to it.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

    *facepalm*

    The bad Photoshopping makes him look like a Conehead.

  • Ziltoid

    Axl and I started MetalSucks in December 2006 because there was no online heavy metal community where intelligent, thoughtful discussion took place; so we decided to create our own. We gandered that amidst the meat-heads we saw at most metal shows there were thinkers like us who put as much time, energy and thought into the music we love as we did. Furthermore, the blogosphere was crowded with indie rock blogs but nothing for metal, and the only metal communities consisted of shit-talking Blabberbrats. So we gave it a go and here we are, and here you are; so I guess we were right. Thanks so much for visiting, being a part of our community, and breaking the stereotype that metalheads are a bunch of ignorant neanderthals.

    - Vince Neilstein

    Rich Hallford is obviously the pinnacle of intelligent discussion.

    Get this shit off the internet.

    • CARTER

      *applaud

    • Shep

      For once I agree with Ziltoid.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      Well played, Zilty, well played.

    • cookie

      cheers!!

    • Phantasm

      agreed

    • http://lavidastrangiato.blogspot.com/ Jake

      Damn straight. AIDS is funnier than this column.

    • rachel

      1

    • CuntGrinder

      For some reason I think you are Devin Townsend.

      • Ziltoid

        I wish I was that awesome of a human being, but alas, I am not. Wishful thinking…

  • bearbomb

    So you guys fired Gary Suarez and replaced him with this shit?

    • Cory

      1

    • Nickfromhell

      Yep… first thing that came to my mind as well.

  • bearbomb

    I mean, what’s he gonna do, tell us what ruffies are the most effective?

  • Patrick

    This shit is for revolver magazine

    • http://zunetracks.net loganarchy

      hahaha nice I agree

  • CARTER

    Im with Z-toid – please guys – for the sake of good humor.. and.. everything else, please please please just stop with this shit it’s not funny. There’s a reason nobody’s written in and you’ve had to ask for e-mails twice now. It’s just stupid.

  • msv81

    This guy is horrible, unimaginative, not funny, and just plain fucking retarded. If you guys can’t come up with anything better than this, I think it’s time to pass the torch to someone who can.

    • CARTER

      haha I wonder how many people have to say they hate this until they finally fuckin get rid of it. this douche must be a pal of theirs or somethin

      • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

        If we’ve learned anything from iwrestledabearonce, it’s that the more the readers of MetalSucks hate something, the longer it’ll be around.

        • Ziltoid

          I agree. More hating = more comments = more traffic. Since this site has no credibility, they need a juvenile way to generate traffic.

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            Which is why MS should dispense with this and go straight to “Hot Metal Chick of the Day”.

            And even then, we’d probably get Bette Midler.

          • Ziltoid

            I wouldn’t mind a few hot shots of Bette Midler!

            Actually, I just think the Seinfeld episode with her in it is really funny.

          • Ziltoid

            But there aren’t really any hot chicks in metal anyway…

            Bunch of homoerotic, homophobic white males running around topless in bdsm corpsepaint, all while being sweaty and energetic…

          • Ziltoid

            And to be clear, that last part was my generalization of metal’s population as a whole.

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            Well that’s pretty damn sexy too!

          • Ziltoid

            I see you have a corpsepaint fetish…

            Actually, if Immortal made blowup sex dolls of themselves in funny poses, I’d probably buy them. That would shit all over Rammstein’s little dildo thing they have going right now.

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            I got turned on by “sweaty and energetic”, the corpsepaint is just a bonus.

            Question for you, Ziltoid: Do you like the band Obscurity?

          • Ziltoid

            Obscurity is ok. Nothing that special, but certainly listenable. The first song (whatever that foreign title is) on their new album is pretty catchy.

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            I’ve never listened to them, but from the name alone they sounded like they might appeal to you.

          • Ziltoid

            You’re a clever one, aren’t you?

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            I certainly do my best. I’d like to thank you for praising Immortal so much, I never listened to them much but I was definitely encouraged to check them out more thoroughly. I think I have an unhealthy obsession with Beyond the North Waves now, I even got out my grandma’s old replica longboat so I can play along. Makes me even more proud of my Norwegian heritage! And a little embarrassed.

          • Ziltoid

            No problem. Immortal is just that awesome. Easy enough for a newbie to like, tr00 enough for the tr00est of black metal fans to like. Really a perfect example of what black metal should be.

          • Beereded

            \m/Eluveitie\m/ says:
            October 20, 2009 at 4:09 pm

            Which is why MS should dispense with this and go straight to “Hot Metal Chick of the Day”.

            And even then, we’d probably get Bette Midler.

            Yeah, or Barbra Streissand (who, imho, was quite hot back in the day. Just go look up young Barbra Streissand).

          • http://www.metalspikybits.blogspot.com CadianShock

            how about we just get you two guys and your chat transcripts? more entertaining than whatever the hell rich hallford is.

          • Ziltoid

            I think that might work.

          • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

            It’d be just like “The View”

          • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

            Beereded says:
            October 20, 2009 at 10:54 pm

            Yeah, or Barbra Streissand (who, imho, was quite hot back in the day. Just go look up young Barbra Streissand).

            Man… she was really hot in “What’s Up, Doc”, big nose and all.

  • SP420

    I have a question, but I’m not going to email it:

    When’s this black asshole of a column being tossed?

  • Rida

    So it’s unanimous. No one wants a random dude to tell them how to get their romance on, especially if that romance has now become synonymous with sexual activities.

  • Trux

    All my questions answered ??… really??

    Well I Have a question … when, oh when are you gonna cancel this Lame column for real ??

    this column is just a utter crap….

  • metalguy

    the reason hes still here is because hes probably Axl who thinks hes funny but wont fire himself

  • d00shc00gr

    Hahaha, there isn’t a single question so far for Halford to answer. This is funny as hell

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    What are you guys complaining about? Shut the fuck up, I loved this column the first time! It made me laugh my ass off.

    Nah just kidding, this column is a piece of shit. I asked for it to be discontinued in the first comment of the first installment.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Marshall/100000019612130 Christopher Marshall

      +1 for brutal bipolarity

  • Zoker

    The best part of this column is the comments. Good job.

  • Derpy

    Why are you a gigantic cock gobbler?

  • Skanes

    Not this shit again.

  • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/62449cbe5ea8d22bcc2e76890fceaa37.png Lord Bling

    If they run more ‘articles’ from this guy, I’ll stop coming to this site.

  • http://www.twistedcritic.wordpress.com Chris

    Rich Hallford is the comedic equivalent of the AIDS virus.

    • metalguy

      aids make me laugh

      • Tortiss

        He’s worse than AIDS…

        • http://lavidastrangiato.blogspot.com/ Jake

          Dammit, I didn’t see this before I said the same thing in response to Ziltoid’s comment.

    • justin

      i’d have to disagree. aids jokes are hilarious. there is no circumstance where this guy is amusing or entertaining in the least.

  • Draven_Corvinus

    Why are you a giant turd filled with douche?

  • R. Joseph Smith

    I totally asked a question and he didn’t answer. I was probably tho only fucking one who bothered. And it was a doozy of a question too.

    • bradylikesbigbird

      going by your charlie manson avatar i imagine your love life to be quite complicated

  • Dysenteric

    Why have you two (Axl and Vince) posted this without any questions being answered by Hallford? Has no-one asked him any? Or this is a promotion?

    There’s no call for Hallford, really. Look, I’m sure he’s a good guy to know, but this romance advice column idea just didn’t work.

  • CARTER

    Bahahah this is hilarious.

    • CARTER

      not the column, the comments. (if there were any doubt)

  • pigchop

    I thought this was just a bad, drunken joke the first time I saw this crap posted. But…you fucks are really running with it? Lame.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexandre-Perrault/545955672 Alexandre Perrault

    This column consists entirely of “get out of your mom’s basement” and ass jokes. I vote it be dismantled.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farhaad-Esfandiary/501309890 Farhaad Esfandiary

    Here goes.

    I was out of town for about a week, and my fiance, who I live with, was out and about doing her thing without me. Well, I get back into town and she tells me that she felt “liberated” and thought it’d be good for her to move out and do her own thing while she “figures herself out” she mentioned we wouldnt be taking any time off, or breaking up. I took that with a grain of salt. That night, when I got back I read her phone and she was texting with one of her friends about how she wishes she met me 5 years from now, because she feels like she should be “sleeping around for the next 5 years” and how she felt she was too young to get married and be settled down and shit. Mind you, this is the same person who thought it’d be great to get married, and have babies like RIGHT NOW. I confronted her, told her I lurked her shit and that if she wants to be a ho, then she needs to get the fuck out of my apartment. She said the sleeping around thing was all figurative and shit, then we had angry sex. I let her know the trust wasnt all there, and it was going to be hard to trust her 100% from now on. So she tells me that if I dont trust her 100% that she’ll be willing to live with me still. Now, Mr. Hallford. What should I do? Do i call it quits? Do i stay with the bitch in hopes of working it all out? I love her dearly, but I really don’t want to get hurt and all that shit. I can only listen Pantera’s “This Love” for so much before I get sick of it.

    -regards,

    Farhaad

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Marshall/100000019612130 Christopher Marshall

      Listen to “5 Minutes and a Bottle of Pills” instead.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Marshall/100000019612130 Christopher Marshall

        I mixed up 2 songs there, i meant “Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills”

    • cookie

      just cause you guys get married doesn’t mean she can’t whore around.

      and can i have her number?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farhaad-Esfandiary/501309890 Farhaad Esfandiary

        Tell you what, if it ends, I’ll gladly give it to you.

    • Malacoda

      read the thing. EMAIL him.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farhaad-Esfandiary/501309890 Farhaad Esfandiary

        I didn’t see that. Now that I have, I’m going to be really lazy about it.

    • phale

      open that shit up. AND demand a threesome.

  • Discipleofthewatch

    My romantic life is a soap opera, but you’re not going to find me here asking for advice about it! There is a time and a place, seriously.

  • SourDeez

    Everyone needs to stop complaining. I don’t like this column either, and that’s why I won’t bother to read it when it’s posted. I’ll scroll right by it and check out a more interesting post, there’s always at least one. It’s definitely a waste of time to click on the post and then bitch about how much it sucks. I look at it this way: If you actually read the column and then you’re bitching about it being there, you’re a hypocrite. And if you didn’t read it, then you have no reason to be bitching about it. Read something else.

    “Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two knobs on the radio? One of them turns the volume down, and the other one CHANGES THE STATION!!”
    -If you don’t know who I’m quoting, shame on you.

    • Ziltoid

      I never go to the front page of this site. RSS feeds make it easy for me to pick out which stories to complain about.

      • SourDeez

        So you just greatly enjoy complaining. Kind of like an old lady on a park bench. Awesome.

        • Ziltoid

          Yep. Like an old lady with corpsepaint on.

          • bradylikesbigbird

            ziltoid with two suprisingly un-hateable posts in a row. who will be the scapegoat of the commenting community now?

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/62449cbe5ea8d22bcc2e76890fceaa37.png Lord Bling

      SourDeez, I happen to like this site, so by complaining about the things I don’t like, I’m letting those who run the site know that in my opinion, it would be improved by not running these articles. Because by running them, they are in fact endorsing them. It makes the site look even dumber than it actually is.

  • Jewers

    dumb.

  • Mike2

    Poor Hallford… Must be crying right now… :-(

    62 metalheads saying that you suck makes you cry…

    • Mike2

      Sorry, meant “would make anyone cry”

      • SourDeez

        Actually, 62 metalheads saying you suck is a huge compliment.
        “Only 62 insults? Allright!”

        • Mike2

          I say by the end of the week, there’s gonna be 200 comments on this story, all saying “You suck” one way or another..

  • http://myspace.com/obeydarklord mr_Izan

    hey do you guys remember on beavis and butt-head do america when they were on the bus headed to vegas, beavis was sitting next to the old lady and every time she said slots, beavis thought she was saying sluts? that was funny.

    • http://myspace.com/obeydarklord mr_Izan

      “hey butt-head, this chick is pretty cool, heh heh!”

  • Snores

    this is almost as awesome as Cryptopsy’s latest album

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

      I like the almost. Because at least the Cryptopsy album had a redeeming side (being Worship Your Demons)… But I suppose the comments to Hallford’s plethora of idiocy is better than that song…

      This section is amazing, in my honest opinion. Just because of all the flaming going on. And it’s all in unison towards one person.

  • Sacajawea

    Let’s just call this comments section a petition to get rid of this guy. All in favor say “aye.”

    • Beereded

      What if we’re Canadian? Can we say “ay” or “eh?”

  • Beereded

    50 bucks says he comes out just like Rob Halford.

  • Joe

    Two part question.

    If I masturbate into my own hand and then lick it, does that make me gay?

    Also, have you ever tried masturbating while lying down, shoot your load in the air, flip onto your stomach, spread your butt cheeks, and try and have it land in your butt?

    Just asking.

    • CARTER

      Second part is easier if you just have your friend or dad or someone help.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      It’s only gay if you touch weiners.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/Demigod1 Tyler

    Possibly the first time that everyone on the site (even Ziltoid) agreed on something. This guy really fucking sucks.

  • watson

    What part of the last column’s comments section made you think that anyone would welcome this back?

  • Trux

    94 comments and counting…. amazing !

  • CARTER

    Im hoping theres a post next week “Last week – In which we fired Hallford”